adore79

Or maybe not seflworth, but I destoryed any amount of trust I had with my parents. The sick thing is that that thread of thrust they still had in me was based mostly on lies. I just dont know why it is so hard for me to tell the truth relating to my alcohol consumpition to my parents and docs. The one time I told my doc the truth about how much I drank I got a wave of strange sensation sweep over me and I felt like I was hovering over myslef watching the doc and me talking, ovserving two people I had nothing to do with.

No matter how stressful telling the truth is though is being caught in you lie.

I've drank 5-6 times over the last few months, but my parents knew that bacause I had no problem telling them becasue I trully felt it was great progress. They also beleived me because they has seen my everyday routine change and had seen a general imporvement in me.

Last night I decided to get drunk only this time I decided to add a bunch of pills to the mix which ended up really f###ing me up. After hearing a crash in the basement my folks went do to find me on the floor, barely coherent, I had wet myself, some bruises on my arm. My Dad carried me to my bed and they watched over me.

This morning they made it clear that from now on they would distribute my medication everyday and they will not give me money or let me spend any money on anything unless they are present.

I undertand that I scared them a lot but I really dont see how I will ever gain even a little of their trust back. The fact is that I am completely dependent on them for everthing, the same way a four year is dependent on her parents. I find it comfortable in being completely depedent on them and I this depenency is unhealthy but I cant figure out why.

CAPTAINZING2000

I have a question?

Why are you dependant on your parents? Are you in school?

Astro

Nothing's impossible felly. Four years ago I didn't think anyone would ever trust me again. I'm sure my ex still has her doubts, I lost a few friends, my Dad is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, and my brothers joke around about which one of them will drive me on my next trip to the mental hospital. But I know without a doubt that my children, fiance, and fellow AA'ers have complete faith in me, and that's all that really matters.

I have to admit though that to earn that trust I had to stay sober, no matter what. That's what "progress" means to me. Otherwise I'm just in between drinks. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and it's probably not what you wanted to hear, but being clean and sober doesn't mean drinking and taking pills once in awhile, then f***ing up and expecting the people that love us not to notice. That didn't work for me for most of my life.

You've been coming around here for awhile felly, I know you want recovery and I think you can do it. If you didn't, would you have stuck around for this long?

Astro

Forgot to mention that being independent has worked really well in my recovery. I'm responsible for staying sober, feeding myself, staying focused on my recovery program, yadee-yadee-yadda. That way I have no one to look cross-eyed at when I eff up. It's between me and my HP, I stay sober and HP shows me how to live.

Anna

Hi Felly,

I think it would be a good idea to turn the focus on yourself and your recovery.

Gaining back your parents trust will come, in time, as you recover.

stone

(((felly)))

Before worrying about getting their trust back you have to work on getting yourself sober...then the trust will come.

Dee74

I'm sorry Felly - I know you must feel awful right now, but I think Astro is right.

Focus on your recovery - by staying sober, however you decide do that...SR, counselling, AA, whatever...all the other stuff will eventually fall into place.

D

adore79

No, I am broke and unemployed.

In the past whever I left home I would quickly come back when the resposibilities and pain of the world became too much. A couple of years I lived with a boyfirend and that was better cause I got some stability from him but it wasnt enough.


Its occured to me many times why it is I have always used lying and deception as a normal tool in life. I started having to use it at an early age as a mechnism of survival and over the years my veiws on it became scewed I think.

CAPTAINZING2000

Would you say, your parents enable you?

adore79

No I dont think they enable me really.

CAPTAINZING2000

Where do you get money to drink on?

You are able to admit, you told lies, are you willing to be truthful with your parents about your drinking?

As a parent, I'll go the distance to help my kids if, they're trying to help themselves.

I'll fill up their tanks in their cars if, need be so, they can look for work. I'll let them stay in my home until, they can get on their feet and our employed.
I won't allow them to lie around the house and leave it a mess while I go to work each day.
My mother taught me early, there are no free rides in life!!
Next question, do you feel you need treatment? I went to AA as opposed to treatment 90 days 90 meetings until, I had a foundation built up in sobriety.

Trust can easily be destroyed but, it can be built back up again.

adore79

Ok I think I see your point. Yes, they give me money that is use to drink, so I guess they do partially enable me.

I actually am starting not to care as much now, sobriety is hard much less recovering. I've tried and tried and it is just getting more frustrating.

Hevyn

Felly, my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it must have been to start this thread, but it means you realize you're a work in progress. If you were truly a lost cause you wouldn't keep coming back. That humiliating experience happened for a reason - now you'll be more determined than ever to get well and change the course of your life. I know you're fed up with the way things have been. As the others have said, getting Felly well is the most important thing.

CAPTAINZING2000

Living a lie gets harder and harder

Aysha

I thought about you today at work. I was thinking I was going to PM you when I got home to see how you were doing.
I know how it feels to be completely dependant on your parents. I am like that with my grams.
I am 33 and never moved out. But I can and do work. But she still pays a majority of the bills. She does the housework..my laundry..cooks..all that.
She doesnt mind. I really actually dont like her doing my laundry and my own personal stuff.
Cooking..She can have at it.
But I have been trying to take it upon myself to do some dishes and clean up around here if I see something needs to be done.
She babysits kids almost everyday..all day. She is tired after all that.
Just small things I can do that helps. Even just a little. It makes me feel like I am responsible..I have been productive..And it shows that I am trying to be responsible and take action in a positive way.
I would have been scared too Fel. I am sorry your feeling like you are.
Your parents obviously care about you alot.
Trust will come in time. But you have to put in some work and show not only them..But most of all yourself that you can take responsibility for yourself. Even just a little bit.
I agree with the rest. Focus on you and your recovery.
I dont believe for a minute that you dont care. Or you wouldnt be here talking about this stuff.
You can do it fel. I know you can.

Bamboozle

Hello, felly

There's some good advice already here...so I won't say much. I do agree that focusing on yourself getting better should be your number one priority. In time, your folks will come around.

least

Focus on getting yourself clean and sober. THe 'clean' part also means your way of living and dealing with others. I would suggest a good addiction counselor. I go to one every week and it really helps.

:ghug3

Astro

I think that's why people kept telling me to let others love me and help me when I wasn't capable of loving and taking care of myself. It took time, but eventually something "stuck" and my sobriety was more important than anything else.

grateful2b

((Felly))
nothing to add to the good advice here, just brought some hugs with me, and a "you are worth whatever it takes" **grateful

adore79

Thanks everyone I really appreciate the responses. It just when I really start analyzing my behaviors and thinking it becomes more and more clear to me that the reason I starting drinking when I was 21 was bause it was an esier way to cope with stuff I had been coping with in an unhealthy manner for a long time and now to quit drinking means dealing with all this other stuff and that seems completely overwhelming. I dont know if I can do it.

I'm proablby just in a little slump now because of last night. Hopefully I will get my determination back. It just gets exhusting sometimes.