Ananda

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is where i should post, but at this point...i guess i feel best posting it here.

I guess I'm in a little bit of trouble right now. I guess I have alot of ego going on right now cause I won't talk to my sponsor or to anyone really about the kind of things I am feeling and going through...I'm afraid of either the look of discust and horror and disapointment...or the look of glee I might see on others faces.

Oh sorry, I haven't drank...doesn't even feel like where I am headed...but being sober is definatly not fun right now.

I feel guilty just writing this.

So...what am I suppose to do? I find out I have all these feelings and beliefs that are just killing me now that I am aware of them. The sad part is I already think I know exactly what each one of you will say...yes...i have a big ego and can go from a-z without the need for any of the letters inbetween.

I am really sorry to be a freak and AGW....but I just hope that by actually fessing up to this it will help me move forward....and not just make everyone think geez why would i want to be 15 mos sober and be a mess like her.

I'm just gonna post this now before I change my mind....

Again sorry

least

Please don't apologize for expressing your deep dark thoughts and feelings. If you can't express yourself to your friends, what are we here for? I am happy that you trust us enough to let your feelings out.

I couldn't be mad at you or otherwise unhappy with you. I love ya, don't ya know? Keep on being You. I am happy to be your friend. PM me if you ever need to vent, I"d be delighted to be your 'sounding board' when you need one!

Ananda

Thanks least....I appreciate it.

Now I have to put my game face on and head back to work. It's really driving me crazy cause I never know when I'll just burst out in tears at work right now. Back office....hide out...get through the day....do the next thing....

doorknob

Ananda, I think the 'inflated ego' concept of alcoholism is a huge load of There may be people on this site who have oversized egos, but you're certainly not one of them. I can relate to how you are feeling and no need to apologize.

I'm kinda hungry, could go for an oversized Eggo...

adore79

Hey ananda :ghug3


When I have intrusive thoughts I try to find the humor in them, or in the situation. It isnt all that bad once you can relax a little and just accept that sometimes what happens in our minds is really out of our control, it is our actions that really matter. Im not sure if that helps or not, but just know that you are a really good person.

laurie6781

I don't believe it is 'ego' per se either Ananda. I believe it is 'awareness of self' which can be extremely frightening as it is something new.

I do remember, that for the first two years, I would go through periods like you describe. What I came to find out, was that when I would sit down with my sponsor and speak of what was going on it was usually another 'emotion' that I couldn't put a name to.

I too, had days where I would work in a back office, with the door closed when possible, never knowing when tears were going to come. You are not alone! It does get better, honest.

You see I was 'numb' in recovery for some time. It took months before I started getting any feelings at all and then I didn't know what they were. Oh I was certainly more clear headed at 16 months than at say 4 months, but my brain was still 're-wiring', lol

Please also have your hormonal levels checked out, I know this played a big part in my 'weird days' versus my 'so-so days' lol.

The fact that you are aware of these things is GREAT. Your body and mind are still going through a lot of changes and I found for me, that it became NECESSARY for me to talk to others and just ignore the looks of some and the 'I told you so's' of others.

My SOBRIETY ALWAYS COMES FIRST even today. I know you will get through this. You have come so far and will continue to grow!

Love and hugs,

dirtyjerz08

I don't have as much time as you, but I know what you mean. Sometimes it's hard to fess up cause I want things to look good on the outside. It comes down to whether you want to save your ass or your face. I don't know if that comes across well in type, but it's a common saying at my group. As in, get it out, tell someone. Most likely they have been there before and will understand. Just getting it out here is a good thing. I know I go nuts if I let that kind of stuff stew up in my head.

Aysha

Your not a freak...

FizzyWater

well, you might be slightly, but only in a good way !!!!!!!!!

Horselover

Glad you posted Ananda. Its hard when the person you look up to never appears to have any weaknesses. Glad you are real like us. Love ya!

desertdonna

Hi Ananda,

It appears that the dreaded "overwhelm" has been springing up right and left for many of us. I think this can be healthy in the long run if we stay present with it and ride it out. Maybe a big growth spurt is in the making.

Posting here and journaling is good, but talking with trusted peeps in real time can be most beneficial, too.

Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending big fat hugs your way.

:ghug3

Donna

Pelican

Glad to find that I am not the only one today! I've been a snot nosed, chapped cheek, crying mess most of the day. Then I took a shower and
I wish I had more hot water, cause I wanted to stay in the shower and keep crying!

I had my feeling hurt. No details.

After all the crying, I went for a drive and cranked the tunes. I realize now that I am feeling my genuine feelings again. I'm a bit freaked still by the whole concept.

I'm not looking for a drink to numb my feelings at all. Just feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Those are not my comfortable feelings.

I wouldn't call mine ego, and never thought of you as egotistical. Confident, determined, diligent, yeah that's us. But being overwhelmed with this fresh reality is like an "unfriendly slap in the face".

Feel like I'm rambling, but I want you to know that I appreciate your honesty. I still admire you and am wowed by your length of sobriety.

I don't think you are a freak, but I haven't got a f***ing clue what AGW is, so you could be....

Astro

I like your honesty and your awareness ananda, you're a "real" person for sharing those feelings. Those are beautiful qualities that give me inspiration.

Somehow I think you'll continue to do the next right thing, one day after another.

tellus

(((Nands)))

Thank you for posting this, hon... I've been having ego issues myself, and it's a good kick in the pants to know that I'm not the only person who has ever felt sh*tty. One thing I know I need to get through my head... It's not some huge shameful thing to feel down.

Hevyn

It means alot that you chose to share this. (That way when I need to say something that seems a bit off the wall, I won't be afraid to.) Nowhere in your many posts have I ever seen anything that hints of an inflated ego. It's never been "all about me" with Ananda - you jump in to help others all the time. You have a charming, self-deprecating sense of humor that many times I've laughed out loud at. Your insights have helped me get well. I think you're terrific, and feel bad that you're uncomfortable with yourself right now. I am, too, though, maybe it's the season - the strange melancholy that sets in. I can't even put into words how I feel right now - at least you tried. You are much loved here, Ananda.

coffeenut

I don't think this is ego at all. Raw emotion, yeah. Hell yeah. Learning how to deal with it is part of the process, right?

And what is an AGW anyway?

Just because we are sober, doesn't mean we don't get to be a mess every now and again. It's healthy. :-)

You're okay. I agree with others, your sharing will help others when they need to. Thanks for your post.

CarolD

I found writing down my feelings helped immensley.
Just for me to read..pray and reflect on.

Some I did share later on with friends.
Others I ::burns

Mega

Rusty Zipper

nands, just to let you know...

i was a compleat (_rz_) today!!!

i aint hormonal, muz be the weather as they, whoever they are?

or perhaps, national feelings day...

today, i say... love stinks!

Pam08

Thank you so much for posting your true feelings. Helps us to connect with what you are going thru. I know for me I hear alot from the ole timers in my AA meetings. I know they go thru horrible times and they say that the 12 steps works for all problems in ones life. I am not sure what you are going thru, but just wanted you to know what I have been told helps a whole lot..and talking to a trusted person helps too..one with long sobriety.. Luv ya!!!! Your posts are wonderful and I appreciate them alot...give yourself a from me.

Stubborn1

Recovering alcoholic husband is going through the same thing. Try living with someone like you.. hehehe Nahhhhhhh we love ya.
Do you have a support system. Sometimes it's good to be reminded that you are a decent human being and are loved and you do posess great qualities. Now that you are finding yourself it's only normal to put together the puzzle of where you've been, where you are now and where you are going. If you were all put together then you surely wouldn't need to be here. See........you are one of us. mwah