Finding Support Group that DP is NOT Part of.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Finding Support Group that DP is NOT Part of.....
I was not sober yesterday, not the day before, or the day before... I have not had a sober day in.... I could not tell you the last day I was Clean and or Sober!
I want meetings, I need meetings, I NEED the support of others! I am trying right now to figure out how to say this with out sounding as though I am just making excuses, but then again... perhaps that is all I am doing and this thread will help me realize I *am* making excuses!
My partner, wonderful man that he is, has 65(ugh, I think) days today. He is doing 90/90! He is such an inspiration!
~but.....
He, in my eyes, has/had taken the meetings to another level. He would (and sometimes still does if he is not happy with ME) leave for a morning meeting at 6:30 and not come back home until 9:30-10a!
He would then again leave for his PM meeting 5-7 (this meeting is less than mile from our home).
We have talked about this, I have expressed how I do not believe he needs to be gone so many hours of the day for TWO meetings. He has accused me of just being jealous of him, which is true... and I have told him so, damn right I am jealous of the fact he leaves and is gone for so long. He tells me he has to go to breakfast after the am meetings so that he can keep his sanity, that breakfast is more important than the meeting itself.
I get that, totally!!! After meetings is when he has the opportunity to hang out and get to know new friends! Totally get it!
During the times he is gone, I am still at home with three children and his 101y grandmother who *I* take care of. She is not mobile in any way unless there is a chair with wheels under her! She takes more care than all the children combined.
Anyway, he has stopped going to breakfast (hence the 4 hr meeting) every day, but does still go often.
He is a good man, VERY GOOD MAN!
He has told me often that I can go to meetings myself. That IF I want, there is not a problem with leaving him with the kids and gma while I go to a meeting for A HOUR! *huh* a hour???
Hum, seem to be babbling here!!! Getting on to the point.....
Everyone in the program around here (not a large town) knows him. I do not want to go to meetings where he has already made friends. NOT at all to say that this would not be a great thing in the future, but I feel as though I need to make my own friends, not make friends with his people, kwim?
I know that working the program WITH HIM will not be a problem at all... but I need my own support group.
I need the time to be able to leave the house and be gone for a couple hours. I do not honestly feel that this is possible. I have been house-locked for over a year taking care of his gma!!!!
I do not have any friends to visit around my town, closest friends are 40-60 mins away, and honestly, not the friends I need any more.
In fact, I do not have any sober/clean friends... something I need in my life!!!!
Ugh, still rambling on and on.. sorry. Ok, I will stop now. Perhaps someone will be able to decipher what it is I am trying to get out in this post.
I want meetings, I need meetings, I NEED the support of others! I am trying right now to figure out how to say this with out sounding as though I am just making excuses, but then again... perhaps that is all I am doing and this thread will help me realize I *am* making excuses!
My partner, wonderful man that he is, has 65(ugh, I think) days today. He is doing 90/90! He is such an inspiration!
~but.....
He, in my eyes, has/had taken the meetings to another level. He would (and sometimes still does if he is not happy with ME) leave for a morning meeting at 6:30 and not come back home until 9:30-10a!
He would then again leave for his PM meeting 5-7 (this meeting is less than mile from our home).
We have talked about this, I have expressed how I do not believe he needs to be gone so many hours of the day for TWO meetings. He has accused me of just being jealous of him, which is true... and I have told him so, damn right I am jealous of the fact he leaves and is gone for so long. He tells me he has to go to breakfast after the am meetings so that he can keep his sanity, that breakfast is more important than the meeting itself.
I get that, totally!!! After meetings is when he has the opportunity to hang out and get to know new friends! Totally get it!
During the times he is gone, I am still at home with three children and his 101y grandmother who *I* take care of. She is not mobile in any way unless there is a chair with wheels under her! She takes more care than all the children combined.
Anyway, he has stopped going to breakfast (hence the 4 hr meeting) every day, but does still go often.
He is a good man, VERY GOOD MAN!
He has told me often that I can go to meetings myself. That IF I want, there is not a problem with leaving him with the kids and gma while I go to a meeting for A HOUR! *huh* a hour???
Hum, seem to be babbling here!!! Getting on to the point.....
Everyone in the program around here (not a large town) knows him. I do not want to go to meetings where he has already made friends. NOT at all to say that this would not be a great thing in the future, but I feel as though I need to make my own friends, not make friends with his people, kwim?
I know that working the program WITH HIM will not be a problem at all... but I need my own support group.
I need the time to be able to leave the house and be gone for a couple hours. I do not honestly feel that this is possible. I have been house-locked for over a year taking care of his gma!!!!
I do not have any friends to visit around my town, closest friends are 40-60 mins away, and honestly, not the friends I need any more.
In fact, I do not have any sober/clean friends... something I need in my life!!!!
Ugh, still rambling on and on.. sorry. Ok, I will stop now. Perhaps someone will be able to decipher what it is I am trying to get out in this post.
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
good morning Casey , ANd welcome to SR
while in a realtionship and both are trying to work a progam it can be tuff . BUt it is do-able , Ive ran into cpls many times in the meetings . Tho I beleive they both as a cpl dont go in the same doors same time , Try one club hose at a diff time . YOur gonna end up meeting the same circle of friends no matter what. No one judges in them rooms . its another's job . I dont have much experience at this , But i am sober and married to a normie . BUt ive been in the rooms . we all share the same goal , and thats to be sober ... Take him up on his " hour thing" who said it wont take longer then an hour " if you know what i mean " And for the most part it does take longer then an hour ive always gone early to visit with those who open the door , help set up make coffee . and hang around help clean up after words and visit outside for a smoke with others . Once you go you will see . Hes workin his own program , which is his. you gotta do the same ( if thats what you want )
Soberity is acheivable if you really want it . Its there you just gotta get out there and work it . It sure has made a diff in my life and many others lifes . It dont have to be the way it is for you right now .. I hope you stick around were glad your here ... Endzy
while in a realtionship and both are trying to work a progam it can be tuff . BUt it is do-able , Ive ran into cpls many times in the meetings . Tho I beleive they both as a cpl dont go in the same doors same time , Try one club hose at a diff time . YOur gonna end up meeting the same circle of friends no matter what. No one judges in them rooms . its another's job . I dont have much experience at this , But i am sober and married to a normie . BUt ive been in the rooms . we all share the same goal , and thats to be sober ... Take him up on his " hour thing" who said it wont take longer then an hour " if you know what i mean " And for the most part it does take longer then an hour ive always gone early to visit with those who open the door , help set up make coffee . and hang around help clean up after words and visit outside for a smoke with others . Once you go you will see . Hes workin his own program , which is his. you gotta do the same ( if thats what you want )
Soberity is acheivable if you really want it . Its there you just gotta get out there and work it . It sure has made a diff in my life and many others lifes . It dont have to be the way it is for you right now .. I hope you stick around were glad your here ... Endzy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
I am in no way new to the program! I have been going to some sort of AA meeting since I could walk and my mother went for support due to my fathers disease.
I understand the 'service' part of working the program. I understand that you can blink your eyes and be at a meeting, it takes time to get there.
I am proud of him working his own program. He is defiantly going to be a better man/partner/father because of it...
I understand the 'service' part of working the program. I understand that you can blink your eyes and be at a meeting, it takes time to get there.
I am proud of him working his own program. He is defiantly going to be a better man/partner/father because of it...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Yes, this is a possibility... There is a meeting that I very much would LOVE to go to, its 20m away and at 4p. He goes every night to his 5:30, but insists on leaving at 5 to be there early.
I do not want to prevent him from his meetings, and with the 4-5p meeting and another 20min drive back home... well, he would be late for his meeting.
We have to put the gma to bed every night. As I said, she is NOT mobile. We physically pick her up to get her out of bed and to chair, out of chair to use potty, out of potty back to chair, out of chair to be put in bed. WE usually put her to bed just before/at 5pm so he can in return run out to catch his 5:30 meeting.
I think alternating would be great. Otherwise, he would only catch the back part of the meeting after I get home and we put her in bed... that is a 15minute job alone.
Thank you Sn0
I do not want to prevent him from his meetings, and with the 4-5p meeting and another 20min drive back home... well, he would be late for his meeting.
We have to put the gma to bed every night. As I said, she is NOT mobile. We physically pick her up to get her out of bed and to chair, out of chair to use potty, out of potty back to chair, out of chair to be put in bed. WE usually put her to bed just before/at 5pm so he can in return run out to catch his 5:30 meeting.
I think alternating would be great. Otherwise, he would only catch the back part of the meeting after I get home and we put her in bed... that is a 15minute job alone.
Thank you Sn0
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Maybe it's time you guys had a serious talk about the importance of your sobriety. Does he realize how desperate you want to be sober? And how much you want support? I don't think it's ridiculous to ask for some time for yourself, in fact it sounds rather necessary at this point!
Regarding his grandma, that's amazing that you take care of her, she is really blessed to have you. Have you looked into home health care, visiting nurses, etc? Depending on if she has Medicare or Medicaid, her doc might be able to write an order for a LITTLE bit of home care (if it was just to put her to bed..), or maybe it would even be worth it to private pay (they usually have sliding scales, based on HER ability to pay) for some home care for her?
So many people don't even want help, I just hate to see how badly you want it, but then that darn thing called LIFE is getting in your way. I hope you can get the support you need, Casey.
Regarding his grandma, that's amazing that you take care of her, she is really blessed to have you. Have you looked into home health care, visiting nurses, etc? Depending on if she has Medicare or Medicaid, her doc might be able to write an order for a LITTLE bit of home care (if it was just to put her to bed..), or maybe it would even be worth it to private pay (they usually have sliding scales, based on HER ability to pay) for some home care for her?
So many people don't even want help, I just hate to see how badly you want it, but then that darn thing called LIFE is getting in your way. I hope you can get the support you need, Casey.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I have no experience with this stuff. But I just wanted to say welcome. Glad you are here.
I hope you can work things out.
I think alternating is a great idea too.
Hope to see you more.
I hope you can work things out.
I think alternating is a great idea too.
Hope to see you more.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
It does seem that you need some 'down time' yourself. I like the idea of alternating meetings/days, so you both get some meetings. What about Home Health Care? If you could get an aide to come in a few days a week just for respite care for you it might be helpful to your staying sober and not feeling 'cabin fever' so badly.
Just don't drink for today, ok? Just for today don't drink.
:ghug3
Just don't drink for today, ok? Just for today don't drink.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
Originally Posted by Sn0man 
Can you guys alternate days where one day you will attend meetings and the nex he will? Is that feasable?
This is just a feeling I'm having right now, so take it for what it's worth: It may become necessary to separate to get sober. It's a question of how much you want it....Put recovery first, everything you put second becomes first class......Then................................... ..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere west of the Mississippi
Posts: 224
I agree with Flutter-- your sobriety is of equal importance and the two of you should probably talk about that and come up with a working plan that will allow both of you to spend equal time in recovery activities while equally dividing the time at home with family responsibilities. Anything less than this is you and your "good man" deliberately shorting you out of what you need and deserve.
Look, when I first moved in with my alkie ex, he had stopped going to meetings but at some point during our early dating period he had mentioned that it would be useful to him for me to learn about the program. Well, several months later I was living in his house and I stumbled upon AlAnon meetings online, and I attended a few. When I told him about that, he hit the roof because "all his ex ever did was go from meeting to meeting and he wasn't going to have his new relationship go the same way." I was confused but I stopped seeking information and help, which was the worst thing I could have done because, truth be known, I was just sobering up myself and could probably have used AA at that time. But I let HIS selfishness dictate the progress of my own recovery and ended up doing the dry drunk thing with him for the next seven years. He eventually started going back to his meetings, but I was long sober by then so I never got to work the program.
In hindsight, I really needed to take care of my own business and let him take care of his, but my codependency didn't allow me to see it that way. Lesson learned, and now three years out of that relationship I have been drinking ever since and find myself exactly where I should have been 10 years ago-- attending AA meetings for the first time.
So-- just my advice-- but I think you have the right to demand that your recovery be on equal terms to his, and you have the right to walk into those rooms and sit with those people and listen to the shares and work your own program with your own sponsor and make your own friends. It will be hard at first but I think you can't afford to avoid meetings just because people there know your AH. The program is there for all of us, for each of us, not one above the other.
***editing to add: Also, your AH can include online meetings in his 90-in-90 so he doesn't have to be away from home all the time in order to get that done. And you can, too!***
Look, when I first moved in with my alkie ex, he had stopped going to meetings but at some point during our early dating period he had mentioned that it would be useful to him for me to learn about the program. Well, several months later I was living in his house and I stumbled upon AlAnon meetings online, and I attended a few. When I told him about that, he hit the roof because "all his ex ever did was go from meeting to meeting and he wasn't going to have his new relationship go the same way." I was confused but I stopped seeking information and help, which was the worst thing I could have done because, truth be known, I was just sobering up myself and could probably have used AA at that time. But I let HIS selfishness dictate the progress of my own recovery and ended up doing the dry drunk thing with him for the next seven years. He eventually started going back to his meetings, but I was long sober by then so I never got to work the program.
In hindsight, I really needed to take care of my own business and let him take care of his, but my codependency didn't allow me to see it that way. Lesson learned, and now three years out of that relationship I have been drinking ever since and find myself exactly where I should have been 10 years ago-- attending AA meetings for the first time.
So-- just my advice-- but I think you have the right to demand that your recovery be on equal terms to his, and you have the right to walk into those rooms and sit with those people and listen to the shares and work your own program with your own sponsor and make your own friends. It will be hard at first but I think you can't afford to avoid meetings just because people there know your AH. The program is there for all of us, for each of us, not one above the other.
***editing to add: Also, your AH can include online meetings in his 90-in-90 so he doesn't have to be away from home all the time in order to get that done. And you can, too!***
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Good advice from all above! Is there "Respite" care in your community? That's someone who will come to your house for a few hours while you run errands. I believe it's free and staffed by volunteers. You might check with your local hospital Social Services to see what's available. That could give you some time to take care of business and get to a meeting of your own.
You need some time to take care of yourself, as you have said.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Lenina
You need some time to take care of yourself, as you have said.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Lenina
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
He has told me often that I can go to meetings myself. That IF I want, there is not a problem with leaving him with the kids and gma while I go to a meeting for A HOUR! *huh* a hour???
Don't drink. Just for this 24 hours.
Take up his offers for the one meeting. ( for now)
I believe avenues will open up for you that will surprise you...
Don't make it hard on yourself to "get started".
You already carry a heavy load.
Getting sober with a "good man"...is the dream of so many.
I wish you the best..
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Thank you to everyone!!!
I went to a 12:30 NA meeting, it was good to get out. There was a girl who was waiting on a ride and I ended up taking her home. So nice to meet new people!!!
WE had a HUGE thing happen today...
HOSPICE came in and did an assessment! Score!!!!
Gma is now under Hospice care, they are going to get a HHA to come in a bathe her 3Xw... I am freaking ecstatic!!!!!!
Also about the Respite.... yes, they offer to take her in to a facility of sorts, she can go 5 days at a time... believe it is once a month. I don't care, but I am so happy about that!
Even if I got TWO FULL DAYS where I did not have to wake up, get baby fed and changed, get 4yr up-fed-changed so I can get gma bathed-dressed-breakfast ... and of course sit in my house waiting on her to say she needs to pee/poop... OMG, what a blessing this has been today!
Also, the intake nurse told us that they will provide her with a bed/wheelchair/Oxygen, etc...
~we already had these things, but at a VERY PRICEY payment we had these already.
Well, Hospice does not charge us AT ALL FOR ANY OF IT!!!
The RN said she would have these thing delivered today, omg, freaking 4 hrs later.. BAM!
So awesome!
I feel as though I can breathe for the first time in a LOOOONG time!
I went to a 12:30 NA meeting, it was good to get out. There was a girl who was waiting on a ride and I ended up taking her home. So nice to meet new people!!!
WE had a HUGE thing happen today...
HOSPICE came in and did an assessment! Score!!!!
Gma is now under Hospice care, they are going to get a HHA to come in a bathe her 3Xw... I am freaking ecstatic!!!!!!
Also about the Respite.... yes, they offer to take her in to a facility of sorts, she can go 5 days at a time... believe it is once a month. I don't care, but I am so happy about that!
Even if I got TWO FULL DAYS where I did not have to wake up, get baby fed and changed, get 4yr up-fed-changed so I can get gma bathed-dressed-breakfast ... and of course sit in my house waiting on her to say she needs to pee/poop... OMG, what a blessing this has been today!
Also, the intake nurse told us that they will provide her with a bed/wheelchair/Oxygen, etc...
~we already had these things, but at a VERY PRICEY payment we had these already.
Well, Hospice does not charge us AT ALL FOR ANY OF IT!!!
The RN said she would have these thing delivered today, omg, freaking 4 hrs later.. BAM!
So awesome!
I feel as though I can breathe for the first time in a LOOOONG time!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Oh, btw.... he goes to AA meetings, so that worked out really well.
I do not know if I want to be part of the AA family or the NA family or both, I *know* the two groups are very different (the people really are)... but for now, I will take whatever meetings I can get to.
He was super supportive of me going to another meeting tonight. I am not going though, have had two sick kids this past week and now of course, mommy is getting it also!
But hey, I got that noon-thirty meeting!!!
I do not know if I want to be part of the AA family or the NA family or both, I *know* the two groups are very different (the people really are)... but for now, I will take whatever meetings I can get to.
He was super supportive of me going to another meeting tonight. I am not going though, have had two sick kids this past week and now of course, mommy is getting it also!
But hey, I got that noon-thirty meeting!!!
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