Aysha

You all know I am pretty open with my shares. Maybe sometimes too open.
And I have no problems putting myself out there wide open. Thats how I get the support I need when I am being a screw up.
But I have posted before about my grams. Which I donlike to do but I do sometimes because it affects me alot.
And I am far from anyone to be complaining about someone elses disease.
But I am hurting so bad right now. I am fighting back tears because I dont knw how to handle this. I am having flash backs of when I grew up with her and my gramps drinking.
I hate to put her out there like that because she has always protected me in my addiction. Never betrayed my trust. But today I cant deal.
First let me say...Even tho I havent told you guys here. I have used the frit 2 weeks of this month. Nothing drastic. Just one trip one time on two of my paydays the first 2 weeks of this month. Why? I guess its the pattern of this month as it has been for years. And it by no means is justifyable in any way. So I dont even feel right even coming here with this. But I am so hurt right now. As I am sure she has been my whole life watching me destroy myself.
I woke up this morning and she was already plastered. She has been drinking since yesterday afternoon. I wasnt heerall night so I didnt have to see it.
I simply said..You drinking already? And she blew a fuse. And you know how when somempeople drink..They start ranting about things. Noone cares about her. Everyone takes her money..they use her and blah blah blah. The same **** she always goes off about when she drinks. ow she doesnt drink often. But when she does she binges.
She has gone through a gallon and 4 splits of red wine since yesterday afternoon. Ad almost broke open a bottle of wine I bought for my cousins wifes grandmother for christmas.
She took my keys and thought she was going to take my lil cousin shopping today. And when I told her absolutley not she got irrate. Saying she was going to take a nap and she woud have been fine. You kids think you can run my life. I gave up everything for you kids. ALl you kids do is use me. And then we started into the where were you a couple weeks ago. Wheres the money you owe me. You betetr find another place to live.
And I am not goin gto lie..I lost it at first and said soe pretty mean things. But then I stoped and went and hugged her and apologised and told her to just go lay down. And if she wanted me to drive her to take my lil cousin shopping I would. Thats wasnt good enough.
She was telling me that she gaeve everything up for me. But since she put me before her now she has nothing.
Nnone ever does anything for her and just all that self pity angry drunken rambling.
Some of that is true. But it cut me like a knife.
I deserve what she said to me. Because I am no where any better in what I do.
But When she got mad about wantigng to drive my van with my cousin..Thats where I have to stand my ground. I would never ever get high around my baby cousins and definately wouldnt try drivivng with them in the car.
This is not her. She knows better.
And I dont want to make her out to be a bad person. Because she isnt. And she would never hrut any of us. Those babies are her life right now. But her judgement is not right at the moment.
I know she has alot of built up issues that she never voices becasue thats just her. But when she drinks..She lets it all out and says it ways I know she doesnt mean.
I tried closing my door. She is still running her mouth out there.
Then she comes in my room and just wont stop.
I dont want to be mean. But how do I get her to just stop!!!
Well..I guess she went to lay down.
I guess this is how it feels to watch me do this to myself.
I ahte seeing her liek that. But she gets so mean when she drinks. Always has. But when she doesnt drink. She is the sweestest..kindest..gentlest..most tolerant person in the world.
I hate she feels like she does. And it only comes out when shes drinking.
Does she really feel like that. But never syas anythign until alcohol gives her the courage? Or is it just the alcohol making her say things she doesnt mean?
I struggle with being patient with her. AN dI did lose my cool at first. But quickly stopped and just let her run her mouth and hugged her and told her I am sorry I am screw up and we do care about her. But she just keeps going on and on.
She has never once lost her cool with me in my lowest. And I feel bad I didnt do the same at first.
It hurts so much to see her like that.
And it hurts even more that even though I did slip 2 times recently. But I am trying my very best.
I coudnt even buy her a xmas card because I am so far behind on my bills and those 2 screw ups didnt help any. I had o tell my uncle she was drinking because she was suppose to pick up my couisn fron the school bus stop. I hate I had to out her. But I cant let that kid be here right now. And definately cant let her try and drive with him like that.
She knows better. I know it is the alcohol thinking.
Hopefully she sleeps it off and thats it.
I havent been the best person lately. I have had really short tolerance levels. And I dont treat her like I should.

Maybe I have no business even posing this.
I just hurt seeing her liek that and knowing alot of it is because of me.
Maybe I do need to just go move somewhere else and she wouldnt have a piece of **** like me to deal with.

Lenina

Oh Chiy, I wish there was something I could say or do to help out. It's a rough situation for you. Just know I will be praying for your grams and you too. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

I think you did the right thing by not letting her have the car keys. And please, try to keep remembering it's the alcohol that's making her say the mean things. I am sure she loves you. It's a bad time of year and many of us are feeling the stress so I think your grams is too.

I have to get out of the house now with my chores but I will be back later to check in.

Hang in there, take care of yourself.

Much love to you,

Lenina

Change4life

Trish you are by no means a piece of ****. It sounds to me like your blaming yourself for her drinking. Ok you slipped, we all do! Hvent you been telling me not to give up and to like myself. You deserve the same. As far as her ranting goes, I know its easier said than done, but just ignore her for now. Shes drunk and there is no point in arguing with her now. Shes gonna spew things in her drunmeness that she doesnt mean. And even if you get through to her i doubt she will remeber.
please take care of yourself first. You cant please everyone all the time

YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF ****!!!

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

First of all, stop blaming yourself. Yes, you've made mistakes, but you are not the reason she's drinking, any more than she is the reason you've smoked crack, okay?

As far as does she really mean what she says when she's drunk? I've heard different theories on this, and I can only give you my personal experience. The times I've spouted off hateful things when I was drunk....no, I did not mean them, and regretted every word I said. I think a FEW things I said, when I was drunk may have been how I felt, but most of it was just BS.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but try to separate this from grams, just as she has separated the crack from you. She doesn't like when you use, you don't like when she drinks.

You've done a great thing, by not letting her drive, and keeping the kids safe. Yes, you blew up for a minute, but you quickly stopped and hugged her..which is pretty darned awesome, knowing your temper

Take a deep breath, and calm down. You're NOT a piece of shyte, any more than grams is. Just don't use this as a reason to say "f it" and go out and use again, okay? (you KNOW how we can be). I don't think you will, but now's the time to make sure you put your recovery first because you're pretty stressed out.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Horselover

Trish I am sorry you are going through all this crap, but know ONE THING - this isn't your grams. This is the disease. I was ALWAYS fighting with my husband and saying AWFUL things to him towards the end of my drinking career and its a wonder he stayed, but he didn't take it to heart or tried not to any ways. You need to get away from your grams and not feed her fire. The best thing my husband did was walk away from me when I started ranting. There was distance put between us and that was a good thing believe me. I was very close to my grams too and I think of her so often. I grew up sharing my bedroom with her because we had so many foster kids and stuff. Not a lot of room, but any ways - Don't beat yourself up Trish and for God's sake don't give your gram any credence to what comes out of her mouth.

As far as you slipping - knock it off! We care about you and want you around and you ALWAYS have a place here. We need you and so does your Grams, but don't take that on while she's drinking and don't let her get to you if at all possible. Can you get away at all? If not, close your door and distance yourself at least mentally. You aren't doing your grams any favors by letting her get to you.

Wish I could give you a hug, but I know you aren't big on hugs. I am though.

Jomey

Hey Trish - Prayers out for you and your family....you are not responsible for your gram or her drinking OR what she says or does while she is drinking. Glad you told us. Take it easy on yourself. Love, Jomey

Aysha

I need to say too...I am so disappointed i myself.
As much as I dont want to go to meeings.I am going to at least give it a try.
Like Beth..I cant go inpatient . So I really have no business giving advice when I cant even follow it.
I am already seeing a pdoc. But I am really going to commit to meetings. I have been fighting for so long. And doing it y way still isnt changing anyhting.
EVen if I only go to the 2 that are close by a week.
I have been fooling myself as well.
I have done really well commiting to work. I havent called in except today because I didnt want to leave my grams by herself. And we were having our little employee holiday luncheon today. I was looking forwrd to it. But I cant leave her alone right now.
I have taken other responsibilties at work so I can get more hours.
And after the new year I will need to try again at trying to find a night PT job.
I need to quit being selfish myself and bust my ass at all cost like she has done for me all her life.
I am so tired you guys. I am crying like huge baby right now. I am tireed of acting like everything is ok whe its not.
And seeing my grams that means more to me than anything has really made me decide to really commit to being the person I know I can be.
I would never want to hurt her. But I hav eby being selfish and just ..I dont know..I just dont treat her like she deserves.
I guess I would get drunk too if I had someone like me treating her like I do.
So there it is. I do cririsise her alot. I get impatient with her getting older. I suck.
She deserves to be treated like a queen and I dont even come close to doing that.
OMG...I havent made any progress at all.
I dont even take care of my cat. She feeds her and cleans the box. I am such a loser. I have alot of growing up to do.
I am so ashamed of myself right now.
You guys can tell me lie it is. I need to hear it. And I can handle it.
I am so F***ing sick of being like this. And it goes beyond the drugs.My attitude sucks.
I am selfish and I dont even know why she would still love me and do things for after the way I have treated her.
In my thread about the guy at the hotel...ALl of you said I was a good person. I felty so sick to my stomach when you guys said that. It isnt true. I am not a good person. My heart has been black lately.
I did that for that man because it was my job . And I did feel bad for him.
But it doesnt make me a good person.
If Icant treat my own grandmother that way...It means nothing.
Well>>i am making her something to eat right now.
And I am going to practice alot of patience today with her. She has always been the strong one who has put everyone before herself.
I am making this vow in fornt of all of you. And I swear my hand to God...I am going o do what I have to do to be the person I neem to be.
Chrismas is not going to suck..bevasue we are all in good health..It will be alot of family with lots of great food.
But I hate it I couldnt even get her a card. I wanted to get her a new necklace for the charm I bought her for her birthday a few years ago. She broke her old one.
Why cant I put her before myself like she has for me all my life. My fathe rwas always too drunk and locked up my whole childhood. ANd I dont even know the man hardly and he is still not talking to me again.

I have alot of self work to do. ALOT!

Ok enough out of me. I am goig to cook her some food and get something in her stomach. Then I am just going to lay down and chill out and really give alot of thought into what I need to do.
Ye sit is getting to that point where I am ready to do what I have to do. I have tried everything but what has been suggested.
I think its time I start paying attention and listen to those who have found recovery and have been so kind to offer me the way that worked for them.
I give up on my way.

Dee74

(((Trish)))

The idea that the truth comes out when we're drunk really pisses me off LOL. The things I did and especially the things I said while plastered weren't me at all - and it was pure A grade ******** to boot.

I agree with Amy and Jomey I'm sorry you slipped too. I think you're right - you need to do more than just white knuckle it, Trish.
Like I said to Beth - you're worth the effort too

Hugs and Merry Xmas, mate.
D

solia

Guilt and self loathing feed addiction. If you can get out of the house and go to a meeting (alanon or AA), I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

ExNavyInHouston

First, I am glad you are here and I glad you posted this. That in itself I think is good for you. I know it feels good for me to let it all hang out when I type.

I also tend to show probably more than people want to hear about me when I type in the forums. I not sure if it is the same for you, but when I lay all out there it helps me not feel like a liar - to myself or others.

On the rest I just don't know what to say. If I am getting it right from your story, then you are right to keep her from being around children if she is drunk and showing belligerence .

And all the mean things she said - who knows, but since you are so open why don't you have a real heart-to-heart talk with her when she is in her sober nice way. See if she will open up and admit any angry feelings she is suppressing from you.

If you can get her to talk and resolve anything that is being buried I think when you look back (when all you have are memories of her) you will be so proud you tried to make right any ill feelings.

You may also find out that she really angry with someone else, and transfers that anger on to you because she feels so close to you she thinks she can.

Horselover

I knew you were pissed after I posted on that other thread that you were an angel, BUT I only post what I believe. I totally get the point that Trish thinks Trish sucks, but that's not going to help you recover. If you have self hatred towards yourself why would you want to recover? I mean seriously. We, alcoholics/addicts all have some work to do when it comes to having compassion for ourselves. I see in your posts that you have a lot of compassion for others Trish and as far as your gram goes, I know you cherish her and how could I know that? I can only gain that insight from reading your posts. I've never seen you nor talked with you, but I have read and read your posts that have been written from the heart. Give yourself a break and find the Trish that your Grandmother so adores. When my Gram passed on I wrote a Tribute to her and I couldn't even read it at her wake because I was beside myself with grief. Our grams totally rock and when they are like a surrogate Mother I can understand why we cherish them. Mine was and so is yours. Remember the disease and maybe read a bit on the Family and Friends Forum to help you deal with this time.

Recovery will begin for you sister when you start to love yourself a bit and I know you can do it because SO many people here love you and we have good taste. (((Trish)))

Sugah

Trish, you said that when your gram is sober, she's kind and loving. Do you think you could talk to her when she sobers up and express your concern for her and what the drink does to her? If she can recognize that she has a problem, maybe she would even be willing to go to meetings with you. If she's supportive of you, perhaps she'll accept you being supportive of her.

I'm very sorry that you have to live like this.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

IO Storm

Good for you for getting honest about your relapse Chiy.

And there is one thing..not everyone relapses..I have had sponsors who never did.

And some friends..some here even..who haven't..but I sure can relate.

And..no, a drunk doesn't have truth in them. Not all of it. It is dirty.

In between truth are the pure selfish ego delusions that come ...and the lowered

inhibitions allow them to "let it all hang out"...poor me.

Blame blame blame. Shame shame I know your name.

Like pieces of a shattered mirror..

What I am concerned about now is you ...your sobriety Trish.

What will you do for you now?

This can't be about just about grams..and if you get upset with me so be it.

I love you Chiy..just don't want to see you go down again hun.

You are too precious a child.

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I'm on my way to work, but just wanted to say this.

I understand how you're feeling...disgusted with yourself. And I'm glad that you are willing to try something else..meetings, or whatever. But I will not just let it go, when you put yourself down. You haven't been an angel, and neither have I. We've done our share of bad stuff, but we've also done our share of good.

Just as you can see Grams's good side, she sees YOUR good side, and we have also seen your good side because you DO have a good side. I'm not just trying to cheer you up...I just want you to learn to focus on your strengths...not your weaknesses. It's what I have to do, when I want to beat up on my self.

Trust me, if I wanted to beat up on myself, right now, I could fill a notebook with all of my faults...in a heartbeat. It took time and effort for me to MAKE myself find something tiny that was good about me to focus on. It's really important that we realize we're not all bad. For me, it's part of keeping a positive attitude, 'cause without that, I'm in big trouble.

You know my story, Trish...going for months, using here and there, another few months clean, using once or twice, another few months clean, relapse. You also know what I'm like NOW, with almost 22 months clean..I try to keep you focused on the positive. Staying stuck on the negative, just keeps you stuck. Learn from it and move on, sweetie..that's the best we can do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Aysha

She is laying down now. I am making her something to eat. Checking on her and seing if she needs anythign. I will clean the house up like she would usually do.
My boss just called and wanted me to come to the luncheon at work. They are giving away prizes and lots of food. I was really looking forward to it all last week. But my grams needs me right now.
What am I going to do for me?
First I am going to just keep my cool. Take it real easy today.
Relax. And clean up things.
Stay glued to you guys like siamese twins.
I will have to deal with my aunt later when she hears about my grams.
I know I shouldnt. But I will not make it out as bad as it was today.
I will simply tell her she had some wine and I felt it better the kids not come here is all.
I am going to start going to the Friday and Sunday NA starting with the next ones.
I am going to hate getting my butt up and draggin myself. But I am going to make myself go.
I have to do something.
With that..my pdoc..and you guys...Maybe that will help.
I am going to try and commit to recovery
I dont feel like using behind this.
everything has calmed down now.
I am off again tomorrow.
I know you guys said wait til she is sober to talk to her. But she gets defensive then too. Not raging crazy like today. But she will say..I am tired of you guys telling me what to do. And counting how many I have had when I do ahve a few beers.
A few is fine...But today ..thats was overboard. She will polish off the rest by morning.
And hopefully no more. She never gets out of the house.

I will be ok now.
Thanks for riding the crazy train for a min with me guys. You really helped me calm down.

IO Storm

You just made this old meanie cry Trish...

least

I don't think any less of you for your slip and the 'character defects' you say you have so many of. None of us are perfect, and we're not seeking perfection - only progress.

You are going thru a rough time of it and I can only say I believe in you and your inner goodness. Please be kinder to yourself. You deserve kindness.

nandm

You know, I just want to give you a big hug.

Hang in there, you have so many people that care about you even if we can't be there in person with you to help you through this struggle.

All About Love

chiy i dont know what to say except your not **** girl, keep hanging in there, you are very courageous in sharing that you had a slight trip....
im just sending you a loving hug.
hope you can feel it.

IO Storm

Trish..

Your experience with that dear man in the hotel...your dear grams, your compassion,

all of your experiences up to this point..your taking care of your grams today..

your decision (today) to try NA, are "big picture" things...

Relapse has been a major part of my recovery. Part of the big picture.

Things might seem like a puzzle at the moment..but something is working

on your behalf. Lot of thoughts and prayers going out toward you and grams

right now, and more as others log on....we are a family here.

Try and get some rest, too.

Love,

Sher