RECOVERINGBLUE

i recently just got out of rehab, did a 28 day stay. When I got out, I got a sponsor, a home group and a commitment. I've been following all the suggestions. I've made it to 93 days today. Well today my nerves are shot, my marriage is worse than it was before. I have horrible anxiety, and had some bad depression spells. My wife has been still going out on weekends. I guess she thinks its alright but it makes me extremely angry and i guess even jealous. We've been constantly fighting over it. Am I wrong???? My sponsor and others i talk to say shes an alcoholic as well but i don't know. She can have a few and stop and she doesn't drink all the time. I just feel that its ruining my attempt at sobriety, I wanted to get sober to become a better father, husband, and just better myself. Now trying to get sober it seems like things are worse than they were before so why did i even stop drinking in the first place. the past 2 days I've had urges to drink which i really haven't had the past 2 months i've been out. I just feel horrible and dont know what to do. I'm trying to live in the day but each day seems to be getting worse and worse. please if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community

Prayer helps me immensley in any situation.

Please read the BB chapter
"Freedom From Bondage"
It gives specific directions on dealing with resentments.

Blessings to you and your family

ericamay

Hey blue!! I am so sorry you are going through a tough time. maybe you could try a very serious sit down talk with your wife. Let her know when she has some time you have something very serious to talk to her about. Let her see you very, very serious, yet not angry, possibly even kind and forgiving. Tell her simply that you love her very much, and know she is a good person. But unfortunately you are going through a very tough time. Let her know you truly need her 100 percent support to help make your lives the best they can be. Let her know that you understand she wants to go out, yet if she could please support you in your sobriety by sticking by your side. Let her know you would love to go out with her on the weekends, and as a family, and you can go to dinner, movies, goofy golf, the zoo, camping, etc. Give her other options that you can do together instead of her going out and drinking while your home trying to stay sane. Let her know it hurts you that she chooses to go out and drink while your struggling. Its like eating two big macs and then coming home and breathing in the face of someone who just had gastric bypass surgery. Its not fair or supportive. A marriage is for better or worse. Just try having a real heart to heart, and if that doesn't work, pray for her and your relationship. I hope things to get better, please keep us posted friend

fall

Hi Recovering,
Change is hard, and you and your wife are going through some serious changes. How ideal it would be if she could be supportive but maybe she's struggling with her own issues and can't be as available to you as would be preferred. When I stopped using, my husband kept using. I learned I couldn't ask him for support, only that he refrain from using in front of me. Beyond that I needed to let him be. And he needed to let me do what I needed to do. I think he resented me for changing, even though I knew it was for the better in the long term. When relationships don't allow for change it can be extremely stressful.

You do what you need to do for yourself. If your wife can help you, great, but she might not be able to offer what you need right now. Find your support in the places it's available, in those who are around you in your family, in your support group, in your own self. You are doing this for the reward of improving yourself, your own life, and what you have to offer to others. I know keeping that in mind helped motivate me. What motivates you? Wishing you the best Recovering.

Mark75

Hi

I really can relate to you. I was in rehab 2 months - got out Nov. 6th. I'll be 120 days clean and sober this Sunday. I am still on the emotional roller coaster. The good days are almost starting to out number the bad, thank God.

My wife has a nightly tall white wine spritzer. I will tell you absolutely I went through some difficult moments with this, and WE went through some difficult times with it too. Additionally, it has been challenging learning this new dance of my sobriety - we've been married 24 years. We love each other very much and this will get us through, I pray.

I am at peace, mostly, with her drink at night. She's not an alcoholic. My sponsor asked me - "If your best friend wanted a drink, would you expect him not to? Would you ask him not to?". My wife is my best friend, so I guess the answer is no, I wouldn't.

Some nights we sit together, I might read, log on here, watch TV. Some nights I may go to another room, or if I think I can sleep, to bed. It is not always easy, but nearly all my resentment is gone (that was a killer....), but I still have some self pity, maybe a touch of loneliness, at times.

Check out some of my other threads on this, you'll see I have made progress, maybe something will help you there. Keep posting!!

Mark

weekendbinger

Recoveringblue,

You are doing ALL the right things. I agree with "ericamay" on the sit down talk. Maybe she could read some of the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" section on this website.

Thanks for sharing. I may be going through the same situation as my journey continues. Good luck and please keep us updated on your progress!!!

ericamay

I'm sorry but a best friend and a mate are two different things, or you would choose to spend your life with yóur best friends! (No disrespect meant) and I also feel having one white wine spritzer in the evening is not quite the same as going out on the town. It may still be hard to deal with at first, but at least she is home, you know where she is, you know she's not abusing it, or getting out of hand. That is more peace of mind to me. Maybe my opinion is off base but that is how I feel. I know if my SO couldn't support me that would not be okay, and unfortunately THAT would be where the resentment comes in. After all, you teach people how to treat you, and in our cases, unfortunately we must spend a lot of time re-teaching people how to treat us. It is important you do this for you and find all types of support, and I pray for you that your wife comes around. Everyone has times in their life where it's THEIR turn to receive support, and their turn to give it. This is your turn to receive it

Mark75

In the spirit of exchanging ideas, thoughts and feelings...

Like recoveringblue, this early sobriety of mine is very hard on the relationship... In some ways harder than when I was actively using...My wife needs a break from it occasionally, if she needs a half hour at the end of the night, or, though she doesn't, if she wanted to go out for a couple of hours with a friend some night, I feel that I should find a way to get my head around it... She's had to get her head around a few things herself. And my wife is incredibly supportive.

Please take my comments in the spirit intended.

Mark

least

Recovering - welcome! I think your anxiety and similar problems may also have to do with PAWS: Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. THe problems our body and mind have after the acute withdrawal is over. Our bodies and minds are still adjusting to living without alcohol, and readjusting back to their proper chemistry, and this can make for anxiety, stress, fatigue, insomnia, etc. Put PAWS into the search thingy here and read the info. I think it's still giving me fits sometimes.

About your wife going out... it must feel like betrayal to you since you are now sober and trying to live a whole different life than you used to do, and what she's still doing. A kind, patient, honest talk with her would be a good place to start. Also, can you find an addiction counselor to go to yourself? I have one I see once a week and she helps me a lot in lots of different ways, not just in dealing with my recovery. It's helpful, at least to me, to have someone I can talk to and get feedback from.

Welcome to a great place for support and understanding. Keep coming back! We want to help you recover, one day at a time.

Philly

Hi Blue,

It seems you are doing everything you are suppose to and you are making yourself a better person and father. My husband still drinks also. I had to learn to deal with it or leave. We have been married 31 years but I only drank with him for about 8 years. He always drank and I was told if you can't beat him join him. Well I surpassed on many levels. I am sober almost 6 months and am finally starting to feel better. I have not been "allowed" to go to AA but that's another story. Just hang in there and it will get better. I do pray and I really believe he is helping me. Good luck

RECOVERINGBLUE

Thank you all for the support and the quick responses. We are actually trying to get an appointment with a marriage counselor who deals with addictions as well. Hopefully this will help. I love my wife very much and don't want to loose her. Todays a new day so I'm gonna try to make it a good one. thank you all again

Mark75

Best of luck recoveringinblue!! That's great, if she agreed to counseling, it's a good sign. I'm pullin' for you guys.

Keep coming back - let us know how it's going...

Mark