cassandra2

Would anyone find it strange if a person who was "clean" for over 30 days and then suddenly could not tell you how many days he has been "clean" when you asked them?

How important is it for you to keep track of your clean days?

I asked my ex (whom I suspect has now relapsed) today how many days he had clean and he said he didnt know. When he had 27 days he was proud and said he had 27 days clean. A couple of days later I said congrats on making it over 30 days and he said actually today is 31 days. Now today he said he didnt know how many days he has been clean.

sailorjohn

How important is it for you to keep track of your ex's clean days?

flutter

Ditto..

cassandra2

Very important. We have a child together. I need to know that he is on the straight path otherwise other decisions need to be made. I asked the question because it seemed like it was a red flag.

StrongBird

I'm only 15 days in and I just had to count. I know it's a couple weeks but the exact count of days? I lose track.

I bet it's like when you have a young kid. At first you count in weeks, but then around 3 months you lose track and switch from weeks to months. Then around age 2 you switch from months to years. I couldn't tell you how many weeks old my daughter is but that doesn't mean I'm any less concerned with her, you know? Maybe your ex is just thinking of it as "a little over a month" now?

doorknob

I tend to lose track in between milestones and have to check to know for sure...

findingkermit

Not important to me at all. For me I only need to know that I am still clean.

When I gave up a 12 year hard drug habit 14 years ago, I remembered the days until about 3 weeks, then I sort of thought of it now & then in months, but not for long. I had to rack my brain to think of how long after a few months.

This time I am on day 25 (or 24 or 26 lol) of sobriety after a 4 & 1/2 year battle with alcoholism. The same is starting again, I'm losing track of the days, and am just grateful that I am still sober today. It isn't a priority for me to know exactly how long, I am grateful for each day sober, not a particular length of time

Latte

I kept track for my first 90 days. To focus on ODAAT I don't count days anymore. It works for me.

sailorjohn

Yes, it is very important that your ex remain clean and sober, but I've been down the road you're on, keeping track of checking up on and all those other codie things we do/have done are exhausting and will make you crazy. One of the things I've done, and heard from others as well, is stop trusting my own gut. You know if he's clean, you don't need him to tell you how many days he has.

cassandra2

Well my gut says he isnt clean and it was confirmed when he couldnt tell me how many days he was sober.

laurie6781

I suspect Cassandra you already knew the answer, and you were looking for some 'validation' of your 'gut feeling.' Go with your 'gut.' You will know by his ACTIONS when he has chosen RECOVERY over ADDICTION. Forget the words, you know that is QUACKING. Look for the ACTIONS.

Scrutinizing his recovery or lack of it at this time, or any time for that matter is only going to cause you more STRESS, WORRY, and UPSET.

Plan your life, go about the business of raising the kids yours, and yours and his, pray for him, and get on with your life. If he is suppose to FIND RECOVERY and live a life if recovery he will. If he is suppose to be in your lives, it will come to pass in HP's time not yours.

All your scrutinizing is really only causing you stress, sweetie, not him.

I hope you can achieve some of YOUR goals in 2009.

Love and hugs,

flutter

For the record, to chime in again.. Every day I post here I have to recount, I'm only on 10.

I think you know if he's sober or hasn't been. My loved ones always knew when I was still using/drinking. EVERY time.

I think there's likely other stuff to go on besides a rather arbitrary number of days.

ExNavyInHouston

I can tell you from past experience. I count every day until 30 days ... then the number seem to drift off and then I just remember month anniversaries.

Aysha

I quit trying to count..It just causes me more stress.
I know I am clean today.

marle

My daughter kept track of days until she got to 100 and then she just kept track of months. Every once in a while she will go to the AA days calculator and tell me how many days it has been. I thought at first it meant that she had relapsed too but I think that she just got really busy living life, working a job, new boyfriend, etc. Today, though, she did call to ask me if I knew what day it was and I thought for a bit and said, Yup, 7 months today. I think actions are more important than knowing how many days. Is he going to meetings or a counselor? Is he trying to change the behaviors? Is he avoiding those people with whom he previously used? Those things will tell you more than counting days. Hugs, Marle

ex D-Boy

i can only speak for myself on this situation cassandra and all addicts // alkies are different.

For me, i would only count the first 5-8 days i was clean. because this was the initial period of "Detox" where i would be going through intense withdrawal and had to keep my mind focused as much as possible on recovery. after that i wrote down my clean date in a notebook and just remembered that day for the purpose of knowing when a "milestone" would come up etc. but to wake up each day and say "okay its day 134" etc, not really for me.

Prisoners count days....i am no prisoner.

Aysha

I really like that

cassandra2

He is going to group 3 days a week. No meetings. Has NOT changed the behaviors in fact they are getting worse. I dont know what his associations are but I can tell you that he still has all of their numbers programed into his none working cell phone. Red flag. Why keep the numbers of your drug friends or dealers?

I dont know something is up and I can feel it. He got money for xmas and has 5 days until he knew he may be drug tested at the group meetings. I asked him today if he got his suboxone again and he said no he didnt have time to get it from the pharmacy.

I am just tired of the lies. Tired of the manipulation. Tired of looking for signs. I am tired. I dont know what to do about it. Its getting to the point where I dont care about anything. I now feel numb. I feel hopless. I feel lost and dont have any idea how to get back on track. I read. I come here. I talk to my counselor. I am lost......

Ananda

I have many alchoholics in my life...i wory about thier actions not their sobriety or lack of. That is how my boss handled me and how my family delt with me...it isn't have you drank...but rather did you pay the bills, did you show up for work, are you harming me or my kids with your behavior.

I try to react to the behaviors it seems to keep things straighter for me.

I'm sorry for your situation....i would find it very dificult.

kj3880

Yep. I never know exactly how many days I have unless it's the 4th, that's my month anniversary, so I count in months. Other than that, I don't really think about it. The way he's acting is more telling, I'd say. And whether stuff or money is disappearing usually tells on addicts.
KJ