Alive
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Alive
Hi.
Alive is nuno by the way.Just for the ones closer.
I've had a horrible year. In my better moments i'm able to recognize what i went through this year would be enough to be proud just by being here still.
But really if i were to measure by all my life i wouldn't be here either, cuz i destroyed all of it. Dealing with that is a process.
You know something? I live because i still love the little i live. And it's not because of my career, because of money, anything. Sure i'd love to have stuff, but it's not it. Because in every time i was almost dead, and that is close to hundreds, i always survived for some reason.
The other day i was on one of my attempts and one of my fish started dying. I took him out of the fish tank, but didn't throw him out. Someone was with me and stood with the fish out of water and i screamed: stop, he's not dead. The other day he was alive and swimming. I put him back and he died a day after. He lived a whole another day just because of his will to live. But all of my animals always teach me something. Something holds them to life, they don't have the same problems of dealing with the past we do, so they simply hold on to life, because that's all they have. And isn't it what we have? Even if we have a brain and a more developed spirit, in the end, life is all we have.
.
And i've gambled my life so many times. It's true, i never really wanted to die. But even today i ran to the supermarket to get my cocktail ingredients because i know the anxiety kills me inside and i don't know how to COPE. because the pain feels unbearable.
So many have died. I met people years ago that had plans to die. They always told me i didn't sound like them, because i had hope.
I am tired of suicide attempts. I really am. I have this awful anxiety problem, i don't take anything and i have stomach problems from the abuse of pills. I've had so much physical violence this year that i no longer know what pain is what.
You know what. I am grateful
from the domestic violence i could have died ,
from the cocktails i could have died
from standing on my window how many times drugged, i could have died
from all the people i met that could have killed me
I am freakin' blessed man...I mean. How many have done a tenth of what i did to myself and did not survive.
That's why i changed my name. Because Alive is all i have. I might be broken, but i won't stand that way. I say this with tears on my eyes, because it's been really, really hard. I feel alone here.
I stood on my balcony today and i thought i was drugged enough to quit and yet i felt so much better when i just laid on the ground on top of a pillow, instead. And i thought wow...there's still things i want to do.
i guess if you ask me if i believe in anything. i believe in hope.
It's just, that something tells me i will find this inner peace i've been searching. It just looks like someone is saying stay...you know....probably it's me...lol...and it's right
Alive is nuno by the way.Just for the ones closer.
I've had a horrible year. In my better moments i'm able to recognize what i went through this year would be enough to be proud just by being here still.
But really if i were to measure by all my life i wouldn't be here either, cuz i destroyed all of it. Dealing with that is a process.
You know something? I live because i still love the little i live. And it's not because of my career, because of money, anything. Sure i'd love to have stuff, but it's not it. Because in every time i was almost dead, and that is close to hundreds, i always survived for some reason.
The other day i was on one of my attempts and one of my fish started dying. I took him out of the fish tank, but didn't throw him out. Someone was with me and stood with the fish out of water and i screamed: stop, he's not dead. The other day he was alive and swimming. I put him back and he died a day after. He lived a whole another day just because of his will to live. But all of my animals always teach me something. Something holds them to life, they don't have the same problems of dealing with the past we do, so they simply hold on to life, because that's all they have. And isn't it what we have? Even if we have a brain and a more developed spirit, in the end, life is all we have.
.
And i've gambled my life so many times. It's true, i never really wanted to die. But even today i ran to the supermarket to get my cocktail ingredients because i know the anxiety kills me inside and i don't know how to COPE. because the pain feels unbearable.
So many have died. I met people years ago that had plans to die. They always told me i didn't sound like them, because i had hope.
I am tired of suicide attempts. I really am. I have this awful anxiety problem, i don't take anything and i have stomach problems from the abuse of pills. I've had so much physical violence this year that i no longer know what pain is what.
You know what. I am grateful
from the domestic violence i could have died ,
from the cocktails i could have died
from standing on my window how many times drugged, i could have died
from all the people i met that could have killed me
I am freakin' blessed man...I mean. How many have done a tenth of what i did to myself and did not survive.
That's why i changed my name. Because Alive is all i have. I might be broken, but i won't stand that way. I say this with tears on my eyes, because it's been really, really hard. I feel alone here.
I stood on my balcony today and i thought i was drugged enough to quit and yet i felt so much better when i just laid on the ground on top of a pillow, instead. And i thought wow...there's still things i want to do.
i guess if you ask me if i believe in anything. i believe in hope.
It's just, that something tells me i will find this inner peace i've been searching. It just looks like someone is saying stay...you know....probably it's me...lol...and it's right
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Wow..Nuno..This really hit me hard.
Me and you havent really talked like we use to.
So I really dont know what has really been going on. But honestly..I dont need to.
I know what a great..talented..sensitive..hopeful..smart..inspir ing person you are.
You know it too. I went to your page the other day and really listened your songs.
There is so much emotion in them. So much hope and life in some of the words.
I was moved at one point because I was feeling it.
You are here for a reason. As I believe we all are. And we do need to be thankful that we do get these many chances. Because your right...There are so many that dont even do anything near the things we do and dont make it. And by no fault of their own. I think about that myself alot. Why I can still be here when I see people like my cousin suffering with Lupus and she has never even tried a cigarette and she always does the good thing. So why do I get to be so lucky?
There are alot of people who care about you here. Me being one of them. And even if I dont stay on top of whats going on with you...I really do think about how you are alot.
You are an amazing person. And I am so glad you can see that. And I know you have always seen it. I just think you let outside influences (people) affect you way too much. Live for you. Because you are still ALIVE..because of you.
Much love .And I hope you keep hanging on.
Me and you havent really talked like we use to.
So I really dont know what has really been going on. But honestly..I dont need to.
I know what a great..talented..sensitive..hopeful..smart..inspir ing person you are.
You know it too. I went to your page the other day and really listened your songs.
There is so much emotion in them. So much hope and life in some of the words.
I was moved at one point because I was feeling it.
You are here for a reason. As I believe we all are. And we do need to be thankful that we do get these many chances. Because your right...There are so many that dont even do anything near the things we do and dont make it. And by no fault of their own. I think about that myself alot. Why I can still be here when I see people like my cousin suffering with Lupus and she has never even tried a cigarette and she always does the good thing. So why do I get to be so lucky?
There are alot of people who care about you here. Me being one of them. And even if I dont stay on top of whats going on with you...I really do think about how you are alot.
You are an amazing person. And I am so glad you can see that. And I know you have always seen it. I just think you let outside influences (people) affect you way too much. Live for you. Because you are still ALIVE..because of you.
Much love .And I hope you keep hanging on.
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