Dee74

So I'm 21 months....

This isn't meant to be a congratulatory thread tho - I've probably come as near as I ever have to saying 'screw this' and drinking...

Its been a bad couple of weeks - as many of you know, I've been having trouble getting around on my legs - I'm going to physio, it's getting better, but I had a run of days recently where I've just been housebound.

There's something about that - waking up and instantly thinking 'is this is a good day or a bad one?" - and then the sinking feeling as you try to get up and realise that nup - bad day again.....

There's so much I want to be doing, so much I should be doing...and I can't.
I not only feel angry and frustrated and just plain sad at myself, I also feel it for Mrs Dee too.

The other factor in all this is....my parents (stop me if you've heard this before). They sold a house - kids all got a little spending money to do with as they wished...not me - I got given a washing machine.

I'm grateful - it saves me shlepping down to the laundrymat...but it's just the lack of...respect? communication? Maybe it's that they just don't trust me with money or fiscal responsibility...

Anyway - I recognize that ultimately I can only change myself - I see, for me, its a pride thing - they did an essentially good and nice thing.

Except...

Friday I get a call - My Dad - 'I'm coming down Friday to pick you up - your mother needs help with the PC'.

Now they often do this, but I haven't done it much recently because I moved - it's a good 2 hours away by car now - even more by train - and the things are so *menial* - they really should do a seniors PC course but they're 'embarrassed'. Ok, I know what they're like....had I been *asked* to help - fine; had we conferred on a day - great...no problem.

But I was *told* - and when I protested I didn't know what I was doing Friday (the job is ridiculous - my mother does not know how to open email attachments on Vista and will not respond to phone coaching) I was told I owed it to them for all they've done for me....with a meaningful silence to indicate the latest thing - the washing machine.

Once I would have buckled - I didn't this time. I said if that's the price your gifts carry, take it back and send me no more.

Bad feeling ensued...

I was told I was ungrateful, selfish, spoilt, and a disappointment to them. There was more...but I hung up.

These things hurt - I'm a grown man, but there's something about being castigated by your parents that carries an emotional weight - are they right? Have I been mistaken here?....does it really matter? could I do better? Noone does guilt like parents.

Add that to my physical woes at the the moment - and I admit I've been thinking

'well I'm useless, I'm selfish, I'm ungrateful, I can't go anywhere or do anything, I'm unreliable in that I often have to cancel stuff cos I'm not up to it...this is pretty much my drinking life....
so... why not drink? At least drinking 'took the edge off'...at least I could blame the drinking for the fact my life sucked....'


Ok, needless to say I haven't - I've talked it through, and have been ever since.

I've been remembering all the times drinking didn't take the edge off, and all the mornings after when the only thing that would make me feel 'better' in my sickness and despair was more booze. I can;t get back on that cycle.

I have to remind myself sometimes too that, while my life is kinda hard in a lot of ways, it doesn't suck - I have a lot of great things, and great people, in my life - and most of those I gained or regained after I got sober.

But one of the things I don't do....is let other people know what's going on, and I don't always let other people in enough.

Mrs Dee has been on at me to do this for days now - I should have - it would have been shorter LOL.

But I didn't - and I figured I needed to cos I've advised enough people here often enough to just lay it all out....and reach out.




I'm sorry this was so long - it needs an intermission really (who wants the popcorn concession on my next thread? LOL).

thanks all - I'm not theres a real question here or anything - I just needed to write.

D

Jules62

((((((((Dee)))))))))

You know I love you-and you have to know so many others here do too.

I'm so glad you wrote about what's going on with you.I know it's hard to do but I know for a fact now the support we get here makes it so worthwhile.

I'm so sorry your parents have gotten to you this way.I don't believe for a moment you are anything they're telling you that you are.I'm learning(so potently) that what my parents say about me isn't personal.They're often very wrong.And the only power their opinion of me has is the one I give them.I know it sounds simple but it isn't.I get that too.It's a process of detachment....

You are a good man who is anything but selfish.You've helped me and so many others here over almost 2 years.I can't imagine you going back to drinking and throwing away the wonderful person you've become.You deserve better.You ARE better.

I'm sorry you're hurting.I know many people here who will support you too.Don't believe the lies your parents tell you. You are one of the most decent people I know.

*hugs*

Jules xox

laurie6781

Dee.

I do understand. At about 2 1/2 years or so sober I finally realized that NO MATTER what I did or accomplished, I would NEVER meet my parents "EXPECTATIONS" of me. When I was finally able to accept that, I then realized it was THEIR PROBLEM not mine. From that moment on, I refused, yes just as you did to be "talked down to" by them. I told them that when they started treating me with respect, I would treat them the same. I was about 39 years old.

It took a few years, of very little and NO CONTACT but, they did come around eventually to at least be respectful.

BTW I never did meet THEIR EXPECTATIONS. However, I more than met mine. I had some really bad health issues and again got 'negative comments' so had to say "sorry, but I really don't this s**t right now." Hung up the phone.

Hurt, you bet it hurt. But, I know the my 'priorities' were then and still are in order.

HP first.

Then myself.

Then those around me in order of importance to me. Toxic people are not allowed to jeopardize my sobriety.

I know you will get through this. I continue to send prayers down under that the PT is working.

Hang in there my firend.

Love and hugs,

TryingSoHard

:ghug3

21 months is fantastic, congratulatory thread or not. Don't belittle it just because of some stress and/or guilt from your parents.

I think you're doing better than you give yourself credit for, Dee. And I don't think you were mistaken in your actions today.

I wish I could say something more useful or more wise, but for now just know that my heart is full for you and I'll be wishing you well.

Now bring on my popcorn LOL

scaredykat

Hi Dee. :ghug3

It getting late but wanted to say Hi and write you back. I can relate to a lot that you said. Parents can be a pain in the butt. My Dad actually was this week too where we couldn't E-Mail back and forth. He made me feel like it was my fault. Anyway, we never did figure out why, and i have to E-Mail him a different way now.

Anyway, what you wrote here I personal think is the trick. Gratitude. It helps me a lot. I also always have to remember where i went with my drinking and that helps me to stay sober too.

Your a great guy and an inspiration to me and others on here. Keep doing what your doing. Your doing nothing wrong but taking care of yourself.

Much love,
Barb

dave47

Congrats on 21 months Dee,
just on SR alone you give fantastic service and put into words what many of us cannot do.
My wife and I have had some of these issues with our respective parents and she is quite bitter about it, whilst my view is to shrug my shoulders and not let it bother me. She says to me sometimes that I wouldn't treat our kids like that though, so she is not overreacting. I tell her I agree with her but she isn't helping herself by stewing on it.
I know one thing though, I have told our kids that they will always be treated equally and when we are gone they will both inherit half our debts.
Can't add any more to what has already been said, you have a tough time and deal with it admirably. I have a lot of respect for you Dee and know you will come through this.

stone

Dee, I am sorry to hear about your walking problems, that must be hard to deal with.

As far as your parents go, you are right and they are wrong....on all points. No-one can get to us like our parents, they can still make us feel like little kids sometimes.

For some reason me and you clash a lot but I have a hell of a lot respect for you, I like you too, you are a good guy.

Drinking won't take the edge off, you know that, it will make everything MUCH worse.

mxchaos

We have different disorders but I too often feel like you but my last relapse made me realize drinking did nothing to help but it put me into a deep hole.

I have a hard time dealing with my mom and so glad she lives on the west coast. So I don't have any words of wisdom.

good luck dealing with them and be kind to yourself

Ann

(((Dee)))

As a parent I can learn from your post and just hope that I am never like that. On the other hand, I have meetings and a program that help me be a better person, and maybe your folks would gain from the same experience...however, only they can decide if they need this or not.

What occurred to me here is that I don't own anyone else's behaviour, and neither do you. Your parents are wrong in what they are doing and that's on them, not you. Maybe set some boundaries for yourself, what you are willing to do and what you are not, and then let them know clearly how it is going to be. You have a disability that limits your time and ability to take care of things like they ask. There is no shame in that, it's just how it is.

From where I sit, you shine in your recovery and you have done so much for me and others just by your sharing here. If the entire world isn't pleased with your progress or don't trust you enough to give you money then that's on them. You are still you whether they give you a washing machine or a million dollars, so please don't let their choices affect yours.

I'm glad you wrote it all out here, I know that it helps me too just to say it out loud sometimes.

You're doing just fine, Dee, good days and bad.

Hugs

P.S. Vista e-mail really does stink and I had trouble myself figuring out how to retrieve it. The good news is that it taught me something new, and I suppose life is about change and learning so thank you Vista for making such a lousy program that this codie can learn even more lessons on her journey.

Dee74

LMAO thanks for making me laugh before bed Ann.

And thanks to everyone else who posted or PMed me.

I still find it hard to take praise (go figure) but it's wonderful to know that the ppl who really know me think so well of me.

I'm really blessed to know so many great people

Still processing but I'm glad I did this - it was carthartic

Night all - see you tomorrow
D

Ananda

hey dee....I really related to this part of your post....MAN...this is the whole sobriety deal in a nutshell...

At first the changes are pretty basic...things like don't get to hungry, angry, lonely or tired; change routines; stay away from drinking situations; and basically "don't drink if your a$$ falls off"

But for me in sobriety those things will only take me so far....eventually I have to take the changes deeper or else I end up in exactly what you describe in the quote above. And i don't know how to describe this really, but i believe you have expereinced it...the change isn't always in my behavior and in my perception of things...sure sometimes but not always...sometimes the shift is something i cant really explain..but it changes us on a deeper level an in how things effect us.

I really really really need laughter in my sobriety, but at the same time...if I haven't gotten down to the nuts and bolts deep crp and started sorting it out, which includes sharing with other alchoholics as i process it, then my next drink is just out their waiting for me IMO

You have clearly done some of that in your past..the scky part is after we have done that...we have to do it again and again and again...... The good news it that there are golden moments of sobriety in almost every day...and we are not a glum lot

love ya dee and hang in there cause you are doing the things you need to in order to have a good and happy sobriety regardless of outside circumstances (hug)

Rusty Zipper

aunt dee now we just dont have to take it personal...

i have a guilt giver, and a button maker taboot too!

she installed the buttons, now i try not to let them get pushed...

stone

Makes mental note to praise Dee more often.

bugsworth

Dee...sometimes life just makes no sense, especially when you are doing the right thing. I have a situation with my parents similar in ways...I was a foster child raised with my parents natural children...would love to say we were all equal but that would be a lie. Recently I was told I am not in the will because I am not a natural child....40 years of dedication to them apparently doesn't cut the mustard...blood is blood and I don't have the necessary ingredient. I was hurt beyond belief...not because I may be out some cash but because my love for them has been discounted somehow. I decided for my own sanity to speak with my pastor about this...he knows me for years. While words did escape him he did remind me that I can't allow others to define who I am in my own right. I have been a good, loyal, loving daughter and their words do not negate that. You can't allow others actions to define you...you are none of those things your Dad said...if he bothered to look he would know. Most importantly you need to embrace the truth....you are a wonderful human being worthy of respect and I am glad you stood up for yourself. I wish I had the words...but they fail me...just know that there are so many people that love you and have learned from you here...you are invaluable and irreplaceable. I love you Dee...sleep well my friend.

gypsytears

No advice, no sympathy.

Just hugs and admiration for you Dee. You are growing up to be a wonderful young man. I'm proud of you .

xoxo

least

I"m sorry your parents are giving you such frustration. But I'm glad you're able to 'process' it without giving in to the urge to get numb. Also sorry you're going thru the physical distress lately. That sucks. ONly thing I can do for you is this:ghug3 and to tell you that I love ya!


Oh yeah, congrats on 21 months!!

desertdonna

It's too bad parents don't come with an instruction manual, Dee. I'm glad you drew your proverbial line in the sand. Initially, they balk and do the guilt trip thing because their sense of entitlement is lop sided. If you capitulate, then they can return to their skewed thinking and behaviors.

It smarts big time in the beginning and isn't always easy. Believe me, you can still love them and be a grateful human being, and tell them to go to hell in a nice way. How else will they ever take off their old cracked glasses of perception and treat you in the manner in which you deserve? You may be surprised how they might come around eventually.

A washing machine rather than cash? Pfffft. :brick

Hang tough, Mr. Dee. You're the best and we know it.

Love and hugs,

Donna

parentrecovers

your parents don't know you in the same way i do, i guess. i've never thought of you in any of those terms. but of course, i would take your side, as you're my friend and they're not. ha! i'm sure this isn't really very helpful.

i'd keep the washing machine, tho. and please give mrs. dee a hug from me.

sorry you're having to go through any of this dee, it sux ax.

Pelican

**"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use, " said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."

It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.

Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person, behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.

Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.

We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt-earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy or wrong. We have a right to set boundries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries and being violated.

Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.}
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, January 11th reading.

CarolD

No answers from me Dee.....but...
I too hang up when my daughter goes off on what
a rotten parent I have always been.

I've noticed this happens when I don't agree to do
something she wants.

She is no prize as a daughter either...

Hoping your mobility will improve
Here's to more good days than bad.
:ghug3