working the steps
Too far from the beach
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 387
Gee Ksplash,
I just put a new thread out there about how AA is not right for me however... if you feel that it will work for you than please disregard my post. Keep with what you feel is in your heart. My sincere apologies if my post offends.
I just put a new thread out there about how AA is not right for me however... if you feel that it will work for you than please disregard my post. Keep with what you feel is in your heart. My sincere apologies if my post offends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
I have just completed my fourth step covering the last 8 years of my life. I've looked at the hurt i've given the people in my life who are closest to me. I've looked at my behaviors, my selfishness, my anger, my lust, my lies, my stealing, my emotional pain, specific incidences, and my disregard for people and the law. I guess it could have been much worse. It is the truth of my behavior during my addiction. Nothing of importance to keep secret has been omitted on purpose. It is very thorough.
I plan to call my sponsor tomorrow and do my fifth step soon. It feels good to have it completed.
I plan to call my sponsor tomorrow and do my fifth step soon. It feels good to have it completed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
actually, I really enjoyed doing this fourth step. I needed to claim my crack addiction. I needed to claim the stories, the hurt i've done to family and friends, and I needed to look at the biggies (the secrets).
I am glad to be working the steps thoroughly and am looking forward to doing my fifth step on thursday night with my sponsor.
I am glad to be working the steps thoroughly and am looking forward to doing my fifth step on thursday night with my sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
I want to offer part of my fourth step writing on this thread. In it's entirety I wrote 13 pages of word document prose, but of course it's too personal to share with the entire world:
My bottom
My world was becoming unreal and I became overwhelmed with the feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and depression. I was living 45 minutes away from “my world”. I was losing the sense of living in a world that was real. I decided to stop using.
But my fears and insecurities continued to increase and about a month later I arrived at work and I didn't feel safe anymore. I went to the boss’s office and arranged to go on sick leave and immediately went to the hospital and they strapped me down and put me in the nut ward. After a week I was discharged and I was afraid to live with myself and asked my ex if I could move in with her and my children. She allowed me to live there.
I had lost all hope and was living dead. Many days I was alone. My kids and ex left the house each morning to live their lives. I stayed home and turned on the TV to watch CNN and waited for the world to end.
Always restless and hungry I ate candy stored in the pretzel container that could hold 3 or 4 gallons of water, stuffing myself until I was full and felt my heart struggling.
It was winter and very cold. There were wind chimes outside that brought me comfort sometimes, but I lived in darkness. I'd fall asleep and awake to sounds of the TV. I'd rise from the couch and wake up the computer and go into cyberspace. I'd open up an email and write something about hating my life and then cancel the document and get off line.
Sometimes I'd move around the house, the whole first floor, walking into each bedroom and around the perimeter of each room as much as possible around and around. I'd think about the end: about how I was running out of money and time, about how the world was getting sick of my sad pitiful life, about how my kids were tired of it, and wonder when my ex was going to ask me to leave. I would think about giving her my last 3 thousand dollars before leaving. I saw myself walking to the highway and walking on the edge. I imagined getting colder and colder and suffering. I saw myself simply freezing on the side of the road.
I'd come back to my small reality and the imagination of my death ended. I was in the comfort of my old home and it was warm and there was TV and a computer and food and candy and ice cream and cats and I had blankets and pillows. I lived like this for 3 months.
I sensed that my son could see and feel my pain more than anyone. He tried to help me. He let me sleep in his bed twice. I was so grateful. I helped him learn how to do laundry and he helped me wash my own clothes. I had 2 pair of underwear, 3 pair of socks, and one shirt that my other son had given me, and a pair of pants and pajama bottoms, a coat, a pair of tennis shoes and a pair of slippers and my cell phone and a stack of bills. I kept all of my stuff on the floor behind the dark blue leather recliner: my closet.
I would sometimes watch TV with my daughter. I came to like watching her favorite video at the time. I would love watching the wonderful lessons that I hadn't learned and was glad that she would learn these lessons and live a wonderful life even though I was going to die soon.
My psychiatrist sent me to the day hospital program during this time, but I quit. I thought “What was the point…I was going to die anyway.” I became scared that I would get fired from my job. Then I was sure that I was already fired. Then I cared less. Then I thought more about my death. And I continued to not pay my bills because I was going to die.
One day I was in the garage. I was remembering smoking crack, night after night, in that garage. I opened up the refrigerator and saw some beer. I wanted to drink it. I paced and paced and thought about my 3000 dollars. I could get drunk and then leave and spend all the rest of my money on crack and then drive until I had no gas and then walk until I died. That would be more enjoyable than giving away my last 3000 dollars and then walking in the cold until I died.
No. No. No. I went back into the house. I walked around and around each room and the whole ground floor. I walked down the steps and walked through the basement. I remembered smoking crack in the basement. In the basement closets, the furnace room, every room and every closet in the basement. I went back upstairs and covered myself with blankets and positioned my upper body in comfort with several pillows and stared at the TV again until I slept. I woke to the arrival of my boys coming home from school.
"What did you do today dad?"
I would try my best to fake that I was a dad. To give them a memory that I was somebody before I died. To give them a happy memory. I knew they would be sad later too, but they would be happy that they had a moment with me, in the end, as I tried to do my best.
Finally one morning I felt a spark of hope. I had an appointment with the doctor that day and told him about my spark of hope. We decided that I would try to go back to work. Within a week I was back. I could drive the fork truck again. I could perform job tasks. I could be part of the group and join in conversations. Within a week I felt good about my life. I gained a respect for others that I had never before experienced in my life. And I felt gratitude for those who were not attached to my failings and who had always treated me with kindness and respect. I went to meetings. I got a new apartment. I was coming back and feeling alive again.
When I had tiny thoughts of using I remembered the hell of depression and rejected those ideas. But those thoughts increased, and until I went out and used again, contaminating the new aura of my apartment. I kept things “under control”, but I couldn’t stop. I used and returned to the program hundreds of times for 5 years, living a "controlled" crack addictive life.
Defects of Character
Fear is the root problem and cause of my shortcomings. My fear reached its highest during my “bottom”. The defects of character that became worst in my addiction are:
Selfishness This was at the core of my addiction. All I cared about was me, and getting and being high. At my worst, I went days without thinking about my children and weeks without seeing them.
Lying I lied everyday to cover up my secret life. My addiction caused me to be late, to not answer my phone, to miss work, and to miss events with my kids. I gave stories and reasons for my behavior, but I lied as a way of life.
Stealing I stole from my ex and my children, Kmart, my employer, and unlucky strangers who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. In my addiction, stealing became acceptable and necessary when the money ran out.
Anger I was angry about having no money when it ran out, and I was angry at people who were obstacles in my life. One time I threatened a guy and his family's lives; it was a terrible and frightening moment.
Greed, gluttony Obviously this comes into play due to wanting more and more and living in my wasted mind and wasted life, all to be able to smoke (more) crack.
Lust Already a natural part of my psyche, as a crack smoker this went rampant. I simply didn’t care and wanted sex often, but also wasn’t able to do anything when I was high because I was worried that the police and company were going to storm through the doors and windows and catch me with my pants down.
Self Pity I felt sorry for myself and my sorry life and thoughts about this consumed me. Self pity was a big part of my adult life as a “depressed person” so it was a comfort zone.
Pride I was proud of myself for being able to beat the system, and for hiding my double life. I thought I was able to do this because I was smart.
Perfection This one doesn’t seem to apply so much to my using, but I’m listing it anyways because it is such a huge theme of my entire life. Always trying to be perfect and expecting others to be perfect. It’s tiring.
Entitlement I felt I was entitled to smoke my crack since I had the money and since I “needed” it.
Self preservation These defects kicked into overdrive in order to protect and preserve my addiction, or as a result of my addiction.
Procrastination Many, many days I would put off quitting, until tomorrow. I put off my laundry and bill paying and car maintenance, and all of the things in adult life that one has to do in order to live in and enjoy the comforts of modern day living.
The End of my fourth step
I guess it could have been much worse. This is the truth of my behavior during my addiction. I have omitted nothing of importance on purpose and I have uncovered every relevant area of my life during my crack addiction. There are more stories for sure, but they would not necessarily add any important details. I see my past a little better already; I see it more as being in the past and I’m glad that I did this inventory. I believe in the fourth step more than the other steps as well as in the 10th step, because there are no issues or things I can disagree with in the actual wording of these steps. I already feel more confident about things; and I know more clearly what I need to let go of. This is important because sometimes, as my mind starts thinking about things, I’ve had the pattern of glamorizing different parts of my addiction: i.e. the early times, the getting high at work during break times, the excitement of the whores, the excitement of getting away with it all, and especially the excitement of buying the crack and being a “hood guy”. The memory of each place I lived at during my addiction has also been something that I have looked back upon with wishful thinking to get back to those good old days of my addiction.
But today I am changing. I have written this step and am sharing it with my sponsor because I believe in the process. A part of me is afraid to share it all, but despite my resistance I am going to do just that. I believe in the process, this inventory part of the process 100%.
From this 4th and 5th step I know that I will be better able to put the past to rest, just as I have done with the struggles in my childhood. I won’t forget this past and I won’t try to forget it as I move forward (it's not possible), rather I know that these past shameful and ugly years will simply fall away from the present moment as I become more whole and more loving and as I continue to experience the truth of life as really being only within the present moment. And in fact I’m already seeing this past world simply falling further and further away from my ongoing present moment.
My bottom
My world was becoming unreal and I became overwhelmed with the feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and depression. I was living 45 minutes away from “my world”. I was losing the sense of living in a world that was real. I decided to stop using.
But my fears and insecurities continued to increase and about a month later I arrived at work and I didn't feel safe anymore. I went to the boss’s office and arranged to go on sick leave and immediately went to the hospital and they strapped me down and put me in the nut ward. After a week I was discharged and I was afraid to live with myself and asked my ex if I could move in with her and my children. She allowed me to live there.
I had lost all hope and was living dead. Many days I was alone. My kids and ex left the house each morning to live their lives. I stayed home and turned on the TV to watch CNN and waited for the world to end.
Always restless and hungry I ate candy stored in the pretzel container that could hold 3 or 4 gallons of water, stuffing myself until I was full and felt my heart struggling.
It was winter and very cold. There were wind chimes outside that brought me comfort sometimes, but I lived in darkness. I'd fall asleep and awake to sounds of the TV. I'd rise from the couch and wake up the computer and go into cyberspace. I'd open up an email and write something about hating my life and then cancel the document and get off line.
Sometimes I'd move around the house, the whole first floor, walking into each bedroom and around the perimeter of each room as much as possible around and around. I'd think about the end: about how I was running out of money and time, about how the world was getting sick of my sad pitiful life, about how my kids were tired of it, and wonder when my ex was going to ask me to leave. I would think about giving her my last 3 thousand dollars before leaving. I saw myself walking to the highway and walking on the edge. I imagined getting colder and colder and suffering. I saw myself simply freezing on the side of the road.
I'd come back to my small reality and the imagination of my death ended. I was in the comfort of my old home and it was warm and there was TV and a computer and food and candy and ice cream and cats and I had blankets and pillows. I lived like this for 3 months.
I sensed that my son could see and feel my pain more than anyone. He tried to help me. He let me sleep in his bed twice. I was so grateful. I helped him learn how to do laundry and he helped me wash my own clothes. I had 2 pair of underwear, 3 pair of socks, and one shirt that my other son had given me, and a pair of pants and pajama bottoms, a coat, a pair of tennis shoes and a pair of slippers and my cell phone and a stack of bills. I kept all of my stuff on the floor behind the dark blue leather recliner: my closet.
I would sometimes watch TV with my daughter. I came to like watching her favorite video at the time. I would love watching the wonderful lessons that I hadn't learned and was glad that she would learn these lessons and live a wonderful life even though I was going to die soon.
My psychiatrist sent me to the day hospital program during this time, but I quit. I thought “What was the point…I was going to die anyway.” I became scared that I would get fired from my job. Then I was sure that I was already fired. Then I cared less. Then I thought more about my death. And I continued to not pay my bills because I was going to die.
One day I was in the garage. I was remembering smoking crack, night after night, in that garage. I opened up the refrigerator and saw some beer. I wanted to drink it. I paced and paced and thought about my 3000 dollars. I could get drunk and then leave and spend all the rest of my money on crack and then drive until I had no gas and then walk until I died. That would be more enjoyable than giving away my last 3000 dollars and then walking in the cold until I died.
No. No. No. I went back into the house. I walked around and around each room and the whole ground floor. I walked down the steps and walked through the basement. I remembered smoking crack in the basement. In the basement closets, the furnace room, every room and every closet in the basement. I went back upstairs and covered myself with blankets and positioned my upper body in comfort with several pillows and stared at the TV again until I slept. I woke to the arrival of my boys coming home from school.
"What did you do today dad?"
I would try my best to fake that I was a dad. To give them a memory that I was somebody before I died. To give them a happy memory. I knew they would be sad later too, but they would be happy that they had a moment with me, in the end, as I tried to do my best.
Finally one morning I felt a spark of hope. I had an appointment with the doctor that day and told him about my spark of hope. We decided that I would try to go back to work. Within a week I was back. I could drive the fork truck again. I could perform job tasks. I could be part of the group and join in conversations. Within a week I felt good about my life. I gained a respect for others that I had never before experienced in my life. And I felt gratitude for those who were not attached to my failings and who had always treated me with kindness and respect. I went to meetings. I got a new apartment. I was coming back and feeling alive again.
When I had tiny thoughts of using I remembered the hell of depression and rejected those ideas. But those thoughts increased, and until I went out and used again, contaminating the new aura of my apartment. I kept things “under control”, but I couldn’t stop. I used and returned to the program hundreds of times for 5 years, living a "controlled" crack addictive life.
Defects of Character
Fear is the root problem and cause of my shortcomings. My fear reached its highest during my “bottom”. The defects of character that became worst in my addiction are:
Selfishness This was at the core of my addiction. All I cared about was me, and getting and being high. At my worst, I went days without thinking about my children and weeks without seeing them.
Lying I lied everyday to cover up my secret life. My addiction caused me to be late, to not answer my phone, to miss work, and to miss events with my kids. I gave stories and reasons for my behavior, but I lied as a way of life.
Stealing I stole from my ex and my children, Kmart, my employer, and unlucky strangers who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. In my addiction, stealing became acceptable and necessary when the money ran out.
Anger I was angry about having no money when it ran out, and I was angry at people who were obstacles in my life. One time I threatened a guy and his family's lives; it was a terrible and frightening moment.
Greed, gluttony Obviously this comes into play due to wanting more and more and living in my wasted mind and wasted life, all to be able to smoke (more) crack.
Lust Already a natural part of my psyche, as a crack smoker this went rampant. I simply didn’t care and wanted sex often, but also wasn’t able to do anything when I was high because I was worried that the police and company were going to storm through the doors and windows and catch me with my pants down.
Self Pity I felt sorry for myself and my sorry life and thoughts about this consumed me. Self pity was a big part of my adult life as a “depressed person” so it was a comfort zone.
Pride I was proud of myself for being able to beat the system, and for hiding my double life. I thought I was able to do this because I was smart.
Perfection This one doesn’t seem to apply so much to my using, but I’m listing it anyways because it is such a huge theme of my entire life. Always trying to be perfect and expecting others to be perfect. It’s tiring.
Entitlement I felt I was entitled to smoke my crack since I had the money and since I “needed” it.
Self preservation These defects kicked into overdrive in order to protect and preserve my addiction, or as a result of my addiction.
Procrastination Many, many days I would put off quitting, until tomorrow. I put off my laundry and bill paying and car maintenance, and all of the things in adult life that one has to do in order to live in and enjoy the comforts of modern day living.
The End of my fourth step
I guess it could have been much worse. This is the truth of my behavior during my addiction. I have omitted nothing of importance on purpose and I have uncovered every relevant area of my life during my crack addiction. There are more stories for sure, but they would not necessarily add any important details. I see my past a little better already; I see it more as being in the past and I’m glad that I did this inventory. I believe in the fourth step more than the other steps as well as in the 10th step, because there are no issues or things I can disagree with in the actual wording of these steps. I already feel more confident about things; and I know more clearly what I need to let go of. This is important because sometimes, as my mind starts thinking about things, I’ve had the pattern of glamorizing different parts of my addiction: i.e. the early times, the getting high at work during break times, the excitement of the whores, the excitement of getting away with it all, and especially the excitement of buying the crack and being a “hood guy”. The memory of each place I lived at during my addiction has also been something that I have looked back upon with wishful thinking to get back to those good old days of my addiction.
But today I am changing. I have written this step and am sharing it with my sponsor because I believe in the process. A part of me is afraid to share it all, but despite my resistance I am going to do just that. I believe in the process, this inventory part of the process 100%.
From this 4th and 5th step I know that I will be better able to put the past to rest, just as I have done with the struggles in my childhood. I won’t forget this past and I won’t try to forget it as I move forward (it's not possible), rather I know that these past shameful and ugly years will simply fall away from the present moment as I become more whole and more loving and as I continue to experience the truth of life as really being only within the present moment. And in fact I’m already seeing this past world simply falling further and further away from my ongoing present moment.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: montreal
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by ksplash5 
My intent tonight was to com on-line and start this thread AND to do my second step. SO...I just did my second step, in writing:
1-8-09
My step two: Came to believe that I can change with the help of powers outside of me, like other people in recovery and in groups and in writing, and live without drugs or alcohol and become healthy and whole.
I changed the words of this step so that I can feel that I’ve done this step completely. The reference to a “higher power” makes me think of GOD, and thinking of god brings me to the Christian god or the religious god. But I have evolved to a truth in which I don’t want to DEFINE my higher power today. I can say that my higher power is in fact the meetings—the power of groups. I believe in this power and that I can access it if I am honest and if I listen to others with an open mind. Listening is perhaps most important in the sense that I do that for the biggest part of a meeting. Talking is very important too. It’s important that I talk from the heart and that I don’t try to impress others or always get bogged down in my beliefs (philosophy) or in giving advice so that I can open up to the group, making myself vulnerable, and become open minded to those who open up to me in conversation outside of the meetings.
The main thrust of the second step for me is simply the first three words: Coming to believe. I am coming to believe in myself, and in the meetings (AA/NA/meditation meetings and any other meetings that I may find in the future). I am coming to believe in the power of the groups. I am coming to believe that writing down my thoughts about the steps and that working the steps in my writing can help me in this journey of change. I am coming to believe in my own spiritual sense and at the same time I am respecting and appreciating others’ spirituality, and so I am becoming less flustered when someone has a different belief from me, and not letting others’ enthusiasm in their growing spirituality shame my own because it is different.
I am coming believe that I can live without drugs or alcohol or pills and such. I am sensing more and more that I can really change and live without drugs. Like I can really do this, I can really get clean. I did it before for 8 years, but in my 8 years of addiction since then I am realizing that I have spent most of my time not really feeling or believing that I could do it again; kind’ve thinking that “yes I did it before, but that was before crack and this crack has me beat”. Well crack does not have to be a part of my life ever again and I am beginning to believe in that.
I am beginning to believe that I can become sane. But what does that mean? I don’t really want to be the “normal” person-idea that I think of at first. I guess that sanity means “being myself, my authentic self, my original self. I believe that the wonder-child-self that I was when I was 6 years old is the “sanity” that this step is referring to for me. But the thrust of this step is not about sanity or insanity so much, for me, but rather it is about coming to believe that I can change.
And I am coming to believe that I can change…Everything about. And become my own original wonder-self. I don’t have to be perfect at this and simply experiencing “progress” is in fact wonderful. “progress” is a successful day, even if it is only one minute of the day that I felt I was making progress.
1-8-09
My step two: Came to believe that I can change with the help of powers outside of me, like other people in recovery and in groups and in writing, and live without drugs or alcohol and become healthy and whole.
I changed the words of this step so that I can feel that I’ve done this step completely. The reference to a “higher power” makes me think of GOD, and thinking of god brings me to the Christian god or the religious god. But I have evolved to a truth in which I don’t want to DEFINE my higher power today. I can say that my higher power is in fact the meetings—the power of groups. I believe in this power and that I can access it if I am honest and if I listen to others with an open mind. Listening is perhaps most important in the sense that I do that for the biggest part of a meeting. Talking is very important too. It’s important that I talk from the heart and that I don’t try to impress others or always get bogged down in my beliefs (philosophy) or in giving advice so that I can open up to the group, making myself vulnerable, and become open minded to those who open up to me in conversation outside of the meetings.
The main thrust of the second step for me is simply the first three words: Coming to believe. I am coming to believe in myself, and in the meetings (AA/NA/meditation meetings and any other meetings that I may find in the future). I am coming to believe in the power of the groups. I am coming to believe that writing down my thoughts about the steps and that working the steps in my writing can help me in this journey of change. I am coming to believe in my own spiritual sense and at the same time I am respecting and appreciating others’ spirituality, and so I am becoming less flustered when someone has a different belief from me, and not letting others’ enthusiasm in their growing spirituality shame my own because it is different.
I am coming believe that I can live without drugs or alcohol or pills and such. I am sensing more and more that I can really change and live without drugs. Like I can really do this, I can really get clean. I did it before for 8 years, but in my 8 years of addiction since then I am realizing that I have spent most of my time not really feeling or believing that I could do it again; kind’ve thinking that “yes I did it before, but that was before crack and this crack has me beat”. Well crack does not have to be a part of my life ever again and I am beginning to believe in that.
I am beginning to believe that I can become sane. But what does that mean? I don’t really want to be the “normal” person-idea that I think of at first. I guess that sanity means “being myself, my authentic self, my original self. I believe that the wonder-child-self that I was when I was 6 years old is the “sanity” that this step is referring to for me. But the thrust of this step is not about sanity or insanity so much, for me, but rather it is about coming to believe that I can change.
And I am coming to believe that I can change…Everything about. And become my own original wonder-self. I don’t have to be perfect at this and simply experiencing “progress” is in fact wonderful. “progress” is a successful day, even if it is only one minute of the day that I felt I was making progress.
I would like to print them to give to one of my sponsee who wants to start working the steps
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
waiting for my sponsor!
I'm supposed to meet with my sponsor momentarily to do my fifth step. I was a little scattered a little while ago and had the sense to do sitting meditation for 15 minutes and that helped me a lot. I'm in a good space and am prepared.
Resident
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 4,150
Good luck with your sponsor K. You are working so hard on this and I enjoy following your progress. All I have been doing is posting and reading but if I do the step thing I will definitely use this as a guide. Thanks for all the work you put in.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: North Richlands Hills
Posts: 3
Resentment list, fears list and a thorough examinations of sexual motives. Which can be kept private. I have never made a confession in my step work. Accept in accordance with step ten. Promptly admitting when I was wrong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
hi all,
my sponsor just left. I'm so glad we met...another fifth step in the books...this is one i have put off for years, thinking that i had done all the fourth and fifth steps i needed to do years ago. But what i needed was to get back to basics. I needed to reach like never before; I need to go through these steps with everything i got to put into them.
and i've now done that up to this point.
I didn't share everything with him, as i've only known him as my sponsor for a few weeks now. I will be meeting with my therapist next week to share with her all the remaing dirty stuff of my fourth step. I've known her for a couple of years now and feel comfortable with the idea of revealing the these most secret parts.
I'm learning to trust myself more as i learn what I am comfortable with sharing with each individual "other" that I choose to share with.
my sponsor just left. I'm so glad we met...another fifth step in the books...this is one i have put off for years, thinking that i had done all the fourth and fifth steps i needed to do years ago. But what i needed was to get back to basics. I needed to reach like never before; I need to go through these steps with everything i got to put into them.
and i've now done that up to this point.
I didn't share everything with him, as i've only known him as my sponsor for a few weeks now. I will be meeting with my therapist next week to share with her all the remaing dirty stuff of my fourth step. I've known her for a couple of years now and feel comfortable with the idea of revealing the these most secret parts.
I'm learning to trust myself more as i learn what I am comfortable with sharing with each individual "other" that I choose to share with.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, N.Y.
Posts: 4,639
Hi ksplash5 just wanted to let you know I've been reading your thread. Your doing a great job.
I also have done a lot of writing with each step. It helps a lot to see where i was and not to forget so i can stay sober.
I just recently finish step 4. I did the 4th step like it is shown in the big book. Now I'm waiting to see when my sponser wants to get together to go over it. We already met once at the start of my 4th step with the 2 hardest people on my list.
Keep up the good work.
I also have done a lot of writing with each step. It helps a lot to see where i was and not to forget so i can stay sober.
I just recently finish step 4. I did the 4th step like it is shown in the big book. Now I'm waiting to see when my sponser wants to get together to go over it. We already met once at the start of my 4th step with the 2 hardest people on my list.
Keep up the good work.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
well I told myself that i was going to do some 5th step work/writing this morning. I've done a little bit so far, and want to do more.
I want to prepare myself for the upcoming fifth step meeting with my therapist. I did it with my sponsor last week or so, but I want to go even deeper and expose everything with my therapist. My next appointment with her is next week.
so I want to prepare myself for this process with her. I want to review my fourth step. I want to consider the fifth step work i've already done so far. I want to furthur understand the "exact nature" of my wrongs and go through this stuff as deeply as I can with myself and with my higher power concept. I will do this with some more writing and will post that work when it's complete.
I want to prepare myself for the upcoming fifth step meeting with my therapist. I did it with my sponsor last week or so, but I want to go even deeper and expose everything with my therapist. My next appointment with her is next week.
so I want to prepare myself for this process with her. I want to review my fourth step. I want to consider the fifth step work i've already done so far. I want to furthur understand the "exact nature" of my wrongs and go through this stuff as deeply as I can with myself and with my higher power concept. I will do this with some more writing and will post that work when it's complete.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
My fifth step
I’ve gone deeply into looking at my stinky behavior over the last 8 years of my life within the addiction to crack. I’ve gotten a sense of the hurt I’ve brought upon myself, my EX, my children, my mother, and my girlfriend.
My selfishness was deep. Being consumed with getting more, I became more selfish than at any other time in my life probably. Crack was my focus; every waking moment, even the straight ones, were centered upon using or getting my next hit. Consequently, I was not there for my family and friends or myself. I was verbally abusive to my ex-wife the most. I let each of them down by not being at events I was supposed to. I lied to each of them to cover up my secret life…especially my ex-wife and my children.
Remembering the stories of the last 8 years can now help me to open up even more to the shame and guilt and fear and anger within me. I have to re-feel, or perhaps even “feel” for the first time, these feelings that live inside me. My first sense of the terror that I brought upon my ex-wife, and of feeling the guilt and shame, occurred at a meeting a couple of months ago. It was that moment which opened my mind to think that it was time to do a fourth and fifth step again.
So what does it mean to get to “the exact nature of our defects of character”? In the example above there is storyline. For example the night I called my ex-wife a ******* **** in front of her friends. That was an event. But what was wrong about it? What is the Truth that lies beneath my harsh words? In this case there were a number of things:
1. She had caught me in the act of lusting for another woman. I was in denial of this and then I turned it around on her.
2. I had disappeared for hours, selfishly looking for fun and getting drunk.
3. Having my own low self image, I projected a negative judgment of her in order to make myself look better.
The nature of my wrong in this case was about deflecting my own selfishness and lust and in fact turning it around and putting it on her. It was clearly all about me and a part of me even knew it at the time.
So why did I do things like this? Why was I using? What was really behind my addiction? What was behind my turning to crack after 8 years of sobriety? Part of it has to do with my lifetime tendency towards depression and obsession with self. Related to this is my low self-esteem and unresolved childhood issues. It has now been five years since my last depression which is the longest depression-free period of my adult life. Today, I have to continue to take any action necessary when I’m feeling good or if I begin to fall back into it.
Another reason for my using is that my adolescent-child-self was running the show. This is a part of me that is angry, rebellious, and venomous. During those years I went to alcohol and drugs to deal with the hurt and fear that lived in my mind. I also used because I thought it was the thing to do, or that it was cool.
Much of my pain and fear came from sexual abuse, and also from my “Martian” parents (when I was young I thought maybe my parents were Martians because we seemed different than everyone else). I lived within a secret mind that was filled with endless thoughts of worry and confusion. Drugs and alcohol helped stifle the noise that blared between my ears.
In adulthood my addiction developed, and became ingrained in the habit of going to things outside of me to make me feel comfortable or to take away fear and pain. I went outside of me to define who I was. I was my job, my clothing style, my music preference, my girlfriend’s, my television shows, my cars, my house, etc. I was a mirage of labels that I chose to create my personality.
I completed my fifth step with my sponsor and in less than a week I’ll go into some deeper detail with my therapist, with whom I can and will open up the darkest secret parts of myself over the last 8 years. I know I’ll be a little uneasy, and I also know that she is the right person for me to do this with.
I could write more on this, but will stop for now.
I’ve gone deeply into looking at my stinky behavior over the last 8 years of my life within the addiction to crack. I’ve gotten a sense of the hurt I’ve brought upon myself, my EX, my children, my mother, and my girlfriend.
My selfishness was deep. Being consumed with getting more, I became more selfish than at any other time in my life probably. Crack was my focus; every waking moment, even the straight ones, were centered upon using or getting my next hit. Consequently, I was not there for my family and friends or myself. I was verbally abusive to my ex-wife the most. I let each of them down by not being at events I was supposed to. I lied to each of them to cover up my secret life…especially my ex-wife and my children.
Remembering the stories of the last 8 years can now help me to open up even more to the shame and guilt and fear and anger within me. I have to re-feel, or perhaps even “feel” for the first time, these feelings that live inside me. My first sense of the terror that I brought upon my ex-wife, and of feeling the guilt and shame, occurred at a meeting a couple of months ago. It was that moment which opened my mind to think that it was time to do a fourth and fifth step again.
So what does it mean to get to “the exact nature of our defects of character”? In the example above there is storyline. For example the night I called my ex-wife a ******* **** in front of her friends. That was an event. But what was wrong about it? What is the Truth that lies beneath my harsh words? In this case there were a number of things:
1. She had caught me in the act of lusting for another woman. I was in denial of this and then I turned it around on her.
2. I had disappeared for hours, selfishly looking for fun and getting drunk.
3. Having my own low self image, I projected a negative judgment of her in order to make myself look better.
The nature of my wrong in this case was about deflecting my own selfishness and lust and in fact turning it around and putting it on her. It was clearly all about me and a part of me even knew it at the time.
So why did I do things like this? Why was I using? What was really behind my addiction? What was behind my turning to crack after 8 years of sobriety? Part of it has to do with my lifetime tendency towards depression and obsession with self. Related to this is my low self-esteem and unresolved childhood issues. It has now been five years since my last depression which is the longest depression-free period of my adult life. Today, I have to continue to take any action necessary when I’m feeling good or if I begin to fall back into it.
Another reason for my using is that my adolescent-child-self was running the show. This is a part of me that is angry, rebellious, and venomous. During those years I went to alcohol and drugs to deal with the hurt and fear that lived in my mind. I also used because I thought it was the thing to do, or that it was cool.
Much of my pain and fear came from sexual abuse, and also from my “Martian” parents (when I was young I thought maybe my parents were Martians because we seemed different than everyone else). I lived within a secret mind that was filled with endless thoughts of worry and confusion. Drugs and alcohol helped stifle the noise that blared between my ears.
In adulthood my addiction developed, and became ingrained in the habit of going to things outside of me to make me feel comfortable or to take away fear and pain. I went outside of me to define who I was. I was my job, my clothing style, my music preference, my girlfriend’s, my television shows, my cars, my house, etc. I was a mirage of labels that I chose to create my personality.
I completed my fifth step with my sponsor and in less than a week I’ll go into some deeper detail with my therapist, with whom I can and will open up the darkest secret parts of myself over the last 8 years. I know I’ll be a little uneasy, and I also know that she is the right person for me to do this with.
I could write more on this, but will stop for now.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
My fifth step (continued)
My biggest resentment is towards my mother. This has been there my whole adolescent and adult life. I have little common ground with her and I get worked up and annoyed when I’m with her or on the phone. I have a big amend to make with her, as she also has much anger towards me for not showing up at the Christmas party.
I’ve also had a big resentment towards my first sponsor. He stole 300 dollars from me when we were smoking crack. I’ve been mad about that for years. He paid me back 20 bucks out of guilt. This resentment has lessened, in fact I think during the last few months of my recovery I have gained more compassion and understanding of his actions and those of any addict. I never came to the point of thinking about stealing money from my friends, not even from people that I smoked crack with, but I have stolen and I do understand what made him steal from me. He wanted more crack and I had money and he simply took the money so that he could smoke more crack because he had so have more. He didn’t think about “after”…just as I didn’t think about “after” each time I used.
When I was going through my fourth step I thought about John (changed the name). I hadn’t thought about him in a while. Or maybe I saw his name when I was reading out of an old journal of mine…that’s it. It was then that I remembered how much I hated him at that time. This has subsided a lot, in fact I had to think a minute to even remember his name. He was very mean to me at work and played little mind games with me.
As a rule I resent the police. It’s something I have to continue to work on. And it’s not because of being arrested in my own life, but because of the abuse that takes place when people become police officers and abuse their power by being bullies.
I have resentments when it comes to Government, Health/Mental Health System, Religion, and Society (“entitlement mentality”).
I met with my therapist to discuss the story and nature of my sexual behavior. This particular part of my inventory went back to when I was 8 years old. I was full of fear about an hour before my appointment. I ate a meal, meditated and made the short trip to her office. I talked about my fear of sharing. She I could wait until another time when I was ready. Although I was fearful I knew I had to go forward, and I slowly began. The first time I came across the word “****”, I tried to change it to “making love” (even though that wasn’t true at all). She stopped me and said the word aloud. So I stopped trying to cover up the dirtiness that was required to describe the story part. I simply read through this entire part, going through the resistance, as I became determined to do this and trust in the process of recovery and to trust in her.
She told me that she would not feel sorry for me and that she would not judge me. In our conversation afterwards, I was comforted to feel that she had easily honored me and took her position of receiving my fifth step very seriously. She’s heard plenty of stuff in her career as a therapist and I became surer of my decision to do this step completely. I had a good feeling within me.
This was about the sixth time I have done a thorough fifth step. In some ways it was the most thorough, although it only covered the last 8 years of my addiction to crack. I revealed the story necessary to expose the nature of all my glaring defects of character. With her I revealed the hidden secrets which were also the memories that manifested as shame and guilt and endless self-persecution.
Though I have never experienced the wild relief that some have experienced after completing their fifth step, this fifth step was the most powerful one I have done. It was good to have two different people involved in my fifth step—to have taken it with my sponsor (who I’ve come to know during the last month), and to have saved the worst parts of it for the therapist I have come to know and trust over the last two years. I carefully chose both of these people, and with more thought than in my previous 5th steps. This was key. I am ready to move on and to start thinking about becoming entirely ready and willing to let go of the character defects that this 4th and 5th step have brought to my awareness.
My biggest resentment is towards my mother. This has been there my whole adolescent and adult life. I have little common ground with her and I get worked up and annoyed when I’m with her or on the phone. I have a big amend to make with her, as she also has much anger towards me for not showing up at the Christmas party.
I’ve also had a big resentment towards my first sponsor. He stole 300 dollars from me when we were smoking crack. I’ve been mad about that for years. He paid me back 20 bucks out of guilt. This resentment has lessened, in fact I think during the last few months of my recovery I have gained more compassion and understanding of his actions and those of any addict. I never came to the point of thinking about stealing money from my friends, not even from people that I smoked crack with, but I have stolen and I do understand what made him steal from me. He wanted more crack and I had money and he simply took the money so that he could smoke more crack because he had so have more. He didn’t think about “after”…just as I didn’t think about “after” each time I used.
When I was going through my fourth step I thought about John (changed the name). I hadn’t thought about him in a while. Or maybe I saw his name when I was reading out of an old journal of mine…that’s it. It was then that I remembered how much I hated him at that time. This has subsided a lot, in fact I had to think a minute to even remember his name. He was very mean to me at work and played little mind games with me.
As a rule I resent the police. It’s something I have to continue to work on. And it’s not because of being arrested in my own life, but because of the abuse that takes place when people become police officers and abuse their power by being bullies.
I have resentments when it comes to Government, Health/Mental Health System, Religion, and Society (“entitlement mentality”).
I met with my therapist to discuss the story and nature of my sexual behavior. This particular part of my inventory went back to when I was 8 years old. I was full of fear about an hour before my appointment. I ate a meal, meditated and made the short trip to her office. I talked about my fear of sharing. She I could wait until another time when I was ready. Although I was fearful I knew I had to go forward, and I slowly began. The first time I came across the word “****”, I tried to change it to “making love” (even though that wasn’t true at all). She stopped me and said the word aloud. So I stopped trying to cover up the dirtiness that was required to describe the story part. I simply read through this entire part, going through the resistance, as I became determined to do this and trust in the process of recovery and to trust in her.
She told me that she would not feel sorry for me and that she would not judge me. In our conversation afterwards, I was comforted to feel that she had easily honored me and took her position of receiving my fifth step very seriously. She’s heard plenty of stuff in her career as a therapist and I became surer of my decision to do this step completely. I had a good feeling within me.
This was about the sixth time I have done a thorough fifth step. In some ways it was the most thorough, although it only covered the last 8 years of my addiction to crack. I revealed the story necessary to expose the nature of all my glaring defects of character. With her I revealed the hidden secrets which were also the memories that manifested as shame and guilt and endless self-persecution.
Though I have never experienced the wild relief that some have experienced after completing their fifth step, this fifth step was the most powerful one I have done. It was good to have two different people involved in my fifth step—to have taken it with my sponsor (who I’ve come to know during the last month), and to have saved the worst parts of it for the therapist I have come to know and trust over the last two years. I carefully chose both of these people, and with more thought than in my previous 5th steps. This was key. I am ready to move on and to start thinking about becoming entirely ready and willing to let go of the character defects that this 4th and 5th step have brought to my awareness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
OK....good morning universe....i have made a start on the written part of my 6th step. I am becoming more and more ready, to be entirely to let go of my defects of character.
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.
To begin the 6th step I need to expand upon the nature of the wrongs that were exposed in the 4th and 5th steps. I can continue my work by defining my defects of character and writing how they pertain to me today. Once I have them laid out better in my thoughts, through writing and interactions with others, then I’ll more fully understand what I am getting ready to change.
I need to remember that Step 6 is NOT a onetime thing…I don’t do this once and move to step 7 and have all my dreams come true. Rather, this readiness is something that I am building upon each day, as I continually take distinct action towards changing my life in the present moment. In other words, I can’t hope to do this step perfect and then expect my higher power to pluck my defects of character out of me. This step is similar to the process of a child learning to “not run in the house”. When my son was 5 years old, a time comes when he was excited and happy and ran around the house recklessly. Often me or his mother would tell him “NO running in the house (or you’ll get hurt). But he would soon be running again. Soon, he stubbed his toe on a table leg and cried with pain. And after a few times he began to learn that you can get hurt when you run around the house, and he began to be more careful. But he still got hurt again and again. 10 years later I noticed that he didn’t run in the house anymore. It is like the Law of the cosmos is available to teach me, through pain, to stop stubbing my toe. And as a good parent will eventually learn to stop trying to pluck the defects out of their child, so does my higher power honor me to learn by the choices that I make. It is up to me to become willing and ready and able to see that what I am doing is hurting me, and to practice changing my thinking and my behavior.
I have the desire to change now, but I can look deeper by writing more and by going over these things with my sponsor and other people in my recovery.
1. On the top of my list is selfishness, and self-centeredness. These defects definitely include pride and self pity. My whole past life has been lived from the perspective of myself as the center of my experience, and has been about preserving or observing or showing my SELF.
Where I’ve been hurt by others (overtly or in my own mind), my behavior was centered about preserving myself. I closed off the world and put up barriers of anger, pride, self righteousness, and rebellion. In addition I have lived in years of self pity…thinking if only I hadn’t been hurt then I could have been successful. As I have grown I have spend years observing myself to the extent of self-obsession; testing my knowledge by applying it to these observations of myself. If I was “right” then I became filled with pride and “better than”. If I was wrong then I became filled with self pity and regret. And finally I wanted to be loved and to matter to others so I showed myself to the world, behaving in ways to be at the center of attention. This often caused harm to others and embarrassment to myself.
My life was about my job, my car, my intelligence, my looks, etc. Nearly every thought I had was centered on me. I didn’t think of the other person. I was not the kind of person who would give you the shirt off his back. I worried what other people were thinking about me all the time. I worried about my looks. I was always concerned about ME being happy, or having a fun time, or working. Having sex was all about me getting off.
The question that faces me now: Am I entirely ready to let this selfishness go? Well I certainly want to be. I know that becoming unselfish is a good thing. I believe in the concept that “we are all connected”. This world is not all about me, there are 6.5 billion other ME’s on this planet right now. There are bugs and animals and birds and plants and dirt and water too. There is so much more than just me. Yes I know what I am supposed to do and I absolutely want to be less self-centered.
The problem is that I am accustomed to looking at things through the lens of my own experience. I am ingrained in the habit of thinking and living in my self-consciousness. It’s almost as if everything around me is there for me. But I want to change.
To begin I need to practice new thinking. I can listen when another person talks and imagine being them and imagine looking at the world from behind their eyes. I can imagine the life that’s inside a bird or if or what a dog is thinking about. I can scan the whole physical universe with my mind, travel across infinity per say, instead of only seeing what is in me and in my immediate vicinity or in the news.
I will not change immediately or in 6 months. And I will never be perfect here. So the question remains: am I entirely ready to have this defect of character removed, or to let go of it, or to change from it? Entirely?
Entirely is a might big word. If I was in jail, and I was facing life in prison, I think I would be much more ready. But I face no problems today. Everything is good and I never miss a meal. I haven’t been chronically depressed for 5 years. Things are much better than they were 5 years ago in many areas. I’m not using anymore. Aren’t things going pretty well as I am right now? And besides it’s going to be impossible to be free from self-centeredness, so can’t I be satisfied that I am less selfish and then move on to other things?
NO. The problem is that my selfishness comes between me and god. It comes between me and you. And, even if I can’t feel the pain, any amount of it blocks me from the Light—from my “higher power”. I have had the experience and realization of wanting to be the most loving and kind and compassionate and helpful person that I can be. And as I write this and think from this point of view I do feel that I am entirely ready at this moment to have my defects of character removed.
But things might and will change by tomorrow, possibly in just 5 minutes of time. If someone calls and in the conversation says something to me that hurts my feelings I will probably go into a number of different self centered patterns of thought.
I will remember that it is PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. I am ready to let go of the hold that I have upon my own self centered, self preserving mindset. And I will continue to practice change and to break the barrier of “habit” that I have towards self-centeredness and selfishness.
2. To my surprise I am putting procrastination in the number 2 slot. For years, I’ve thought of this defect as being an easy one; easy to include in any sharing of 6th step discussion at a meeting. It does not smell dirty and everybody has it…so it’s very safe to talk about. It’s fun to make jokes about it, and it works well when I want to push the remote control in front of a television set.
But I’m seeing this in a much deeper way as a result of this round of my “working the steps”. I am recovering to not only stop using, but also to change my entire life. Drinking and using drugs inherently increased my ability to put things off. I put off moving forward in relations with others and instead lived in a world of isolation. Even in sobriety I have found myself wanting my safe world of “just me” sometimes. For example, recently I’ve been falling asleep on the couch most every night, watching re-runs of Seinfeld or Jay Leno at the end of long days in which I should be getting better rest in my bed.
I’ve also been smoking cigarettes and coffee to extremes and waiting for a time when I am more ready to quit or to even slow down. I’ve been avoiding exercise when I know that it would be a wonderful addition to my recovery.
My whole life has been a life of putting things off until a later time, and as a consequence I am now a 48 year old human being, recovering from a life of addiction, remorse, and broken dreams. Am I ready to let go of this? Am I ready to have it removed? Am I able to feel the pain that it causes and to practice a new life of action? Am I entirely ready?
If I am not entirely ready, I am certainly very ready. I have more to work on yet like:
Rebellion
Lust
"wanting others to save me"
resentment
spitefulness
and others
I have more work to do for the writing part
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.
To begin the 6th step I need to expand upon the nature of the wrongs that were exposed in the 4th and 5th steps. I can continue my work by defining my defects of character and writing how they pertain to me today. Once I have them laid out better in my thoughts, through writing and interactions with others, then I’ll more fully understand what I am getting ready to change.
I need to remember that Step 6 is NOT a onetime thing…I don’t do this once and move to step 7 and have all my dreams come true. Rather, this readiness is something that I am building upon each day, as I continually take distinct action towards changing my life in the present moment. In other words, I can’t hope to do this step perfect and then expect my higher power to pluck my defects of character out of me. This step is similar to the process of a child learning to “not run in the house”. When my son was 5 years old, a time comes when he was excited and happy and ran around the house recklessly. Often me or his mother would tell him “NO running in the house (or you’ll get hurt). But he would soon be running again. Soon, he stubbed his toe on a table leg and cried with pain. And after a few times he began to learn that you can get hurt when you run around the house, and he began to be more careful. But he still got hurt again and again. 10 years later I noticed that he didn’t run in the house anymore. It is like the Law of the cosmos is available to teach me, through pain, to stop stubbing my toe. And as a good parent will eventually learn to stop trying to pluck the defects out of their child, so does my higher power honor me to learn by the choices that I make. It is up to me to become willing and ready and able to see that what I am doing is hurting me, and to practice changing my thinking and my behavior.
I have the desire to change now, but I can look deeper by writing more and by going over these things with my sponsor and other people in my recovery.
1. On the top of my list is selfishness, and self-centeredness. These defects definitely include pride and self pity. My whole past life has been lived from the perspective of myself as the center of my experience, and has been about preserving or observing or showing my SELF.
Where I’ve been hurt by others (overtly or in my own mind), my behavior was centered about preserving myself. I closed off the world and put up barriers of anger, pride, self righteousness, and rebellion. In addition I have lived in years of self pity…thinking if only I hadn’t been hurt then I could have been successful. As I have grown I have spend years observing myself to the extent of self-obsession; testing my knowledge by applying it to these observations of myself. If I was “right” then I became filled with pride and “better than”. If I was wrong then I became filled with self pity and regret. And finally I wanted to be loved and to matter to others so I showed myself to the world, behaving in ways to be at the center of attention. This often caused harm to others and embarrassment to myself.
My life was about my job, my car, my intelligence, my looks, etc. Nearly every thought I had was centered on me. I didn’t think of the other person. I was not the kind of person who would give you the shirt off his back. I worried what other people were thinking about me all the time. I worried about my looks. I was always concerned about ME being happy, or having a fun time, or working. Having sex was all about me getting off.
The question that faces me now: Am I entirely ready to let this selfishness go? Well I certainly want to be. I know that becoming unselfish is a good thing. I believe in the concept that “we are all connected”. This world is not all about me, there are 6.5 billion other ME’s on this planet right now. There are bugs and animals and birds and plants and dirt and water too. There is so much more than just me. Yes I know what I am supposed to do and I absolutely want to be less self-centered.
The problem is that I am accustomed to looking at things through the lens of my own experience. I am ingrained in the habit of thinking and living in my self-consciousness. It’s almost as if everything around me is there for me. But I want to change.
To begin I need to practice new thinking. I can listen when another person talks and imagine being them and imagine looking at the world from behind their eyes. I can imagine the life that’s inside a bird or if or what a dog is thinking about. I can scan the whole physical universe with my mind, travel across infinity per say, instead of only seeing what is in me and in my immediate vicinity or in the news.
I will not change immediately or in 6 months. And I will never be perfect here. So the question remains: am I entirely ready to have this defect of character removed, or to let go of it, or to change from it? Entirely?
Entirely is a might big word. If I was in jail, and I was facing life in prison, I think I would be much more ready. But I face no problems today. Everything is good and I never miss a meal. I haven’t been chronically depressed for 5 years. Things are much better than they were 5 years ago in many areas. I’m not using anymore. Aren’t things going pretty well as I am right now? And besides it’s going to be impossible to be free from self-centeredness, so can’t I be satisfied that I am less selfish and then move on to other things?
NO. The problem is that my selfishness comes between me and god. It comes between me and you. And, even if I can’t feel the pain, any amount of it blocks me from the Light—from my “higher power”. I have had the experience and realization of wanting to be the most loving and kind and compassionate and helpful person that I can be. And as I write this and think from this point of view I do feel that I am entirely ready at this moment to have my defects of character removed.
But things might and will change by tomorrow, possibly in just 5 minutes of time. If someone calls and in the conversation says something to me that hurts my feelings I will probably go into a number of different self centered patterns of thought.
I will remember that it is PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. I am ready to let go of the hold that I have upon my own self centered, self preserving mindset. And I will continue to practice change and to break the barrier of “habit” that I have towards self-centeredness and selfishness.
2. To my surprise I am putting procrastination in the number 2 slot. For years, I’ve thought of this defect as being an easy one; easy to include in any sharing of 6th step discussion at a meeting. It does not smell dirty and everybody has it…so it’s very safe to talk about. It’s fun to make jokes about it, and it works well when I want to push the remote control in front of a television set.
But I’m seeing this in a much deeper way as a result of this round of my “working the steps”. I am recovering to not only stop using, but also to change my entire life. Drinking and using drugs inherently increased my ability to put things off. I put off moving forward in relations with others and instead lived in a world of isolation. Even in sobriety I have found myself wanting my safe world of “just me” sometimes. For example, recently I’ve been falling asleep on the couch most every night, watching re-runs of Seinfeld or Jay Leno at the end of long days in which I should be getting better rest in my bed.
I’ve also been smoking cigarettes and coffee to extremes and waiting for a time when I am more ready to quit or to even slow down. I’ve been avoiding exercise when I know that it would be a wonderful addition to my recovery.
My whole life has been a life of putting things off until a later time, and as a consequence I am now a 48 year old human being, recovering from a life of addiction, remorse, and broken dreams. Am I ready to let go of this? Am I ready to have it removed? Am I able to feel the pain that it causes and to practice a new life of action? Am I entirely ready?
If I am not entirely ready, I am certainly very ready. I have more to work on yet like:
Rebellion
Lust
"wanting others to save me"
resentment
spitefulness
and others
I have more work to do for the writing part
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
ks5, what a inspiration you are!
and a great example of willingness and honesty!
coming up on six years next month, your teaching me a few more things!
and i have the popcorn ready for more reading...
good wishes on your continued journey...
rz
and a great example of willingness and honesty!
coming up on six years next month, your teaching me a few more things!
and i have the popcorn ready for more reading...
good wishes on your continued journey...
rz
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
things are coming along in my sixth step, but i'm not going hell bent all out every day. I have founds some definitions and am continuing to work. rebellion is a big one for me. my addiction is fueled by the rebellious adolescent in me. Lying that was rampant in my addiction is of course gone, but there still remains many subtle forms of lying that i need to explore. gluttony is where my addiction comes in as a defect of character and includes my eating, smoking, and coffee habits. and then pride. pride has always had a background of confusion for me. this is because i am finding a 'good pride', along with the defect of pride. so this is pretty cool for me to continue to look at furthur now in my sixth step writing.
rebellion... An act or a show of defiance toward an authority or established convention; rejection of accepted conventions of behavior; resistance, nonconformity, defiance, heresy, disobedience, insubordination.
lie... A false statement deliberately presented as being true; To present false information with the intention of deceiving; To convey a false image or impression: Appearances often lie. to speak untruthfully with the intention of deceiving;
to convey a false impression an untrue statement deliberately used to mislead or deceive
Gluttony Excess in eating or drinking. the practice of eating too much; habitual eating to excess; priggishness - an excessive desire for food.
pride (as a defect) Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; An excessively high opinion of oneself; conceit; an excessively high opinion of oneself
an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others; conceit, self-love, vanity - arrogance, pretension, presumption, snobbery, smugness, self-importance, egotism, self-love, pretentiousness, haughtiness, loftiness, vainglory, superciliousness, bigheadedness << OPPOSITE humility
pride (as an asset) A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.
Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association: parental pride; satisfaction in one's own or another's success or achievements: his obvious pride in his son's achievements a feeling of self-respect and personal worth satisfaction, achievement, fulfillment, delight, content, pleasure, joy, gratification;. self-respect, honour, ego, dignity, self-esteem, self-image, self-worth,
2. perfectionist A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards; A belief in certain religions that moral or spiritual perfection can be achieved before the soul has passed into the afterlife.
rebellion... An act or a show of defiance toward an authority or established convention; rejection of accepted conventions of behavior; resistance, nonconformity, defiance, heresy, disobedience, insubordination.
lie... A false statement deliberately presented as being true; To present false information with the intention of deceiving; To convey a false image or impression: Appearances often lie. to speak untruthfully with the intention of deceiving;
to convey a false impression an untrue statement deliberately used to mislead or deceive
Gluttony Excess in eating or drinking. the practice of eating too much; habitual eating to excess; priggishness - an excessive desire for food.
pride (as a defect) Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; An excessively high opinion of oneself; conceit; an excessively high opinion of oneself
an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others; conceit, self-love, vanity - arrogance, pretension, presumption, snobbery, smugness, self-importance, egotism, self-love, pretentiousness, haughtiness, loftiness, vainglory, superciliousness, bigheadedness << OPPOSITE humility
pride (as an asset) A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.
Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association: parental pride; satisfaction in one's own or another's success or achievements: his obvious pride in his son's achievements a feeling of self-respect and personal worth satisfaction, achievement, fulfillment, delight, content, pleasure, joy, gratification;. self-respect, honour, ego, dignity, self-esteem, self-image, self-worth,
2. perfectionist A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards; A belief in certain religions that moral or spiritual perfection can be achieved before the soul has passed into the afterlife.
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