Bottom-less Bottom (or why it's been so difficult to stop)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
Bottom-less Bottom (or why it's been so difficult to stop)
I believe I hit my bottom the moment I took my first drink.
Unlike alot of people, I didn't have much 'collateral damage' from drinking or any obvious evidence that showed I was in trouble.
I don't have kids or family members at home (to experience a raving drunk mess in the home), I don't have a car (to get a DUI in), I have not had a real job in over three years (to get fired from), and other than my neighbors who often saw me crawling up the stairs to my apartment night after night and a couple of close friends, almost no one knows that I am an alcoholic and as a result I've been able to hide it well.
Also, rarely do I drink more than one day at a time. I have rarely gone on week-long benders that I hear about and I bounce back very easily after a night of binge drinking. I think this is why it's been so difficult for me to stay sober. I rarely suffer the effects from drinking for more than two days.
And I forget about the lost money, the black outs, the waking up with total strangers, and the humiliation and shame of it all rarely lasts. I forget.
I forget why I want to stop drinking, and like last night, I forgot that I wanted to stop in the first place!
I feel very fortunate that I don't have kids right now, a DUI, a lost job and legal problems, but some times I wish I did have those to help me remember, if that makes sense.
Happy Holidays everyone.
Unlike alot of people, I didn't have much 'collateral damage' from drinking or any obvious evidence that showed I was in trouble.
I don't have kids or family members at home (to experience a raving drunk mess in the home), I don't have a car (to get a DUI in), I have not had a real job in over three years (to get fired from), and other than my neighbors who often saw me crawling up the stairs to my apartment night after night and a couple of close friends, almost no one knows that I am an alcoholic and as a result I've been able to hide it well.
Also, rarely do I drink more than one day at a time. I have rarely gone on week-long benders that I hear about and I bounce back very easily after a night of binge drinking. I think this is why it's been so difficult for me to stay sober. I rarely suffer the effects from drinking for more than two days.
And I forget about the lost money, the black outs, the waking up with total strangers, and the humiliation and shame of it all rarely lasts. I forget.
I forget why I want to stop drinking, and like last night, I forgot that I wanted to stop in the first place!
I feel very fortunate that I don't have kids right now, a DUI, a lost job and legal problems, but some times I wish I did have those to help me remember, if that makes sense.
Happy Holidays everyone.
Drunkaholic
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Channelview, TX (Houston)
Posts: 514
I can relate to the no collateral damage ... but I have to tell nothing to me is more painful than the self hate I feel those mornings I wake and struggle to get out of bed. Towards the end I was just staying there all day.
Those feelings are my motivator, I just hope the further I get from my quit day those memories stay in my head.
Those feelings are my motivator, I just hope the further I get from my quit day those memories stay in my head.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Personally, I find the whole concept of hitting-bottom to be kind of arbitrary. I suppose it marks the state of my life on the day I quit drinking.
The day I quit was the day that I accepted that I am an alcoholic and that absolutely nothing good would ever come from drinking - it was getting worse, fast. I desparately wanted a better life.
Early on, I needed to constantly remind myself of the hell my life had become. I knew I would eventually "forget" and pretend that it wasn't that bad (it was). Journaling, AA, and SR kept these memories fresh (I read my original post often). I accept my past and have learned from it but I did get to a day where I started to enjoy my new life and look forward to the future with excitement.
We never have to go back to those days. And believe me, there is a far better life within your grasp.
The day I quit was the day that I accepted that I am an alcoholic and that absolutely nothing good would ever come from drinking - it was getting worse, fast. I desparately wanted a better life.
Early on, I needed to constantly remind myself of the hell my life had become. I knew I would eventually "forget" and pretend that it wasn't that bad (it was). Journaling, AA, and SR kept these memories fresh (I read my original post often). I accept my past and have learned from it but I did get to a day where I started to enjoy my new life and look forward to the future with excitement.
We never have to go back to those days. And believe me, there is a far better life within your grasp.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
My reasons for quitting are like ExNavyInHouston said, the self-hatred. The physical health consequences, the black-outs, the hang-overs and the withdrawals, waking up in strange places and/or with strange people, the humiliation & shame, the bad reputation, the deterioration of relationships and the loss of friends over one too many stupid-things-I-did-while-drunk, the nightmares, the sleep-issues, the mood swings...to name just but a few of them. (I guess I mean my reasons for quitting are less 'visible' on the outside).
I know these won't go away right away (except for the first five or six in the list) and things may be very difficult, but I know that I can't drink like a normal person and I never will. I like sobriety, I like this board and even though I often knock it, I like A.A. too. Even though the prospect of never drinking again is very frightening; I want myself back and to live the life I've always wanted - the 'Well-being' like Phal said. To finally stop constantly chasing the elusive dragon while trying to heal the wounds it inflicted at the same time as I've been doing for the last two years.
If I can stay sober and if I even just get thirty days without drinking, that will be probably my biggest accomplishment in a very long time.
I know these won't go away right away (except for the first five or six in the list) and things may be very difficult, but I know that I can't drink like a normal person and I never will. I like sobriety, I like this board and even though I often knock it, I like A.A. too. Even though the prospect of never drinking again is very frightening; I want myself back and to live the life I've always wanted - the 'Well-being' like Phal said. To finally stop constantly chasing the elusive dragon while trying to heal the wounds it inflicted at the same time as I've been doing for the last two years.
If I can stay sober and if I even just get thirty days without drinking, that will be probably my biggest accomplishment in a very long time.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Hi there I'm not sure from your post whether you picked up a drink last night but from my own experience it does get worse whatever or wherever your rock bottom occurs. AA has given me a daily reprieve by not picking up that first drink one day at a time. Early on I learnt that the prospect of telling myself "I'll never drink again" was too tall an order. Not picking up that first drink one hour at a time for the next 24 hours is manageable and those 24 hours can start at any time of the day. Don't give up. It does get better and I can see you really do want to stop drinking. Don't Leave before the miracle happens. Season's greetings oxo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: decatur, ga.
Posts: 33
Welcome!....What an awesome check list filled with all the " yets" if we continue our maddness. I truly believe that the bottom does have a trap door....hummm. You see, it's been something missing out of my recovery... I haven't surrendered,period. And,believe it or not....all the stuff you mention is not evidence of someone at their bottom. Humm...it's not deep, it's real simple. Yet,back to telling on my addiction. For real,for real....I realize that I have not honestly and whole-heartedly taken the first step. And, this is why I'm right back in my self-made maddness after 27mos. " one-at-a-time " after 27mos.of recovery...clean. I honesty thought I had it down a second time yet I now know there's much work to be done. tfs
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I had very little collateral damage several months ago as well. I remember posting something similar, no DUI, no job loss, no marriage/friends lost. Now that I've pushed the envelope as far as it will go with all that, I can fully understand the clarity and seriousness of putting a "yet" behind each thing that hasn't happened because of your drinking.
It's easy (I know, cuz I did it for years) for us to think we're not as 'bad' as the next guy, because of the extreme things some people do experience due to their drinking. Seriously, anything you think of that hasn't happened negatively, just hasn't happened yet.
I never crawled up my stairs, woke with strangers, or lost much money. But I did almost lose my life, my job, and my husband. We all have our own experience in this, and the most we can do is find strength for and in each other, and make our way down the road of life stronger than we were before we reached out.
I wish you luck in your journey, I'll be here for you!
It's easy (I know, cuz I did it for years) for us to think we're not as 'bad' as the next guy, because of the extreme things some people do experience due to their drinking. Seriously, anything you think of that hasn't happened negatively, just hasn't happened yet.
I never crawled up my stairs, woke with strangers, or lost much money. But I did almost lose my life, my job, and my husband. We all have our own experience in this, and the most we can do is find strength for and in each other, and make our way down the road of life stronger than we were before we reached out.
I wish you luck in your journey, I'll be here for you!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by LaDita
I rarely suffer the effects from drinking for more than two days.
I quit drinking and drugging in my early 30's you know what saved me was vanity. Yes vanity!!! I did not want to wake up one day looking 20 or 30 years older than my real age. Not long ago some ask me if my younger brother who has never stop using was my father it made me feel really bad for him cause he used to be such a good looking guy...
My graduating High School class has dwindled to some very small numbers due to alcohol and drugs. Some of the ones we all remember with the fondest memories are now gone forever.
I will be praying you find a reason that is good enough. After one year of being clean I found out I was pregnant and am so glad that I had a year clean under my belt and did not have to face what heavy drinking could have done to my child. All the good stuff came after getting clean...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
the court and probation and mandatory drugs tests do help people stay clean so i see what you mean by not having those tools...
but alas you can have them someday if you choose to"
and you can choose to not drink for today
then you will never have to drink again
and you can begin to find other reasons to stay sober and most importantly to LIVE sober
to live a new live where you are more of a giver than a taker
a new, beautiful second half of life where you new dreams will unfold and love with pour out of your heart
but alas you can have them someday if you choose to"
and you can choose to not drink for today
then you will never have to drink again
and you can begin to find other reasons to stay sober and most importantly to LIVE sober
to live a new live where you are more of a giver than a taker
a new, beautiful second half of life where you new dreams will unfold and love with pour out of your heart
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