James13

Wow, last evening at my dad's house. This is the first year I have been "outside looking in", so to speak. And it has been a whole new perspective, to say the least. I never realized how much the Christmas Eve festivities revolve around alcohol and feeling good. S---, that's all they talked about.

They don't know I am living a sober life because I am not ready to tell them. I am not as close to my dad's side of the fam. My parents divorced when I was 6.

Now, alcohol was never my drug of choice. I never craved it, because I always craved something else. It made me sick at my stomach too, to get drunk. Didn't "need" it.

I am not judging this side of my family. They are good people. But this new perspective was scary. My half brother had this bottle of pure grain, and I told him I didn't want any. He kept insisting that I have a little. Again, I said I was ok. Alcohol was everywhere, family bragging and making fun of each other for different drunken occasions. I felt so out of place this year.

But what surprised me and scared me is that I actually wanted to drink REALLY bad. I am now realizing the extent of how anything is a slippery slope for me now. Because I don't have my old standby of getting high, coming down, and falling asleep, forgetting about everything and avoiding everything. So alcohol sounded real good last night.

This is so hard, because I am dealing with alot of paranoia about myself. I need to be living today. And today I am doing that a little better than yesterday. Actually did a couple meetings last night, and visited with my significant other who I am working things out with day by day. Not forcing anything, and that is hard too. But I am 18 days sober. Yes!

Can I somehow be an alcoholic who hardly ever drank too?

Omega Man

To answer your question, IMO, maybe - it's about being addicted to anything, DOC doesn't matter.

For me it's the "addictive personality" thing. I was a drinker and never really cared for the funny smoke or any of that other stuff. But I know that if I started something else, I would probably have a new problem real fast.

Anything that alters my thinking, state of mind, will set me off, which would most definitely lead me back to drinking.

Merry Christmas! Glad you did it sober and made some meetings.

Dee74

I dunno whether you're an alcoholic as such James. I resist making diagnoses

But you *are* an addict, and when you say

...I'm not surprised alcohol sounded good.

I'm glad you made it.
D

James13

Thanks OmegaMan and Dee for the support and insight.

Ok, I'm not crazy

ExNavyInHouston

I am not a philosopher, but do you think your "wanting to drink" was really more about you wanted enhance your sense of belonging and sharing in this family moment?

You said you were "outside looking in." Maybe at that moment you saw alcohol as your vehicle to "in."

It is not the "buzz or high" that would have brought you in, but it was more of alcohols role in this ritualistic moment.

The problem is, as you approached the moment you were looking for with your family - it's likely that there would have been no brakes on the alcohol train.

And this morning when you awoke, your sense of failure would have taken you further from yourself than it could have gotten you closer to your family.

James13

And another thing...

This first step, which I have been reading over and over, still hasn't sunk in. Every day I am still (irrationally probably) in the mindset at times that I never had a problem, and could manage it. When I DON'T want to get high, that crosses my mind.

So the first step surprising me already. I mean, just to convince myself I have an addiction is so much more work than I ever thought.

But I can tell I am dealing with problems put to the back of my mind for years. I have this self image thing that I am terrified about because of really unhealthy behavior in my past, long before I got sober 18 days ago. Wow.

Ego sucks. Time to really try to respect and give myself some slack. I'm tired of feeling like this.

Omega Man

LOL - crazy? Not anymore so than the rest of us alcoholics and addicts!

Like your logo BTW.
Bossanova or Trompe Le Monde?

James13

You know, I thought about that. I think that is true, the ceremonial thing. BUT- it did cross my mind how it would be nice to have a buzz and relax, especially since I have been dealing with alot of mental baggage. I always enjoyed having a few at Christmas over there, too.

I think you are right here. I could very well have been sloshed.

Thanks for the insight.

James13

LOL, thanks! Maybe I am crazy, considering how I tend to repeat things in life and expect something different to happen. I'm sure plenty here know what I am talking about!

Bossanova over Trompe Le Monde. Surfer Rosa over the rest of them!

Thanks Omega.. hope you are having a calm, relaxing holiday.

Omega Man

For me the 1st step wasn't about convincing myself I was alcoholic, I already knew that. It was about admitting my inability to control it, that I was powerless over it. One drink and I'm off to the races.

Ask yourself if you could do just one hit of your DOC and be perfectly content?
An honest answer to that will help you with the 1st step.

For me one is never enough!

James13

It would matter how good it was to determine if just one was enough. Would I need to be REALLY high? Oh, yeah. Would I need to sustain that high through the day? I would want that too.

Wow, thanks Omega. That really helps.

least

No James, you're not crazy at all. Actually you sound like your head is screwed on tight enough and functioning really well. As far as whether you're 'really' an alcoholic or not... only you can say. For me, it wasn't what or when or how much I drank, it was what ALWAYS happened when I drank. Glad you could get the 'outsiders' perspective on alcohol and family gatherings. It DOES look different when you're not under the influence, doesn't it?

much love!

ExNavyInHouston

When I first starting getting help through 12-step programs, I learned quickly there is no PROPER stereotype for an Alcoholic.

One speaker made a point one time it isn't about quantity or how often you drink. If you only drink on Christmas, your birthday and New Year's Eve, but on those nights you show signs of black outs and all the other bad judgments we tend to make as drunks (binging, DUIs, getting in fights, crying in the driveway, pissing your pants, etc) then you could be alcoholic who just doesn't practice the fine art as much.

As far as quantity -- towards the end, I was getting my blackouts on very small doses. I was almost a guarantee to black most every time anyway, but when you start forgetting on two or three servings those are just signs (of the many) I couldn't ignore.

nocoincidence56

Reflecting on the First Step I had to admit/"concede" to my innermost self I was powerless over drugs/alcohol(they are all the same to me), No Problem there! I my previous attempts at getting it I got that part but couldn't accept my life was unmanageable. From another sourced I could say I surrendered to alcohol as a alcoholic but not to life as a person. My real problem wasn't using, it was living! "Our liquor was but a symptom, we had to get down to causes and conditions." The steps are teaching me how to live and just not use, it is a "Design For Living".........Simple but not easy, for me, I have to change my whole life, the old one didn't work real well........

laurie6781

Sometimes, what can help GREATLY with the first step is to do a "Time Line" of your usage. When was the first time, how much you took. How long before you use again? etc

Once done you will be able to see in black and white THE PROGRESSION of the disease. This will go a long way toward being able to accept the the very core of your being that you are powerless over mind altering chemicals, yep that includes alcohol.

You are not crazy. Alcohol would have been a 'substitute' for your DOC but it would have given you 'momentary relief' and only 'momentary relief' followed by all the remose and pain that your DOC leaves you with.

You did good. Remember that was your addiction talking.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

lostbutterfly

I remember Sugah once saying that her DOC was "more". Sums it up to me!

And I had a near identical Christmas Day experience to you James!

I hardly used to drink at all, even when I didn't have any drugs. But when I stopped party drugs (which I found VERY hard), I started drinking and abusing painkillers. I would say I am now a payed up member of the alkie club!

Ananda

I quit drugs and alchohol in 1985 for the first time. I never did drugs again. But alchohol has done me in a number of times since then.

not sure what this has to do with anything, but my brother just got out of treatment a few weeks ago, and the drinking spell that lead to that was the FIRST time he ever had a blackout...I was pretty shocked as was he.

He has been to treatment well over a dozen times and has definately been an obvious alchoholic for over 20 years...almost a skid row drunk stereotype.

I guess I had started thinking the lst year that ALL alchoholics have blackouts....clearly that is bs....

thanks for letting me get that out of my head

miss communicat

[QUOTE=James13;2036385]

I think... "how it would be nice to have a buzz and relax, especially since QUOTE]

(fill in blank)_______"

alcoholism says things JUST like that. It says that having a buzz equals relaxation. It says that having a buzz is a fitting reward for dealing with life.

recovery tells us that we are often wrestling with our anxieties and that we never learned how to be relaxed naturally. Recovery shows us that there is a solution, that relaxing is not the same as numb, passed out or high.

i love that you are on this journey. I never would have felt relaxed at 18 days sober, let alone at my drunk family's house. you did great!!!

James13

Yeah, it looks way different! Someone told me to call them if I wanted a drink. I thought, no way, I can do this easily, I wasn't a "big drinker". Unbelievable how much I wanted to drink and relax. I'm glad I didn't.

Much love to you too! Hope your holiday is nice.

James13

This is what I can relate to. The living part. When everything is well, and I should be content, I'm not. But I'm trying to get better at it today.

I remember being in good relationships, but always wanting someone/something else. I remember sitting at the park on a beautiful day, but needing to be under the influence to make it good enough. Sitting at home, painting or drawing, but not creative enough without using. I remember the now being great, but worried about tommorrow, or worried about the past.

There has always been "something better" around the corner for me. I call this a void in my spirituality. And my using ANYTHING or anyone to fill that void is a symptom of a problem I have as a person. I'm hoping a sober, spiritual lifestyle can change this for me. I have to accept it will be slow, and accept I just have to live in the NOW.