Will47

Greetings everyone.

Well, let me get right to the point. I fell of the path last Friday. On the 13th day of my sobrietry and two days after joining this community, I f***ed it all up. Bought a fifth of rum during the snow storm. Didn't get drunk. Didn't drink it all. Didn't get in any fights. Didn't hurt anyone. Yet, all the shame and self-loathing came back in full force. The fact is, I know I can't drink. I know it was wrong.

My girlfriend didn't even get upset with me. She was too disappointed. Tremendously let down because of my selfishness. Because of this wretched, rotten f***ing need in me to numb myself with liquid poison.

And here's an example of my inability to control my consumption. Even though I didn't finish the bottle (I would've if my girlfriend didn't ask me to stop), I still pictured myself getting blitzed the next day. Alcoholic logic: "Oh, I'll throw in the towel this time, but tomorrow, tomorrow I will have my fill". I even thought, "Hey, I'll wait till' New Year's. I'll quit then." But the truth is, I cannot wait until New Year's. I have to quit NOW. No B.S. resolution will help me. I'll just keep putting it off.

So here I am again. Back at square one. Day three. I poured the rest of the rum down the sink. Starting again. And let me say ahead of time, I'm extremely thankful for any comments/thoughts you may have. I've been reading all your different threads and they truly are inspiriational. In hindsight, my fatal mistake the other night was not coming here first before I took that damned drink. I've always had a problem sharing my feelings/thoughts (especially my problem with alcohol), but I can do that no longer. So, my goal here is to open up more, allow myself to experience some vulnerablility, to hopefully grow from it, and share my support and thoughts with anyone who will listen.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm still extremely disgusted with myself for taking that drink, but I am committed to staying on the right path. Take care and Merry Christmas.

-Will

TryingSoHard

Good riddance!

Yep. Get in the habit of doing whatever it takes to NOT pick up that drink. Post here. Read here. Go to a meeting. Call someone. WHATEVER you have to do. I find that coming here really helps A LOT. If you can get to the point where you feel comfortable posting and asking for help, please do so. If it takes a while to get there, at least come here and read all the other posts. It's almost impossible not to find something relevant and helpful.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

ExNavyInHouston

That was my exact thought 3 days ago as well.

Glad your back and here with me (us) on the same path.

Forgive yourself FAST! At least you didn't write the post with the rum still you -- you are at three days and that's something right now.

Hevyn

Will, don't be depressed about it - rejoice in the fact that you know what has to be done. I, and many others here, have had false starts and finally got it together. At your age I still had decades of drinking & destruction ahead of me. I've had success for almost a year, thanks to my friends here, but I don't always come here either when I should. I need to work on that. Everything's going to be ok, Will.

Horselover

Better to be at the beginning then at the end of the story. You can do it. Post on here if the urge arises, which it most likely will. Start formulating a plan on what you'll do next time if you aren't able to post on SR. Do you need to meet with people that are sober face to face? Do you need to change your routine?

Thanks for coming on here and posting. It helps us all and hopefully, you will be helped also.

CarolD

To make the healthy positive lifestyle changes
I needed for sobriety....I began my AA committment.

It's an awesome adventure ...

Glad you are planning a fresh start

Anna

Hi Will,

I'm glad you're back.

I think that recognizing my 'addict voice' was a big step. Once I realized, that the voice was trying to kill me, I could step back and make a choice to ignore it. And, my addiction did want to kill me, no question about that. It's great that you're back and that you have an open mind.

least

I love you, as I was loved when I came here. You can do this, with our support and love, you can do this. It took me months, I hope you are quicker, but I finally "got it". I cannot even have one drop of that poison, as I cannot stop once I start. So I cannot drink anything, one day at a time. It's worked for me for nearly six months, it can work for you too.

tay-lyn

Don't be so hard on yourself. We are all here because sobriety isn't easy. Getting sober is super hard. Staying sober is work. Everyone here can relate to your thoughts and motives....and disappointments.
For myself...getting sober, staying sober, thoughts of never drinking again...seems almost impossible. I've done it before. I've been successful and I've failed. All I can keep doing is try. TRY TRY TRY.
Even if we have to struggle everyday for the rest of our lives, it is better than throwing in the towel.
People deal with disease and sickness in their lives everyday... not just alcoholics...we are no different from someone who struggles with other sickness, we have to learn how to manage our disease and live with it...managing our disease doesn't mean it goes away (unfortunately)...it just makes us healthier...and eventually happier.
Tay.

downtown3

Reminding yourself of how bad you will feel the next day when nursing a crippling hangover is one way of abstinence but I find after only 16 days sobriety is reminding myself of the demoralizing guilt i will have to deal with. Failure to keep my word not to a stranger, family member or good friend but myself. "I cant even be true to myself, how pathetic am I" That deters me much more than any hangover i could put myself in. Good luck to you and all the best

Will47

Okay, just had a chance to go through all your great posts. Gratitude to: exnavy, hevyn, horselover, carol d, classical, 51anna, least, tay-lyn. Thank you all for the informative and kind posts.

And, "classical", please don't take that drink tonight. I know the urges can be overwhelming, but you don't need that s***. We know this. And trust me, your 11 Days is a solid achievement. I threw mine away last week and I've been kicking myself ever since. It's not worth it. F*** alcohol. You're stronger. Own it.

In closing, I look forward to exploring everyone's threads. One thing I've learned from them--perhaps the most important thing so far--is dealing with the moment. In the NOW. I know I will NOT DRINK TODAY. Hopefully I will see you all here with this same resolve tomorrow. Keep fighting the good fight.

--Will

Will47

Just a quick update. Overcame the urge to drink today. My girlfriend left to visit her family earlier, which normally would've been my signal to start a week-long downward spiral of boozing, poor health, black outs, etc. But this time, I said no. I went to the gym and silenced the beast. It's only Day 4, but even this semblance of self-control is a tremendous gift in the wake of what could've been. So the onward march continues...

bstt03

yeah Will good for you! And hit that gym - get some sore muscles instead of a hangover. I am know I am nursing some of those right now - OUCH!

Will47

Hey everyone. Just wanted to let you guys know I won't be on the site for the next four or five days (Christmas obligations/family/etc.), but your support so far as been amazing. If I do get tempted to drink, I will find my way on here first before even thinking about giving in. Today is Day 6. Hope to see you on Day 10.

Merry Christmas.

--Will

flutter

Merry Christmas, Will. This is my day 7. Remember we'll be with you in our thoughts!