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Day 1 - Again

Old 12-21-2008, 08:51 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Brightening View Post
Day 6 here, and welcome. This site has given me some much-needed venting and support this week. Not going back now...

I throw the support right bakatcha! I know the psychological importance you are going to feel when you say "a week ago" when you talk about it tomorrow on Day 7.

Originally Posted by Brightening View Post
I'm real secular and don't dig the meeting thing (not to say others haven't been helped tremendously by them). Reading about AVRT (google it) helped me a lot. I, like you, didn't drink what I would describe as an awful lot...just wine, and always at night.
I'm much the same. I already beat you to the AVRT thing and I really like the "positive" aspects of the message of that man.

Having said that, I have nothing but respect for those who find their way in other programs. I have done those too - I have seen it help change the lives of many people. Whatever works - right?

I may have not typed it correctly, but I think I did drink a lot. Besides 7 Days a week, I would typically exceed 6 units every time. Most of the time average near 10 or more.

Last Christmas someone gave me one of those little tiny wine fridges that holds about 15 bottles. I shoveled bottles into it like a train engineer tosses coal into the fiery engine of a steam train.

I know quantity is highly individual, and someone who used to drink two liters of vodka a day or a case of beer would pat me on the top of head as though I was in the minor league. But I get what you are saying for sure.

For me, it was all about the next morning. I hated that sick feeling. I despise the insecurity and small feelings of not remembering what you have done, or regretting the things you could remember. I was getting to where I couldn't stand the way a 5 - 12 hour drinking binge could cost me 24 following hours in feeling sick. So sick that I couldn't even get a new drink in me to help kill the hangover.

I was gauging brands of wine and their quality on some fictional measurement of how much of a buzz did I feel after the first bottle. Did I need to finish a second one to have the "just right buzz?" Or did I need a couple hard liquor drinks to top it off.

Out in public, I was either into Guinness or Scotch. But those all changed over time as I gave the same ******** lies to myself we all do about, switching liquors because of the way they gave us a buzz or how sick a binge on one of them made you sick the next day.

The "beast" was definitely up in my ear, thanking me for making sure my hands were full and ready to serve him.

Now Day 2 is officially here.

As I wrote earlier, I woke up at midnight last night on my couch after a 2 hour period of sleep. I had moved on to the Director's Audio comments on a movie call "Bug" (directed by William Friedkin - The Exorcist/French Connection). It has so many addiction references it was like being in a Tsunami of everything you can do wrong to yourself.

So, then my insomnia kicked in and I studied the internet having a 5-hour meeting in research and coming back here posting and looking for threads where my life experience made me feel qualified to comment.

I did sleep from 5:30 until 10 AM and here I am now.
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Old 12-21-2008, 09:08 AM
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Hi Ex and Welcome to SR! I think most of us know how you feel. I know I sure did. While I did way more pills than alcohol I had many many blackouts. I am so very grateful that I no longer live like that. I had an aversion to meetings. But once I started going I could see how much they helped me. I am now clean and sober for 23 months. For someone like me that is a miracle b/c I used every day for 15 years.

Please keep posting!
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Old 12-21-2008, 09:30 AM
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ExNavy, if you haven't found them already, I've found these sites to be very helpful, especially for a hardcore secularist like myself:

LifeRing Home Page

SMART RecoveryŽ

Worldwide Agnostic A.A. Meetings

Addiction - Non 12 Step - Support Group - Index

DK
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Old 12-21-2008, 09:40 AM
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Thanks Doorknob:

I spent Midnight to 5 AM reading those sites too (well some of them).
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:32 PM
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I'm laying down for sleep at the end of Day 2. I spent much of my day looking around this site.

I also went to see the new Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man. Very funny.

My head is still a little foggy and there is no doubt something is happening with my body, but nothing severe.

Thanks to you all for your support over the last two days.
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Old 12-22-2008, 03:38 AM
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Waking up to Day 3!

It's Christmas week, but I don't expect any triggers from the Holiday. But then who ever knows when those are going to come.

I already have a pretty good exercise routine of Spinning and Boot Camp Classes. So this morning I went to the 24 Hour Fitness web page and mapped out classes for today through Wednesday at various clubs around town.

I'll be checking in throughout the day.
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:10 AM
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keep at it ENIH

and watch them expectations...

good wishes, and Happy Holidays...
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Old 12-22-2008, 09:19 AM
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Oh crap!

So much for an easy detox. I got the gym parking lot and my hands started shaking so bad (tremors) that I didn't go in.

I thought maybe I was just hungry, because sometimes when I do get hungry I get that crazy shakey feeling. I drove straight to a Sourdough Breakfast Jack. An hour later I am not as shakey, but feel jittery (not sure if these are all different words for the same thing).

When I look in the mirror, my eyes are still glassy and the whites are not all that white. Worst of all I look 10 years older for some reason - worn out.

I'm not craving or having any negative thoughts, just reporting the news.
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Old 12-22-2008, 03:27 PM
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Alright, near 1730 now, and here is my latest symptom - swollen torso area.

I feel all bloated out.

Is it normal for this during early withdrawal?

I don't feel bad, but I seem overly bloated in my belly area.
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Old 12-22-2008, 06:43 PM
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Thanks Classical.

I'm doing fine.

Over the last few days I've made contact with all of the people who I feel need to know right away for my support - family, best friends and a girl I broke up with this last summer because I didn't want her to discover my secret drunk life.

There acquaintances left to tell, people who I mostly had drinking in common with but also friendships with - such as people from my scuba diving club.

Then there are the totally drinking buddies who have my number in their cell who may call, but I will politely have plans when they call - until they no longer call.

Of course there will be people who I only had drinking in common with -- who will just fade away.

I'm also doing something different this time - I'm packing all my liquor up, all my drinking supplies, my wine fridge and all my wine. One of my friends bought a nice house recently and he is putting together a bar/ game room area so I am giving him all my stuff.

I am so open with my life with those close to me, and I think that's what was bothering me most as my drinking went to it's lowest level was my having that secret life.

So many people knew me as a fun guy, in control of his life, my business was going well. What they didn't realize, is when I left them at the end of the evening saying I was headed home I was going to meet my "hard drinking friends." Or if I wasn't going to hard bars I was going home to drink more.
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Old 12-22-2008, 06:45 PM
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hey, if it gets too bad, head to the ER

if you read about my home detox, you would probably be there already...

my edit...

i just read your latest post, that 3 hours has made a difference, thats good news...
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Old 12-22-2008, 06:52 PM
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Thanks Rusty ... I am doing quite well now. The only thing I am feeling is some light pressure on my head - the old head in a vice thing. But it is light pressure.

I just got off the phone with an old Navy buddy. He suffers like us. He was telling me he had just slipped after 9 months. Went to a company Christmas party and next thing he knew he was in stripper bar, blacked out and $400 poorer.

I am giving him a link to our forum here.
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Old 12-22-2008, 08:46 PM
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I'm about to put a lid on Day 3 and hit the rack. So far so good.

Thank you all for checking in on me.
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Old 12-22-2008, 08:48 PM
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Hey, ExNavy. Good to see ya hangin' in there!
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Old 12-23-2008, 06:19 AM
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It's the morning of Day 4. Some good things happened yesterday and some strange things.

I wrote about the strange already, but the good were outstanding. Mainly, I learned of Liquid Mind from another member of SR.

It's amazing Ambient New Age music that is beatless and mostly seamless between tracks.

This stuff is amazing for chilling out, relaxing, and falling asleep.

I just ordered 4 CDs off Amazon.

The main guy behind it all is Chuck Wild, the keyboardist for the 80s band Missing Persons (Walking in LA & Words), but this stuff is nothing like that.

This music is a lot like what is played in futuristic movies during a space walk or during the movie the Abyss.

Google Last FM and you can listen to a ton of this free.

This discovery alone made the whole day worth while, because of my problems with sleeping.

Last night I could tell I was going to have another crappy sleep night, so I went to I-Tunes and ordered a couple CD's I hadn't ordered from Amazon. I let them play on lap top and I slept like a baby from midnight until 4:30.

I got on here and I saw where the person answered my Private Message Thank you and bragged how he grabbed an extra 45 minutes sleep just this morning. So I put my headphones on and rolled over about 5:30 and I am just now waking up at 8AM.

A great night's sleep is a heck of a way to start Day 4.

I do think the grieving is starting though. This past year I discovered the Wine Country north of San Francisco (Sonoma, Napa). I flew out there twice this year and had the greatest times at the wineries.

I woke thinking, "Awww man, I will never get to do that again."

It wasn't a craving or anything, but more a reminder that not every time I drank did I go to the "Dark Place."

Don't worry - I went to the DP enough to know it out weighs returning to a fancy mansion with beautiful scenery filled with the Devil's Elixir.
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Old 12-23-2008, 06:42 AM
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Way to go on reaching four days! The physical effects of withdrawal should be mostly over by now. There will still be 'bumps' in the road ahead, dealing with the other elements of drinking, but I promise you it will get better. Just stay sober one day at a time.
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Old 12-23-2008, 09:33 AM
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Good job, ExNavy! I have a soft spot for military guys and gals. I worked for the USO at one time. An amazing experience, a great privilege for me.

Keep taking it one day at a time. Believe me, it does get so much better. Don't worry about what you might miss. by giving the the wine country a miss. for now. In the bigger picture, you could miss out on true happiness. Just take care of today.

Love,

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Old 12-23-2008, 12:32 PM
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Thank you all.

Lenina -- I was Navy for just under 9 years from 91-99. It was one of my better decisions in life.

Life is good for me now too and getting better every day.

I just got in from an excellent spinning class. The first one since that last drink day. I was really good making 3 - 5 a week up until the last 3 months when I really starting drinking more and more.

I was always very "functional" (or so we think). But these last 3 months I shifted priorities. My exercise time was always my gauge if I was still engaged in the real world. When it started to slip it was really what helped me realize it was time to admit what I had become (again).

Least -- my next bump in the road is a planned trip to Las Vegas for the Super Bowl. I don't think I will be tempted to drink there -- I am just so afraid I will be so incredibly bored. I will have to work out an entertainment plan.
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Old 12-23-2008, 02:15 PM
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Congrats on getting to Day 4 ExNavy!! Keep up the good work!! Sounds like you are thinking things through logically and we all know for us alkies that is not always easy..so good for you...you're doing awesome!
Try not to get too ahead of yourself...keep it simple and deal with today or this minute or second if you need to....I find if I start thinking about things I need to do next week...I get overwhelmed...so keep it simple!
My thoughts & prayers are with ya!!
xoxoxo
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Old 12-23-2008, 05:30 PM
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I was doing great almost all day, then I think I relapsed into withdrawal mode. I started feeling that head squeeze sensation. I feel like if someone else was here I would be very anxious about it and maybe snippy with them.

Thank goodness I am safely in my bed all alone where I can get through this and wake up to Day 5.

I screwed up and slept from 5 to 7. Whenever I nap in the day I have a really hard time sleeping that night.
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