New Here and looking for support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
New Here and looking for support
I am so happy that I found this site. I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place or not, and am looking for a little direction from those in the know. I have felt very alone for a long time now. After doing quite a bit of reading here, I have come to the realization that I have played a major role in what has happened in my home in regards to my relationship with my addict boyfriend. Unfortunately, it seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. I never knew that I was rescuing, enabling and trying to control everything by thinking I had the power to fix him and his problems. I didn't realize that I was such a huge part of the problem, and have been suffering needlessly.
I finally had enough in the beginning of December and made him leave the house. He is an opiate addict, alcoholic with Bipolar Disorder which has been left untreated for years. He is charming and intelligent and has such a way with words that I often think if I could only get rid of his addiction and treat the Bipolar and addiction we could have a blissful life. I realize now that I was only fooling myself, and he knows it too. Although he was very agreeable about getting help, he spent more time here than at his new place, attended AA, and signed up for help at the local mental health facility to get help for his Bipolar.
It was all a big game I think. He has been using, and of course when I call him on it, he swears up and down that he isn't, that I'm not supportive, that he's doing everything in his power, and humanly possible to do the right thing by me so that we can restore our relationship. When he came by Friday night, he was so out of it that I didn't make him leave because I was afraid he would kill himself or someone else on his motorcycle. Saturday morning, he was passed out on my porch and I confronted him about what he was on, to which he steadfastly proclaimed innocence and of course his usual explanation of using Benadryll for allergies. A quick look through his belongings revealed narcotic painkillers and somas. I could not stand it a second longer and demanded he leave.
About twenty minutes later he called and said he needed help. He had been pulled over and didnt have his license on him, and the police wouldn't let him drive his bike. I told him I was getting ready for work and unable to come to his aid. To make a long story short, he was arrested for possession of controlled substances. He is on probation for a DUI over the summer and is also only able to drive because of a hardship license that was paid for through sacrifice by family members.
Of course the phone rang early this morning, with the begging and pleading to just get him out of jail, after thanking ME because he's in jail. He needs to get out today because he has an appointment tomorrow for consideration in a long term treatment program. Of course another emergency, crisis, drama, trauma...the story of our life together.
Of course this is all weighing heavily on my mind and although there is a part of me that despises him, I also feel sorry for him, wish to see him well, and want to help. Not sure what I am supposed to do that will truly help me.
I would appreciate any and all feedback, advice or suggestions.
I finally had enough in the beginning of December and made him leave the house. He is an opiate addict, alcoholic with Bipolar Disorder which has been left untreated for years. He is charming and intelligent and has such a way with words that I often think if I could only get rid of his addiction and treat the Bipolar and addiction we could have a blissful life. I realize now that I was only fooling myself, and he knows it too. Although he was very agreeable about getting help, he spent more time here than at his new place, attended AA, and signed up for help at the local mental health facility to get help for his Bipolar.
It was all a big game I think. He has been using, and of course when I call him on it, he swears up and down that he isn't, that I'm not supportive, that he's doing everything in his power, and humanly possible to do the right thing by me so that we can restore our relationship. When he came by Friday night, he was so out of it that I didn't make him leave because I was afraid he would kill himself or someone else on his motorcycle. Saturday morning, he was passed out on my porch and I confronted him about what he was on, to which he steadfastly proclaimed innocence and of course his usual explanation of using Benadryll for allergies. A quick look through his belongings revealed narcotic painkillers and somas. I could not stand it a second longer and demanded he leave.
About twenty minutes later he called and said he needed help. He had been pulled over and didnt have his license on him, and the police wouldn't let him drive his bike. I told him I was getting ready for work and unable to come to his aid. To make a long story short, he was arrested for possession of controlled substances. He is on probation for a DUI over the summer and is also only able to drive because of a hardship license that was paid for through sacrifice by family members.
Of course the phone rang early this morning, with the begging and pleading to just get him out of jail, after thanking ME because he's in jail. He needs to get out today because he has an appointment tomorrow for consideration in a long term treatment program. Of course another emergency, crisis, drama, trauma...the story of our life together.
Of course this is all weighing heavily on my mind and although there is a part of me that despises him, I also feel sorry for him, wish to see him well, and want to help. Not sure what I am supposed to do that will truly help me.
I would appreciate any and all feedback, advice or suggestions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
Thank You. I am so confused about what to do next, afraid to make the wrong decisions. I reread my post and realized that I didn't mention that I do Love my bf, fantasize about everything working out, and am feeling very torn about just walking away, ending the relationship and moving on. I don't want him to suffer by leaving him in jail, but also know that getting him out is not necessarily the answer. If you're doing the right thing in regards to dealing with these issues, shouldn't it feel better?
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
nice to meet you, bmy. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict, so i can relate to a lot of what you are feeling today. have you thought about attending alanon meetings?
please remember this about your boyfriend's addiction (the 3 c's of alanon) -
you didn't cause it.
you can't cure it.
you cannot control it.
you do have choices though, on how you allow it to affect your life.
take good care of YOURSELF, and keep reaching out, k
(oh, and in my humble opinion - he is right where he's supposed to be today. getting him out of jail will not help.)
please remember this about your boyfriend's addiction (the 3 c's of alanon) -
you didn't cause it.
you can't cure it.
you cannot control it.
you do have choices though, on how you allow it to affect your life.
take good care of YOURSELF, and keep reaching out, k
(oh, and in my humble opinion - he is right where he's supposed to be today. getting him out of jail will not help.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
I had the feeling I had truly stumbled into the place I need to be when I found this site. I feel very encouraged by all the things I have been reading for the last few days. At the same time, I am feeling great sadness and loneliness which surprises me, because usually I am much more stressed when I am around him than when I am not. I do feel compassion that he is locked up right now, but also relief that I won't be having any crazy surprises when I get home from work tonight. I don't have to hide my purse, my keys or play detective. I will be looking into meetings in my area tomorrow when I have a day off.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
He's where he needs to be, and you can't save him (but I think you know that 
)
The Friends and Family forum might also be helpful to you, lots of people there that have unfortunately experienced similar things.
Welcome here I'm glad you found us too!
)The Friends and Family forum might also be helpful to you, lots of people there that have unfortunately experienced similar things.
Welcome here
I'm glad you found us too!
Drunkaholic
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Channelview, TX (Houston)
Posts: 514
As others have said, immerse yourself in this website (and others) to learn more about what you can do for yourself.
I also suggest the Alanon route too. Go to a meeting (or 20) and learn from others, ask questions, share your story if you can, and someone will hopefully connect with you if you feel to shy to connect with someone yourself.
I believe everyone has a shot at sobriety. Just hope that your BF realizes all that he stands to lose once you learn what you can do for yourself.
Stay strong, there are a lot of people with experience here dealing with what you are going through and a lot of addicts (of all sorts) to help with you understand the nature and behaviors of an addict.
You are so right to seek help and never think by protecting yourself that you are betraying your BF or your relationship.
I also suggest the Alanon route too. Go to a meeting (or 20) and learn from others, ask questions, share your story if you can, and someone will hopefully connect with you if you feel to shy to connect with someone yourself.
I believe everyone has a shot at sobriety. Just hope that your BF realizes all that he stands to lose once you learn what you can do for yourself.
Stay strong, there are a lot of people with experience here dealing with what you are going through and a lot of addicts (of all sorts) to help with you understand the nature and behaviors of an addict.
You are so right to seek help and never think by protecting yourself that you are betraying your BF or your relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
In jail he will at least detox, then he has a chance to really become sober, if he wants to. When he gives you a hard time about not bailing him out, tell him this. Of course his family may bail him out anyway.
Lots of great advice here,
Lots of great advice here,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: West Central Florida
Posts: 27
I just got home from work, it was a very long day and I am exhausted. I can't believe the range of emotions I seem to be cycling through. I am sooo angry, bitter, and just plain pissed off, and the next minute I feel heartbroken, sad and guilty. Not really sure what I'm feeling from one minute to the next.
I spoke to his parents about the bail situation and his Dad said he's not bailing him out of trouble anymore. He has come to his rescue his entire life and he is finished. Of course my bf was beyond himself when hearing that no one is coming to get him out, screaming, yelling, threatening etc. I've also been told it wouldn't be helpful anyway because he is apparently going to be charged with violation of probation. I've been told that he may not even make it out the front door of the jail before being re-arrested.
I just wanted to say thanks to all that have shared their stories, advice and experiences with loving and living with an addict. It is giving me hope
I spoke to his parents about the bail situation and his Dad said he's not bailing him out of trouble anymore. He has come to his rescue his entire life and he is finished. Of course my bf was beyond himself when hearing that no one is coming to get him out, screaming, yelling, threatening etc. I've also been told it wouldn't be helpful anyway because he is apparently going to be charged with violation of probation. I've been told that he may not even make it out the front door of the jail before being re-arrested.
I just wanted to say thanks to all that have shared their stories, advice and experiences with loving and living with an addict. It is giving me hope
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