sugErspun

Those wakeup calls seemed to come regardless of how bad I wanted to avoid them, then again - I was under the impression that I could make a decision not to drink. That never quite seemed to work out.

If alcohol is causing problems, and you can't stay away from it - I think it's almost gauranteed that those problems will become bigger and more frequent. Stealing pain killers, not being able to NOT drink the same day you swear you won't ... trouble will come, more a matter of when than if.

HarleyGuy

G-Don, man when I read your post I could have sworn that was me. It was me, even down to stealing the p-killers to jump start that "wonderful feeling". 2-3 Vicoden, 2 Absolute chasers, and a nice pint of Ale to cruise thru the evening. Man, life is good!!! It worked for me for 10 years. Then it would'nt work anymore. I cannot give any advise to you, all I can do is share my own experience and hope you can draw something from it. I can definately relate to you, ah, the wine country, wine tasting, good micro-brews with the brothers. I gave it up just recently (my third attempt, but for some reason this time it's holding, why I don't know). It also dosn't help that I'm a biker and I'm sure you can imagine what goes on in those circles. I've come to the conclusion that we all come to a point (or at least the ones who can) where a decision has to be made. Sometimes that decision is between life and death, or in my case, life and a more rewarding life. My story is long, so I'll end here. I saw myself in your post, so I want to thank you for sharing that.

parentrecovers

it sounds like you've already started, genghisdon - making a list of the pros and cons and admitting a problem. have you thought about aa or any other face to face support?

keep posting here! lots of folks in your shoes on sr.

hugs, k

least

You don't have to be a raging alcoholic to be having problems with alcohol. It's not so much what you drink or how much or how often, it's what happens to you when you drink. You may not be a 'falling-down-drunk' - yet - but obviously alcohol is causing you problems or you wouldn't be here.

If you really want to stay sober more than you want to drink there are a lot of resources available, AA is a good start. Or you can try to moderate your drinking. Only so much so often. If that works for you then more power to ya! For me the only solution is total abstinence.

I wish you well in your quest. Just take it one day at a time and see how it goes.

bumble2008123

I understand what you are saying about the circles you run in as a biker, I am right there with you and it's not easy. But like the others have said you wouldn't be here if you didn't think something needed to change. In my experience, changing somewhat isn't an option. It's all or nothing, otherwise I'm going to wind up right back where I started. A little older, a little worse off physically. It's just not worth it. What works for me is to focus on my kids. Do I want to do anything to myself that will shorten my lifetime? No. No, I don't. Good luck to you. I'm glad you're here.

getr345

I can REALLY REALLY relate to this as I was also somewhat of a connoisseur. I enjoyed really hoppy IPA's, and sipping on top notch scotches. However, the negatives in my life from alcohol clearly outweighed the positives and I guess I was finally able to really see this and I was willing to accept the fact that I would never again be able to experience those exquisite flavors in exchange for living a sober life, which is what I wanted most. I hope you can figure out what is right for you.

Welcome to SR, you have found a great place.

parentrecovers

i'm not an alcoholic or addict, but my daughter is and i've spent some time at open aa meetings and in treatment family sessions.

i heard a guy at a rehab meeting once say that he had to put his recovery first before he could be a good husband and father (ie - treatment, meetings, etc). i've heard others say such things here at sr. all in good time, though, about face to face. just take it one day at a time..and i'm glad you found the folks here.

hugs, k

LorelaiNYC

I too had that relatinoship with alcohol. Other than the feeling like I "need" a drink all the time I do everything right, but also have that same guilt about drinking and doing things with my daughter. I always felt like since I was at work every day by 8:00 a.m. I must have a handle on it. I have a really good job and the thing that made me realize I had to stop was my work holiday party. I didn't want to drink too much because I always drink too much especially when I am nervous, which I always am in social situations, so of course, I drank too much and made an ass of myself. I guess the only good thing is that other drunk idiots trumped whatever I may have said or done. I totally blacked out and I was afraid to even ask anyone what happened. I couldn't sleep all weekend worrying if I might lose my job. Turns out I didn't do anything other than be a messy drunk dressed up all pretty. I tried to act like getting that wasted was totally out of the ordinary for me. Had I lost my job and benefits because of my inability to control my drinking I don't know what I would have done. Lucky for me it was a subtle wake up call.

I've been worrying lately that something would happen to my daughter and I'd need to take her to the hospital and I'd be drunk and they'd think I did something to her or whatever. If something happened I couldn't drive to the hospital myself. I can't even imagine losing her because someone called child services because of my drinking.

Anyway, I can really relate to how you feel. I wanted so much to be that person that can have one glass of wine and be done. I just know I'm not and never will be.

I'm sure your wife and child appreciate you are reaching out for help. I am very thankful for this forum. I am only on day four, but feel really good about it because I was ready. I hope I am right.

Best of luck.

mle-sober

Reading your story, GhenghisDon (funny name), I have to say that it sounds to me like you are more of an alcoholic than you really want to acknowledge. I'm sorry if that's a little harsh. It's true that alcoholism is a progressive disease and some end up progressing further into the pit of despair than others. But there's plenty of despair in your story. You can't control your drinking (you end up drinking on days when you start out saying you don't want to). You are hiding your drinking. You drink every day. You are ashamed of your behavior. You do things you wouldn't otherwise do in order to get high (drink and drive, steal painkillers). You feel you are missing out of some of the joys of life.

I went for years thinking that I could stop when I wanted and the reason that I didn't was because I didn't want to. And I would tell myself that whenever I tried and failed to either control it or stop altogether.

The only way I could finally stop for good was to really get it through my thick head that I was completely powerless over alcohol. I had to surrender completely. Then I could quit. What a parodox.

I pray that you don't wait for something terrible to happen in order to quit. I was recently doing some research on alcoholism and came across some pictures online of people who'd been killed or maimed by drunk driving. It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. All these little children hurt so visciously because their parents or some other adult wanted to get drunk.

I commend you for coming to the conclusion that you want to stop. And I totally support your effort and am glad you're here at SR. SR has been absolutely key in my recovery. Along with a rehab program and AA. I hope you'll keep posting and sharing your experience.

Mark75

Microbrews and their distinct differences...Hoppy IPA's, Wine country (ah, Sonoma County...) - Guys, your killin' me - LOL

GhengisDon - I'm 51 with a great wife and 4 kids, 2 in college now... You are describing me about 15 years ago - down to the occasional vicodin.

I did get an intervention. 8 weeks rehab. I'll be 90 days sober on Saturday. I kept it all together, more or less until the last 1-2 years. No DUIs, I wasn't abusive, just isolating, no injuries (thank God, though some close calls)

Towards the end, I'd just chug warm coors lite right out of the 30 pack as I went through the garage on my way into the house, or, take some mouthfuls of Grey Goose on the way home from the state store and stow the bottle under the passenger seat for the next morning pick me up, etc...... you get the picture.

Will that be your story? Who knows. I wish, though, that I would have at least thought to consider my drinking at the age you must be now... maybe it wouldn't have change the course of things for me, but maybe it would have...

Good for you!! I hope you find what your looking for. Keep coming back!

Mark

shugabooga

hi genghisdon, you say you're worried about the time that focusing on yourself for recovery would take away time from your wife and child, but please realize that you are already taking time away from them through drinking, and worrying about drinking. the preoccupation with drinking and the subsequent worry is time-consuming on its own. talk to your wife about your feelings and she just may surprise you by being very supportive.

years ago, i remember reading a dieting tip: you have to tell people that you are dieting to lose "x" amount of weight, that way you set yourself up for success.

if you don't tell anyone that you're trying to do something, then no one will know that you are failing and you fail much easier.

good luck for your Sunday goal: be prepared for some shakiness and anxiety as your body adjusts to its new state of health. your wife can help you with hugs...i remember detoxing every morning for a week all by myself and just being tense and shaky all over and feeling paralyzed with anxiety.....with no one to talk to.......it feels just like a hangover for me and it was kinda hard but i did it.

CarolD

Welcome Don...:

While you are considering what you should do
please read these exceprts from the ook that convinced me to stop.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Blessings to you and your family

CarolD

....Welcome to our recovery community
HarleyGuy

Anna

Welcome GenghisDon,

If alcohol is causing problems in your life, then stopping is the ideal way to deal with it. As others have said, you don't have to fall further in order to change your life. And, don't be affected by what others think about your drinking, about whether or not they think you are an alcoholic. That is not important, and it's really hard for others to understand addiction. And, they may have their own reasons for minimizing your problem.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

Tryingto

I am in a rush (sounds nice doesn't it) but I'd post a longer post except for that fact.

Just start on the sober train.
I think I only realised just how bad my problem was when I got sober. I want it, crave it..............it hards to describe. I can taste it on my mouth (wine) and imagine how beautiful it is (feeling).
So that makes me know I have a problem.
Also now that I am not drinking I know I drank, lots......

I am Day 10. It's not easy because I want a drink (grrr badly again this morning, when yesterday I was fine all day. And I NEVER even drank in the morning - but I think it's just cos I have some personal crap happening).

So yeh this may be a bit jumbled, but from my short experience just start and keep pushing through all the bs your mind gives you, and that will be a lot.