StrongBird

I was lucky: aside from one broken marriage, I didn't get in too much lasting trouble from drinking. Now that I'm sober, I'm pissed off at things. At work, at my ex, at everything. It's a really awful feeling.

My alcoholic voice says, "hey, when you gave me beer, I wasn't mad anymore! God probably liked you more when you were drunk because you were not planning these crazy vengeful schemes in your head to 'get back at' people. God was probably glad you were drinking alone on your couch to deal with stuff and I'm sure God doesn't want you to walk around stewing and angry all the time so just go get a case of beer and make the happy feelings come back. Come on....."

I need to shut her up, but she's making a good point. I wasn't angry or vengeful when I was drinking and now I'm like the freaking Incredible Hulk over here. Is it really an improvement?

Trying-to-stay-sober-me say, "yes, of course it is," but then stupid-alcoholic-but-also-charming-and-persuasive-me says "but, but... how come?" And I can't come up with a good reply for that voice.

So instead getting drunk to shut up this whole conversation that, by the way, really sucks... I'm asking you guys for help instead.

flutter

I hate that voice! That voice is stonger than anyone in my family, my husband, my own inner voice. I guess what had, and will again help me to stay sober is thinking of where drinking will lead you down the road. I did drink again, I was cool with 2 beers at the game, or 3 drinks on a Saturday night, the voice started bargaining.. I lost control. I'm sick of looking back thinking "I ALMOST didn't listen... I ALMOST didn't f*&% up again", I never want to feel that, so I'm just gonna be rude to your alky voice and tell her to STFU LEAVE STRONGBIRD ALONE!

Ok (yes I know my e-voice isn't as strong, but maybe if some of us yell loud enough, together we can be!!!!!)

tommyk

I have that voice too, I call it "my disease talking to me".

I laugh at it.

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

bugsworth

The voice is a liar...you know that for a fact...One should never bargain with a liar.

As Tommy said you are not alone.

least

StrongBird, your post is more timely than you may know. I've been feeling the same ways lately: angry, irritated, frustrated - all the anxious feelings that I drowned out with wine in the past. I too have been having terrible urges to drink, and not just to drink, but to get smashed.

I had a little revelation today. I was coming home from cleaning my mom's house and since she paid me for it, I had money. I was so tempted to get a bottle of wine and drink it and just pass out on my bed. BUT... I went back to the First Step: ADMITTING I WAS POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND THAT MY LIFE (with alcohol) WAS QUITE UNMANAGEABLE. I went home without getting a bottle and now am sitting here wondering what to do with these intense feelings of anxiety and stress.

The one thing I know now I will NOT do is drink. If I were to drink my life would become even more unmanageable and I'd have to go thru the shame and regret and physical agony of withdrawal... and I'm NOT going to put myself thru that!

It helps me so much to come here and let my feelings out and to realize I'm not alone in these feelings of desperation and anxiety. But I am going to take my dogs for a nice walk and then come home and make some chicken soup and watch a movie - sober, and without pain and shame and regret.

I've been hearing my alcoholic voice too much lately, and I'm going to join you in telling it to STFU!!! We can get thru this and come out stronger!

love ya!!

Jomey

As stated, your alcoholic voice is a liar. God is never happy to watch us self destruct.

And it is always better to feel - even the bitter, angry, vengeful feelings - than to be numb. If you can't control the anger and bitterness, you can get some councelling and be happy and healthy.

If you drink to numb those feelings, you will never really cope with them, you will need to drink more and more to numb them, and you know what can happen after that!

Great post StrongBird! Keep up the good work.

choose2bhappy

I relapsed because of anger. I was so angry with my SO I could not take it. I thought I could have some drinks and watch movies, eat and just go to bed. Nope.

I did feel some relief after a few drinks, but after several drinks I blacked out and the anger was still there..and I said things to my SO that I don't remember that he didnt deserve no matter what our differences. I still have anger...but I only hurt myself that night. I got very sick.

I have 20 days today and finally I look better, I have a healthy glow, my eyes are bright and I have calm and optimism today.

Some people who go out and drink can nurse a hangover and be fine on Sunday. It takes someone like me weeks...with all the relapses and repair and disrepair my mind body and spirit have been through. I am grateful to be on the road to wellness, and to want to get up early and get out and do stuff.

OMG..the other night I felt grateful just to be out running errands at 7pm...I thought "my god there was a time I could not just run out to Staples right now because I was in no shape to drive at 7PM' It's having the world at your fingertips.

When I fist decided to kick alcohol and drugs(I had to want to..and it is hard) I felt like I had a new bike...my god I can go anywhere with this bike! I have a new bike and I can take it anywhere I want.

With sobriety you can and will go anywhere you want..tell that to your voice

Dee74

What Jomey says is true.

Early sobriety was a roller coaster of emotions for me - all those feelings I held in check for so long by numbing myself, all came tumbling out at once.

It can be bewildering and scary, but it does settle down, Strong Bird

D

Dean62

Your AV doesn't speak for God so there is no point in entertaining any of this. As Bugs said, it's a liar.

This may sound strange but lately I have found reaching out to help other people instead of reaching out for help from other people melts away all desires to drink. I don't even notice it's gone until after the fact.

I'm not saying reaching out for help is bad. I need all the help I can get. We need both and this is a good place for both.

StrongBird

Thank you guys... you're right. I felt better just by posting to people who could understand. Then I had some lunch, took a nice long, hot bath, and took a nap. I have stuff to do to get the house ready for my parents but it wouldn't have gotten done if I was drunk either so I decided to just be gentle with myself and relax the honest way. I pretty much had a fullblown HALT episode going on that I totally was unable to recognize at the time, but now that my head is quiet, I'm pretty proud that I didn't cope in the usual way. It's good to see that those types of feelings won't last forever even if I DON'T drink them away.

Mark75

My voice whispers... then I think it's mine. If you pick up this feeling will go away, or that problem will be solved. Sneaky *******. I think it's mine, and then I start justifying. Even worse... thankfully I catch it, well, so far.

I'm with the consensus : STFU

YaySartre

StrongBird, Jomey and pretty much everybody else here has it exactly right. That voice in your head is lying to you, don't bargain and don't be seduced.

You're feeling things. Intensely. It's part of the journey. Just be mindful of what you say and do. This is natural, especially for those of us who feel extenuating circumstances are making abstaining and modifying our previous behaviors more difficult. Finding my 'pause button' has been difficult, maybe almost as difficult as refusing to drink on day 1. Keep on going.

Just think kindly of yourself, if you can. Don't be too rough. This is a new chance.

Anna

Hi StrongBird,

I think it is all about finding ways to deal with the emotions that you are feeling.

I found that exercise, specifically long walks, helped me immensely. It made me feel better physically and got me outside of my head.

IO Storm

It is courageous of you to share this...and so very healthy.

You have just kicked the living daylights out of denial, and the rat voice of addiction.

Normal drinkers do not think like your quote above....

Unbelievable, but they don't. Lucky devils, they can have "just one."

We have lost our ability to drink, or think normally when it comes to alcohol.

By writing down your thoughts as you did...it is so clear, isn't it?

Thank you for the reminder tonight.

We are all one drink away from a drunk, and we are all in this thing together.

And yes..it is better.

Being angry is better than being numb. It is waking up, and feeling your feelings.

Strongbird is just trying to "catch up" with StrongBird. Like catching up with an old friend

you haven't seen in a long while..whom you love dearly, and have some things to work out.

It is a good thing. Stay connected to others, stay safe.

Stay sober.

Hugs

Hugs

coffeenut

You are stronger than that voice. And everytime you ignore that voice, you become even More powerful.

Mark75

IO - You just blew me away with what you said.

Mark

Brightening

It occurred to me yesterday when I was having a rough time that the AV is much like the spirit from the movie Poltergeist that lures Carol Anne. Remember what the creepy old psychic says about it?

"It LIES to her. It speaks in a way that only a child can understand. To her, it simply IS another child."

If you remember the ominous way she said it, and replace "child" with your own name, well... for me that just pegs it. Whenever I feel that old AV whispering, I'm just going to think of that old lady, pulling me back to reality. My own mental rescue brigade...

michigangirl

I am on Day 2 again. This post and thread really hit home for me. thank you everyone for your comments. The main reasons I fail everytime I try is because of anxiety and THAT VOICE!! I know everyone is different, but how long does that voice stick around? I am trying to be more prepared this time, now that i am learning were I am weak.

splendra

This is what I think of what your A voice is saying you: You don't know diddley STFU.

Rusty Zipper

SB, i have that little voice too, now its held hostage...

when i first came around, that voice was the Band of Gypsy's in my head...

and the whole dang Caraven!

they were always was trying to get one over on me...

so, what worked for me was, i kept saying...

"Hey Zip, are you going to believe a bunch of drunk!"

SB, thats been work'n for almost six years!