I drank in order to maintain the facade of who I was trying to be, when I knew I wasn't that person. I was terrified to see a glimpse of the real me.

First time I drank it was to "feel better" because I was depressed. I learned quickly how getting drunk allowed me to forget pain and emotions, so that's why I continued. I also *LIKED* the feeling of being drunk, the way I *thought* it made me look. The way it made me feel less self conscious, I lost that brain to mouth filter that kept me from saying what I really thought.

I drank for *ALL THE WRONG REASONS* and I''ve stopped for all the right ones =) I honestly don't feel my life is boring and I sure as hell know *I* am not boring. It's nice to read and remember the storyline to my books, it's nice to watch a movie and be able to discuss it with my Husband, it's nice to cook and not burn myself constantly because I'm too drunk to realize how hot the stove is.

I'm learning that alcohol kept me from being who I really need to be. As much as I thought it was helping me come out of a shell it was really putting me under lock and key. I'm getting to know myself and even though it's scary, it's wonderful as well~

When my drinking became chronic, there wasn't any particular reason why I drank. I drank when I was sad or happy. Bored or interested, busy or idle. Angry or calm. The fact that I drank for reasons that were in conflict with each other made me realize that I had reached the point that I was simply drinking out of habit. There really wasn't any reason for it anymore.

The question of boredom comes up a lot here. I was thinking about that today. I think my life was just as boring (occasionally) when I was drinking as it is (occasionally) now.
I used alcohol to enter into a fantasy world. My experience watching favorite films (repeatedly) was heightened to the point where I felt like I was IN the film; I would blow comments people made on talk forums way out of proportion, I would crank up the drama level in my arguments with my husband to real stage quality productions. I would spend long (drunk) periods of time during my day analyzing relationships I had with people or events in life, and dramatize them so that I could play the part of the heroine, the sufferer, the brave trooper. There was a lot of action going on in my life, but, of course, all of that action existed only in my head.

Existing in a fantasy world is not really the quality of life I want.

I can't say that my life is wildly exciting now; my sobriety is very new and rather fragile. I do know that I used to do a lot of things in life when I was younger and before alcohol took over; I was never bored.

So, for me, I am hoping that staying sober will give me the chance to return to the way I used to live. Alcohol took a lot of good things away from my life. I used to paint, photograph, I spent a lot of years creating art. I used to work with my hands a lot too, and there are objects around my house that I created. Then, there were the years when I didn't create anything.

I think everyone's journey of recovery is unique, with me I want to reclaim some of the things I used to have.

AA was that you! :jail

when i saw your name, i just had to... lol

Cubile - (Mark) - The most important part of your post to me...

****Keep going in sobriety ! Keep coming back ! ****

I have kept coming back, particularly to this thread. I have found the support here to be amazing! Thank you.

Hey AverageAmerican

Yea, this site has been a real Godsend for me. This early sobriety has been way harder than I thought it was gonna be. I can be feeling great one day, or one hour, and the next, my legs get kicked out from under me.

Like Phaleron and you, I do some hunting. I like to go small game with my boys, now 14, 16, and 20. It's great to be out in the woods with them. I have gone deer hunting the last 6 or 7 seasons and really enjoy the hunt, the whole weekend... My oldest son bow hunts and I wish I had the time for that.

This year, with the 2 month rehab falling when it did, I haven't been hunting. My boys went a few times. I am also into lots of shame and guilt and am having a hard time getting outside of myself and doing the things I love. That will get better.

Mark

Phaleron

I love to ski. Haven't been yet. Our local mountain is open. I went to pick up my 16 yo yesterday (he instructs there) and started to get into the mood. Don't know if I'll get my western trip this year with all that's happened, but I hope to. If not, maybe Vermont.

It always gets me through the winter. I'll need it this year!!

Mark

I was the same way. Boredom and the opportunity to be around people and socialize in an environment where people are relaxed, open and friendly.
Also because it was a nice and quicker substitute for eating because many times, making something to eat wasn't nearly as convenient as opening a bottle of wine while getting the same calories and carbs.
I didn't have to have an excuse to drink, I just drank to drink for any reason, especially if I was feeling especially good that day.
I also drank to give me the courage to do something; call a romantic prospect or express my feelings to someone (especially if I was upset at them) because in the back of my mind I had the "I was drunk" excuse to fall back on if it wasn't recieved too well. I drank to give me an excuse to do stupid things and I used doing stupid things as an excuse to drink.
As a writer, it was also a great lubricant to get the creative juices flowing and if guys like Charles Bukowski couldn't be one the best examples, alot people do their very best writing while drinking.

I'm really glad I found this board because it gives me the opportunity to write again. During previous bouts of sobriety, I always got a really bad case of writer's block. I couldn't even compose an email to save my life.
I'm really glad this board gives me an opportunity to express myself in writing without judgement and anonymously. I wish I found this board eons ago.