Making Connection to "Normies"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 137
Making Connection to "Normies"
Last night, I was at a bowling event with some old friends. I have about 60 days of soberity and spend 28 days in rehab. I go to 3-5 12-step (one meeting is Christian 12-step) meeting a week plus church weekly. I am in step 2 with my sponsor
So, my friends were drinking beer and having an good time. At first, it was easy to relate to them. I was able to make an connection without the beer. However, my ability to connect broke down because they did not show interest in my recovery experience. It also felt out of place because it almost felt that I was not welcome.
In reality, those people have no really interest in my recovery. They are "normie" who like to drink and do not want to hear about recovery from addiction.
I got depressed, gave up, and went home. I tried to get my sponsor's advice on this issue but he was not there. I feel depressed and held resenments aganist these people.
Later this morning, I realized that it was me that needed to make the connection with them. I need to focus on their interests and needs and by doing it, I am able not to focus on my depression. With some people, it takes time and patience to make the connections. Not all connections are accomplished immediately. They time and effort.
Has anybody felt out of place like this with "normies"? How do you make the connection without using alcohol as an connection? Do you feel like that you get depressed too easily and are not able to make a connection because you were not patient enough? Do you think "normies" are too quick to judge and rely too much on first impressions? Do "Normies" themselves need to learn patience
So, my friends were drinking beer and having an good time. At first, it was easy to relate to them. I was able to make an connection without the beer. However, my ability to connect broke down because they did not show interest in my recovery experience. It also felt out of place because it almost felt that I was not welcome.
In reality, those people have no really interest in my recovery. They are "normie" who like to drink and do not want to hear about recovery from addiction.
I got depressed, gave up, and went home. I tried to get my sponsor's advice on this issue but he was not there. I feel depressed and held resenments aganist these people.
Later this morning, I realized that it was me that needed to make the connection with them. I need to focus on their interests and needs and by doing it, I am able not to focus on my depression. With some people, it takes time and patience to make the connections. Not all connections are accomplished immediately. They time and effort.
Has anybody felt out of place like this with "normies"? How do you make the connection without using alcohol as an connection? Do you feel like that you get depressed too easily and are not able to make a connection because you were not patient enough? Do you think "normies" are too quick to judge and rely too much on first impressions? Do "Normies" themselves need to learn patience
friend of bill w.
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: east coast
Posts: 218
My experience is... I had to change my playmates and playgrounds to stay sober. I stopped going to bars a long time ago. And those normie 'friends', weren't interested in being friends with me either since I was no 'fun' anymore. All my friends are in AA. Normies don't 'get me' and never will and it is like banging your head against the wall to try to make them.
I have hobbies now that take me to venues where there is no alcohol, like ballroom and bellydancing classes, outdoor events, etc....Being brand NEW at this again I don't dare even be in the same room with alcohol...but that is ME...some people can...I can't. You have to do what works for you and feels safe...but most of all 'to thine own self be true'
:ghug3
I have hobbies now that take me to venues where there is no alcohol, like ballroom and bellydancing classes, outdoor events, etc....Being brand NEW at this again I don't dare even be in the same room with alcohol...but that is ME...some people can...I can't. You have to do what works for you and feels safe...but most of all 'to thine own self be true'
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I was very much focused completely on my recovery in my first year of sobriety...i think that is very normal due to the seriousness of this disease...
The first time I got sober otheres didn't always understand this...this time sober after watching me on verge of loosing everything and my life...others get the need for me to focus on recovery.
I don't care for the word normies myselff....we are all human beings and we can all connect...connections outside of my fellow recovering friends is important. I am a member of the human race and have found that other non-alchoholic/addicts can relate to me just as well as my recovery friends.
I think the original poster was right on track..it's about taking an interest in thier lives and problemsn and letting it not always be about my illness and me. There is a whole world out there and being sober has allowed me to enjoy being a part of it.
The first time I got sober otheres didn't always understand this...this time sober after watching me on verge of loosing everything and my life...others get the need for me to focus on recovery.
I don't care for the word normies myselff....we are all human beings and we can all connect...connections outside of my fellow recovering friends is important. I am a member of the human race and have found that other non-alchoholic/addicts can relate to me just as well as my recovery friends.
I think the original poster was right on track..it's about taking an interest in thier lives and problemsn and letting it not always be about my illness and me. There is a whole world out there and being sober has allowed me to enjoy being a part of it.
being me
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 252
I think this is a good question. And I agree with Ananda that we are human beings and should be able to connect with everyone. There are lots of things we have in common besides alcohol, like hobbies, politics, food, kids, etc.
Just like with other subjects, some friends are better to talk to than others. If your friend is in your same profession, then you may be able to easily connect talking about that profession. For me, I don't have kids and can't easily connect with parents that just want to talk about their children. A heavy discussion about recovery while drinking in a bowling alley is probably not the best way to connect, but doesn't mean your friends don't care. Maybe they are just not who you want to be around right now.
I have had similar situations in my recovery, even with my friends that want to support me. A fellow alcoholic/addict is going to be the best person to make a connection with talking about recovery. Friends and family have accidentally said insulting things to me just because they don't understand. But, I still talk to them about our common interests and other things going on in our lives.
Sounds like you are on a great recovery track. Take care!
Just like with other subjects, some friends are better to talk to than others. If your friend is in your same profession, then you may be able to easily connect talking about that profession. For me, I don't have kids and can't easily connect with parents that just want to talk about their children. A heavy discussion about recovery while drinking in a bowling alley is probably not the best way to connect, but doesn't mean your friends don't care. Maybe they are just not who you want to be around right now.
I have had similar situations in my recovery, even with my friends that want to support me. A fellow alcoholic/addict is going to be the best person to make a connection with talking about recovery. Friends and family have accidentally said insulting things to me just because they don't understand. But, I still talk to them about our common interests and other things going on in our lives.
Sounds like you are on a great recovery track. Take care!
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
My friends don't participate in my recovery per se.. I don't talk about it with them, they wouldn't understand. At most, they just know I don't drink, and it's a non issue. Once I let all that go, I try to just be me, with them.. well that and I don't put myself in a situation where drinking is involved, it's no fun for me. It's really cool to find other things that you might base your friendships on, and if there's nothing else, then you know who your friends are (and that part is often not so cool... but reality).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I am 120 days, 60 day rehab...
It has only been recently that I can concentrate on things other than recovery. If it is all I am thinking about, it is hard to have conversations about other things. It drove my wife crazy the first 4-5 weeks out of rehab because it was all I talked about ("it's all about you!!"). Talking with people not aware or interested in my recovery was indeed difficult. If they happen to be drinking (I try to avoid that right now), well then I didn't even try.
It's better now. Hang in there, get a little more sober time. If people seem uninterested in your recovery, they probably are !! or, they are uncomfortable with the subject. Connect on common ground - bowling...
I went skiing this morning with someone who is pretty close to me, but is unaware of anything, my rehab, AA, etc... and I enjoyed just talking about skiing, hunting, etc...
Mark
It has only been recently that I can concentrate on things other than recovery. If it is all I am thinking about, it is hard to have conversations about other things. It drove my wife crazy the first 4-5 weeks out of rehab because it was all I talked about ("it's all about you!!"). Talking with people not aware or interested in my recovery was indeed difficult. If they happen to be drinking (I try to avoid that right now), well then I didn't even try.
It's better now. Hang in there, get a little more sober time. If people seem uninterested in your recovery, they probably are !! or, they are uncomfortable with the subject. Connect on common ground - bowling...
I went skiing this morning with someone who is pretty close to me, but is unaware of anything, my rehab, AA, etc... and I enjoyed just talking about skiing, hunting, etc...
Mark
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Haha, well at least you made MY day. I've been trying to figure out where I go from here because EVERYONE I associate with uses. Never dawned on me have "normal" friends and family might have its own problems:P
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