Stressing out... and talking to myself
I'm just a little unwell
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Stressing out... and talking to myself
I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink...
And if I were to drink, I might feel better RIGHT NOW but later I will feel a LOT worse. Worse in too many ways to list. Worse in ways that it will take a long time to get over.
I am stressing out. I had a conversation with my 14-going-on-20 year old a little while ago. The conversation did not go to his liking and now he's probably going to give me the silent treatment. Nevermind that I spent an ungodly amount of money on football playoff tickets for his Christmas present and we're going tomorrow. Nevermind that he has a GOOD life in a NICE home with a LOVING family. I told him some stuff tonight that didn't fit in to his fantasy-land he's created in his mind so now he's going to pout.
So I called my husband (not his dad) to tell him about this conversation. Not to whine and complain about it, just to TELL him about it so that he would know the conversation took place. Lately it seems that I think I've told him something and he insists I haven't, and that upsets him (he says he feels left out and that no one ever tells him anything), so I'm making a concerted effort to be SURE I tell him what's going on.
Midway through the conversation he started to get really irritated and says, "You know, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore." Oooookay. So a minute later I tell him that I wasn't calling to upset him, or to get him all worked up and frustrated at the child, I just wanted to let him know that we had had this conversation, and I don't want him to come back a month from now when it probably comes up again and say that no one told him.
Well. That just pushed him right over the edge. He said, "Well now this conversation is just going VERY badly." I asked why, and he said, "Because you just told me that the only reason you even bothered to call me is so I can't come back later and say you never told me about this." I said NO, that is NOT what I said, I said I was calling so that you would know about the conversation and what was said. Yes, it will be nice if a month from now it doesn't get brought up that no one told you about it, but that was not my motive for calling you. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. He insisted that I must feel that he just treats me horribly. I said I do NOT see how you are getting that from what I just said, and you are completely twisting my words.
He said, "Fine", and I told him I'd let him know when I was on my way home and that was that.
I am *stressing* now.
And I'm at work, which is across the street from my old favorite liquor store.
3 months ago, I would have high-tailed it across the street - probably before coming here, even - and bought myself a nice treat.
Tonight I am NOT going to do that, but man... I'm remembering the days when I would have.
I used to not believe that I drank to cope or to "deal" with feelings, but the more I think about it the more I am starting to realize that's EXACTLY what I did. It's kind of scary. It's no wonder that now that I'm 3+ months sober my first thought under stress is of booze. It's an automatic response. It's how I used to cope and I haven't learned any new coping techniques yet.
So as I do inventory tonight, I will be chanting to myself, "I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink. It will not cure what is upsetting me, and it will only upset me more later. I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink."
Maybe it's a step in the right direction that I can now realize that drinking was my way of coping... but it honestly sucks to realize I don't know how to cope.
But I will not drink.
And if I were to drink, I might feel better RIGHT NOW but later I will feel a LOT worse. Worse in too many ways to list. Worse in ways that it will take a long time to get over.
I am stressing out. I had a conversation with my 14-going-on-20 year old a little while ago. The conversation did not go to his liking and now he's probably going to give me the silent treatment. Nevermind that I spent an ungodly amount of money on football playoff tickets for his Christmas present and we're going tomorrow. Nevermind that he has a GOOD life in a NICE home with a LOVING family. I told him some stuff tonight that didn't fit in to his fantasy-land he's created in his mind so now he's going to pout.
So I called my husband (not his dad) to tell him about this conversation. Not to whine and complain about it, just to TELL him about it so that he would know the conversation took place. Lately it seems that I think I've told him something and he insists I haven't, and that upsets him (he says he feels left out and that no one ever tells him anything), so I'm making a concerted effort to be SURE I tell him what's going on.
Midway through the conversation he started to get really irritated and says, "You know, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore." Oooookay. So a minute later I tell him that I wasn't calling to upset him, or to get him all worked up and frustrated at the child, I just wanted to let him know that we had had this conversation, and I don't want him to come back a month from now when it probably comes up again and say that no one told him.
Well. That just pushed him right over the edge. He said, "Well now this conversation is just going VERY badly." I asked why, and he said, "Because you just told me that the only reason you even bothered to call me is so I can't come back later and say you never told me about this." I said NO, that is NOT what I said, I said I was calling so that you would know about the conversation and what was said. Yes, it will be nice if a month from now it doesn't get brought up that no one told you about it, but that was not my motive for calling you. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. He insisted that I must feel that he just treats me horribly. I said I do NOT see how you are getting that from what I just said, and you are completely twisting my words.
He said, "Fine", and I told him I'd let him know when I was on my way home and that was that.
I am *stressing* now.
And I'm at work, which is across the street from my old favorite liquor store.
3 months ago, I would have high-tailed it across the street - probably before coming here, even - and bought myself a nice treat.
Tonight I am NOT going to do that, but man... I'm remembering the days when I would have.
I used to not believe that I drank to cope or to "deal" with feelings, but the more I think about it the more I am starting to realize that's EXACTLY what I did. It's kind of scary. It's no wonder that now that I'm 3+ months sober my first thought under stress is of booze. It's an automatic response. It's how I used to cope and I haven't learned any new coping techniques yet.
So as I do inventory tonight, I will be chanting to myself, "I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink. It will not cure what is upsetting me, and it will only upset me more later. I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink."
Maybe it's a step in the right direction that I can now realize that drinking was my way of coping... but it honestly sucks to realize I don't know how to cope.
But I will not drink.
getting there
Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,314
Hey TSH,
I totally understand what you mean! I used to think exactly the same thing, that I never drank as a coping mechanism, but since I've been trying to stop, I've felt the same as you... every time something unpleasant happens, my first thought is, well, better go get a bottle of wine! I too am getting better at recognizing it and trying to just let myself feel the negative emotions. It's really scary and I don't like it, actually I hate it, but drinking it away is such a waste of time, money, and health, and it doesn't do anything but make things worse. (hoping I remember this myself in the future as well!)
I hope things get worked out for you, and most of all that you can get through the next couple of hours without stopping at the liquor store. I have confidence in you though, you have a lot of time and strength behind you now. :ghug3
I totally understand what you mean! I used to think exactly the same thing, that I never drank as a coping mechanism, but since I've been trying to stop, I've felt the same as you... every time something unpleasant happens, my first thought is, well, better go get a bottle of wine! I too am getting better at recognizing it and trying to just let myself feel the negative emotions. It's really scary and I don't like it, actually I hate it, but drinking it away is such a waste of time, money, and health, and it doesn't do anything but make things worse. (hoping I remember this myself in the future as well!)
I hope things get worked out for you, and most of all that you can get through the next couple of hours without stopping at the liquor store. I have confidence in you though, you have a lot of time and strength behind you now. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
When I read your post, I started to wonder if he doesn't feel a little insecure about his place in the relationship with you and your son. If so, he may question everything that happens, and, often, take it the wrong way. Now that your clear headed, you may be more attuned to it. Perhaps you're being more thoughtful than before you quit drinking and he may not be used to it.
Just a thought.
My wife is really having to adjust to me... I want to talk to her more, I am more involved and attentive. She doesn't always know what to make of it. Certainly it is more work for her, if there is an issue I don't just go and isolate, now I talk about it, I'm sensitive (probably over sensitive) to her reactions and expressions (verbal and non verbal) of emotion... It makes her crazy sometimes...
You have seemingly good insight and explain the situation in a very fair manner. I think you will be fine, and he will begin to see how lucky he really is.
I'll root for Tennessee! However, I am really thinking about that Giants v. Eagles game Sunday...
Mark
Just a thought.
My wife is really having to adjust to me... I want to talk to her more, I am more involved and attentive. She doesn't always know what to make of it. Certainly it is more work for her, if there is an issue I don't just go and isolate, now I talk about it, I'm sensitive (probably over sensitive) to her reactions and expressions (verbal and non verbal) of emotion... It makes her crazy sometimes...
You have seemingly good insight and explain the situation in a very fair manner. I think you will be fine, and he will begin to see how lucky he really is.
I'll root for Tennessee! However, I am really thinking about that Giants v. Eagles game Sunday...
Mark
I'm just a little unwell
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
This has the potential to open a whole other can of worms, but here goes.
My current husband has been in my life - and therefore my son's life - since my son was 3. He's now 14. We married when my son was 5. Yes, I think there has always been a bit of insecurity about my current husband and my son. I think part of that has to do with the fact that my husband is 6 years younger than me and was only 23 when we married and he was suddenly a husband AND a dad, and having to deal with an incredibly unreasonable ex-husband to boot.
As the years have passed and my son has gotten older, the stress level has increased instead of decreased. We've had multiple discussions about their relationship and interactions over the years. Many times I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. Truth be told, I did an awful lot of drinking because I was depressed, stressed, or both about their relationship.
My husband will swear to each and every one of you, passionately and unequivocally, that there is NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER in how he feels or treats our two children (we have a 5-year old together). That just plain is not true. I don't know if he honestly can't SEE it or if it just shames him too much to admit it, but he does in fact treat them differently. I DO believe that he LOVES my (older) son. I do. I just believe that he could handle a lot of situations very differently.
The discussion that I had with my son tonight was about him driving and getting his permit when he turns 15 in 4 months. My son, like probably every other teenager out there, has an attitude of entitlement. He doesn't believe he should have to work for or EARN anything. He believes everything he wants and desires should be handed to him, preferably while he sleeps until 1pm every day. Oh, and he shouldn't have to ask for anything either. We should just know what he wants and automatically give it to him! So I was trying to explain to him that driving is a privilege that is earned, not a right that he is entitled to, and if he is serious about wanting to learn to drive and get his permit when he turns 15 then there are certain behaviors he will have to start exhibiting to prove to me that he is responsible enough for that. Things like learning street names, learning directions, and studying the highway rules. And also that if he is serious about driving, then he needs to get serious about getting a J-O-B because gas and car insurance are expensive and he is expected to pay for those things.
I have been telling him all of this - literally - since he was about 7 and started showing interest in cars.
I guess in the past 7 years he either thought I was lying or thought that I wasn't serious, because he acted like he just COULD NOT BELIEVE the words coming from my mouth. I mean - the INDIGNITY of it all!
So when I was telling my husband about this conversation and my son's reaction - just so he would know it took place, because I'm sure it will come up again in the next 4 months - he started getting really irritated at my son's attitude about the whole thing. I'm not irritated about it; I kind of look at it as he can react however he wants. If he's a little s**t, then he won't get his permit. He can suck it up and be responsible, or he can not drive. It matters not to me. But my husband was almost taking it personally, and I don't know why. He was literally getting so frustrated, just hearing me talk about the conversation, that he didn't even want to discuss it anymore.
It just reminds me that things in my life are not as I would like them to be, and I can no longer hide behind the bottle.
I'm sorry I rambled. This is why I need a therapist.
My current husband has been in my life - and therefore my son's life - since my son was 3. He's now 14. We married when my son was 5. Yes, I think there has always been a bit of insecurity about my current husband and my son. I think part of that has to do with the fact that my husband is 6 years younger than me and was only 23 when we married and he was suddenly a husband AND a dad, and having to deal with an incredibly unreasonable ex-husband to boot.
As the years have passed and my son has gotten older, the stress level has increased instead of decreased. We've had multiple discussions about their relationship and interactions over the years. Many times I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. Truth be told, I did an awful lot of drinking because I was depressed, stressed, or both about their relationship.
My husband will swear to each and every one of you, passionately and unequivocally, that there is NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER in how he feels or treats our two children (we have a 5-year old together). That just plain is not true. I don't know if he honestly can't SEE it or if it just shames him too much to admit it, but he does in fact treat them differently. I DO believe that he LOVES my (older) son. I do. I just believe that he could handle a lot of situations very differently.
The discussion that I had with my son tonight was about him driving and getting his permit when he turns 15 in 4 months. My son, like probably every other teenager out there, has an attitude of entitlement. He doesn't believe he should have to work for or EARN anything. He believes everything he wants and desires should be handed to him, preferably while he sleeps until 1pm every day. Oh, and he shouldn't have to ask for anything either. We should just know what he wants and automatically give it to him! So I was trying to explain to him that driving is a privilege that is earned, not a right that he is entitled to, and if he is serious about wanting to learn to drive and get his permit when he turns 15 then there are certain behaviors he will have to start exhibiting to prove to me that he is responsible enough for that. Things like learning street names, learning directions, and studying the highway rules. And also that if he is serious about driving, then he needs to get serious about getting a J-O-B because gas and car insurance are expensive and he is expected to pay for those things.
I have been telling him all of this - literally - since he was about 7 and started showing interest in cars.
I guess in the past 7 years he either thought I was lying or thought that I wasn't serious, because he acted like he just COULD NOT BELIEVE the words coming from my mouth. I mean - the INDIGNITY of it all!
So when I was telling my husband about this conversation and my son's reaction - just so he would know it took place, because I'm sure it will come up again in the next 4 months - he started getting really irritated at my son's attitude about the whole thing. I'm not irritated about it; I kind of look at it as he can react however he wants. If he's a little s**t, then he won't get his permit. He can suck it up and be responsible, or he can not drive. It matters not to me. But my husband was almost taking it personally, and I don't know why. He was literally getting so frustrated, just hearing me talk about the conversation, that he didn't even want to discuss it anymore.
It just reminds me that things in my life are not as I would like them to be, and I can no longer hide behind the bottle.
I'm sorry I rambled. This is why I need a therapist.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I have no wisdom today TSH - but it seems like you're on to it anyway
drinking won't make your son any less of a teenager, or your husband any less of a male LOL
ok I wrote that before the essay ^ so I hope it doesn't look flippant...I just know one of my biggest revelations in sobriety was that I couldn't fix things or control things the way I wanted to, and I had to learn to live with stuff....
work in progress LOL
D
drinking won't make your son any less of a teenager, or your husband any less of a male LOL
ok I wrote that before the essay ^ so I hope it doesn't look flippant...I just know one of my biggest revelations in sobriety was that I couldn't fix things or control things the way I wanted to, and I had to learn to live with stuff....
work in progress LOL
D
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
It's no wonder that now that I'm 3+ months sober my first thought under stress is of booze. It's an automatic response. It's how I used to cope and I haven't learned any new coping techniques yet.
You are here. And you arent going to drink. You are making yourself aware of the red flags. And to me..Thats pretty good.
Hope you can relax after awhile.(without the drink) Just take it easy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Dee74 
drinking won't make your son any less of a teenager, or your husband any less of a male LOL
...No really, when it comes to guys and cars, well, we are not always rational... The only thing I'd say, have this conversation when all three of you are in the same room, after you confer with your husband in private first...
Really, TSH, you seem to have your head on straight... trust your own (good) judgement...
Mark
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
I think that you sound WONDERFUL TSH and that you are coping quite nicely. You are considering others' feelings but also LISTENING and ACKNOWLEDGING the VALIDITY of YOURS! If you are anything like me, in the past, I wouldn't have paid attention to me and my needs (because I didn't think I was worthy or "counted"), then I would have gone to the bottle. I think you are GREAT!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
TSH~ First of all you and StrongBird have really helped me tonight. Your post about drinking being your way of coping is EXACTLY what I did. It's hard but we will learn new and healthier ways =)
About the thing with your Husband. You say he treats the Kids differently but he just might not see it. Well, coming from experience because I have a StepFather, they do treat us differently and most of the time they DON"T know it! My StepDad is amazing and he adores me and my Kids, but his relationship with my Brother is different. HOWEVER my Brother was always difficult. He would get in trouble at school, has gotten arrested (now he is on House arrest, at my PARENTS house!). It causes a lot of arguments with my Mom and StepDad as well. See also my Dad was always a complete and total enabler (not saying that's the case with you) But my Brother seems to have this sense of, I don't know, entitlement? As if things happen to him for no reason?
Anyway, my whole point is that no matter how much they try to treat us the same, it doesn't usually happen. We are both his step children and get treated differently by my StepDad. Hell, even my Dad treats us differently! So many Parents try not to do that, but they do anyways. A lot of the time without even realizing it. Did that make any sense? It's late and I"m hungry and I hope that made sense!
About the thing with your Husband. You say he treats the Kids differently but he just might not see it. Well, coming from experience because I have a StepFather, they do treat us differently and most of the time they DON"T know it! My StepDad is amazing and he adores me and my Kids, but his relationship with my Brother is different. HOWEVER my Brother was always difficult. He would get in trouble at school, has gotten arrested (now he is on House arrest, at my PARENTS house!). It causes a lot of arguments with my Mom and StepDad as well. See also my Dad was always a complete and total enabler (not saying that's the case with you) But my Brother seems to have this sense of, I don't know, entitlement? As if things happen to him for no reason?
Anyway, my whole point is that no matter how much they try to treat us the same, it doesn't usually happen. We are both his step children and get treated differently by my StepDad. Hell, even my Dad treats us differently! So many Parents try not to do that, but they do anyways. A lot of the time without even realizing it. Did that make any sense? It's late and I"m hungry and I hope that made sense!
I'm just a little unwell
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Originally Posted by Dee74
ok I wrote that before the essay ^
one of my biggest revelations in sobriety was that I couldn't fix things or control things the way I wanted to, and I had to learn to live with stuff....
I'll try to control the essays for the rest of the weekend.
I'm just a little unwell
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Mariposa, it's really frustrating to me sometimes. He is so nauseatingly sweet to the little one, and so hard and unflinching with the teenager. And then he wonders why the teenager doesn't ever want to just sit and chat with him, and stuff like that.
My poor son... sometimes I feel like he can't catch a break. His dad is remarried and his stepmom is a MONSTER. She is a complete control freak, and she's a bit psycho, too. Like - seriously. They have 2 kids and both were born extremely prematurely. The older one will have lifelong consequences; she's really lucky to even be alive. My ex has never stood up for our son with his wife, and when my son was 12 it all came to a head and my son quit going to visit them for about a year. Things have gotten slightly better since then, but I think mainly just because my son is getting older and learning to just say feck it while he's there. But the situation is almost reversing and sometimes I feel like now he's going through with MY husband what he was going through with his step-mom 2 years ago, and that scares the bejeesus out of me. I've tried discussing it with my husband and most of the time the discussion goes nowhere because he refuses to believe he's treating the kids differently, much less treating the older one unreasonably. Sometimes I swear I wish I could just videotape him and show him the tape later.
I said I was going to curb the essays, didn't I? LOL Sorry!
My poor son... sometimes I feel like he can't catch a break. His dad is remarried and his stepmom is a MONSTER. She is a complete control freak, and she's a bit psycho, too. Like - seriously. They have 2 kids and both were born extremely prematurely. The older one will have lifelong consequences; she's really lucky to even be alive. My ex has never stood up for our son with his wife, and when my son was 12 it all came to a head and my son quit going to visit them for about a year. Things have gotten slightly better since then, but I think mainly just because my son is getting older and learning to just say feck it while he's there. But the situation is almost reversing and sometimes I feel like now he's going through with MY husband what he was going through with his step-mom 2 years ago, and that scares the bejeesus out of me. I've tried discussing it with my husband and most of the time the discussion goes nowhere because he refuses to believe he's treating the kids differently, much less treating the older one unreasonably. Sometimes I swear I wish I could just videotape him and show him the tape later.
I said I was going to curb the essays, didn't I? LOL Sorry!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
TSH~ My Mom feels that way about my Brother as well. It's obvious to me how my Stepdad is toward my Brother, I mean even my Hubby can see it. I can understand your frustration. It's hard because YOU are in the middle. If you stand up for your Son it causes and argument with your Hubby. If you say something to your Son you are taking Hubby's side over him. What a pain in the a** that is. I see my Mom go through it everyday and it makes me want to tell them BOTH to grow up.
But your Son is only 14 and is at an age where it's so hard to get them to talk to you at all! So if he feels your Hubby treats him different, and his StepMonster (hehehe) is the same way, then yeah, I understand your hurt.
Girl don't worry about the "essays" lol! I was supposed to be taking an internet break and does it look to you like I"m away from the computer? lmfao Whatever it takes to make you feel better =)
But your Son is only 14 and is at an age where it's so hard to get them to talk to you at all! So if he feels your Hubby treats him different, and his StepMonster (hehehe) is the same way, then yeah, I understand your hurt.
Girl don't worry about the "essays" lol! I was supposed to be taking an internet break and does it look to you like I"m away from the computer? lmfao Whatever it takes to make you feel better =)
getting there
Join Date: May 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 1,314
TSH, I agree, I think you sound like you are being very level-headed about everything. Even though your mind might go to a drink as the first answer, you know that's just a trick and are learning other ways to handle your feelings. I think that is just awesome.
I'm not a parent, but I can understand how your situation would be difficult. I think I would almost feel like I had to protect my child from a spouse who was talking that way about them, instead of feeling like that person was there to help me deal with the situation in the best way for the child. I'm not sure that last sentence made sense, but it's Friday and I'm tired!
I'm not a parent, but I can understand how your situation would be difficult. I think I would almost feel like I had to protect my child from a spouse who was talking that way about them, instead of feeling like that person was there to help me deal with the situation in the best way for the child. I'm not sure that last sentence made sense, but it's Friday and I'm tired!
I'm just a little unwell
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
CG, it DID make sense, and yes. It puts me between a rock and a hard place sometimes and I don't appreciate it. I told him way back when, when we first got together, that if I EVER felt like I had to choose between him and my son I'm sorry - my son would win. It's more complicated now that we've been together so long and have a child of our own, but I still feel just as strongly that I need to stand up for my son and keep everyone in check.
I know that I can't CONTROL them, and they are responsible for their own actions, but sometimes I feel like I have to play referee, ya know? And it's just not that way with the little one. In my husband's eyes, that boy can do no wrong. I love him to pieces and think he's the best thing since sliced bread, but I certainly do recognize times when he's just trying to kiss up or play us to get his way!!
I had forgotten about all of these feelings because I haven't dealt with them in a long time. I certainly understand and remember why I wanted to escape them. They are no fun.
I have one of those marriages that people look at from the outside and think I'm living a fairy tale life. Everyone thinks everything is Oh So Perfect and what could POSSIBLY be wrong in our house?! It's a lot of pressure, and it just ain't so. We're still human, after all, and we live a complicated life, even if we ARE blessed in many ways.
I know that I can't CONTROL them, and they are responsible for their own actions, but sometimes I feel like I have to play referee, ya know? And it's just not that way with the little one. In my husband's eyes, that boy can do no wrong. I love him to pieces and think he's the best thing since sliced bread, but I certainly do recognize times when he's just trying to kiss up or play us to get his way!!
I had forgotten about all of these feelings because I haven't dealt with them in a long time. I certainly understand and remember why I wanted to escape them. They are no fun.
I have one of those marriages that people look at from the outside and think I'm living a fairy tale life. Everyone thinks everything is Oh So Perfect and what could POSSIBLY be wrong in our house?! It's a lot of pressure, and it just ain't so. We're still human, after all, and we live a complicated life, even if we ARE blessed in many ways.
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