Reflections on my 100th Day Sober
 

Hi,

So today is Day 100 for me. I'm not even sure how I feel about it.

Part of me is very proud of myself, sure. But there's another part of me - a nagging, irritating part - that just won't shut up about the damn alcohol.

I do not yet have any sort of sense of peace. I do not yet have any sort of sense of progress or well-being. I am not yet 100% committed in my heart and mind to staying sober for the rest of my life. For now? For today? For the immediate future? Yes, I am committed to that. But I can't think one year, two years, five years, ten years down the road. And when I do, I inevitably think something like, "Surely when I'm FIFTY I'll be able to have a freaking glass of wine again!!"

*sigh*

Part of me keeps looking for an out. Part of me keeps trying to find a way for me to be able to drink again. Someday, some way. I'm not sure why.

I've thought about it logically and impartially (as impartially as possible). I've read and re-read my journal, reliving how I felt the last few times I drank. I've forced myself to remember exactly what I felt like - physically and emotionally - all those days that I woke up after swearing I wouldn't drink the night before and yet did anyway. I KNOW there are things that I never want to do or feel again, and I KNOW that all of those things were attributed to alcohol. But I can't let go of the hope that I'm really not "that bad" and that once I get enough time under my belt something will have magically changed and I will be "normal" again.

I do not feel mentally or emotionally well. I am SOBER but I am not RECOVERING. I don't think I like it.

But hey, today is Day 100 and that's got to mean SOMETHING, right? I mean, I HAVE made it 100 days.

Tonight is the big Florida/Oklahoma National Championship game. Saturday is the Titans playoff game. I won't be having any beer, or Jack & Diet,or Vodka & Diet, or anything else for either game and that's still a bit of a shocker to me. But hey, I can get coupons for free soft drinks at the Titans game if I go sign up as a designated driver so that's pretty cool.

I keep hearing people say that it gets better, it gets easier... I'm looking forward to when that happens.

Keep in mind there are people out there stuck in their addictions who would if they could, love to be in your position with 100 days sober under their belts and the support of others in the recovery community. You have a chance to go all the way and you have gotten further in the battle than some some people ever will. Don't throw it all away & don't forget to give yourself some credit for what you have accomplished so far.

proud of you, tryingsohard! one day at a time! hugs, k

Hi Trying,

Be proud of yourself for reaching 100 days sober!

I'm sorry you have some negative feelings at the moment. I wonder what you have done in your life, besides stopping drinking? I needed to be able to connect with my spiritual self, in order to find a reason to recover. I needed to be able to hear my soul speaking to me.

Again, be proud of yourselfl!

I understand your feelings well. I'm struggling also with finding peace inside and a sense of purpose. Lately it's been hard. I want to just escape, but the bottle will kill me so can't go there.

Hang in there and just stay in the moment. This too shall pass

:ghug3

I post sometimes on here and mention the "whispering alcoholic voice"...
Which i get from time to time...
Normally stuff like "your boring and glum without a drink" or "youve been sober for a bit now so try wekends and only beer"
Or the "just one glass of wine with dinner then".....all fantasy nonsense..and utter bs..
Over time it has reduced to very "rarely" but never completely gone in the 8 years ive been sober..
I dont think it ever will really but what has changed is how i deal with it..
In the first year or two it would make me feel vunerable and on edge.
But with time... i view it as a good reminder that i have to mantain my recovery and never forget who i am....or where i went..
IMO......im an alcoholic that needs a program to continue to remain content and at peace and for that i knit the AA steps into my life...and it works for me.
Working through these feelings will weaken them with time im sure..
And sharing them can only be positive............trucker..

Tonight is the big Florida/Oklahoma National Championship game!!!


YAY Go Gators!! (if you are an OK fan don't hit me!!)

Be happy you have 100 days. If you've drank for 10 years, 100 days is only 3%
of sober time in relation. Would you expect to master Chinese in 100 days? This is even more complicated, to me.

Congrats on your 100 days!!

Have you read "Under the Influence" or "Beyond the Influence"? These books really helped me accept that I can't drink again. It took the focus to an explained physiological problem that would always lead me to drink differently than most folks. It helps shut up the "alcoholic" voice for me by responding to it with hard facts. Everyone's journey is different, thanks for sharing part of yours.

I just ordered it, THANK YOU!!!

TSH,

I'm sorry your still struggling. For me, being sober isn't about just not drinking, It's about learning to live in peace. Are you getting any therapy or other help?

I don't think about not being "able" to drink next year, I focus on the 24 hours ahead of me. I think it was CarolD who has a list of her withdrawal symptoms in her wallet to remind her of what she doesn't want to do again.

I have to remember what I felt like when I was drinking. It wasn't fun. I wasn't a delightful person. I don't want to be like that again.

Those thoughts that we are missing good times with drinking are the voice of the beast trying to feed itself. It's not your sane part talking to you!

Hope this helps.

Love,

Lenina

Have you worked the Steps? J/K!

:brick

Congrat's on 100 Days, TSH!!!! :bling:

:bday6

DK

TSH-

Congratulations on 100 days!:c011: You should feel really good about this. I reached 100 days on Oct 31st and we had a world series parade that day. It was one of my worse days sober. Every one in the city was drinking all day. I am a sports fan and watched many a game drinking. I felt like I couldn't even be part of it.

I too am sober but do not feel recovered. I also can't get the forever thing until I read something and my thoughts go to maybe it is better if I never drink. I totally agree with you on all points and I am hoping someday we will look back and say this wasn't so bad.

Sheesh, I forgot to add: Congrats on your sober time! 100 days is great!

Love from

Lenina

I am so proud of you. Its funny cuz I just sent you a message earlier before I saw this thread asking you if you felt different mentally and physically! Hang in there, you are doing such a great job, it would really suck if you "dropped the ball" (lol) now!
Hang in there my friend!

Congrats on 100 days.
I think alot of us have felt like that. Especially when we start getting to those early milestones.
At least I know I have.
I cant think too far ahead. Not with recovery or anyhting at all. Not my bills..not about work or money.
I have to stay in the near future or I will lose it.
Your doing great. And you should definately be proud.

GO GATORS!! (My hubby is currently a grad school student for them so you know who we're rooting for! LOL)

Congrats TSH!

What Anna said..

And, you just might? Try AA for support.

Love,

Sher

Congratulations on your 100 days!!! That's awesome.

You say you don't feel that you've made any progress, but you haven't felt like you did on those mornings after for 100 days! I do know about the peace you are longing to feel, but don't. I'm not feeling the peace either. Maybe for different reasons, but maybe not. People always tell me the miracle will happen. There is no reason not to believe them, everything else I've been told about early sobriety has been true, more or less. Hang in there, you are doing great!!

Mark

:lmao DK!



Thanks :ghug3