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Hello everyone! Newbie to this, I need your advice

Old 12-28-2008, 09:41 AM
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Question Hello everyone! Newbie to this, I need your advice

I am newly wed, my husband always had dislikes against drinking. I have always enjoyed drinking. My typical way of drinking has been, have 2 glasses of wine as I cook and have dinner (I am a big foodie and love the combination of good drink with good food) about 5 days a week. I drink more if we go to friend's party etc, which is probably less than once a month.

He says he doesn't like me drinking because I get slow (vs. witty) and less attentitive toward him and gets emotional. He always had different "reasons" why he dislikes me drinking (one of them used to be that I may cheat on him while I am drunk, at the early dating stage, so I was allowed to drink only when he was around, even at home! He finally understant I am not the cheater, he doesn't say that anymore)

I feel I can drink less frequently, so I recently agreed on drinking just weekends and special occassions. He was supposed to be happy with that, but he is still unhappy and says he doesn't want to be around me if I drink.
I have never been told by anybody (parents, my teeage kids and close friends etc) that I am unpleasant when I drink, rather fun to be around.

He wants me to quit drinking completely and he thinks I can never do so
because he thinks I am an addict. I know I can totally quite (I have done so with past pregnancies and nursing etc). But I don't feel it is necessary other than the fact that I can prove to him that I can quit, which seems to me, the wrong motivation. To me, cutting back to weekends seems like a good plan.
I feel since my wine with good food is something I would call "hobby" it will elminate my eating fun too (BTW I dont have any health problem either, stay fit), he says I am making excuse since I can't quite.... What should I do?
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Old 12-28-2008, 09:57 AM
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Hi FL, and welcome to SR!

I'll tell you my first reaction to reading your post, then I'll comment further. The very first thing I thought as I read what you wrote was, "It sounds like he is trying to control her." I have other comments, but that was the very first thing I thought, and that thought persisted the more I read.

Now, on to other things.

Do you feel like alcohol is causing problems in your life or to your health (your husband's comments aside)? Do you ever feel bad about yourself after drinking (feelings of shame, self-loathing, etc)? Or do you honestly feel that you are a true social drinker - drinking is a hobby that you enjoy and nothing more intense than that?

If you were to stop drinking for 30 days, do you think you'd have any problems? That's always a pretty good experiment to try, and you will have a better perspective on the issue at the end of that 30 days (or maybe even before).

It's completely possible that your behavior while you drink is much different than you perceive it to be, and your husband's comments are justified and to be taken seriously. It's also completely possible that he is manipulative and controlling, and that behavior is just starting to show itself and this is the first way he's choosing to try to control you. I don't know you or him or anything about you other than what's written above, so I can't say. These are just my thoughts.

Please check out the site more and read as much as you can. Post as you feel comfortable. There are some truly wonderful people here and you will get support and encouragement beyond belief.

TSH
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Old 12-28-2008, 09:59 AM
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Hello, FLwife. Welcome to SR.

Stick around for a while and keep reading and posting.

I know you said that he thinks you have a problem. Do you think you have a problem?
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:10 AM
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Two words that jump to mind while reading your post are "insecurity" and "controlling", referring to your husband.
If your being honest with yourself regarding your drinking habits, then I would be asking; "Is your husband controlling in other aspects of your life also?"

Does he question why you need to spend time with friends?
Does he question how long you were out and/or with who?

Or is there something alcohol related in your husbands past that you may not be aware of?
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:21 AM
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Hi FL...welcome!
my first thought was also control....and i have the same question as omega? why does your husband choose not to drink? past history with alkies? bad experiences with it himself? my thoughts are that whenever anyone starts putting out demands, it is because of some insecurity...have you tried sitting with him & talking about the issue....just my thoughts at the moment....would like to hear more from you...hang in there...Hugs xxx Lisa
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:47 AM
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Thank you so much for such a quick reply!

I really appreciate your responses! :-)

I feel I can cut back a bit, but I don't feel I have the problem.
He doesn't like I spend time outside with my GFs (I have some really
great friends but he hardly have social life, he says he is happy to be
with just me)
I love him dearly but I don't want to be labled for what I am not for.
I totally admit I enjoy drinking, I love good wine with appetizers etc.
I rarely drink more than 2 glasses (means half a bottle) unless we have
parties etc.

He got weaker and weaker for alcohol since I have met him, few years ago.
Now 2 beers would give him headache. He is strongly against drugs and
tabacco, which I never do. He had sex addition before but pretty much
recovered from that. I feel he still has some obsessive traits on different
things.

I love him dearly and he loves my so much too (he did improve quite a bit
since I first met him) he says drinking is the only problem I have, which
I don't feel I have "problem".... But I don't want us to be having an argument over this. We discuss about things in depth, but he says I can't think straight about alcohol because I am an addict, I feel he is so set in his way so that he can't understand what I am saying. But just half a week ago, he joined me with drinking wine over dinner (that was nice try from him) still while telling me how he dislikes me drinking. He ended up having hang over (2 glasses) and as of yesterday, he said he doesn't want to be around me when I drink...

Sorry, my message is not really going anywhere. :-(
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:53 AM
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How long was your courtship?

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 12-28-2008, 11:01 AM
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FL wife, without knowing all the details, it does sound as if he's being unreasonable. It is possible, as TSH mentioned, that you aren't aware of how you really behave when drinking - but I don't see how the small amount you mention drinking could cause a drastic change in personality. I know I went from being sweet, kind and fun to be around to argumentative and hostile in the blink of an eye, but I consumed huge amounts before getting to that stage. Does he have family or friends who are alcoholics & maybe is overreacting out of fear? Glad you found us, FLwife.
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Old 12-28-2008, 11:18 AM
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You said you rarely have more than two glasses (means half a bottle). From what the normal wine glass holds, I believe six oz, I don't think half a bottle is just two glasses, maybe twice that much.

Why don't you try going without drinking at all for two weeks. See how you feel after two weeks, and whether he's relaxed his 'hold' on your life in those two weeks.

He does sound very controlling, especially what you said about his needing no other company than yours. So called 'normal' married couples do have friends outside of their marriage and don't make their spouse their only real 'friend'.

Or maybe try drinking only two six ounce glasses of wine, not half a bottle. See what that does for you.

Only you can decide if you have a problem with alcohol, but your husband's behavior and comments, as told by you, send up red flags for me, having been in a relationship in the past with a very controlling and abusive man.

I wish you well.
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Old 12-28-2008, 11:40 AM
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I'd be pretty buzzed on half a bottle of wine that's for sure. You said something that really freaked me out "so I was allowed to drink only when he was around"..ALLOWED? Sorry.. that bristles me up a bit.

However, that being said, you did marry him, and I'm assuming knew pretty much what you were facing.

Hun, I really don't know what to say other than, if you can quit for a month and not even think about, you likely don't have a problem. If that's a problem for you, then.....

What do YOU want to do? Have you guys ever tried couples counseling? Just to get another brian in the room to sort some of this out?

Good luck, stick around, keep us posted !!
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:14 PM
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I, too, am curious how long the two of you have been together. Has he always insisted on having this much say in what you do, or is this something he's just recently started?

Your additional comments about how he doesn't like it when you spend time with your girlfriends and doesn't have friends of his own only reinforces my gut reaction - he is being controlling and manipulative.

I'm not going to get hung up on the two glasses vs. half a bottle thing. If you read some more of the site, you'll see a lot of this comment: it's not how much you drink, it's how what you drink affects you. There is no "set quantity" that is the defining point of when someone has a problem with alcohol. It's what the alcohol does to you, both while you drink and after, that is a better indicator of whether or not a person has a problem.

I agree with the others. It sounds like there is a piece of this puzzle that is missing. I think he's not being completely honest about why he thinks you shouldn't drink.
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:54 PM
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Thumbs up Is husband controlling in all things with you?

Hi,

I am so glad you wrote & posted what you did. I was the alcoholic with a husband that drank but could take it or leave it.

My first husband & I divorced & it was mostly to do with the alcohol & my clinical depression. I would quit my meds so I could drink. I did quit for a year here and there only to marry another drinker. That marriage ended in divorce due to another matter involving my husband not the drinking because we kinda watched what we drank.

My second husband was retired from the Army...20 years & he ran the household like the Army including my son. He psychologically abused my son and me every day. He wouldn't let me work or go anywhere shopping without timing how long I was gone & I didn't dare stop for a beer....that was a big NO NO!!!

I finally got him to agree to let me go back to college & I had our three year old daughter in the college daycare & would be home before my son got home from school.

I divorced him when our daughter was six when he was arrested for abusing her...long story....I quit drinking four years later & a year after quiting I went back to college to get my BA Degree & got a very good job.

This was 20 years ago when I got help for my drinking & depression. But when you speak of wine...my Mother had a problem with her appetite so her doc suggested she drink a small glass of wine before dinner and she did this until my Dad went to an Alcohol Treatment Program....he had problems after my brother & I left home & married so his drinking became out of control & he almost lost his job a year before his retirement.

My Mom went to the family program & I went with her...she decided not to have her glass of wine anymore since Dad wasn't drinking....he never had another drink. My Mom was telling me one day that she really did miss that simple little glass of wine & wondered if she could have been an alcoholic like her Mom & Dad were.

I have been back with my first husband since 1990 and we have been married six years + 14 years before I divorced him & time between 1984 & 2002 we spent weekends together. I was scared of another marriage and he had kept on drinking when I quit so one week night after we were home from work he called and asked me to move back in....I, of course, said I would have to think about it & talk it over with Kathy (my daughter 12 by then). Then he talked with her and told her he had quit drinking.

It didn't take long for me to make my decision. He is 71 & I am 68. He retired from a Social Work job helping the elderly & I retired from a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor job helping the elderly. Life was hard for us with many sad things happening & the alcohol caught up with me until I was HAD by the alcohol & needed professional help.

kelsh
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:11 AM
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Thank you everyone! I feel really thankful for all of your advice/input and consideration!

Here's several things I recognized;

1) Half a bottle of regular drinking is too much, especially for my small frame.
2) My husband has upsets for drinking in general. He often accuses his father for drunk but I don't see that problem (though, his brother is an alcoholic). His ex-GFs cheated on him when they drank(but hey, this is over 20 years ago, we are in our 40's)
3) I will stick to weekend only, less amount wine drinking for a while and see how things go.

I will update here again and continue reading too!

Thank you again! :
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by TryingSoHard View Post
Hi FL, and welcome to SR!

I'll tell you my first reaction to reading your post, then I'll comment further. The very first thing I thought as I read what you wrote was, "It sounds like he is trying to control her." I have other comments, but that was the very first thing I thought, and that thought persisted the more I read.

Now, on to other things.

Do you feel like alcohol is causing problems in your life or to your health (your husband's comments aside)? Do you ever feel bad about yourself after drinking (feelings of shame, self-loathing, etc)? Or do you honestly feel that you are a true social drinker - drinking is a hobby that you enjoy and nothing more intense than that?

If you were to stop drinking for 30 days, do you think you'd have any problems? That's always a pretty good experiment to try, and you will have a better perspective on the issue at the end of that 30 days (or maybe even before).

It's completely possible that your behavior while you drink is much different than you perceive it to be, and your husband's comments are justified and to be taken seriously. It's also completely possible that he is manipulative and controlling, and that behavior is just starting to show itself and this is the first way he's choosing to try to control you. I don't know you or him or anything about you other than what's written above, so I can't say. These are just my thoughts.

Please check out the site more and read as much as you can. Post as you feel comfortable. There are some truly wonderful people here and you will get support and encouragement beyond belief.

TSH

TSH and FLwife:

I so totally agree with everything TSH has posted, and would've posted the exact same thing. Humor the fella, and see if you still have problems after a while. Give up the wine. You'll soon know if your problem is the wine or the husband. LIke TSH, I also don't wish to offend with comments ........ but, it seems that your hubby has a problem with anything that doesn't benefit him. If you hadn't mentioned the part about going out with your girlfriends, my red-flagometer wouldn't have gone off.


Av
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:24 AM
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There is a lot of support here, FL. Please stick around! Let us know how you are doing.

I like your plan, btw.
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