Gypsy Feet

I am already glad I found you all. A year ago the Alzheimers forums were my life line (I was primary care giver for my grand father until he died), and I find myself once again unable to cope on my own.

I am 42, and have been drinking since I was 15 minus a few good years. I have always only been a 6pack at night, 12 pack on the weekends nights girl, no hiding booze or daytime drinking. I beat a gnarly meth addiction 15 years ago cold turkey on my own.

Many of my friends and family are binge/black out drinkers, and I am always the one trying to keep them safe and telling the stories the next day.

Last Saturday (12/27) it was my turn to over indulge. I had a party, woke up the next day with a hellacious headache, and heard a story from my 21 year old daughter. Someone I love very much came out to find me and her husband in a sexual situation, and I believe others who know and love us both were there and encouraging the behavior.

I feel like I will never be able to face myself in a mirror again. This is not me, this is not who I am. I dont remember any of it. I want to not believe it, but I do. I cant talk to my daughter without crying of the shame. I will never be able to face any of the people involved again.

The only way I can see a light anywhere at the end of this mess, the only hope I have, is that I will never drink again so that nothing like this EVER has a chance of happpening again.

I hurt so badly I could die

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I am so sorry for your pain.

Stopping drinking is a good first step. I hope that, some day, you will be able to forgive yourself for things that happened when you were drinking. I did things when I was drinking that I regret too. All you can do is to try to move forward.

I have to say, that the people who were there, and encouraging your behaviour, did not love you. It could be, that when you stop drinking, you will recognize that there are toxic people in your life. That's what happened to me.

I wish you well!

least

Staying sober is the best thing you can do for yourself, besides forgiving yourself. I can empathize with your feelings and would probably feel just the same. But you cannot move forward if you stay in yesterday. Please get help in getting sober, whether it be AA or another recovery program, or just this site. A good start might be an addiction counselor. I go to one once a week and depend on the venting and suggestions and feedback I get from her. It really helps keep me sane in the face of my insane addiction to alcohol.

Please go easier on yourself. Do what you know to be right, and move forward.

I'm glad you found us!:ghug3

Pelican

I think you just experienced your "bottom".

Welcome to the SR family!

Congratulations on kicking the meth addiction and staying clean!

We are here to support you in staying sober. When I found this website, I was doing research on cirrhosis of the liver. I had just learned of a friend being hospitalized with cirrhosis and other alcohol related complications. She and I were the same age. I realized I had given away too much of my life to alcohol. Looking for the next drink, recovering from the hangover, anxiety, and shame were sucking the life out of me.

I found this site and have been sober since that day (131 days ago). The following link was very helpful to me. I hope it helps you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

That post and the book "Under the Influence" helped me to understand that every part of my body had become addicted to daily alcohol consumption. That knowledge helped me to overcome the addiction.

I know your shame is overbearing. Please use this to turn your life into something positive. Get and stay sober and give back to others that need your help in a positive way.

:ghug3

Gypsy Feet

thats the sad thing, I do give back. I take in stray kids and dogs, I volunteer and host family gatherings and love all of these people and would never, ever dream of something like this happening. I feel like I am in am episode of the twilight zone, except for the part about my throat closing in and my chest caving in on me. . .

Dee74

hi UE. Welcome

I think most of us here have done, stupid, even hideous things when drunk. I know I identify. None of us are bad or evil, but we've done some pretty bad or even evil stuff....

I didn't think I could ever get past some of the things I did, but I managed - with time....

The focus should be on you now and being the person you want to be - stop drinking and that will happen - believe me The amends can, and will, come later. In these cases right and proper actions usually speak louder than words

And - you need new friends.

People who encourage you to behave like that are not your friends IMO

D

Staci1825

(People who encourage you to behave like that are not your friends IMO)

I have to agree. Sometimes it's hard to realize our friends aren't as great as we thought. When I tried telling one of my best friends I couldn't keep going to the bar with them, she actually said to me " you don't have a problem, you just drink too much" Well, that IS a problem.
And, yes, I too have done things I am not real proud of when drinking, so, dont be too hard on yourself. Thanks for sharing.

Brian

Everybody here is exactly right. There is nothing you can do to erase history, believe I really wish I could. So no matter what, whatever happened or didn't happen that night is history. What you can control is the present and what actions you take right now will help determine the future. So take care of yourself and use this an unfortunate catalyst for positive change. And stay here, I keep coming and going and so does my drinking.

dave47

Welcome to SR, UE you have found the right place with great support here for you.
As said, we all make mistakes however bad they seem. I can think of a few incidents I was involved in which still make me shudder but you use these as part of the process of sorting yourself out.
You sound like a decent person, keep strong and stick around-best wishes.

CarolD

When I finished my AA Steps 4 & 5...
drinking shame and remorse were removed.

I didn't believe that would happen...but it did..

Welcome to SR....Blessings to you and your family

ExNavyInHouston

I think you will see all this come true if you can continue to stay sober. You are going to find that you have to do some housecleaning of people who you share your time.

For some people that is the hardest part is realizing just how many people enable or encourage them to drink. In a world like that you can find yourself alone pretty fast when you become sober or start a sober house.

Please keep coming back to share with us your struggles and your successes.

yeahgr8

I think its important to explain to the friends that you actually care about the situation and remember that there is a lot of people who think of an alcoholic as one who drinks all day everyday and lives on a bench, so they will say you are not an alcoholic.

I still have one friend after sobering up that i would not have if i had not said quite firmly, after trying to explain several times, that if was a heroin addict would they be saying one hit was ok? And that if they thought that was the case then i could no longer see them ever, i.e. after knowing each other as friends for 7 years do you want to go to being 'the enemy' cos that is what i am saying to you, you idiot!!! lol

One more quick thing, i have a friend neil who still drinks loads and smoke pot, it is a huge effort at the moment for me to be friends with him! I don't feel tempted to drink again, it's just i don't really want to be hanging out at bars everytime he comes to see me! He knows the score and is supportive but it is still a pain and would be easier, maybe without him, but he's my friend, as in the real meaning of the word friend! Would be a lot easier if it was black and white!

uglyeyes sounds like a rick bottom to me, if there ever was one! Hope you use it and get better soon:-)

Gypsy Feet

If this is a rock bottom I will consider myself lucky. I know people who went the "straight-vodka in a sprite bottle, first thing in the morning" route and thats never been me. Honestly, if I got a call from these people and they said "we were just messing with you, it never happened" Id drink for joy~sigh~. I live with a raging drunk, and most of my family drink heavily soooooo I will be a pariah pretty quick, bleh.

Anyone have a favorite forum besides new comers to point me to for the rest of my posts? I have so many question about how to reshape my thinking. I cant imagine fishing without a beer, I need tasty stuff to put in my mouth at night, and god and I are in such a big fight

Anna

If you're ready to stop drinking, then you're in the right place.

I know for me, early sobriety involved a lot of changes, and that included removing a couple of people (family members) from my life. I recognized finally, that they were toxic to me. I had to learn how to say 'no' and stick to boundaries that honoured me.

If you can't imagine fishing without a beer, my suggestion would be to avoid fishing for awhile, until you feel stronger. Changing routines and daily patterns was a big help to me to avoid the triggers in my life.

StrongBird

Ditto that!

Would you normally be fishing today? I don't know where you are but it's not fishing weather here right now anyway. All you have to do to start is not drink TODAY. It really is that simple. And if that means you don't fish today, so be it. Don't weigh yourself down trying to intellectualize how you're going to make this work in the coming weeks, months, years.... the past is history and the future is a mystery. All you have is today. Just don't pick up a drink today.

Gypsy Feet

Haha (ouch), I don't actually fish. I go out and drink and watch people cast. No, normally today I would (and will) hike, do laundry, clean house all without thinking of drinking. This evening I would curl up with a good book and a rum and coke in the hot tub. I am going to try not to wonder what will come of my future Mexico trips, camp outs, etc today and just work on smiling without slapping myself for smiling.

flutter

I had to stay far away from (and still do) the activities I enjoyed while drinking.. unfortunately that was most things. So then I found that I had to do things I normally did while drinking.. cook dinner, talk on the phone, etc, and just did them.

As for the fishing, I doubt the fish will mind your absence for a while

Find new tasty things to drink, apparently my new thing is Sprite.. weird.

Take care of yourself. If you are thinking that this might not "REALLY" be your bottom (such a subjective term really), what could possibly be next? Scary thought.. and motivating maybe. There doesn't have to be a next bad thing.. or a worse place to be.

Welcome, stick around, it's wonderful here!!!!

sacman

Hello all I am new here and glad I found this site.

I to did a stupid thing that totally shamed me. It took me months to even begin to talk about it with those I know. This was easy since I live in a different city than my family and old friends. I could only exchange emails with my dad because I couldn't bring myself to talk with him. During this time I struggled with my drinking which made things even worse.

I finally started to open up an started to call people. Most I spoke to had done a stupid act while drunk. The degree varied, but I heard stories from friends that were very new to me, but I realize they were stories that they were not proud of. I actually became stronger friends with some of them.

In addition as I open up to others I form new strong friendships as I am surprised how many people want to offer their support and help me through this time.

There were of course others who couldn't understand. The comment about being scum of the earth hit me rather hard, but I also understand that this person has been impacted by alcohol.

I still have a way to go, but it has been a lot easier knowing that there are people out there who want to see me make it.

Thanks for your post.

coffeenut

We've all done stupid things that we are ashamed of. All of us. You can change that by stepping up and getting sober. Do you want sobriety that bad?

Welcome to SR. Please stick around. It's a Great Place!

IO Storm

Oh, those horrible blackouts..remorseful mornings.

In AA we call the feelings "incomprehensible demoralization"..

Booze, and black out drinking turned me into Ms. Hyde.

You are so not alone!

Wish I could hug you dear...

The worst thing you could do at this time..would be to drink to forget. And create more chaos.

Getting sober is the first step in making things right, to yourself.

And then others...

Then staying sober, a day at a time.

I go to AA and take the suggested steps of recovery.

Doing so has cleared away the debris.

Good luck, don't give up on yourself.

This can be the catalyst for your new beginning...