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well now i've done it

Old 12-07-2008, 11:10 PM
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Unhappy well now i've done it

Well, I fell of the wagon, hard, last nite, and hit the ground like a ton of bricks. I had a great time, until it was 8 am this morning, I was still drinking, my boyfriend was sick and went to bed, I stayed up, then around 4 am his brother got up, and started to drink with me. 7 months ago we were drinking together, my boyfriend went to bed, his brother got wasted and hit on me. (He lives with us, great idea.) I told my boyfriend, he said he would let it slide that time because he was wasted and lonely. Well, he started hitting on me again this morning. So I went to bed. My boyfriend woke up, screaming, calling me names, angry I stayed up til 8am (understandably) then my boyfriends brother started blasting some song on the stereo. My boyfriend said "why is he doing that. What's going on. Did he hit on you again?" I told him yes. Sooooooo stupid. He got up, kicked his brothers door in, told him he was going to kick him out if he ever even looked at him wrong again. And my boyfriend went to sleep in another room. So now its like midnite, no one has left their perspective rooms, and I don't know how to fix this. I'm terrified. Someone, please tell me what to do. ( Other than quit drinking, I will be doing that for REAL now). Please help. I feel awful. I'm scared, embarassed, exhausted, and soooooooooo sad. I just keep crying. I feel like this nitemare will never be fixable now. I'm so sad.
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Old 12-07-2008, 11:42 PM
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one day at a time, sweetie. get all your crying out now........and start over again tomorrow. get back on the wagon. you can do it, and it's worth it. i've only been on the wagon for 16 days and i feel a lot better (it's not my first wagon-ride......)

are you living with two people who drink while you are trying to stay sober? i would find that impossible, crazy and intolerable. if you are trying to be sober, you need to be around sober people.

drunk people do all kinds of crazy things and brothers (men in general) can be very competitive, especially over women, and especially with alcohol involved.......maybe the best thing you can do is to withdraw yourself from the situation for a while?

take care, get some rest, eat & drink healthy, go stay at a friend's house if you can and let the situation calm down a bit.

let us know how you're doing.
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:20 AM
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I'm sorry things are so bad. Another example of the unmanageable mess we can get ourselves into.

It's not your job to fix anything of the domestic arrangements. As you've explained it, you were hit on, you went to bed. If I'm reading this right, the only thing you could have done better was not put yourself in that situation in the first place.

My advice is to focus on yourself - don't drink - don't put yourself in that situation again.
I have a feeling your bf and his brother will sort out the rest of it, one way or the other.

D
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:29 AM
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Unhappy

Thank you so much for responding. I need someone right now. I feel so alone. Yes, my brother and boyfriend do drink. My boyfriend and I are getting engaged and married soon, so leaving really isn't possible. I do love him very, very much. He is a wonderful man. Yet he doesn't understand why I can't just "learn to control my drinking..." Nothing I say makes him understand that I can't. He said " I'm being selfish, but if you don't drink what am I suppossed to do? I feel I will never be allowed to go out anymore." Because we don't "party" without each other. We know how we are when we drink, so we don't party seperately. So I feel bad. How can I ask him not to drink when its my problem?? I feel angry he is not more supportive. Yet I don't blame him for feeling selfish!!! Why do I do? I am a mess!!I feel horrid!
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:34 AM
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I found the first step, before any other, was getting sober. You can't deal with anything half cut, Erica.

Get sober, stay sober - whatever that takes for you - AA or whatever feels right to you - and then you can start to work on the other stuff

D
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:39 AM
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It sounds to me like perhaps alcohol is more important to him than you are. He may not be as bad off, but are you sure he doesn't have issues with alcohol dependence?

DK
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:48 AM
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Unhappy oh dear

Oh yes, he definitely has issues with alcohol, just not nearly as many as I do as of late. You are right. He needs to either support me, and act mature and concerned, or maybe I need to re evaluate his care for me. I love him so much. And I know he loves me too. I just hope he loves me enough to help me, and stick by me. Right now he won't even come and talk to me. I don't know if I should go try and talk to him or not. I mean its been over 12 hours since all this. Oh just run me over.
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Old 12-08-2008, 12:53 AM
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Sometimes it helps to read about someone else's stuggle. Here's my latest:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...een-sober.html
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Old 12-08-2008, 05:40 AM
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Getting yourself sober should be your first priority. AFter you have some sober time you can work on relationships and such. But get yourself sober first. I wish you all the best.
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Old 12-08-2008, 05:45 AM
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So, I would go to AA meetings because they're free (or a buck, or two, or whatever) and there are people there that have been exactly where you are right now.

If the boyf. is soooooo wonderful, he'll get your back if you're doing something to improve yourself. Good luck.
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Old 12-08-2008, 05:47 AM
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Hi,

I'm sorry for the situation that you are living in.

I hope that your boyfriend's brother finds another place to live. Clearly, his being there, is not going to be good for your relationship with your boyfriend. You can get sober without his support, but I think he will need to accept that your lifestyle is changing.

And, try to understand that it's very hard for others to know addiction, and how we can't stop drinking, once we start. You know this, so you need to do whatever it takes to stay sober.
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Old 12-08-2008, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
Getting yourself sober should be your first priority. AFter you have some sober time you can work on relationships and such. But get yourself sober first. I wish you all the best.
I think this is great advice Erica. Do whatever you have to do to get and stay sober. Be careful about rushing into marriage before you have these things sorted out and you are sure it is the best thing for your future.
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Old 12-08-2008, 10:55 PM
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Hey all. Thank you all for your super great advice and concern. Today things were much better. My boyfriend and his brother talked things out ( I went to my grandparents for the day) and they are doing better now. My boyfriend said we both really must quit drinking (which we are doing together) I am glad he has realized this!! Even if he makes mistakes, at least he has admitted what he needs to do!! He said we will get through this together, one day at a time. Man I love this kid. When it gets down to it he really steps up. I feel bad for doubting him. I know this will be a long and hard journey, but if we can get through this, we can do anything. I am going to focus on work, being healthy, and doing new and fun activities that don't include alcohol. Will all ya'll please pray for me that I don't slip up?? I'm trying hard but I need support! Thank you all
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Old 12-08-2008, 10:58 PM
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Hi erica,

I agree with what least and the others said. The first thing that you should do - and the only thing you have control over - is to get yourself sober. These other issues will only continue to snowball and get worse if the drinking continues.

That being said, you need to be in as positive an environment as possible while getting sober. Living with 2 people who drink, 1 of whom has alcohol issues himself, is probably not the best idea.

You can't MAKE your boyfriend understand your addiction (and he might not want to acknowledge it because it hits just a little too close for him... he could very well see a lot of himself in your behavior), and you most certainly can't MAKE him support you, or quit drinking himself. What you CAN do is help yourself. Focus on YOU and your recovery. And he will need to do the same - he will need to focus on himself and learning how your recovery will impact his life. And it WILL impact his life if the two of you are going to be married. If he can't or won't make the necessary changes to help you keep yourself healthy, then maybe it's a good thing it's coming to light before the wedding. There is no rule that says he has to quit drinking just because you do, but there are certain courtesies he should give you, like not drinking in front of you (not keeping any alcohol in the house is even better), and not arguing with you about whether or not you have a problem. If you say you have a problem, then you do - whether he thinks so or not. He doesn't have to agree, he just has to accept it. Al-Anon can help him with that.

Good luck, and try to stay strong and stay focused on yourself. You can't take on the world, honey.
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Old 12-08-2008, 10:59 PM
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Aha! I just read your latest post! (Forgive me for writing my first reply before I was done reading!) I'm really glad to hear his attitude has changed. I hope he continues on that path.

Best wishes to the both of you.

As far as supporting you? That's what we're here for!! Check in often, and read as many posts as you can. Just when you least expect it, something will jump out at you that you really identify with, or really needed to hear at that moment in time. Keep coming back.
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