LauraS

Hello all,

I guess I am what you would call a high-bottom drunk, as it's in my nature to want to deal with things before they get completely out of hand. It's the same part of my nature that makes me want to diet as soon as I gain ten extra pounds so that I don't have to lose 40 later on. People say i don't need to diet, but I know what would happen if I didn't.

So, my drinking is something that I mostly moderate, but I'm coming to a reluctant acceptance of two hard facts about myself-- that moderation is not always within my reach, and that stopping on my own is impossible. My pattern of drinking is to drink to some degree nearly every day, to drink to excess maybe once a week, and to binge myself silly a few times a month. And the longer I go, the more frequent the binges and excesses become.

I've said I was going to quit several times in the past couple of years, but have never really stuck with it for more than a few days. By the fourth day I usually have intense cravings and these are combined with self-talk about how I'm able to keep things under control. Blah blah blah.

This time, I have decided to get to some AA meetings and really stop. I am amazed at how far in denial I can go, and just about every day so far I have had to shut up this little voice that wants me to believe that I don't reeeealy have a drinking problem, that I just overdid it here and there, but, really, I can handle my liquor.

You know, I have done some pretty stupid things while drunk, especially recently, and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to wake up feeling like I did the last time I was hungover, when I seriously was so depressed I thought about going into the garage with a bottle of wine and starting the car with the garage door shut. It was that intense post-binge depression that made me finally realize that I needed to get help, and fast.

How I can go from that point just a week ago to this deep denial is just... mind boggling.

Bamboozle

Hello, Laura. Welcome to SR!


How are you doing now?
I'm glad to read that you are getting help.


Stick around for a while and keep reading and posting.

LauraS

Thanks for the welcome! I am doing pretty well at the moment; a week in and life seems brighter again. On the fourth day I had a few horrible moments where I really and truly would have hit any bottle if there had been one nearby, but luckily I was able to get through it. I tried desperately that day to convince my husband that I had made a terrible mistake in deciding to quit completely, but he did not buy it and, deep down, neither did I. So I am still here

Bamboozle

I'm newly sober again...I tell myself everyday I can start up (I won't lie...I miss it a lot), but I know that's dangerous. It's been a few weeks and I'm noticing some changes...I've been down this road before and I'd like to stay on it this time.

CarolD

Hi again Laura ...

In reply to your share in our "2 eeks and under" Daily support Forum
I mentioned Lifesavers.

Here's the rest of my experience with cravings..
In early sobriety....
I timed my cravings.

They were 5-7 minutes in duration.
Not too long too endure discomfort
.
Soooo....I took action.
Walked...rushed my teeth... Drank cold water...Hard candy

Within 2 weeks...the lessened in both time and intensity.
By 2 or so months .... they vanished.

Now...were they mental or physical?
Darn if I know. Nor do I care.

Forward we go...side by side

Rusty Zipper

welcome aboard L

glad to see you have found out about the progression of alcoholism, first hand!

and seeking help with it...

good wishes L

tkdan

Hey laura, Welcome to SR. Denial kept me in the bottle far too long. It is great that you see the lie in denial. It does not matter whether we have a "high" bottom or low bottom in my book bottom is bottom. The only place to go from there is either six feet lower or up out of that bottom towards a more rewarding and happy life. Stick around and keep us posted on how you are doing. People here do care because they have suffered as you have.

Anna

Laura,

I agree with you that the denial aspect of addiction is mind-boggling.

When I look back at myself, when I needed to stop drinking, my mind was a complete mess. I completely believed that things were not as bad as they were.

Recognizing the addict voice for what it is, is a big step in recovery. It`s a manipulative, deadly voice and the more you want to quit drinking, the louder it will speak to you. Recognize it for what it is, ignore it, and move on.

I`m glad you found us!

weekendbinger

LauraS,

That "post binge depression" is why I am here and is what keeps me going. I don't want to EVER have that feeling again....do you??? I've done some terrible things while wasted that I've gotten away with. I know that God is not going to give me another chance. If I drink again, it would ruin my life. Sounds like your husband is holding you accountable. That's great! Be thankful for his support. You are doing fabulous....keep it up!!!

LauraS

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. No, I sure don't want to feel like that again. I'm at the point where each binge brings its own level of stupidity and its own deep depression. I can't do that to myself anymore; it's insanity. I can't do it to the people I care about, either. They deserve better from me.

least

I so understand the desire to sit in the garage in the car and drink til I pass out and then... not wake up to face my awful life again. I had that horrible feeling too many times, and too many times it led me right back to the bottle. I used to drink to self medicate my anxiety and depression (both of which started long before I started drinking) but finally realized that the alcohol was making the anxiety and depression much much worse.

I still have bad depression but at least I'm not going thru every day hungover and/or in bad withdrawals. My life will never be perfect but it's not near as bad as it was when drinking.

Keep coming back! Post in our many daily support threads. AFter you graduate from Under two weeks there are others to join and keep track of your progress.

Glad you're here!:ghug3

tkdan

You hit the nail on the head with that. You and the people you love deserve better. Keep moving forward it gets easier.

Mark75

Hey Laura -

Yea, what 51anna said !! It was, unfortunately, impossible for me to quit on my own. But I am here, clean and sober, over 100 days (don't keep an exact count). Each passing day I become more aware of the denial I was in. Your post helps me with that awareness and therefore my acceptance...

Thanx
Mark

James13

Welcome, Laura. Glad you have come here.

I still struggle with denial. But addiction is never rational, the very opposite.

I could use some form of mind altering substance every day to escape reality, yet I am still working at avoiding giving myself "talks" about how it would be "different" if I picked up again.

I wish you the best in your recovery. Keep posting.

Much love.

BKP

That was you, welcome to this site i am new also and this thing is great because it is not just being told to do this and that and all other ********, it is honest feedback.



Today continues and so does my liver , no drinks.

Philly

Hi Laura,

I have done some pretty stupid things myself. I feel twice (my alcoholic mind tells me it was only twice). My son carried me from a wine festival but only once. Do you see the picture? I am sober almost 6 months and the longer I stay sober the more I see how I drank as being very embarressing. I did binge drink also but to me that was drinking all day for the weekend. I read yesterday that you should cut yourself off after 3 drinks because after that it is considered binge drinking. If I look at that I think I always was a binge drinker. I saw a picture of me with the half shut eyes yesterday :wtf2

Good luck on your journey and be thankful for your support.