Need some ES&P today!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Need some ES&P today!
My non-AW has a nightly drink just before bed. I've posted about this, mostly in Friends and Family. Apologies to anyone whose getting sick of hearing about it. Yesterday was our office christmas party. My wife and I work together. It went as well as it could. Was looking forward to time alone afterward. But it was tense...I have a call out to my sponsor.
I'm still trying to get my head around it, I'm making some progress, but each new wall I break through, another gets built up again. Damn...
We have tried to talk about it several times.
OK... I know that she is non A. She is an adult and should be able to have a drink in her own home. I am the one with the disease, I should, in her words, "Suck it up" and I was the one who "F$#ked up". She has settled down a little and her posture has softened... But she resents being made to feel defensive about it.
I have been able to sit with her in the same room some nights. I'll sip on herbal tea for sleep while she enjoys her white wine spritzer. Some nights, well, most nights, I'll just read (or come here to SR) in another room until bed and then we turn in together...
I was able on Sunday to tell her I feel.... Shame that my disease makes it so I can't join her, Guilt. I feel like the bad boy who has to stand in the corner and can't do what the grown ups can... Lonely, damn lonely. And of course, the, "I'll have to do this forever???" It helped to talk it over. But it doesn't change the fact that she has a drink before bed, and I need to get over it...
I know I need to give her space, and probably should just go to bed. But that increases the loneliness and, part of my pill addiction was insomnia and sleeping pills, and I can't sleep because I am thinking too much about it. It's made worse sometimes because she almost comes out and tells me to go to bed. I know she feels this way because I make her feel self conscious if I'm still up and if I go to bed, she doesn't have to think about me and how I'll feel if she drinks in front of me. But it sucks, because I am sleeping so much better now without all the alcohol and even the sleeping pills. And I love to go to sleep with her next to me, something we have missed the last 2-3 years, because before rehab and my recovery, I'd just have a few drinks, take a pill and leave her alone downstairs with her Newsweek, or People, whatever, and I'd pass out in bed.
But now I have FEAR... I don't want to go through life with me in bed and her downstairs at what is probably the only time of the day we get to have quiet time together. FEAR about what happens on christmas eve, when we have always had time together and a couple of drinks by the fire with the christmas music. AND more FEAR, because, hmmm, maybe I should start taking some type of sleeping pill and just knock myself out, like I used to do.... Let her have her space...Really, I started to think like that a little bit today. That's why I am posting. I got to share it...
How can I let go ????
This is so hard. We love each other so much. I don't want to make her feel smothered and not free to do the things she enjoys. But, damn, as speaker in rehab said, and now I really know it's true, "last I heard, early recovery still sucks..."
I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'll be stronger tomorrow.
Thanx for letting me share.
Mark
I'm still trying to get my head around it, I'm making some progress, but each new wall I break through, another gets built up again. Damn...
We have tried to talk about it several times.
OK... I know that she is non A. She is an adult and should be able to have a drink in her own home. I am the one with the disease, I should, in her words, "Suck it up" and I was the one who "F$#ked up". She has settled down a little and her posture has softened... But she resents being made to feel defensive about it.
I have been able to sit with her in the same room some nights. I'll sip on herbal tea for sleep while she enjoys her white wine spritzer. Some nights, well, most nights, I'll just read (or come here to SR) in another room until bed and then we turn in together...
I was able on Sunday to tell her I feel.... Shame that my disease makes it so I can't join her, Guilt. I feel like the bad boy who has to stand in the corner and can't do what the grown ups can... Lonely, damn lonely. And of course, the, "I'll have to do this forever???" It helped to talk it over. But it doesn't change the fact that she has a drink before bed, and I need to get over it...
I know I need to give her space, and probably should just go to bed. But that increases the loneliness and, part of my pill addiction was insomnia and sleeping pills, and I can't sleep because I am thinking too much about it. It's made worse sometimes because she almost comes out and tells me to go to bed. I know she feels this way because I make her feel self conscious if I'm still up and if I go to bed, she doesn't have to think about me and how I'll feel if she drinks in front of me. But it sucks, because I am sleeping so much better now without all the alcohol and even the sleeping pills. And I love to go to sleep with her next to me, something we have missed the last 2-3 years, because before rehab and my recovery, I'd just have a few drinks, take a pill and leave her alone downstairs with her Newsweek, or People, whatever, and I'd pass out in bed.
But now I have FEAR... I don't want to go through life with me in bed and her downstairs at what is probably the only time of the day we get to have quiet time together. FEAR about what happens on christmas eve, when we have always had time together and a couple of drinks by the fire with the christmas music. AND more FEAR, because, hmmm, maybe I should start taking some type of sleeping pill and just knock myself out, like I used to do.... Let her have her space...Really, I started to think like that a little bit today. That's why I am posting. I got to share it...
How can I let go ????
This is so hard. We love each other so much. I don't want to make her feel smothered and not free to do the things she enjoys. But, damn, as speaker in rehab said, and now I really know it's true, "last I heard, early recovery still sucks..."
I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'll be stronger tomorrow.
Thanx for letting me share.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 117
It isn't about strength this time brother. We all have our down days...
I promise it's easier to say no than most people think.
In fact, just two days ago, after I found out about my cousin and after my mom admitted that she is also an addict, y father gave me $20 to buy a Basic Text. I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize, and it turns out it's an old dealer I used to run with. He says he has Roxi 15s, and he'll give me 4 for $20... Here I am, standing outside of where he works because I'm looking for a job, where he is calling from, and I turn away and without even thinking about it I say, "I don't do that **** anymore." I hang up the phone and he doesn't even call back.
I know the temptation is always there, especially when it's happening in your own home, and believe me, I know. Up until my mother left home, she was taking Roxi 30s and lorcet 10s and always left her pills laying around... The temptation was always there, but it's not that hard to say no.
Trust me Mark (that's my name too!), you're doing all the right things. You're doing exactly what you NEED to do, and not want. That's a huge accomplishment. And if I recall, you have over 90 days sober... Just think of everything you'll lose if you pick up. That's what I tell myself on a daily basis. I don't have a lot to lose at this point, but I'll lose my self-respect and that is SO important to me.
You're doing great!
I promise it's easier to say no than most people think.
In fact, just two days ago, after I found out about my cousin and after my mom admitted that she is also an addict, y father gave me $20 to buy a Basic Text. I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize, and it turns out it's an old dealer I used to run with. He says he has Roxi 15s, and he'll give me 4 for $20... Here I am, standing outside of where he works because I'm looking for a job, where he is calling from, and I turn away and without even thinking about it I say, "I don't do that **** anymore." I hang up the phone and he doesn't even call back.
I know the temptation is always there, especially when it's happening in your own home, and believe me, I know. Up until my mother left home, she was taking Roxi 30s and lorcet 10s and always left her pills laying around... The temptation was always there, but it's not that hard to say no.
Trust me Mark (that's my name too!), you're doing all the right things. You're doing exactly what you NEED to do, and not want. That's a huge accomplishment. And if I recall, you have over 90 days sober... Just think of everything you'll lose if you pick up. That's what I tell myself on a daily basis. I don't have a lot to lose at this point, but I'll lose my self-respect and that is SO important to me.
You're doing great!
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I just typed in a response and had it disapear when I posted. Oh well, here goes again.
What you are going through is normal. Even when something is not good for us, when we lose it we grieve. It is no different than the diabetic who has to pass on the piece of chocolate cake at someone's birthday party. They grieve the loss of the ability to eat what they want. Just as an alcoholic will go through a grieving process when they have to give up the alcohol. Part of that process is an anger phase. I went through the very same thing. I used to get so frustrated at all the alcohol commericals on tv. Hang in there though as this too shall pass.
What you are going through is normal. Even when something is not good for us, when we lose it we grieve. It is no different than the diabetic who has to pass on the piece of chocolate cake at someone's birthday party. They grieve the loss of the ability to eat what they want. Just as an alcoholic will go through a grieving process when they have to give up the alcohol. Part of that process is an anger phase. I went through the very same thing. I used to get so frustrated at all the alcohol commericals on tv. Hang in there though as this too shall pass.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
I think one of the best things you can do is to keep the lines of communication open between you. As long as you two can talk it out peacefully you're doing well. Part of it may well be your having to learn to just "suck it up" and deal with it in a healthy way. You are still in early recovery, so am I, and it's rough going for a while sometimes. Just keep talking and loving each other and this too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 117
Another important thing... KEEP TELLING ON YOURSELF! The longer you hold things inside, the more it's going to tear away at the walls you're trying to build around your disease.
I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hey
Thanx everyone. It's passing, that justification I was feeling was gettin' kind of scary. It was scary because I wasn't afraid... I was just getting getting into, I guess, relapse mode. The disease was telling me that it was OK... "find something to make yourself feel better"... it was whispering in my ear. I'm glad I told on myself.
I called one of my support people, will call sponsor. I'm glad I told on myself here. Thanx again everybody.
Way to go YGS (Mark) on hanging up that phone.
Well, still 94 days C&S. One freakin' minute at a time today....
Mark
Thanx everyone. It's passing, that justification I was feeling was gettin' kind of scary. It was scary because I wasn't afraid... I was just getting getting into, I guess, relapse mode. The disease was telling me that it was OK... "find something to make yourself feel better"... it was whispering in my ear. I'm glad I told on myself.
I called one of my support people, will call sponsor. I'm glad I told on myself here. Thanx again everybody.
Way to go YGS (Mark) on hanging up that phone.
Well, still 94 days C&S. One freakin' minute at a time today....
Mark
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
I have over two years now, Cubile...and it is very uncomfortable for me to be around
alcohol...maybe because it isn't too often. Yes..one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Remember how it was..I know you do..patience and tolerance will get you through this.
Congrats on 94 days!
alcohol...maybe because it isn't too often. Yes..one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Remember how it was..I know you do..patience and tolerance will get you through this.
Congrats on 94 days!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I just got off the phone with my sponsor. I told on myself, talked about my wife's nightly ritual. He's great, very patient and understanding yet tells it like it is. Feel better but have that emotional hangover. I can handle it.
He said I should bring the issue up at the start of tomorrow's meeting, which I'll do.
My youngest son's (8th grade) christmas concert is at the school today. This is the last time we will be at that school for this. We've been going every year for 15 years - all four kids went to that school. I'm sure the old heart strings will get tugged on tonight !!! After today, I'm sure I'll be emotionally wrung out. I'll make it - only 5-6 more hours and this day will be in the books.
Mark
He said I should bring the issue up at the start of tomorrow's meeting, which I'll do.
My youngest son's (8th grade) christmas concert is at the school today. This is the last time we will be at that school for this. We've been going every year for 15 years - all four kids went to that school. I'm sure the old heart strings will get tugged on tonight !!! After today, I'm sure I'll be emotionally wrung out. I'll make it - only 5-6 more hours and this day will be in the books.
Mark
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Enjoy the kid's concert tonight! I miss my girls' events like that since only one still in public school.
And hang in there! There will be good times in with the bad, for a little relief. Congrats on 94 days!
And hang in there! There will be good times in with the bad, for a little relief. Congrats on 94 days!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Have fun tonight Mark!
You did good today.
When my husband chooses to have a beer and watch tv, I sometimes just leave the room and come here to SR for the evening. His choice. My choice. Sometimes I can stay in the room and watch tv with him.
One day at a time!
You did good today.
When my husband chooses to have a beer and watch tv, I sometimes just leave the room and come here to SR for the evening. His choice. My choice. Sometimes I can stay in the room and watch tv with him.
One day at a time!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Cubile75 
Hey
Thanx everyone. It's passing, that justification I was feeling was gettin' kind of scary. It was scary because I wasn't afraid... I was just getting getting into, I guess, relapse mode. The disease was telling me that it was OK... "find something to make yourself feel better"... it was whispering in my ear. I'm glad I told on myself.
Mark
Thanx everyone. It's passing, that justification I was feeling was gettin' kind of scary. It was scary because I wasn't afraid... I was just getting getting into, I guess, relapse mode. The disease was telling me that it was OK... "find something to make yourself feel better"... it was whispering in my ear. I'm glad I told on myself.
Mark
That whispering in the ear is very clever. It will befriend you, praise you, flatter you and then when you stumble and fall it will be there to kick you when you are down. I know that voice in your head because he is in my head too.
Peace.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,500
Hi Mark,
Oh, the Christmas concert ritual. I remember when that came to end for me too and it is definitely something I miss.
I can tell you that my relationship with my husband has changed. I was married long before I began drinking and I had no boundaries. Now, I do and life is so much better. I am glad that my husband doesn't drink. He never had a problem, but seeing what alcohol did to me, put him off. So, we never have alcohol in the house, ever. I think that talking to your wife and expressing your concerns is the best thing to do.
Oh, the Christmas concert ritual. I remember when that came to end for me too and it is definitely something I miss.
I can tell you that my relationship with my husband has changed. I was married long before I began drinking and I had no boundaries. Now, I do and life is so much better. I am glad that my husband doesn't drink. He never had a problem, but seeing what alcohol did to me, put him off. So, we never have alcohol in the house, ever. I think that talking to your wife and expressing your concerns is the best thing to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hey folks
Christmas concert was fun. Kids are great - they just are what they are, no hidden agendas, just smiles and laughter. My kids are growing up ! Soon they'll all be adults...
I have given up trying to feel good today. It's just what it is today and I accept it. The subtle whispering has passed, thank God. Hard to defend against that sh#t... Now it's just a roaring urge to pick up and dull my discontent. That I can defend against, I know that enemy.
My wife doesn't understand, thinks I should snap out of it. Maybe she's afraid, like, how long does this go on for?? Doesn't mean she doesn't care, but she has limits on how much of this early recovery she can take. I don't know how much more of me I can take for cryin' out loud.
Enough whining - Thanx for being there. Maybe I'll be more fun tomorrow
Christmas concert was fun. Kids are great - they just are what they are, no hidden agendas, just smiles and laughter. My kids are growing up ! Soon they'll all be adults...
I have given up trying to feel good today. It's just what it is today and I accept it. The subtle whispering has passed, thank God. Hard to defend against that sh#t... Now it's just a roaring urge to pick up and dull my discontent. That I can defend against, I know that enemy.
My wife doesn't understand, thinks I should snap out of it. Maybe she's afraid, like, how long does this go on for?? Doesn't mean she doesn't care, but she has limits on how much of this early recovery she can take. I don't know how much more of me I can take for cryin' out loud.
Enough whining - Thanx for being there. Maybe I'll be more fun tomorrow
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Mark, my husband is a very high functioning A. He drinks every single night. I used to be his drinking buddy up until 6 months ago.
I just deal with it. It has changed our relationship dramatically. I'm sure it will continue to change. My husband is a good man. I will never leave him. Nor will I ever stop hoping that he quits drinking, too. But, even if he doesn't, I will remain sober. Hard? Of course. But, I'm worth it. :-)
I just deal with it. It has changed our relationship dramatically. I'm sure it will continue to change. My husband is a good man. I will never leave him. Nor will I ever stop hoping that he quits drinking, too. But, even if he doesn't, I will remain sober. Hard? Of course. But, I'm worth it. :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Oh boy...
Things went from bad to much worse. My wife picked up on how really bad I was feeling, tried to get me out of it, wasn't having much luck. She said I should just go onto bed. Self centered me wanted to just get hugs and maybe hoping she'd just forget the drink and we could just cozy up and get some hugs. I could tell her about how scary it was today...
So I was kind of waiting to see what was going to happen. Maybe I'd hang with her and/or in the next room, maybe we'd go to bed. I found her crying hysterically in the kitchen. It was pretty much what I've been saying it's about - her needing space, her alone time, it's all about me...
Big fight, she left for a few minutes.
I'm just so afraid. I really blew it. Why can't I just let go, let God? Why didn't I just go to bed? Let her have some peace and a brief respite from me and my f*#cking recovery. I am so selfish, self centered. Damn, damn, damn...
Well, maybe it'll be for the best. I know now how much she needs her space. How much more work I have to put into my recovery to gain my spiritual fitness... I've got to get my head out of my #ss and let her have it. If I have to go to bed alone, even if it's every night, let her have her space, I guess that's what I'll have to do.
Thanx for letting me share.
Things went from bad to much worse. My wife picked up on how really bad I was feeling, tried to get me out of it, wasn't having much luck. She said I should just go onto bed. Self centered me wanted to just get hugs and maybe hoping she'd just forget the drink and we could just cozy up and get some hugs. I could tell her about how scary it was today...
So I was kind of waiting to see what was going to happen. Maybe I'd hang with her and/or in the next room, maybe we'd go to bed. I found her crying hysterically in the kitchen. It was pretty much what I've been saying it's about - her needing space, her alone time, it's all about me...
Big fight, she left for a few minutes.
I'm just so afraid. I really blew it. Why can't I just let go, let God? Why didn't I just go to bed? Let her have some peace and a brief respite from me and my f*#cking recovery. I am so selfish, self centered. Damn, damn, damn...
Well, maybe it'll be for the best. I know now how much she needs her space. How much more work I have to put into my recovery to gain my spiritual fitness... I've got to get my head out of my #ss and let her have it. If I have to go to bed alone, even if it's every night, let her have her space, I guess that's what I'll have to do.
Thanx for letting me share.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by coffeenut
Mark, my husband is a very high functioning A. He drinks every single night. I used to be his drinking buddy up until 6 months ago.
I just deal with it. It has changed our relationship dramatically. I'm sure it will continue to change. My husband is a good man. I will never leave him. Nor will I ever stop hoping that he quits drinking, too. But, even if he doesn't, I will remain sober. Hard? Of course. But, I'm worth it. :-)
I just deal with it. It has changed our relationship dramatically. I'm sure it will continue to change. My husband is a good man. I will never leave him. Nor will I ever stop hoping that he quits drinking, too. But, even if he doesn't, I will remain sober. Hard? Of course. But, I'm worth it. :-)
Thanx coffeenut...
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