Desiderata

I'm going to ask if anyone has been going through a lot of changes with their significant other sincce they've gotten clean. People have gotten so used to me being messed up and me living in that craziness, that they're not used to the "NEW ME/OLD ME" changes. I've been been clean before and have gone many years without a substance problem but alcohol got a hold of me and almost ruined my life. I feel distant from my partner and that he has no interest in my program and I know they have reason to doubt me
ALL the time. It's like they are waiting for the next bottom out and I can't blame them because it's happened several times before.

I became a recluse drinker and became very dependant on my husband, like a crazy obsession and I couldn't control it. I felt weak, tired, confused, hurt and angry all the time. The more I tried to get closer to him, the further away he became. He never wanted to be around me while I was drinking and that's understandable. However, I found myself drinking because he wasn't coming home and arguments were started so he could go out and the cyle would start. We started fighting all the time and we've been married for almost 17 years. We said some horrible things to each other and it got physical several times (both of us did it). I destroyed many things I loved out of anger, packed my bags and kids up way to many times.

Can you get over the things that were done during those horrible times? It sure doesn't feel like I can just let some of things go but I want to be forgiven for my faults. I know that's wrong but I'm so angry and doubt his honesty. He cheated on me and confessed it but I feel deep in my heart that it went a lot further than he'll ever admit. He also develop a relationship with a woman at work. They emailed and he sent her a picture of half his naked body. I found pictures on his phone and it drove me to madness. He didn't come home many nights and lots of money has been "unexpalinable". We were heading for divorce. I was a horrible drunk. I was drinking up to 3 pints of vodka a day and was unfunctionable.

How do I overcome these issues and move on to make this relationship work. Everytimes he's late or gone, I doubt him. Maybe it will not work, if I can't move on...maybe I should literally move on...

He doesn't understand addiction because then he'd have to admit that he's an addict also. I've made myself stop checking his phone but I still check his ***** account and email. He has other means of email and I know
he's using it, I'm not stupid but how do I stop this cycle of insanity. This has wasted to much of my time already. Does the hurt start to go away and allow the heart to mend?

One woman in my group told me I was evil for doubting him still and that I shouldn't even be allowed to remain married. WTF? Do other people feel and do the things that I do or have done?

So back to right now.........am I living a false reality or is it suppose to feel like this? I'm rambling SORRY.. Thanks for listening. DESPERATE AND LONELY!!

miss communicat

early recovery is a wild ride. for me, just keeping the focus on myself, on whats right in front of me, and on staying clean/sober for this day were enough to slowly, gradually lead to improvements in all areas of my life.

try to relax, and be gentle to yourself right now.

and, by the way, welcome to SR! This is a great recovery community and you can learn so much here.

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. I have no words for you, except to stay here, and keep reading. Lots of knowledge to be shared.

Oh, and Congrats on getting Sober!

mle-sober

I find it rather offensive for anyone to call anyone EVIL (unless, perhaps, the person has flames and bile pouring out of their mouths and their eyes are glowing a deep red.)

My husband still believes I've had affairs. (I didn't.) Based on the sole fact that I lied to him about my drinking. I don't consider his accusations evil, per se. Just, perhaps, static. He is holding many grudges. He is cautious to move on. He needs more time.

If he doesn't slowly make some progress toward trusting me and regaining the balance in our relationship, I will not really want to be in this marriage and will eventually take steps to extricate myself. It is was it is.

I would suggest that after a serious break in trust, both parties have to make themselves as transparent as possible for things to work again. Additionally, they both have to open their hearts as much as possible to the growth that is happening in the other individual. Trust happens when both people learn to share opening of themselves AND learn to forgive. That's my take on it....

Good luck. (And avoid any woman that would accuse you of being evil. That's just bad manners.)

Latte

I just had to concentrate on staying clean and sober, slowly the rest has been working itself out. I didn't become an addict/alcoholic in one day, I figured it would take awhile to figure out where our relationship was going. It gets better everyday.

Dixie24

Desiderata, please don't feel that you are alone or that things won't get better. You are just evaluating your situation with a clearer head, and not running from it. It sounds like your husband was just as much at fault (if not more) than you in your marital problems. At least you did not go outside your marriage for solutions. Please find a good couples counselor and ask your husband to go with you. If he doesn't want to, that speaks volumes. (then go yourself).

Pelican

Morning D,

Congratulations on your sobriety and 16 years of marriage!

I am married to my drinking partner of 14 years. I am sober, he is not. Just so you know where I'm coming from.

I am going to amplify the great advice already given. Focus your attention on your sobriety. You have had periods of sobriety before, but you have fallen back into using. Please be aware that you really need to focus on your sobriety for you. You can only control your life.

Have you considered yourself to be co-dependent? The actions you describe sound like co-dependency. You are trying to control/monitor your husbands behavior and he does not seem to appreciate your efforts. I read a great self-help book: "Codependent No More, how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself" by Melody Beattie. I recommend that book.

I once described my marriage since my becoming sober as this:
It's like a dance. The dance hall is the same. The dance partner is the same. However, the music has changed and we are required to learn new steps. Some toes have gotten stepped on during the process.

Honestly, some days we are dancing well. Some days, not so good. It is what it is.

Today, I am sober again.

Anna

Desiderata,

I think we all do crazy things that we regret when we are in active addiction.

It sounds like you two really need to WANT this relationship to work out. Trust has to be felt between you both. Have you considered marriage counselling? For me, a lot of my depression was due to the imperfect relationship that I had with my husband. I felt frustrated and tried to control the relationship. What I have learned in recovery, is that I have had to let go of expectations and try to focus on fixing myself.

getr345

My wife told me that since I stopped drinking, I have been less argumentative and more likely to just submit to her will without a fight. She likes this of course, lol.. I told her the reason for this is because I simply cannot afford the stress involved with arguing or debating her so I just let her have her way for the most part.

Picking my battles FAR more carefully.

Desiderata

I am thankful for your replies just wanted you all to know this!!!