four812

I have been struggling with my mind. but not like i'm falling backwards. i think i'm just kind've noticing it more accurately for the last several days. it's like my mind wants to think that i am all better, that i have been doing so good, that i am getting it and that i GOT IT. that i am finally going to be better. but it don't work that way. I am never going to be PERFECT. something will always be going on.

when I become more evolved towards the light, when i am more "sober", or when I am better, whatever you want to call it, then I will have problems in different proportions, but the problems and the failures and shortcomings will still be there. in the meantime i have to believe in myself, and in the little spark of the divine (the Light) that is within me. actually I don't have to believe in myself, but rather I choose to believe in myself. to believe in the universe. In love. today I am choosing to believe in myself and in the universe, by walking on a new path that i see pretty clearly. Sure I fail and make mistakes a thousand times a day, but I keep choosing to get better.

and now, more and more, i want to be the very best person that i can be. I want to do my gift. we each have our own gift to give some say. well i want to find and to do my gift. I'm not going to settle for the american dream anymore. the american dream is a dream of mediocracy. today's american dream is anyway: that common dream of having a new car, and a house, and a family, and a job, and a TV to go home to each night. No NO NO. I want to dream a new dream. that used to be my dream. but it's not a dream for me. i've had it all and that is not my dream. i thought it was my dream, but i short changed myself.

I don't know what my dream really is and it doesn't matter. I don't know because right now I have a foundation to build. I need my recovery foundation. i want to get this part down completely. i want to put everything i got into becoming solid in knowing that drugs and alcohol are simply not for me anymore. my new foundation requires balance. a good foundation has to have a good design that provides balance. so i got to do more than just not drink or use. I got to eat more healthy. think more healthy. and outright act more healthy. so I'll keep at it. I will keep going hard at it...no matter how difficult or hopeless or frustrating it may seem to be. I want to be the brightest, sharpest, most beautiful flower that I can be.

Ksplash (DAY 57 I think)

Jakey

Great attitude and a great post ksplash!

findingkermit

I love it ksplash, I am almost exactly in the space you wrote about, but you said it way better than I could have

Tryingto

Thanks. It was nice to read a post like that. I hope to feel how you do by day 57.

four812

I really appreciate each of your responses.

hey how about the new christmas look to SR. I love it. and I love SR

My mind is in more peace this morning. i took a vacation day today, and i have eaten healthy so far, and am going to a meeting shortly.

I will be my best today.