Sorry to take more of your time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
Sorry to take more of your time
I don’t know what to post. I want to post everything and I want to post nothing. I don’t want anyone to know but then I want someone to know so that I’m not the only who does know.
And I want someone to care. Care about what? I don’t know, just care.
I laughed tonight. I laughed hard and had a great time with my father and my husband and one of my sons. Sounds good? It felt good and I felt like me but that was only because I gave in before leaving work and sucked down some of the expired hydrocodone syrup that I was so relieved to find in the back of the medicine cabinet yesterday. I wasn’t enjoying myself because I was high. I wasn’t the least bit high, any mild rushes were long over. I was just having a good time. But, I also felt terribly bad. I felt horrible because I was doing all this with three pills that I stole from my dad’s med bottle in my pocket. STOLE. I stole them from my father! He gave me a handful in the beginning of the week (which I LIED to get). As he dumped them from the bottle, I protested, “You don’t need to give me that many.” When inside I was saying, “Please, just give me the whole bottle.” I’m ashamed. I’m even more ashamed to admit that, although I regret it, it’s mainly because I’m afraid of him realizing that I stole from him.
Yesterday, I thought that things were getting better. I woke up and the first thought in my head was something other than how I’m going to find a way to get more hydrocodone. I can’t remember exactly what the thought was, but I was glad to have it. I took nothing before work (I work afternoons) unlike the day before. Then, I’m talking with a coworker who is on Vicodin for a back problem. She was definitely feeling her meds and I couldn’t stay near her. She was making me crazy. I returned to my desk and finished off my last three hydro.
This morning, I spent ALL MORNING trying to find a way to order something online without getting my butt landed in jail or getting scammed because the Attorney General’s office isn’t going to be an option if I get ripped off. I don’t have money for this stuff! I know it. But, there’s something about looking that appeases me, gives me a morbid kind of a hope. I just want enough until the obsessive thoughts stop and the craving is gone. My stomach gets so tied up in knots that I want to puke and just hide in a dark place.
That’s why I took the pills from my dad tonight. I have to spend the entire day with my husband tomorrow. I have every intention of not taking anything (just as I had hoped for today, and yesterday, the day before and the day before that). Maybe I haven't been successful because I have the stuff with me. I don't know but I can't risk it. I can’t be crawling out of my skin around my husband. The pills are my insurance. I’m hoping and praying that I won’t take them and then I can sneak them back into the bottle this weekend.
When I was walking tonight, I decided that if, after spending the whole day distracted with Christmas shopping I have to take the pills because I’m feeling too desperate not to, I’ll look into going to a meeting. (If I do, no one would have to know why was there, would they? God help me for asking this but I can let them think that its for my kids. At least in the beginning?) Although I say that I've decided, it’s not the kind of decided that I used to mean. My commitment seems rather easily swayed lately.
But something has to give. I have enough syrup for a few days and that’s it. New stuff isn’t going to just keep “appearing.” Medicine cabinets are only so deep. I must admit that I was shocked to find on a “drug info website” today that most “recreational users” who post there spoke of monthly or longer intervals between any opiate use in order to stave tolerance. Monthly?? Months?? My mouth fell open. “Don’t you miss it every day?” I thought to myself.
If only I could understand what has made this thing in me rear its ugly head, this thing that wants to consume me, this thing - whatever it is. I know that no one here can fix me. So, please forgive me for coming back again with a downer of a long-winded post. I guess that deep inside me I can't help but wish that you could.
And I want someone to care. Care about what? I don’t know, just care.
I laughed tonight. I laughed hard and had a great time with my father and my husband and one of my sons. Sounds good? It felt good and I felt like me but that was only because I gave in before leaving work and sucked down some of the expired hydrocodone syrup that I was so relieved to find in the back of the medicine cabinet yesterday. I wasn’t enjoying myself because I was high. I wasn’t the least bit high, any mild rushes were long over. I was just having a good time. But, I also felt terribly bad. I felt horrible because I was doing all this with three pills that I stole from my dad’s med bottle in my pocket. STOLE. I stole them from my father! He gave me a handful in the beginning of the week (which I LIED to get). As he dumped them from the bottle, I protested, “You don’t need to give me that many.” When inside I was saying, “Please, just give me the whole bottle.” I’m ashamed. I’m even more ashamed to admit that, although I regret it, it’s mainly because I’m afraid of him realizing that I stole from him.
Yesterday, I thought that things were getting better. I woke up and the first thought in my head was something other than how I’m going to find a way to get more hydrocodone. I can’t remember exactly what the thought was, but I was glad to have it. I took nothing before work (I work afternoons) unlike the day before. Then, I’m talking with a coworker who is on Vicodin for a back problem. She was definitely feeling her meds and I couldn’t stay near her. She was making me crazy. I returned to my desk and finished off my last three hydro.
This morning, I spent ALL MORNING trying to find a way to order something online without getting my butt landed in jail or getting scammed because the Attorney General’s office isn’t going to be an option if I get ripped off. I don’t have money for this stuff! I know it. But, there’s something about looking that appeases me, gives me a morbid kind of a hope. I just want enough until the obsessive thoughts stop and the craving is gone. My stomach gets so tied up in knots that I want to puke and just hide in a dark place.
That’s why I took the pills from my dad tonight. I have to spend the entire day with my husband tomorrow. I have every intention of not taking anything (just as I had hoped for today, and yesterday, the day before and the day before that). Maybe I haven't been successful because I have the stuff with me. I don't know but I can't risk it. I can’t be crawling out of my skin around my husband. The pills are my insurance. I’m hoping and praying that I won’t take them and then I can sneak them back into the bottle this weekend.
When I was walking tonight, I decided that if, after spending the whole day distracted with Christmas shopping I have to take the pills because I’m feeling too desperate not to, I’ll look into going to a meeting. (If I do, no one would have to know why was there, would they? God help me for asking this but I can let them think that its for my kids. At least in the beginning?) Although I say that I've decided, it’s not the kind of decided that I used to mean. My commitment seems rather easily swayed lately.
But something has to give. I have enough syrup for a few days and that’s it. New stuff isn’t going to just keep “appearing.” Medicine cabinets are only so deep. I must admit that I was shocked to find on a “drug info website” today that most “recreational users” who post there spoke of monthly or longer intervals between any opiate use in order to stave tolerance. Monthly?? Months?? My mouth fell open. “Don’t you miss it every day?” I thought to myself.
If only I could understand what has made this thing in me rear its ugly head, this thing that wants to consume me, this thing - whatever it is. I know that no one here can fix me. So, please forgive me for coming back again with a downer of a long-winded post. I guess that deep inside me I can't help but wish that you could.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hi Christin,
You are describing hell-cos that's what it is when you're there and I understand.You CAN get out of this.Truly. You're not alone.
Please keep posting.I am not familiar with drug abuse-I'm an alcoholic-but the misery in your post makes me feel for you. *hugs* I sure do know that.
There is help.You don't have to stay in this pit.But it does take some courage in reaching out.I'm glad you posted here. Sometimes, taking one small step in asking for help leads us to better things. I hope you find what you need.I don't have any great advice-I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this,
Jules xox
You are describing hell-cos that's what it is when you're there and I understand.You CAN get out of this.Truly. You're not alone.
Please keep posting.I am not familiar with drug abuse-I'm an alcoholic-but the misery in your post makes me feel for you. *hugs* I sure do know that.
There is help.You don't have to stay in this pit.But it does take some courage in reaching out.I'm glad you posted here. Sometimes, taking one small step in asking for help leads us to better things. I hope you find what you need.I don't have any great advice-I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this,
Jules xox
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Again, I'm an alcoholic so I very little knowledge of the specifics of what you're going through - but I know enslavement, I know desperation, lying, cheating, stealing...I know the tunnel vision obsession of my next 'fix'....the desire not even to get high so much as just feel "ok", to feel comfortable in my own skin
it's a miserable, soul destroying blackness. Like Jules said, it's Hell on Earth.
But you can get out. Reaching out is the first step.
A willingness to work on the problem fully and honestly is the next step.
It's not easy, but gaining my life back is the most precious gift I could have given myself
I hope you find some answers here. I dunno if anyone has suggested it but the substance abuse forum is another good place for support and advice, specifically with hydros.
I wish you well Christin
You can do this!
D
it's a miserable, soul destroying blackness. Like Jules said, it's Hell on Earth.
But you can get out. Reaching out is the first step.
A willingness to work on the problem fully and honestly is the next step.
It's not easy, but gaining my life back is the most precious gift I could have given myself
I hope you find some answers here. I dunno if anyone has suggested it but the substance abuse forum is another good place for support and advice, specifically with hydros.
I wish you well Christin
You can do this!
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,401
Originally Posted by CarolD 
You might consider a de tox center or a re hab.
I don't know about your drug of choice and
what quitting entails.
Sorry your in this situation.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Christin, this is just the beginning for you, correct? It seems you posted here when the obsession began, before you touched the syrup, before you took any pills. I wanted to address your response to CarolD where you said, "I'm not addicted."
The words addict, addiction and addicted are often confused with physical dependence. You're most likely not physically dependent now. Eventually, with opiate use in anyone, physical dependence sets in. At that point, you'd go through withdrawals when you stop. My mother could become physically dependent upon pain pills, but once the withdrawals are over, she doesn't want any more. Not so with the addict.
Addiction is different than physical dependence to the addict. It may or may not have a component of physical dependence. Many things may lead an addict to use in the beginning, but what keeps an addict using is the obsession with the drug. When not using, we think about it. Once we put it into our bodies, the compulsion to use more and more begins. We get a little time clean, but staying clean is difficult--because we're obsessing about the relief that comes with the drug. Then the compulsion makes it near impossible to stop until we run out, pass out, or are otherwise barred from use. On and on it goes.
You don't have to tell anyone why you're in a meeting unless it's a closed meeting. A closed meeting is for addicts only in NA and alcoholics only in AA. If it's an open meeting, you're not required to give your name, your reason for being there, or to label yourself anything. You'll likely be approached by other members before or after--in my home group, we take welcoming the newcomer very seriously. If you're not ready to interact, just smile and say something like, "I'm just here to listen." Better than a lie, right?
You'll hear a lot about "hitting bottom." Bottoms can be physical and/or financial, and they can be emotional as well. Even though you've only been using for a short time, the fact that you're here concerned and posting about it could very well mean that you've reached your bottom more quickly than some. It's a blessing, Christin, because the thing about these deep, dark bottoms is that each one is the bright shiny top of the next one. You don't have to dig any deeper if you don't want to.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
The words addict, addiction and addicted are often confused with physical dependence. You're most likely not physically dependent now. Eventually, with opiate use in anyone, physical dependence sets in. At that point, you'd go through withdrawals when you stop. My mother could become physically dependent upon pain pills, but once the withdrawals are over, she doesn't want any more. Not so with the addict.
Addiction is different than physical dependence to the addict. It may or may not have a component of physical dependence. Many things may lead an addict to use in the beginning, but what keeps an addict using is the obsession with the drug. When not using, we think about it. Once we put it into our bodies, the compulsion to use more and more begins. We get a little time clean, but staying clean is difficult--because we're obsessing about the relief that comes with the drug. Then the compulsion makes it near impossible to stop until we run out, pass out, or are otherwise barred from use. On and on it goes.
You don't have to tell anyone why you're in a meeting unless it's a closed meeting. A closed meeting is for addicts only in NA and alcoholics only in AA. If it's an open meeting, you're not required to give your name, your reason for being there, or to label yourself anything. You'll likely be approached by other members before or after--in my home group, we take welcoming the newcomer very seriously. If you're not ready to interact, just smile and say something like, "I'm just here to listen." Better than a lie, right?
You'll hear a lot about "hitting bottom." Bottoms can be physical and/or financial, and they can be emotional as well. Even though you've only been using for a short time, the fact that you're here concerned and posting about it could very well mean that you've reached your bottom more quickly than some. It's a blessing, Christin, because the thing about these deep, dark bottoms is that each one is the bright shiny top of the next one. You don't have to dig any deeper if you don't want to.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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