Is it possible?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 63
Is it possible?
Is it possible to sat in a relationship with someone who drinks? My SO had a booze fueled weekend and I can see it is going to be hard to stay sober. He does not include me in anything because I don't drink anymore. I feel isolated.
He even spent the entire night out on a friends couch because of his drinking. I was scared and never heard from him again until late that afternoon. I think he wants to see how far he can push me.
I do not want to give up my sobriety. He says "plenty of guys wives don't drink and let them drink, what is the problem?'
I don't think I can do it.
He even spent the entire night out on a friends couch because of his drinking. I was scared and never heard from him again until late that afternoon. I think he wants to see how far he can push me.
I do not want to give up my sobriety. He says "plenty of guys wives don't drink and let them drink, what is the problem?'
I don't think I can do it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I am glad that you are focusing on yourself and what you need.
I think it's one thing if your SO has a drink in the evening, and another thing if he is spending the entire night away from you, so that he can drink. I realized when I began recovery, that I had no boundaries in my life. I had to figure out how to be kind to me.
I think it's one thing if your SO has a drink in the evening, and another thing if he is spending the entire night away from you, so that he can drink. I realized when I began recovery, that I had no boundaries in my life. I had to figure out how to be kind to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 63
THe times I have relapsed were brought on because of the anxiety and nawing feeling in my stomach that I have on his payday and weekends. The same thing I had as a kid waiting at home with my mom for my Dad to come home.
I think I just answered my own question. It's the action that is needed. I try to create a warm loving sober home, with cartoons on and a childs laughter and the smell of dinner being cooked or waffles early in the morning...it is a hard task when waiting for someone to come home drunk or the phone to ring...no fun!
He makes me feel guilty for going to the gym, going to meetings, planning ahead activities.
He is miserable!
I think I just answered my own question. It's the action that is needed. I try to create a warm loving sober home, with cartoons on and a childs laughter and the smell of dinner being cooked or waffles early in the morning...it is a hard task when waiting for someone to come home drunk or the phone to ring...no fun!
He makes me feel guilty for going to the gym, going to meetings, planning ahead activities.
He is miserable!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
IMO I think you should concentrate on yourself and listen to how you feel and do not settle for anything less than you what you think, realistically, is the partner you are looking for! Why would you be with someone who does not include you in what they do and make changes to ensure that if you still feel uncomfortable around booze to do things non-booze related?
Hope you get it sorted in the best way for you:-)
Hope you get it sorted in the best way for you:-)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm sorry he's being a jerk about his drinking. I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem if he wasn't so wrapped up in it, but spending the whole night on a friend's couch just so he could drink seems a bit much. You go to meetings, have you gone to any al-anon meetings? Sounds like you could use some support.
Check out the Friends and Family forum too for people with similar troubles. Please take care of yourself.:ghug3
Check out the Friends and Family forum too for people with similar troubles. Please take care of yourself.:ghug3
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 157
Sounds to me like he is a little uncomfortable with your sobriety and doesn't quite know what to do/feel about it. Just my opinion. You are doing what is right for you but still right that he is acting the way he is. but I do sense he is acting this way out of fear. Maybe he sees that he has a problem as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Oh boy choose2behappy, this must be tough.
My wife has one drink every night and just that has caused me lots of angst. I got over a lot of resentment so the really edgy feelings are gone, but a feeling that crops up now, not all the time, but some nights, is what you mentioned - isolation. I just feel so damn lonely sometimes. She is my best friend and soulmate. Anything that puts distance between us hurts. Sometimes I can't help how I feel, and how I feel, sometimes, less lately, about her having a drink, puts that distance there.
But at least she's in the house, not out all night.
Put sobriety ahead of everything else. When I'm not doing that, is when the bad thoughts and feelings hit. Your SO may or may not have a problem with alcohol, but you should ask him what is more important - the drinking or your relationship. Maybe he doesn't understand that it ultimately comes down to that. Maybe it will take a while for him to understand that. You may have to help him understand. Be prepared for a rough road.
My thoughts are with you. Do what's right for you, at the right time.
Mark
My wife has one drink every night and just that has caused me lots of angst. I got over a lot of resentment so the really edgy feelings are gone, but a feeling that crops up now, not all the time, but some nights, is what you mentioned - isolation. I just feel so damn lonely sometimes. She is my best friend and soulmate. Anything that puts distance between us hurts. Sometimes I can't help how I feel, and how I feel, sometimes, less lately, about her having a drink, puts that distance there.
But at least she's in the house, not out all night.
Put sobriety ahead of everything else. When I'm not doing that, is when the bad thoughts and feelings hit. Your SO may or may not have a problem with alcohol, but you should ask him what is more important - the drinking or your relationship. Maybe he doesn't understand that it ultimately comes down to that. Maybe it will take a while for him to understand that. You may have to help him understand. Be prepared for a rough road.
My thoughts are with you. Do what's right for you, at the right time.
Mark
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Yes, it is possible.
It is possible for you to focus on your sobriety.
It is possible for you to set healthy boundaries.
It is possible for you to enforce your boundaries.
It is also possible for you to detach from his issues.
His alcohol consumption is his issue. Everytime you focus on his issue, you are not taking care of yourself.
It sounds like he is rebelling against your sobriety. He is missing his drinking partner. When your children rebell against the rules, there are consequences. They have to learn how to behave in your home. Same for your SO.
Set up your boundaries, and follow through with your commitments. Be sure and let him know, gently and positively, what your boundaries are. He may not understand, but he will be forewarned.
It is possible for you to focus on your sobriety.
It is possible for you to set healthy boundaries.
It is possible for you to enforce your boundaries.
It is also possible for you to detach from his issues.
His alcohol consumption is his issue. Everytime you focus on his issue, you are not taking care of yourself.
It sounds like he is rebelling against your sobriety. He is missing his drinking partner. When your children rebell against the rules, there are consequences. They have to learn how to behave in your home. Same for your SO.
Set up your boundaries, and follow through with your commitments. Be sure and let him know, gently and positively, what your boundaries are. He may not understand, but he will be forewarned.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 63
TY to all replies. Very helpful.
LAst night the same thing. He was out until 5:30 am...said he was repairing his car. He had to work at 7 and called in. He has a new group of friends and by his behavior and the look in his eyes lately I think he is using crack. We used to do powder cocaine together...not much better..and I never tried the other stuff..but I know that his person for the powder form was busted so I suspect his cravings for it (as I have had too after drinking) are so bad he said "well I'll try this" and that stuff brings a person DOWN FAST.
He has a beautiful family. I know addiction does not discriminate.
My family was one that when you messed up they said "oh you piece of sh**...get lost" well as a victim of this I cannot do this to this man. I also cant get him sober or keep me (the glue) sober in the process.
THanks and this blunt honesty is a little scary but I have to get some support.
Choose
LAst night the same thing. He was out until 5:30 am...said he was repairing his car. He had to work at 7 and called in. He has a new group of friends and by his behavior and the look in his eyes lately I think he is using crack. We used to do powder cocaine together...not much better..and I never tried the other stuff..but I know that his person for the powder form was busted so I suspect his cravings for it (as I have had too after drinking) are so bad he said "well I'll try this" and that stuff brings a person DOWN FAST.
He has a beautiful family. I know addiction does not discriminate.
My family was one that when you messed up they said "oh you piece of sh**...get lost" well as a victim of this I cannot do this to this man. I also cant get him sober or keep me (the glue) sober in the process.
THanks and this blunt honesty is a little scary but I have to get some support.
Choose
Moving out of Limbo
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
choose2bhappy,
I was just recently on the opposite end of that kind of situation. My SO was almost 2 years sober, and I was increasingly isolating from her to get high. I didn't use around her, so instead thought I could balance our relationship with my using. But I was spending more time away from her. I was being really selfish, that's all I know. I almost squandered our relationship, which used to be healthier.
Her sobriety HAD to be the priority in her life for her to remain moving in a healthy direction.
I had to get sober for me first and foremost. Hopefully, everything else will fall into place with patience.
I hope you take care of yourself and your sobriety.
Much love
I was just recently on the opposite end of that kind of situation. My SO was almost 2 years sober, and I was increasingly isolating from her to get high. I didn't use around her, so instead thought I could balance our relationship with my using. But I was spending more time away from her. I was being really selfish, that's all I know. I almost squandered our relationship, which used to be healthier.
Her sobriety HAD to be the priority in her life for her to remain moving in a healthy direction.
I had to get sober for me first and foremost. Hopefully, everything else will fall into place with patience.
I hope you take care of yourself and your sobriety.
Much love
Perfectly Imperfect
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
For me, I ended up having to leave for many reasons. I had a very hard time getting clean while living my ex. I was able to get clean but the situation was just miserable. I wanted to be happy and healthy and he was just so low all the time and as soon as he got off drugs, he went to drinking almost nightly. He would be at the bar night after night and I kept putting up with it. He knew how much I loved him and he used that against me. He knew how kind and gentle I was.
I've learned from this experience and from a friend that it's not always easy to do the right thing nut it is worth it. Someone once asked me this several months ago, "If everyday were like today, would you want to live like this every single day?" My answer was, "hell no" BUT....I stayed and everday was like that.
I think that you have a lot going for you. The fact that you want to stay clean and that you are even contemplating whether or not you should be with him is a very positive sign. I can't tell you enough how important it is to focus on yourself....be good to yourself. Take some time alone and think about what you really want. What do you want your life to be like?
My addiction was cocaine. I've never had a problem with drinking but I stay away from all substances now because I only want healthy things in my life. My other addiction is "men". I've only had two serious relationships in my life but I was addicted to both of them. I stayed in an unhealthy environment and did things that I didn't believe in, things that went against my morals because I was afraid to lose that man. One thing I've realized is that if you have to do something against your beliefs or against your morals for anyone, they are not worth it.
You are what is most important and it took me so long to realize that. Take care of yourself and make yourself number one before it is too late. I will be praying for you! Good luck and keep us posted! And....congratulations on getting sober
Hugs:praying
I've learned from this experience and from a friend that it's not always easy to do the right thing nut it is worth it. Someone once asked me this several months ago, "If everyday were like today, would you want to live like this every single day?" My answer was, "hell no" BUT....I stayed and everday was like that.
I think that you have a lot going for you. The fact that you want to stay clean and that you are even contemplating whether or not you should be with him is a very positive sign. I can't tell you enough how important it is to focus on yourself....be good to yourself. Take some time alone and think about what you really want. What do you want your life to be like?
My addiction was cocaine. I've never had a problem with drinking but I stay away from all substances now because I only want healthy things in my life. My other addiction is "men". I've only had two serious relationships in my life but I was addicted to both of them. I stayed in an unhealthy environment and did things that I didn't believe in, things that went against my morals because I was afraid to lose that man. One thing I've realized is that if you have to do something against your beliefs or against your morals for anyone, they are not worth it.
You are what is most important and it took me so long to realize that. Take care of yourself and make yourself number one before it is too late. I will be praying for you! Good luck and keep us posted! And....congratulations on getting sober
Hugs:praying
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