Rough Day
Moving out of Limbo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Rough Day
Today was the last day of school for me, and I managed to finish my painting for the critique at school. But the day was horrible. I felt so alone. I really missed my girlfriend and the way she used to look at me. (She's almost 2 years sober, and I did another thread earlier this week about the details of the breakup a week and a half ago.)
I still don't have cravings to get high right now (10 days sober), but I don't know if having new emotions every 15 minutes has anything to do with not being high anymore or soley from the breakup. Anyway, I choked my way through the critique at school after getting up early and painting with a lump in my throat. I don't know how I did it. But the semester is over now, and that is quite a relief. I have some time to reflect and just live.
I have also been full of guilt, about past compulsive actions I have taken like 8 or 9 years ago. Addiction is my name. Luckily, I haven't bottomed out on alot of other slippery slopes, but I still feel shame and embarrassment. All this past buried stuff has haunted me. I know I am different now, even years before I quit getting high recently, but super bad things I have done still bother me.
After school at about 6 I was supposed to be at my mom's to eat dinner and meet up with my brother to trim mom's christmas tree, but on the way over there, I thought about calling my ex-gf. I was wondering if it was because I wanted to control things, or because I just wanted to hug her. I realized it was the latter. So I texted her, asking if she was home. She called back and said that was weird because she was about to call me.
I told myself to not give in to trying to control a reconciliation of the relationship, and just embrace her. That's what I did. She opened the door, and we just hugged each other, silently for 10 minutes. She started crying, and I cried too. It felt so good just to do that with her. We talked and hugged more for about 30 minutes. My getting high was my priority in our relationship, as I have detailed before, but she said tonight that she has alot of addictions, including love and relationships. She was always in a relationship before me. She said she just needs to be alone. I asked her if I was just another addiction, and she said "I don't know". But she looked at me like she loved me, and cried. Then we talked about sobriety and I let her know how much I care for her and how great she is. I feel good about that. We held each other like it was the first time. I'm glad I saw her. But I have to live today and today only.
Then I went to mom's, and tonight I told her about my addiction and that I am 10 days sober. She had no idea I was getting high, and I told her that I have for a long time. She took it well, but is used to being around the program in al-anon. It wasn't an issue, and she just fed me (lol). It was a relaxing night at mom's, something I have taken for granted for far too long.
Hope everyone here is doing ok. Love you guys.
I still don't have cravings to get high right now (10 days sober), but I don't know if having new emotions every 15 minutes has anything to do with not being high anymore or soley from the breakup. Anyway, I choked my way through the critique at school after getting up early and painting with a lump in my throat. I don't know how I did it. But the semester is over now, and that is quite a relief. I have some time to reflect and just live.
I have also been full of guilt, about past compulsive actions I have taken like 8 or 9 years ago. Addiction is my name. Luckily, I haven't bottomed out on alot of other slippery slopes, but I still feel shame and embarrassment. All this past buried stuff has haunted me. I know I am different now, even years before I quit getting high recently, but super bad things I have done still bother me.
After school at about 6 I was supposed to be at my mom's to eat dinner and meet up with my brother to trim mom's christmas tree, but on the way over there, I thought about calling my ex-gf. I was wondering if it was because I wanted to control things, or because I just wanted to hug her. I realized it was the latter. So I texted her, asking if she was home. She called back and said that was weird because she was about to call me.
I told myself to not give in to trying to control a reconciliation of the relationship, and just embrace her. That's what I did. She opened the door, and we just hugged each other, silently for 10 minutes. She started crying, and I cried too. It felt so good just to do that with her. We talked and hugged more for about 30 minutes. My getting high was my priority in our relationship, as I have detailed before, but she said tonight that she has alot of addictions, including love and relationships. She was always in a relationship before me. She said she just needs to be alone. I asked her if I was just another addiction, and she said "I don't know". But she looked at me like she loved me, and cried. Then we talked about sobriety and I let her know how much I care for her and how great she is. I feel good about that. We held each other like it was the first time. I'm glad I saw her. But I have to live today and today only.
Then I went to mom's, and tonight I told her about my addiction and that I am 10 days sober. She had no idea I was getting high, and I told her that I have for a long time. She took it well, but is used to being around the program in al-anon. It wasn't an issue, and she just fed me (lol). It was a relaxing night at mom's, something I have taken for granted for far too long.
Hope everyone here is doing ok. Love you guys.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
James,
Thanks. I need to hear over and over again that people can be told. I'm not there yet. Good for you, though, for talking to your mom. And ... you should be really proud of yourself for how you handled a "rough day." I love happy endings, don't you? Even when they're just one day at a time. I hope your holidays are wonderful.
Thanks. I need to hear over and over again that people can be told. I'm not there yet. Good for you, though, for talking to your mom. And ... you should be really proud of yourself for how you handled a "rough day." I love happy endings, don't you? Even when they're just one day at a time. I hope your holidays are wonderful.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I hope you find peace in your life and your relationship with your exgf. Try not to think too far ahead, but stay in the moment - just for today. I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
Moving out of Limbo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
least- Thanks for reminding me to stay in today. When I'm not doing that, I'm trying to control things. And trying to control things has alot to do with my disease of addiction. I have to live today, because if I don't, I wall fall apart mentally. Thanks.
christin1225- Yeah, I have to accept the bad with the good. That's life. But I have this feeling that by taking it one day at a time, things will get better. I project about everything. And getting my fix was a way to not do that. Now it's time to rebuild my life, one day at a time.... Also, yes, there is much humility in admitting addiction/alcoholism to parents. It's like a punch in the gut, but I knew I had to. It was my time. I pray you will know when the right time is for you. I think you will. Take care of you. Thank you for sharing.
bamboozle- Hello to you! Take care of yourself today. Good to hear from you.
Hugs to all of you.
christin1225- Yeah, I have to accept the bad with the good. That's life. But I have this feeling that by taking it one day at a time, things will get better. I project about everything. And getting my fix was a way to not do that. Now it's time to rebuild my life, one day at a time.... Also, yes, there is much humility in admitting addiction/alcoholism to parents. It's like a punch in the gut, but I knew I had to. It was my time. I pray you will know when the right time is for you. I think you will. Take care of you. Thank you for sharing.
bamboozle- Hello to you! Take care of yourself today. Good to hear from you.
Hugs to all of you.
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