Wanderlife

God! This is way too long! I’m so high and drunk. Sorry! I just wanted some opinions, you know? I am 16 years old.
I started drinking when I was 12. My dad has these huge parties on the weekend and there were always lots of half empty glasses and bottles all over the house on Sundays. One morning I chugged a half full glass from the coffee table. I knew what it was and what I was doing. Truth is I just wanted to drink it. I don’t really know why, but I did. I loved the warm feeling that filled my belly. I kept drinking from glasses all Morning till my dad got out of bed in the afternoon. I was smashed by then. I just told him I had a stomach ach and went up to my room. He never even noticed. Maybe he was just too hung over. I started drinking every Sunday and sometimes on Saturday if my dad had his girlfriend and her friends over on Friday and things got messy.
When I was 14 my friend slept over one night and we were drinking and giggling all day and she suggested we take a bottle, almost full into my room before my dad got up. My dad never noticed. I had some left over that Monday and chugged it when I got home from school. I remember thinking I wanted more: It was only about 4oz worth. I felt warm but not really buzzed. He wasn’t home so I filled a large glass from his lickor cabinet .It felt good and that’s all I cared about. It wasn’t long before I realized he had no idea how much booze was left over after his parties, so I started “helping to clean up” and stashing bottles in my room. I even poured random half empty cups of mixed **** into one big bottle to save and drink. I would take a few swigs when I got home from school. It was usually brownish black and tasted gross- Jungle Juice! but I loved that warm feeling. Hey! I was just a kid. I wouln’t drink that **** now! . By 15 I was drinking every night. My dad’s or I’d get older guys to buy it for me. I would chug a half glass as soon as I got home from school then just sip until my dad got home from work in the evening. I needed to stay relatively sober till then. Once he ate had a few beers and started watching TV I would go to my room and get plastered. I also started smoking a fair bit of weed. Our school has junior and high school in the same building. Juniors are not allowed into the high school section but I found a way to sneak over. The high school guys were always willing to share a joint at lunchtime. I look older and started dating a high school guy and we partied with his friends every weekend. His buddy sold weed so we got stoned at school everyday. Weeds good but It didn’t take away my love for booze . I would pass up a joint for a shooter anyday.
I’m 16 now. I don’t drink Jungle juice anymore but I do still steal my dad’s leftovers. I know I have a problem, though I don’t really feel like I do. I just like drinking. I hardly ever get totally hammered on school nights anymore. I just keep a nice buzz going. Am I an alcoholic? Or do I just like to be buzzed.
Weekends is another story! I definatly drink too much on weekends. I get really sloppy and have done some things I regret. I basically drink until I pass out or run out of booze. My boyfriend drinks allot of beer so now I brink beer all day with him too. I used to start later .... I am basically buzzed on beer all day then hit the hard stuff later. I am usually hammered by night time. Lately I noticed that if I don’t have a drink by after dinner I feel really antsy. I guess that means I’m an alcoholic. Thing is I really don’t want to stop, I still love the buzz..but I know I need to cut down.
My new boyfriend is 21. He is gorgeous treats me right and he is totally cool with drinking. We have been going out for about six months. He picks me up after school and hands me a pint in the car. He like beer himself but he knows I like my shots of hard stuff. Then we go somewhere and get a nice buzz on and get intimate. I really get him. Nobody has ever been so good to me. He gives me anything I want. And he is supper sexy too. He sells weed so he has lots of cash and joints for me and my friends. He drinks beer ALL the time but doesn’t get sloppy like me, he has carried me home a few times! He never minds. We love each other. He is my everything!
Sorry I am talking so much! This is longer than I expected. Truth is I am really buzzed now and not just on booze... See…about 4 months ago my boyfriend’s buddy offered us a line of coke at a party. My boyfriend went straight for it. I didn’t even know he did coke. He told me he just did it sometimes and it was cool So I did it too. I really liked it. Allot. We did lines all night and the comedown was not as bad as I had heard. Bonus: with all the talking and doing lines I didn’t drink nearly as much as usual. I woke up without a hangover and felt great. I know I drink way to much on the weekend. My boyfriend just laughs at me but sometimes its embarrassing. Turns out he had been doing coke at parties for awhile and not telling me. Since he knew now that I was cool with it, we started doing coke whenever there was a big party. But before long I was asking him to get some on Saturday nights when it was just us. Just at parties soon turned into us buying some every weekend. Don't think he was a bad influence either! I was the one asking for it. He does more coke now because of me. I tell myself that it helps me to stay in control of my drinking. Which is in fact true. I never get totally hammered when I'm on coke. But I can't get addicted to coke!! Now when he picks me up on Fridays he has a pint and and an eight ball. I can't wait to get that coke buzz and I do a line as soon as I get in the car and it doesn't stop all night. On Saturday's we will do blow and just sip drinks all afternoon if he has the money. Otherwise we save it for the evening. I just really like it. Really buzzed but so on the ball. And I have drank a lot less. Maybe half as much or less! I think I can handle it. I need to just not go over the line: weekends only. Me and my boyfriend promised we would only do it on the weekend and only together.We have kept our promise. I have been handling it. No problem... Until today…..
What happened is that my dad is away with his girlfriend and my boyfriend is visiting his grandparents in another town for a couple of days and this morning I got up and I decided to have a little "me" party : Ceasars for breakfast. I know its wrong, I don't usually drink in the mornings but it feels great!. I had an awsome morning. Had the house to myself playing great tunes getting nicely buzzed and looking out at the snow. How can it be bad when it feels so good?
Well, by 2pm I was pretty drunk and getting sloppy and I just really wanted some coke really bad. If I hadn’t been so drunk I would have held back and kept my promise with my boyfriend. But I didn’t. I called his buddy who knows the dealer. He will tell my boyfriend, I know it! I have been doing lines for about 6 hours now and I don't want to stop. I’m really scared I’m going to get addicted to it. I love this buzzed but on the ball feeling. I only had a few drinks in all that time too, so maybe the coke can help me slow down on my drinking…or maybe I’m just becoming a total mess….Its weird, one part of me loves it and wants to keep going. The other part is like WHAT are you doing! I just did a couple big lines and put the rest away. Not doing anymore I’m gonna stick to one substance. I’ve got ¾ of a 26 oz of gin left. No problem. Well, I know I have a problem but….I really love being buzzed. I’m getting Bs in school. I’m not hurting anyone. I feel in control . Do I really need help? If I just get a slight buzz on school nights and save getting really drunk for the weekend, will I still get liver damage? I’m not doing coke on the week ever again. God I’m already thinking about that baggie in my dresser drawer. I just downed my gin to forget the coke….Not working! Like I can keep it in the house till the weekend.!I might as well do it all up today and that’s it until the weekend and my boyfriend gets back. I really love him. He says don’t worry, just keep it under control. I guess I would not be writing here if I totally believed him…. I know I am an alcoholic, but so far I am pretty much in control. I think I am young enough to be able to cut down on drinking if I need to. And I know I need to before I become a full blown alcoholic….. I’m just not ready yet…. I Don’t wanna become a coke head too…. I really do love the high …sigh… I did take out the baggie. Its too early to just stop now. And I have been so nicely buzzed all day! I don't want it to end. What should I do? Can I reduce my nightly drinking to say 4-5 drinks, just do blow on the weekend and be ok in the long run?

YaySartre

You remind me of myself when I was 16, and I really, really hope you don't wind up like me in 10 years. Please don't be like me in 10 years. Think of me as the Ghost of Christmas Future, at age 26.

I thought I had it all under control, and what's so bad about feeling good? Well, it depends on what's making you feel good. Depending on substances and the attention of any one suitor to make you feel good probably won't last, and the crash is really vicious. I haven't even gotten around to how illegal it all is, especially for you, and especially concerning the cocaine. That seems like the least of it now, but I swear, legal issues are hell, and you do not want them.

There aren't that many old junkies. There's a reason for that. People like us who don't get clean aren't built to last, after what we've done to our bodies or minds. My body is used to having some sort of substance in it, and while I quit drinking just short of 18 days ago, it's screaming to be altered, and I have to tell it no. It's very difficult.

What's really tough is that getting loaded is initially really fun. Some of us fall in love with it. It's like saying goodbye to the coolest, most beautiful boyfriend ever, when all he wants to do is love you. His so-called love is going to kill you. That's the thing. You don't know when it's going to happen. It can progress very quickly. But you will probably not be able to control it. A lot of us are here because we lost control, and that's usually the first thing, or the first step, that we deal with. Under the influence of alcohol, and the aftermath of alcohol, we are out of control and our lives are no longer manageable.

I wish I'd had the awareness to wonder if I was out of control when I was 16, and I am very proud of you for coming here. I hope you'll read a lot of posts here, and I hope you'll become a very strong woman without alcohol influencing your decisions. Don't be lost at 26, like me.

Big hugs. I hope you feel okay, and take the appropriate actions for the best life you can possibly have.

hopeful2009

Sorry to get right to the point, but ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! You will not be okay in the long run if you don't seriously think about changing your lifestyle in the near future. You sound like me when I was 22, just 3 years ago.. I knew I wasn't in control, just like you know, but I tried my hardest to convince myself and everyone around me that I was okay. I now have a huge hole in my nasal septum thanks to all my "fun" times with cocaine, staying up for a couple days at a time and getting totally drunk at the same time. It seems fun while you're doing it, trust me- I know. BUT IT IS SO NOT WORTH IT!! You are already worried about what you've been doing and whether or not it's okay because you know deep down that it's not normal. Trust your instinct and please try to stop. I went to NA (Narcotics Anon.) meetings after about a year and a half of using coke/alcohol. I should have gone earlier, but I convinced/lied to myself by thinking, "it's okay, I'm in college... it will all be okay in the end." I no longer have an obsession with coke, but I still am not completely the same... Please think about your future.. you're so young. Don't let this ruin you...it's much more powerful than you might think.

CarolD

You are already out of control...
IMO
The quicker you stop using alcohol ..drugs and sex
to feel good about yourself...the easier it will be.

Many of us started out just as you.
Sadly...we often went down the alcoholic/addict road
thinking we were so cool and too smart to be addicted.

Absolutely not true. Brain cells die when toxins are used.
Be perpared ...if you don't stop...you will self destruct.

Hope you will find a healthy sober future.

TryingSoHard

Do you really need help? YES.

Will you be ok in the long run if you keep this up? NO.

Also, if your boyfriend is giving you drugs and alcohol - not to mention the fact that he's 21 and you're 16 - he does not have your best interests at heart. Please be very careful (and know that he can go to jail for MANY reasons at this point).

Best wishes and good luck.

TryingSoHard

I'm sorry if that first post of mine sounded blunt and harsh, but you're dealing with some pretty blunt and harsh realities of life, it seems, and sugar-coating it certainly won't help you. If you're here and asking these questions, you must know on some level that things are headed in a horribly wrong direction. I do sincerely hope you can turn things around and make the most of your life. You have your whole life in front of you. It would be a shame for you to throw it away at such a young age.

CarolD

Please read this article for information

How We Get Addicted - TIME

Best of luck...

jh1

wow-couldnt stop reading that story. For me I started much later than you and was only an alcohol abuser-but have been around coke/weed a LOT the last ten years of my life but just never took part-used my friends abusing those as a reason to take more drinks. Either way yes you already are an addict when you need some type of buzz/warm feeling everyday. If your 16 now, can you imagine what 5/10 more years of abusing alcohol,coke will do to your health. By the time your at the young age of 21 youll already have ten years of hard abuse down (with it definitely progressing the next few years) and your insides will prob be hurting big time as well as probably a lot of other bad things happening to you on the way-whether it be with the law, health, doing stupid things that could seriously injure yourself or others, etc. Honestly by the time you get to my age of 27 going your same route-if your still around-i see you being gatewayed into a lot harder drugs than now. I mean if you easily picked up coke and need it now and like it that much, think about down the road when meth or heroine or anything else comes up and then youll be like well this feels really good and i dont even want to do other things when im on heroine or whatever.

Sorry to be blunt, but this is the road your going down, that is for sure. Your going to need more and more and when thats not enough go to something that is. Trust all alcoholics know about needing more and more. Along with all this i found it interesting you said he's not even a bad influence on you (your boyfriend thats 21), well yea when a 21 year old is dating a 16 year old hes going to have an influence on you and I just cant believe an adult is putting you in those situations...but im not even going to get into that because this is about you. I hope you try to make some changes, because you have sooo much in front of you and if would be a shame to see you cracked out, behind bars, on the street, overdosed down the road because it will prob happen. Again seems fun now and you are doing fine in school (i got a masters while drinking quite a bit-lots of alcoholics are functioning and can go days without drinking to get their responsibilities done...for a while before booze take control), but that doesn't mean anything-the future is what its all about and the addictions will overtake you eventually. Anyways, i might of been a little emotional about this, but its just because I care and don't want to see a bright young person throw their life away. Awesome thing is you can change it all around its in your hands. GL and hope you at least think about what some experienced people have to say here.

mikel60

At 16 I thought I had it going on. No one could tell me anything. I hope you're different, but am afraid you're not. Take some advice from a fellow Bostonian who has been through the ringer - get away from the loser boyfriend (he should be in jail) and try to get some help.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I see you travelling the same streets, meeting the same people, and suffering the same fate as many people I've known.

I got out - but not until I was 36. I wouldn't wish my years of misery on anyone. Read what others have said and take care. I hope you're smarter than me.

Mike

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I hope you accept that you have a serious problem and that it would be so beneficial to you to take care of yourself now.

Here are some links you might find helpful:

Teen Links
Family Teens Group - Support For Teens Affected by Alcoholism or Addiction within the Family.
Family Teens - Family Teens Message Board
Miracles In Progress Family Teens Group - For Teens whose lives are adversely effected by Alcoholism within the Family. Webmaster: John Freifeld

least

In my opinion, your life will get much worse if you don't stop your destructive ways. I hope we can encourage you to turn away from this madness before something truly awful happens.

Bamboozle

Hello, Wanderlife. Welcome to SR. Stick around for a while and read a lot, and keep posting. Most people don't stumble onto this site by accident.

James13

Wanderlife,

First off, we care about you. That's what this place is about, and please share whatever is on your mind here.

Based on your detailed information about your drinking, I have seen friends go down that same path you are taking. You obviously know you have a problem, as you have stated, but just recognizing the problem is never enough. What is going to be the result of this problem? You do have a choice of that result.

Sorry if this seems really blunt, but the alcohol and coke that has been given to you by your boyfriend is a serious red flag on that relationship.

You said you are in control. But you have admitted you have a problem, so are you really in control, or are you just telling yourself that? I'm just asking, because I did that. Many, many of us did that.

If we clear our minds, it's amazing what we can see. If you clear your mind, and look at your life right now, it will be easy to see where your current path will take you. I have faith in you that you can do that. It is your choice.

Hevyn

Welcome, Wanderlife, and thanks for telling us about your life. I won't repeat what everyone has already said, you have some great advice. You need to give yourself a chance to live without all that garbage in your system. You can't possibly go through school in this shape - and you need school, you need a normal social life and a chance to grow. I worry about the toll it's taking on your body, too. While you stay anesthetized by your drug of choice, you're not experiencing life, just going through the motions. I sound like "mom" and I don't mean to, but I'd do anything to keep you from destroying yourself. Please let us help you get out of these chains.

Wanderlife

Hi everybody. Thanks for your comments. I know you have my best interest at heart and I will really think about what you said. I don't want a hole in my nose. I'm gonna talk to my boyfriend about the coke. The only thing is that you are totally wrong about him. He is the sweetest guy ever.And he is only 5 years older than me. If I was 21 and he was 26 nobody would say anything. Last night when I ran out of coke I started to hit the bottle hard. I woke up to a kitchen with food all over the counter and a bruised rear end and scratches on my arms and legs. I must have fallen but I don't remember anything! I know: too much. And my hands were shaking really bad. Worst than ever before. I needed to spike my coffee to calm me down. I'm taking it easy today for sure. No coke and just sipping drinks. I know you want me to be totally sober, but drinking is so a part of me. I think its the coke I need to worry about.I do promise not to over do it, though. Thanks again : )

James13

The thing is, Wanderlife, I and so many I know can relate our past to what you are saying here. Sure, everyone is different, and everyone has a different bottom to hit. But certain things almost all of us here have said when we were using are eerily similiar.

As far as your boyfriend, this doesn't really have to do with whether he is nice or not.

Drinking being a "part of you" is your choice. And you don't have to promise us anything. Just care for yourself, love yourself, that's where it all starts. I hope you make the right choice, and we care about you here.

If you need any support or help please come here.

Mariposa18

Wanderlife~ Sweetie, you are 16 years old and have your entire life ahead of you! BUT only if you stop self destructing. I know the Boyfriend seems like a "good guy" to you, but he's enabling a minor and helping you hurt yourself. THAT is NOT love.

My main concern is that if you do not stop this behavior you will be dead before you know it. I'm not trying to be mean and the last thing I want to do is scare you off because I believe this place could help you immensely. Not many people overdose on purpose and drinking plus coke is simply a recipe for disaster.

I hope you stick around here and please know we are all here to help you any way we can. I know it's easier to numb yourself than deal with life, trust me I've been there, but all that will do is either make you a worse addict or put you in an early grave.

Wanderlife

Look, Mariposa my boyfrend is not " enabling a minor", ok?? We are both doing what we both like to do together. That's it. Nobody is forcing anything on me. Talk about ageism!!! AND I'm not freeking numbing myself and not dealing with life. Maybe that's your problem but its not mine.

TryingSoHard

Actually, Wanderlife, he is. And since he is 21 and you are 16 - A MINOR - it is also illegal. It's called contributing to the delinquency of a minor. And any sex you have with him, even if you consent, is also illegal. He is a legal adult. You are not. It's not ageism, it's the law.

coming_clean

I kinda started out like you, not with the same scene with ur dad's and all, but with the same mentally. First drinking, then smoking pot too. Then smoking every day, then starting to pop pills, speed, shrooms.

Look at me now, in two days i'm gonna be 25, and i'm a mess.

When ur 16 u think you're gonna live forever, and that nothing can destroy you. Guess again......