guilty start
 

Hi, I joined this forum a while ago when I needed to express my pain for my brother who was/is a junkie and now I find myself here for my own help. I know my own story may seem small, but for me I feel great guilt and horror in the person I am right now.
I typically go out on the weekends and drink alot. I never drive, partially so I can drink myself as much as possible. I generally do not have the feeling of "needing more" as soon as the alcohol enters my body, but this past Saturday I drank myself to complete black out and am now facing my own guilt towards it. I am not going to be drinking at all -- I need to uncover all my truths towards drinking and how I handle it. My fiance is a doctor who was on-call and he asked me not to do anything that would make him worry about me and I did. I went to a house party and there was pressure and support to drink with stupid games and shots everywhere and I lost control and overdid it. I went to a bar and got mad/sad that someone insulted myself and my relationship and I left the bar and cried to my friend who got us a cab to my home where I woke up still drunk at 6am. I am hating everything about this and it makes it very easy to stop completely but part of me feels threatened to say that I am an alcoholic because I fear that that means absolutely NO DRINKING ever again. And I am not sure what kind of commitment I have to do to go on with my life with/without alcohol. I am feeling so guilty for betraying my fiance and our relationship. Am I betraying my self if I do not make the huge commitment to stop drinking completely.

Hi,

I think it's a commitment you need to make to yourself to stop drinking, if you are addicted to alcohol. It is a huge commitment and it means changes in your life, but it's worth the effort that you will put into it. Addiction is a disease of guilt, shame and self-loathing. And, it can end up by a vicious cycle because it's so hard to deal with those emotions. Blacking out is a very scary thing and I'm glad you are here looking for support.

no one can tell you if you're an alcoholic... that's your call to make. if you think you might have a problem, try stopping for thirty days and see how you feel. there's a lot to be said for trying to quit - it was when i wanted to quit, and found out i wasn't able to stop, that i realized i was an alcoholic. so, maybe you are able to stop when you want... i was not able to do so. i started going to AA because i wanted to quit drinking and stop treating people the way i had been, and it has been incredible. i haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink in 2 and a half years, by the grace of god and the program of action outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

so, give it a shot. good luck!

great support!
 

Thank you both so much for your replies. I think it is a great idea for me to definitely quit for a month at least. I feel excited to gain confidence in that I too, may not feel the need to drink at all. And another part of me fears that I will feel like "I need" a drink, after I get over this past weekends drinking rampage. I am going to commit to abstaining for a month to start and see where it takes me. Thank you so much.
I have already explained to my friends my guilt and horror in myself and have committed to being their DD for now...

Getting and staying sober is not easy, but very much worth the effort. Try it for a month and see what happens. I wish you the best, and remember, we are here to support you.

:ghug3

:wave:
Welcome back...

Please go to the 2nd sticky post in our Alcoholism Forum
blackouts are discussed in those excerpts from
"Under The Influence"

Do let us know how your doing...k?