Pease let this be the last one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 6
Pease let this be the last one.
Hi there,
I had a terrible Friday night/Saturday morning. For the millionth time I went on a bender and did some awful stuff I regret. I ran into a friend(ly acquaintance) who I hadn’t seen since I came home from vacation. I hadn’t seen any of my friends since I came home from vacation (as a result of losing my phone on another bender a month ago- can’t very well call and say ‘I’m back’) and we went to have a few beers.
Well, he had broken up with his gf, so a few beers became many, then he eventually decided to go home. I stayed out drinking, got kicked out of a bar for sexually harassing the staff (all I remember was the bartender telling me to get out because I was hitting on the men, I don’t remember what I said or did) and got home, probably via taxi, but for all I know I could have flown.
I then went to a restaurant where I “made friends” with some very nice peole at another table, ate their food and proceeded to hit on the chef in the kitchen. The chef and I started to go home together, but his girlfriend showed up and tried to separate us.
We went from coffee shop to coffee shop to restaurant with the girlfriend trying to separate us. All the while I had forgotten what part of the city I was in and didn’t know I didn’t need a cab back to my locale. We land in this one restaurant where bf apparently works, and after three hours or so gf gives up and leaves.
Me and bf then pass out on the restaurant floor o be awaken by one of his co-workers. I am still too smashed to remember any of this clearly, but I believe co-worker tried to sober me up before leaving the bf alone. Bf then tries to take me in the back to do the nasty, but I insist on going back to his place because I secretly long for a bed.
We go there, do the deed, and I stumble on home, but first I show him where I live in case he wants to knock on my door at any hour for a booty call.
I pass out for a few hours, wake up sick as a dog and my guts and brain screaming with hangover and shame and regret. I take gravol to sleep and every time I wake up I can barely be in my own skull for how awful I feel. I sleep for a day and a half. When I wake up I realize I forgot to call my father on his birthday.
That isn’t even the worst of my binging episodes, this isn’t the first time I’ve woken up and realized I have to stop drinking. I feel like I am filled with ash, I am scared I ran into people who know where I work and I will be busted, I am paranoid every face I look at knows what I did.
If I tell my friends the story will be diluted with time and they will forgive me and I will forgive myself with time and forget how awful I feel now and I will drink again. My friends know I have a drinking problem, but they think I just have to drink less. I can will myself on two or three outings not to drink as much, but by the fourth or fifth I almost always binge.
I don’t feel like I deserve to go to AA, and it would be difficult to go there where I am at. But I’d like to talk to people here for a while.
I had a terrible Friday night/Saturday morning. For the millionth time I went on a bender and did some awful stuff I regret. I ran into a friend(ly acquaintance) who I hadn’t seen since I came home from vacation. I hadn’t seen any of my friends since I came home from vacation (as a result of losing my phone on another bender a month ago- can’t very well call and say ‘I’m back’) and we went to have a few beers.
Well, he had broken up with his gf, so a few beers became many, then he eventually decided to go home. I stayed out drinking, got kicked out of a bar for sexually harassing the staff (all I remember was the bartender telling me to get out because I was hitting on the men, I don’t remember what I said or did) and got home, probably via taxi, but for all I know I could have flown.
I then went to a restaurant where I “made friends” with some very nice peole at another table, ate their food and proceeded to hit on the chef in the kitchen. The chef and I started to go home together, but his girlfriend showed up and tried to separate us.
We went from coffee shop to coffee shop to restaurant with the girlfriend trying to separate us. All the while I had forgotten what part of the city I was in and didn’t know I didn’t need a cab back to my locale. We land in this one restaurant where bf apparently works, and after three hours or so gf gives up and leaves.
Me and bf then pass out on the restaurant floor o be awaken by one of his co-workers. I am still too smashed to remember any of this clearly, but I believe co-worker tried to sober me up before leaving the bf alone. Bf then tries to take me in the back to do the nasty, but I insist on going back to his place because I secretly long for a bed.
We go there, do the deed, and I stumble on home, but first I show him where I live in case he wants to knock on my door at any hour for a booty call.
I pass out for a few hours, wake up sick as a dog and my guts and brain screaming with hangover and shame and regret. I take gravol to sleep and every time I wake up I can barely be in my own skull for how awful I feel. I sleep for a day and a half. When I wake up I realize I forgot to call my father on his birthday.
That isn’t even the worst of my binging episodes, this isn’t the first time I’ve woken up and realized I have to stop drinking. I feel like I am filled with ash, I am scared I ran into people who know where I work and I will be busted, I am paranoid every face I look at knows what I did.
If I tell my friends the story will be diluted with time and they will forgive me and I will forgive myself with time and forget how awful I feel now and I will drink again. My friends know I have a drinking problem, but they think I just have to drink less. I can will myself on two or three outings not to drink as much, but by the fourth or fifth I almost always binge.
I don’t feel like I deserve to go to AA, and it would be difficult to go there where I am at. But I’d like to talk to people here for a while.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
((((slitheytoves)))) That must have been very hard to write. Please know that you are not alone. We have all done things we would never do sober while on a binge. Please know that you do deserve to belong to AA, you deserve to get better and be happy. For know, just don't drink, and work on forgiving yourself for being sick.
Cathy
Cathy
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Wow.. that was hard to read.. I can't imagine how hard it was to write.
You deserve to get better, and to live better.
Please stick around, it's great here..
And thank you for the harsh reminder of what this can do, to any of us..
I'm thinking good thoughts for you, I hope today is nice
You deserve to get better, and to live better.
Please stick around, it's great here..
And thank you for the harsh reminder of what this can do, to any of us..
I'm thinking good thoughts for you, I hope today is nice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 6
Thanks! I ate chocolate for myself today.
I am feeling really bad for the bar staff and the gf. And my father. Yikes, two days and quite a list of wrong doings. God only knows what the people who gave me their food felt. It was actually really easy to write that story. The difficult part was re-reading it here on this board and realizing it was me who did this. I usually go off on my own when I get particularly bent (though my friends do occasionally let me know I've done something particularly off) so it's hard to get a feel for just how awful my behavior was.
I quit drinking for two years. It was really lonely. Ah yeah, that first time I think I got taken to my parents home by the cops, and I sat hung over at my place of work wondering if I wanted to be that sleazy old couger all lipstick and worn around the eyes all alone. Two years of sobriety and saying no to social functions ends in me giving up one christmas and drinking with the family. Now I never called myself an alcoholic, but I still thought I had to quit drinking. After I started drinking again it only took a few months before I was doing rediculously self destructive things again.
I am currently well on my way to becoming that couger and no happier than I was when I quit quiting the first time. But sobriety is miserable and lonely. How do you folks avoid being lonely?
I am feeling really bad for the bar staff and the gf. And my father. Yikes, two days and quite a list of wrong doings. God only knows what the people who gave me their food felt. It was actually really easy to write that story. The difficult part was re-reading it here on this board and realizing it was me who did this. I usually go off on my own when I get particularly bent (though my friends do occasionally let me know I've done something particularly off) so it's hard to get a feel for just how awful my behavior was.
I quit drinking for two years. It was really lonely. Ah yeah, that first time I think I got taken to my parents home by the cops, and I sat hung over at my place of work wondering if I wanted to be that sleazy old couger all lipstick and worn around the eyes all alone. Two years of sobriety and saying no to social functions ends in me giving up one christmas and drinking with the family. Now I never called myself an alcoholic, but I still thought I had to quit drinking. After I started drinking again it only took a few months before I was doing rediculously self destructive things again.
I am currently well on my way to becoming that couger and no happier than I was when I quit quiting the first time. But sobriety is miserable and lonely. How do you folks avoid being lonely?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
What was truly lonely was being held hostage by my addiction. I could be lonely in a room full of people. Now I am free...free of shame, regret and self hatred. The world is a huge place full of many wonderful people...believe it or not many people never give alcohol a second thought. Once you put down the bottle the world has a way of opening up to show you all the possibilities.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Same way as drunk people do.. just sober Oh, and in other places than bars. Online, at the gym, at work, out with other friends, at the bookstore, etc.....
I haven't been lonely, luckily.. I finally found out who my real friends were, and they are not alcoholics, and drinking only played a role in our 'socializing' if I wanted to drink. Sobriety opened up a new beautiful side of friendship I had missed, and also forces me to see outside of someone's "bar face" when I meet them new.
I hope you get some support, it doesn't sound like you pursued extra help during your prior sober time (please tell me if I'm wrong...). Doesn't have to be AA, but I do know that it helps a lot of people, just not me
Oh, and in other places than bars. Online, at the gym, at work, out with other friends, at the bookstore, etc..... I haven't been lonely, luckily.. I finally found out who my real friends were, and they are not alcoholics, and drinking only played a role in our 'socializing' if I wanted to drink. Sobriety opened up a new beautiful side of friendship I had missed, and also forces me to see outside of someone's "bar face" when I meet them new.
I hope you get some support, it doesn't sound like you pursued extra help during your prior sober time (please tell me if I'm wrong...). Doesn't have to be AA, but I do know that it helps a lot of people, just not me
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi,
I'm glad you decided to write your story as I hope it will help you to begin to heal.
There are many ways to meet people when you're sober. My sobriety date coincided with a move to a new city, where English was not the language. I was so fortunate, the first week, to fall into a volunteer position, working with street women. They taught me how to speak the language and shared their inspiring stories. My life was forever changed and I made some amazing friends.
I'm glad you decided to write your story as I hope it will help you to begin to heal.
There are many ways to meet people when you're sober. My sobriety date coincided with a move to a new city, where English was not the language. I was so fortunate, the first week, to fall into a volunteer position, working with street women. They taught me how to speak the language and shared their inspiring stories. My life was forever changed and I made some amazing friends.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Sure, I think sobriety can bring us to a negative place. But that is because it makes us face the problems we have been using alcohol to run away from. So, it's natural that when the booze is gone, there are the problems in our face again.
Try to see the discomfort you feel while sober as a chance to work on those problems. Because, you CAN work on them and solve them and if you can't solve them, you can learn how to accept them.
Try to see the discomfort you feel while sober as a chance to work on those problems. Because, you CAN work on them and solve them and if you can't solve them, you can learn how to accept them.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
Do give AA a good try, if possible. This site is a valuable resource for many, myself included. As far as being lonely sober... I was lonely while drinking, at least lonely sober brings no regrets or shame. I'm not very social anyway, older and like staying at home with my dogs, so being alone sober is just alright with me.
Do check out any sober happenings/events you can dig up. But giving AA a try can get you on the sober social track. Do come here often. Read and post and ask questions and learn. I am always hopeful that someone may read of my mistakes and not make them. If my experiences can save just one person from the shame and self loathing and dangers of drinking, I'll be happy.
Welcome to a great place! Just don't drink FOR TODAY. You can only live one day at a time so why not get sober the same way?
:ghug3
Do check out any sober happenings/events you can dig up. But giving AA a try can get you on the sober social track. Do come here often. Read and post and ask questions and learn. I am always hopeful that someone may read of my mistakes and not make them. If my experiences can save just one person from the shame and self loathing and dangers of drinking, I'll be happy.
Welcome to a great place! Just don't drink FOR TODAY. You can only live one day at a time so why not get sober the same way?
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
You said a lot with a few words! I feel like you reminded many of us how similar our experiences have been. Hopefully, in time, you will see the same! Early sobriety can be a challenge. We have to feel again, some of us for the first time in many years, and it HURTS! Please take into consideration the feelings will not kill you and they WILL pass. Your loneliness in time will pass. Hang there, you have an ocean of support at your fingertips, not to mention the AA/NA fellowships(et.al.). Use as many resources as you can....
Sooner or later you could come to find you can be by yourself yet never be alone!
Do all you able to do and DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!
The miracle will happen.....................
A
Sooner or later you could come to find you can be by yourself yet never be alone!
Do all you able to do and DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!
The miracle will happen.....................
A
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 6
Thanks for all the support here, folks. This is huge. And with the best emotocons, too!!
I hope you don't mind this add on, but I have another miserable story. I need to read these stories to make them real for me. I somehow dismiss them when they are just in my head. But if I can post hem here and hear you folks affirm I do need help, it makes it real. You might be reading them thinking "how on eath could she not realize she has a problem," but I somehow rationalize them away.
Today, apart from work and brief forays to get some food, I have been avoiding all human contact. Oddly, I think the more I talk to my friends the more I want to drink. My friends do drink, yes, but they don’t drink like I drink. They have a couple of beers and go home. Or they have many beers and go home happy. They don’t do what I do. It’s not like they encourage me to drink, it’s just they are so normal and forgiving of everything I do I forget how awful everything I did is.
I also feel freakishly obligated to drink with some of my friends. Drinking is a big part of the culture here (probably because it’s the only legitimate way to let lose) so those people who like you want to drink with you to say what they really feel.
You know those imagined scenarios you have in your mind, like little mini conversations you plan on having with people that never really happen. I find those are killer for weakening my resolve! I imagine explaining to my friends I am not going to drink and by the end of my scenario I am just so overwhelmed with all of the possible highly convincing reasons my friends might give me to drink (and they probably would never mention a single one, they would just continue as if I was drinking) that I have almost given up and I haven’t even left my apartment. I have got to stop thinking those scenarios.
So I am hiding out for a while. I’m bloody lucky I am able to do that!
I am not worried about drinking today or tomorrow or on the weekdays. I am afraid of the weekends. I am just trying to stay close to the computer so I can remember all of my regret.
The last drinking binge I had before this one I remember going into a chicken restaurant and hitting on this older man. Then a period of blackness. Then I am sitting outside this restaurant, realizing I don’t have my bag with my passport in it, and when I look up I realize I can’t remember which restaurant I was in. I ask some passerby for help, he takes me to a hotel, we pass out, have sex the next morning and he takes off while I’m in the shower, leaving me a dollar on the nightstand so I can use the subway.
Now that one was difficult to write. When I tell my friends these stories I tell them with full disclosure but in such a way they are somehow funny. And I don’t tell the friends I feel would be ashamed of me. At least not with full disclosure.
I hope you don't mind this add on, but I have another miserable story. I need to read these stories to make them real for me. I somehow dismiss them when they are just in my head. But if I can post hem here and hear you folks affirm I do need help, it makes it real. You might be reading them thinking "how on eath could she not realize she has a problem," but I somehow rationalize them away.
Today, apart from work and brief forays to get some food, I have been avoiding all human contact. Oddly, I think the more I talk to my friends the more I want to drink. My friends do drink, yes, but they don’t drink like I drink. They have a couple of beers and go home. Or they have many beers and go home happy. They don’t do what I do. It’s not like they encourage me to drink, it’s just they are so normal and forgiving of everything I do I forget how awful everything I did is.
I also feel freakishly obligated to drink with some of my friends. Drinking is a big part of the culture here (probably because it’s the only legitimate way to let lose) so those people who like you want to drink with you to say what they really feel.
You know those imagined scenarios you have in your mind, like little mini conversations you plan on having with people that never really happen. I find those are killer for weakening my resolve! I imagine explaining to my friends I am not going to drink and by the end of my scenario I am just so overwhelmed with all of the possible highly convincing reasons my friends might give me to drink (and they probably would never mention a single one, they would just continue as if I was drinking) that I have almost given up and I haven’t even left my apartment. I have got to stop thinking those scenarios.
So I am hiding out for a while. I’m bloody lucky I am able to do that!
I am not worried about drinking today or tomorrow or on the weekdays. I am afraid of the weekends. I am just trying to stay close to the computer so I can remember all of my regret.
The last drinking binge I had before this one I remember going into a chicken restaurant and hitting on this older man. Then a period of blackness. Then I am sitting outside this restaurant, realizing I don’t have my bag with my passport in it, and when I look up I realize I can’t remember which restaurant I was in. I ask some passerby for help, he takes me to a hotel, we pass out, have sex the next morning and he takes off while I’m in the shower, leaving me a dollar on the nightstand so I can use the subway.
Now that one was difficult to write. When I tell my friends these stories I tell them with full disclosure but in such a way they are somehow funny. And I don’t tell the friends I feel would be ashamed of me. At least not with full disclosure.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
