Broken...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New Zealand.
Posts: 122
Geez Jules, I really don't know what to say, I'm not really very good at putting things into words sometimes.
But I'm feeling for you, the more I read of this thread the angrier I got, you are obviously very loved and respected on here (I know I'm very grateful for your welcome and your support) and it guts me that the demon has the power to crush a special spirit like yours. I want to throw something at it, throttle the daylights out of it and yell at it to leave you alone.
I know you are strong (even if you're not feeling it right this moment) you will beat this, be kind to your self, don't hang on to the guilt or shame, it's exactly what the demon wants you to do, to weaken you and feed on negatives, to pull you down.
Be possitive, think about all you have achieved, you are fantastic, kind, caring, strong, empathetic, intelligent, and a beautiful person, you are worth so much. I will be praying for you, and I just want you to know I care :ghug3
But I'm feeling for you, the more I read of this thread the angrier I got, you are obviously very loved and respected on here (I know I'm very grateful for your welcome and your support) and it guts me that the demon has the power to crush a special spirit like yours. I want to throw something at it, throttle the daylights out of it and yell at it to leave you alone.
I know you are strong (even if you're not feeling it right this moment) you will beat this, be kind to your self, don't hang on to the guilt or shame, it's exactly what the demon wants you to do, to weaken you and feed on negatives, to pull you down.
Be possitive, think about all you have achieved, you are fantastic, kind, caring, strong, empathetic, intelligent, and a beautiful person, you are worth so much. I will be praying for you, and I just want you to know I care :ghug3
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i remember when i ended my relationship with my daughter's dad - i was pretty beat up, mentally and physically. i went to a therapist who told me to write down all the painful things and make them into a paper chain. when i'd be feeling strong enough throughout that grieving process, i would break off one the links in the chain, read it, and let it go, throw it away.
it was very helpful.
love ya, jules. hang in there. k
it was very helpful.
love ya, jules. hang in there. k
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Hi Jules,
I just now saw this thread. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said, but please know that I do not think you're a hypocrite at all. Please let us know how you're doing when you feel up to it.
Much love,
TSH
I just now saw this thread. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said, but please know that I do not think you're a hypocrite at all. Please let us know how you're doing when you feel up to it.
Much love,
TSH
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Jules, you have right now. This very moment. You have a choice, even when it feels hopeless. It's hard to see the choice in the middle of that feeling, but it still exists.
Much, much love to you.
Much, much love to you.
~miss nikky~
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: windsor gardens, south australia, australia
Posts: 1,984
Originally Posted by parentrecovers 
stop by for me, dee, would ya?
good on ya jules, your going to be okay hun!!!
thanks for checking in and its great to hear your view on it this morning!
just pik up that phone all will be okay.
p.s. give merlin a cuddle for me!
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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Thank you all so much for your words of love and wisdom here.
I've been re-reading this thread on and off all day.It's been hard for me to process so much love in the face of the hatred and anger my mother sent my way last night.But if nothing else, I do know love when I experience it, and you have all been so generous with yours.My rather shattered heart-thanks yours.
I want to mention so many of your posts but I'm always reticient to do this in case I leave someone out and they feel hurt.So please just know every one of you touched in me in some way today-even if I dont mention your name.I'm really feeling very blank in a way today and shakey on the inside if you know what I mean.But better than last night, that's for sure.
When I woke up this morning it was with the thought that either I could just keep drinking till I died(I didn't care at that point), never return to SR and just, well, leave the planet.It wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as it sounds here.I felt dead inside.Nothing.Not emotional-just full of despair.
I made myself get out of bed, and I sat on my deck and looked at the sky and wondered if I'd ever feel peaceful again and was it too much to ask really? It's been so elusive, even when I've been sober for a while and I've tried so damn hard to stay that way.It all felt worthless.
I got on my computer and logged in here.I fully expected little response to my post.I expected criticism.I don't think much of myself today, and then I sat here reading all your posts and cried like a baby. I am not used to this kind of love or acceptance.I didn't know what to do with it.
I sat here thinking-'wisdom and love'-that's what you all offered me, and I needed, and still need, both.
So-a few mentions...
Dee-your constant encouragement, support and friendship mean the world to me.I love you dearly.
DK-love you bro.Yo-and all that rap stuff-lol
Sherry-when you pray, God listens.You reached a part of me I thought was lost to me last night.Thank you my friend.
Stoney-I think you have the biggest heart.Thank you for your compassion and for your care.You have unknown qualities that just shine at times like this.You are what my father calls 'a good man.' He should know.He is one too.Love you.
Nikki-what a love you are.I honestly didn't know I'd made that much of an impact on you and your post made me cry, in a good way.You are a dear soul.Thank you for everything you said.
Jadmack-I don't even know you but your post hit right to the core of me.It was so insightful and it was after reading your words that I started to see things slightly differently.Thank you so very much.I'm still very hurt-but I do see now that this was truly the last thing she could ever abuse me with.There's nothing else left.Your wisdom is appreciated more than you know.Im so glad you're here at SR.
Ro-you've been with me from the beginning and I wouldn't be here now if not for you.I am always grateful to you.Always.
Anna-you always make so much sense, and you do it in such a gentle way.Thank you too.I have struggled for a long time with boundaries with my mother.I doubt I'll be talking to her for a while yet now,.I need to look after myself more.
Pelican-you're just a doll.Thank you.I think you're special too.
Gyps-no bricks?I'm disappointed (not really) Your comment that what my mother says about me is not who I am, hit home too.Thank you.You never gave up on me even when I did.I love you.
Least-you are the gift that keeps on giving here at SR.You just never give up and you really are inspiring.Thank you for your love and support.
Sarah-Your love and friendship has seen me through some really rough times this past year.and here you are again still doing it.You are such a dear friend, always in my corner.It means the world to me.
k-I wish you were my mom.It's that simple. I think the world of you.
Tanya-one of my favourite idiots.Thank you for reminding me that the child I was is not who I am.I so needed to hear that.You're right.I think I need some help in growing up though.How unusual for an alkie eh
Thank you for your insight.Love you.
Jomey-I wish I knew you better.Your post really touched me and I'm always so impressed at how you get to the heart of things.You are a very loving soul and I see it whenever you post.Thank you for comforting me when I needed it most.
Desertdonna-I don't know you very well at all but I am so grateful to you for all you said here.Consider me a friend
Toomuch-you have such a gentleness about you.Thank you for sending it my way.I needed it today.I'm blessed by you.
Trish-I just love you.You're very 'tell it like it is' too-and I admire that.But you are so much more too.You have the most giving heart.Thank you.
Joanie-If I took the time to describe what a constant source of love and support you've been to me also it'd be an essay.Just know your post today touched me deeply.Thank you.Maybe I can stop hating myself now?I love you very much.Always.
Astro-I think you're right about this being bottom and thank you for still believing in me.I needed to hear that from someone this morning.God bless you.
Lenina-you have reached out to me many times here.Thank you for your kindness and for not giving up on me.You are a genuine, loving soul.I'm so grateful.
Trying so hard, Ananda, Carol, grateful2b, James13....heck-anyone else I've missed-just know I am so appreciative of your thoughts and love.Some of you even made me smile today which I never thought I'd do.
I am still in a lot of pain, but I don't feel quite so lost anymore.It's going to take some time I think.This isn't something you recover from overnight but I will recover.I want to heal and not be bitter.
The wine bottles are gone btw.I tipped them out.As much as I want an escape from feeling like this, I know now I'll never find it there and I don't think I'd have known this fully, if it wasnt for all of you.
God bless you all for what you did for me today.You may not realise it, but you came very close to qualifying as saving my life this morning.
You have my love,
Julesxox
I've been re-reading this thread on and off all day.It's been hard for me to process so much love in the face of the hatred and anger my mother sent my way last night.But if nothing else, I do know love when I experience it, and you have all been so generous with yours.My rather shattered heart-thanks yours.
I want to mention so many of your posts but I'm always reticient to do this in case I leave someone out and they feel hurt.So please just know every one of you touched in me in some way today-even if I dont mention your name.I'm really feeling very blank in a way today and shakey on the inside if you know what I mean.But better than last night, that's for sure.
When I woke up this morning it was with the thought that either I could just keep drinking till I died(I didn't care at that point), never return to SR and just, well, leave the planet.It wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as it sounds here.I felt dead inside.Nothing.Not emotional-just full of despair.
I made myself get out of bed, and I sat on my deck and looked at the sky and wondered if I'd ever feel peaceful again and was it too much to ask really? It's been so elusive, even when I've been sober for a while and I've tried so damn hard to stay that way.It all felt worthless.
I got on my computer and logged in here.I fully expected little response to my post.I expected criticism.I don't think much of myself today, and then I sat here reading all your posts and cried like a baby. I am not used to this kind of love or acceptance.I didn't know what to do with it.
I sat here thinking-'wisdom and love'-that's what you all offered me, and I needed, and still need, both.
So-a few mentions...
Dee-your constant encouragement, support and friendship mean the world to me.I love you dearly.
DK-love you bro.Yo-and all that rap stuff-lol
Sherry-when you pray, God listens.You reached a part of me I thought was lost to me last night.Thank you my friend.
Stoney-I think you have the biggest heart.Thank you for your compassion and for your care.You have unknown qualities that just shine at times like this.You are what my father calls 'a good man.' He should know.He is one too.Love you.
Nikki-what a love you are.I honestly didn't know I'd made that much of an impact on you and your post made me cry, in a good way.You are a dear soul.Thank you for everything you said.
Jadmack-I don't even know you but your post hit right to the core of me.It was so insightful and it was after reading your words that I started to see things slightly differently.Thank you so very much.I'm still very hurt-but I do see now that this was truly the last thing she could ever abuse me with.There's nothing else left.Your wisdom is appreciated more than you know.Im so glad you're here at SR.
Ro-you've been with me from the beginning and I wouldn't be here now if not for you.I am always grateful to you.Always.
Anna-you always make so much sense, and you do it in such a gentle way.Thank you too.I have struggled for a long time with boundaries with my mother.I doubt I'll be talking to her for a while yet now,.I need to look after myself more.
Pelican-you're just a doll.Thank you.I think you're special too.
Gyps-no bricks?I'm disappointed (not really) Your comment that what my mother says about me is not who I am, hit home too.Thank you.You never gave up on me even when I did.I love you.
Least-you are the gift that keeps on giving here at SR.You just never give up and you really are inspiring.Thank you for your love and support.
Sarah-Your love and friendship has seen me through some really rough times this past year.and here you are again still doing it.You are such a dear friend, always in my corner.It means the world to me.
k-I wish you were my mom.It's that simple. I think the world of you.
Tanya-one of my favourite idiots.Thank you for reminding me that the child I was is not who I am.I so needed to hear that.You're right.I think I need some help in growing up though.How unusual for an alkie eh
Thank you for your insight.Love you.Jomey-I wish I knew you better.Your post really touched me and I'm always so impressed at how you get to the heart of things.You are a very loving soul and I see it whenever you post.Thank you for comforting me when I needed it most.
Desertdonna-I don't know you very well at all but I am so grateful to you for all you said here.Consider me a friend
Toomuch-you have such a gentleness about you.Thank you for sending it my way.I needed it today.I'm blessed by you.
Trish-I just love you.You're very 'tell it like it is' too-and I admire that.But you are so much more too.You have the most giving heart.Thank you.
Joanie-If I took the time to describe what a constant source of love and support you've been to me also it'd be an essay.Just know your post today touched me deeply.Thank you.Maybe I can stop hating myself now?I love you very much.Always.
Astro-I think you're right about this being bottom and thank you for still believing in me.I needed to hear that from someone this morning.God bless you.
Lenina-you have reached out to me many times here.Thank you for your kindness and for not giving up on me.You are a genuine, loving soul.I'm so grateful.
Trying so hard, Ananda, Carol, grateful2b, James13....heck-anyone else I've missed-just know I am so appreciative of your thoughts and love.Some of you even made me smile today which I never thought I'd do.
I am still in a lot of pain, but I don't feel quite so lost anymore.It's going to take some time I think.This isn't something you recover from overnight but I will recover.I want to heal and not be bitter.
The wine bottles are gone btw.I tipped them out.As much as I want an escape from feeling like this, I know now I'll never find it there and I don't think I'd have known this fully, if it wasnt for all of you.
God bless you all for what you did for me today.You may not realise it, but you came very close to qualifying as saving my life this morning.
You have my love,
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
********{Jules}}}}}
Much love to you. I don't know if we'd get along without you here! I'm glad you can feel the love and respect from all of us.
If you want to talk about it, you can PM me. My family is nuts and it took me years to detach from the insanity. My friends are my family now and as you can tell, you have lots of friends here.
Love,
Lenina
Much love to you. I don't know if we'd get along without you here! I'm glad you can feel the love and respect from all of us.
If you want to talk about it, you can PM me. My family is nuts and it took me years to detach from the insanity. My friends are my family now and as you can tell, you have lots of friends here.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Thank you Lenina. 
I will pm you sometime.It's just all a bit too raw to talk about yet but your point about friends being family makes so much sense to me right now.
I also just wanted to add-to all of you who pm'd me today-thank you.I just don't have it in me to respond to everyone just yet, but know I was and am truly grateful.
Julesxox
I will pm you sometime.It's just all a bit too raw to talk about yet but your point about friends being family makes so much sense to me right now.I also just wanted to add-to all of you who pm'd me today-thank you.I just don't have it in me to respond to everyone just yet, but know I was and am truly grateful.
Julesxox
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
You know Jules..You are one tough, strong, intelligent,caring, funny woman.
And I like to think alot of life's experiences. Whether they be good or bad are what makes us the way we are today.
Kinda like what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.
For what you must have gone through. Not only from your mother or anyone else. But what we as addicts/alcoholics do to ourselves too.
You are still here..Trying..fighting. And you turned out pretty awesome in my eyes.
You rock lady.
I am glad you dumped the rest of that crap.
I know it will take time to get back to "normal".
Be patient with yourself. Take it easy.
You know we are always here for you. And never here to judge.
And I like to think alot of life's experiences. Whether they be good or bad are what makes us the way we are today.
Kinda like what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.
For what you must have gone through. Not only from your mother or anyone else. But what we as addicts/alcoholics do to ourselves too.
You are still here..Trying..fighting. And you turned out pretty awesome in my eyes.
You rock lady.
I am glad you dumped the rest of that crap.
I know it will take time to get back to "normal".
Be patient with yourself. Take it easy.
You know we are always here for you. And never here to judge.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Hey, Jules...I'm relatively new here...and feel cheated that I don't know you better! You are obviously a well respected person here.
My best wishes to you right now, as you sort through your feelings.
Thank you for posting this. It really shows how valuable SR is...to all of us.
Feel better. :x
My best wishes to you right now, as you sort through your feelings.
Thank you for posting this. It really shows how valuable SR is...to all of us.
Feel better. :x
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