Philly

I was wondering and have heard it mentioned many times what exactly is the actions of "crossing that fine line". I know I did many alcoholic things such as drinking to relieve a hangover, blacking out, drinking several days in a row from morning to night, hiding liquor etc. Did I absolutly cross the line with no turning back? This is one of many questions I have yet to answer.

coffeenut

Interesting.

The only 'no turning back' I see is with my sobriety. I will not turn back.

I think the line is different for everyone.

Anna

The line is an invisible line. When an addict crosses that line, there is no going back to normal drinking.

If you don't know if you're an alcoholic, try stopping drinking for a fixed period of time and you'll likely get your answer.

James13

Personally, I feel that there is no line.

It's either who we are, or who we aren't, that makes us an addict/alcoholic. If we always have the ability to change, which we all do, then there always can be change, if we want it bad enough.

There is never any "going back". There is only staying where we are, or moving forward. But living in the now.

Philly

Thanks all,

By going back I meant to normal drinking which I did for many years. The problem is I didn't like it much back then and could take it or leave it. The past few years I really liked drinking and now I am obsessed with not drinking which is obvious since I am on this site.

least

I don't know when or where I crossed 'that line' into alcoholism, but I do know that my drinking will always produce the same results: shame, regret, self loathing, not to mention the dangers that haven't happened to me 'yet'. I think the idea that I was an alcoholic had been in my mind for a while but I hadn't admitted it to myself. I do remember waking up one morning and feeling so awful I drank a lot of wine to take away the shakes and agitation, and ended up being half drunk at ten in the morning. I knew I couldn't drink like normal social drinkers and that I needed to quit drinking altogether. It took me many months to actually quit, but having quit, my life is getting better and I don't want to go 'back there'.

James13

For me, if it wasn't getting high, it would have been somthing else. That was just my first choice. And I did use other things.

An all around lifestyle change is what I need to do now. I can quit my DOC, but that doesn't fix my problem on it's own.

TryingSoHard

Ok, I was all set to respond to the "invisible line" topic until I read this.

This sentence makes my mind spin, because it's something I've been thinking about for a few months now. See, I didn't USED TO have a problem with alcohol. I've been drinking alcohol since my late teenage years... but in a completely normal way. Sure, I'd overdo it every once in a GREAT while, but until about 4 years ago I never even got hangovers. I drank if I wanted to, and when I didn't want to I didn't give it a second thought. I could have beer or wine with dinner, or I could say, "Nah, tonight I just want <something else>."

Then, about 2 or 2 1/2 years ago, things began to change. I started to notice that it took more alcohol to make me feel buzzed. I started to notice that I could drink A LOT more than the people I was with. Then I started wondering if that meant I was drinking "too much", so instead of drinking the liquor that was on the kitchen counter or in the liquor cabinet - and having someone notice just how much I drank - I started keeping my own private stash, hidden in my room. Yes, once or twice I thought to myself, "Huh. Keeping a stash can't be good... Oh well, f* it, I don't care." At this point, though, I still wasn't drinking every day or anything like that. I just didn't want anyone hassling me about how much I chose to drink. Over the course of about a year or 18 months, that turned into me drinking ALMOST daily, starting at about 4 or 5 p.m., sneaking drinks, lying, and planning my schedule around when I could and couldn't drink. About the last 6 months of this was when I decided things had to change, but whenever I tried to stop the longest I could go was 3 or 4 days. By day 4 I was just BESIDE MYSELF wanting that escape. That's when I found SR.

I've OFTEN wondered - if I changed to get to that point, why can't I change again to get back to how I used to be? I didn't used to be this way. I swear I didn't. I used to be just like the rest of the normal drinkers of the world.

James13

Because getting back to how you used to be isn't change.


Glad we are thinking about this together today.

Philly

TSH,

I could of written what you said and my experience in the early stages was the same. I am 49 years old and most of my life I have drank normally. But hiding it and the fact that we needed more is a sign of a problem. I have never tried to stop before because I really didn't want to. I was sort of forced into this because my kids were threating with an intervention. Since I was hiding it no one even me realized how much I was drinking. Most of the time I drank openly but it just wasn't enough and I felt I should be able to drink as much as I wanted.

TryingSoHard

Wow. I could have written that.

If my husband (or whatever company I was in) was having a beer/wine/drink, I'd join them... and then I'd run to my room and drink more. All THEY saw was whatever I had openly with them, but my consumption was much higher. I was very good at hiding and pretending.

So is there really no going back? I've changed somehow, and I can never be who I used to be? That honestly does boggle my mind. I have a HARD TIME accepting that something in me is fundamentally different than it was 3 years ago. That I can't be "normal" again, when I was for 35 years.

TryingSoHard

Why not? What is it, then?

Philly

I don't know if we can ever be normal drinkers again and I am not ready to find out. My goal is to stay sober at least a year - (I am at 159 days right now) and then I will decide if I need some more research and development. I would like to be able to have 2 glasses of wine or a cosmo but I am afraid it will leave me wanting more. So right now I am at the point of why bother drinking anything. I am relatively sure I will not drink alcoholically but according to others I may not be able to stop and that scares me more than the satisfaction of having a couple drinks.

TryingSoHard

2 months ago I was where you are, Philly. Today is my 90th day sober and I am struggling more now than ever. I'm not sure why. I'm in the "pi$$ed off" stage - I feel that it's NOT FAIR and I'm very angry.

Ironically, I woke up today feeling SERIOUSLY hungover. No, I did not drink any alcohol last night, or do anything else altering. I was 100% sober. And I feel horrid. I wonder if it's my mind's way of fighting back from all the crap thinking I've had going on this past week, trying to remind me of what life was like for all that time.

Thanks, y'all, for talking this through with me. I'm really glad you started this thread, Philly.

Omega Man

I did everything you mentioned: drinking to relieve a hangover, blacking out, drinking several days in a row from morning to night, hiding liquor, and I too still questioned whether I had crossed the line.

Now add in; "kids threaten an intervention" and "even I didn't realise how much I was drinking".

Only you can decide if you crossed the line, but I think with what you posted; you already know the answer to that.

Philly

Omega,

I am 100% certain that I crossed the line but what truly bothers me is the question of whether I can drink normal again ( go back to the other side of the line) like I did for most of my life or did I just get carried away. I think this is my alcoholic mind trying to get me to drink again. I need to gather as much evidence as possible because I don't want to try and see if I can control it because I don't handle failure very well.

shaun00

hi philly..i guess you could ask a thousand people that question and your gonna get a thousand answers..
We are all different and with me my thoughts around alcoholism change the longer i stay sober...and reflect on my drinking.
Looking back...when i took that first morning drink to settle my nerves..my fate was sealed..
But i also believe that i was NEVER gonna be a normal drinker..
Most things that make me feel.. high...warm...sleepy...happy etc i have done to excess.
Yes im chronic alcoholic............but i have the potential to be addicted to alot of other "stuff" if i dont practice a program.
So for me there never was a line to cross....i just went straight to excess.
WHY?.........only god knows that and it wouldnt matter if i knew....i still have a addictive personality or gene or what ever you wanna call it.

jh1

i honestly dont think there was one moment. I mean when i first started drinking i couldnt handle much at all and was drinkin zima's in HS with my friends before parties cuz we didn't like beer. ha. But, i mean throughout college I always drank way too much when i went out-to the point i often couldnt remember lots of the night...and that was always how it was. So, I always had a problem with controlling quantity-then college passed and then solo drinking came. I always could control the not drinking for 3-5 days, a lot of this was because I was pretty hungover for a few of those days and when i have responsibilities the next day (work/test/etc.) i always could pass on booze. But to me it was a natural progression, there was no specific incident or time.

Omega Man

I'll just be blunt, you've admitted your across the line, so stop thinking! The mental battle of, can I, can't I control it; isn't worth it. You'll drive yourself nuts.

I tried it for years, to get back across the line and enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or cold beer after mowing the lawn. Every single time, without fail, sooner or later I would find myself on the unfriendly side of the line. One beer would lead to a case, etc.

And your right, it is your "alcoholic mind" playing games with you - it's called obesssion. The obsession to drink like a normal person. Don't believe it, it's not worth it.

You've got 5 months sober! I would kill for that right now. I should have a year sober right now, but I spent the past year searching for answers to the questions your asking right now.

Congrats on your sober time, I wish you luck.

Dee74

I remember a time when I controlled my drinking too, and I'd be a liar if I said I never wished I could go back - but it's a premise built on a lie - one of the things I've discovered, with a bit of time and distance, was that I was *never* a normal drinker....the idea of a single glass of anything *never* occurred to me.

I realise now I almost always drank to fix something - I was too shy, too scared, too angry, too stressed...and I always drank to alter my reality, however subtly.

I have no reason to suspect I'd do it any different now, if I went back.

D