Tryingto

Sorry for the title, but thats how I feel. This is all going to be hard work.

It's hard to know where to start. I am not sure how or where it happened.

I know I am very shy, and turn into this entertaining sexy funny women when I have had a few drinks. Well, thats my perception NOT reality.

I have:
done REALLY embarrassing things that I just won't even say, even here.
I have hidden drinks from my partner behind my chair (which he has seen)
Alcohol is my way of de-stressing, it makes my head stop spinning

It's really impacting my relationship
I want to do something about it, and plan to, but then it seems so natural to have a glass (or several) with dinner, I don't know where I am meant to stop it.

I usually most want to do something when I feel really sick.

I have on occassions gone through 3/4 a bottle of Bourbon. These are the 'bad' nights when I will fight with my partner.

I can drink 2 btls of wine, a few nights a week. Lately it's more like 3 or 4 glasses.

These days I get drunk quicker. Rather than building up tolerance it seems to have gone backwards.

I feel sometimes like I can't cope, but I don't know WHY - my life is fine.

I often want to make nights more 'exciting' alcohol heightens everything - even watching tv becomes more fun!
I suddenly have an opinion that I am not scared to voice.

I know I have terrible terrible self esteem.

This is all rambles not a story, I feel sort of emotionally detached from the situation as though I am looking at some stupid girl who can't control how much she drinks...............rather than looking at me.

Ok that is all for now. I just had to make a start.

Tryingto

Frequently I will try and "get a few drinks in" before my partner comes home, then I act like I am on my first one. I am very good at this.

I keep committing to stop it, and change. Often temptation gets the better of me. My partner doesn't really believe I will change, he tries to be supportive. I don't even blame him, I'd do the same thing. It's hard. I intend not to drink, I tell myself that, and it actually seems very easy.
But then I think I just need to relax/calm down........and it's helps with my anxiety.

Sorry just wanted to add that on.
I know I am a binge drinker.

Also nothing ever gets done around the house. I mean to. My head is often spinning, I get really dizzy and can only do little bits at a time. I act lazy, and unmotivated but inside I am not.

sicilia1414

Hi Tryingto,

boy can I relate to that! I would drink before I did anything! laundry to do one night? have a few drinks! it''ll make it more fun. Need to go to the store for a few things? have a few drinks before, it will be an adventure. I found myself drinking for EVERYTHING...when i was happy, have a drink, when i was sad, have a drink, when i was stressed, have a drink, when i was scared/nervous, have a drink.

I am glad that you are here, there is a lot of great people around that will help get us thru this.

Tryingto

Thanks for your reply. I just feel sad. I just let myself down over and over again. Usually when I haven't had a drink in a social situation I will think people are laughing at me. People also usually ignore me when I haven't had a drink (my confidence is that low), even my partner has said this is true, that people ignore me when I am sober. This is not a good feeling.

sicilia1414

hey, i highly doubt that!!! i mean, we don't turn into completely different people when we drink, we are still the same, just a little amplified.

maybe it is better to be quiet and ignored than to be a crazy drunken mess??

and no one is perfect, we all have our little quirks to work on....have you ever been to a meeting? i haven't, and i plan on going to one tomorrow, and i'm so scared! i am shy too...i don't know how i am going to talk to all those people i don't even know. and i don't know HOW i am going to talk to them sober....

but practice makes it easier!

lisa t

Hi Tryingto & Welcome!!
Glad you found SR & the nerve for your first posts...I know it's hard...if you are looking for support you are in the right place. I had really low self esteem (some days it creeps back in) and used alcohol to make myself feel more interesting, prettier, sexier, funnier, etc....and for a long time thought I was...but then there were the nights (many of them) that I thought I was being this great person and as it turned out I was really just a falling down, angry, sloppy drunk!!! Not very attractive, to myself for sure or to anyone else around me. The bottom line for me was that I used & abused alcohol for so long that I never even realized that I had crossed that line to where alcohol was using & abusing me!!! If you think you have had enough, you are in a great place with lots of caring & supportive alkies ;0) If you are uncertain, keep reading (lots of great insight) and posting, perhaps you will find the answers you are in search of. I wish you all the best!

Glad you are here, keep coming back!!
Big Hugz!!
Lisa

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community..

I wonder if you have considered having an honest talk with
your doctor about your drinking?

You mentioned anxiety and dizzy spells....reasons to see a professional.
It also might be smart to ask about a medically supervized de tox.

I am glad you are here with us...sobriety rocks!

Tryingto

I couldn't go to a meeting. I wouldn't admit I had a problem for a long time just for the fear that someone somehow would MAKE me go to a meeting (even though thats not possible).

I am just really quiet and I can't even think what to say when I am sober, but then drunk I feel 'worthy'. I do think I change into a different person.

But I agree with you, it would be better to be ignored than a drunken mess.

I guess I just have zero faith in myself I can do this. I feel panicked about it actually. Anyway, I could carry on forever but I guess I just have to deal with this somehow.

Good luck at your meeting tomorrow.

Horselover

WELCOME TO SR!!

Glad to see yet another newbie tonight.

You have gotten a lot of great advice already and so I just wanted to add a big welcome. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Tryingto

Oh and I just saw the other posts.
Yes I have talked with my Dr before, more about my anxiety than my drinking. I am on Aanmax? Or some simular thing. I know it's of/in the valium family and my Dr told me to be very careful as they are addictive.
So this is how silly I am, when I need to not drink for a night (try and prove something to my partner etc) then I will take the aanmax <?> just to get through a social situation. It's just numbs me. I relax, and melt - I am not over the top like when I am drunk - but all the stupid paranoia and problems melt away.......
I am beating myself up because I feel like a complex nutcase who doesn't know how to be happy and enjoy life.

Thx for your messages.

Jakey

Thanks for sharing. I have a lot of the same feelings right now. I have been a binge drinker for many years. I've always been somewhat awkward in social situations as well and getting drunk was my way of dealing with it. It is really scary and depressing to think about having to face those situations sober now. But I know that drinking again is only going to make everything else worse.

sicilia1414

Tryingto...believe me you are NOT a nutcase...I have all the same feelings you do...I have only been on this site for 2 days, but that was the first thing that i realized...I always felt totally crazy for my thought/fears I kept inside. I came on here yesterday and sooo many others feel exactly what I do. that means we are NOT crazy, it is the alcohol screwing with us.... it is playing tricks on our brain.

when you become dependent on something, you feel pathetic and helpless. once you realize you CAN do it on your own, gradually your self esteem will come back.

just keep some faith!! take it one day at a time....

nickishine

All those things you were speaking of I can relate to!

Keep posting and reaching out. This is a good site and people here really do understand and listen to what you're saying!

We are the problem... alcohol is a symptom for us and becomes how we can function sanely until it stops working (the euphoria and magic). Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Keep reading and posting -- we're here for you and you're not alone!

Hugsxoxox,
Nicki

Tryingto

Well I know it's just day one. But I was feeling really terrible today. But I have sorted out some clothes (i.e. chucked a whole pile), did the dishes (I always do them, but usually at the last possible moment).
Yeh nothing miraculous but my house has been so messy, probably cos I am usually so lethargic and have a lack of energy which no doubt stems from my drinking.

nickishine

I totally relate! I don't do "jack" when I'm on the wasted train going no where... When I got sober this time around (after the severe sickness), I did 'spring cleaning' in my house since it never got done. I thought, it's better to see something good from my feeling like crap than just sitting there whinning in my head "I should be doing something"!

Keep posting and taking care of YOU!!... my friend!

xoxoxo,
Nicki:ghug

Tryingto

Thanks Nicki.
My head was/is spinning all day. I told my partner it could be vertigo recurring as I have had it before. But really I'd say it's the alcohol. Anyway it's 5:30pm here and that is normally when I reach for a few drinks before my partner gets home. So it's a little odd. I feel like relaxing but I know I am relaxing anyway, so I don't need the drink. It's hard to explain.

littlefish

You are already learning something tryingto: you just identified a trigger.

Just before my husband got home and when I started to cook dinner was when I would reach for the drinks. I felt stressed with the meal cooking so booze was my little friend. I spent many a year cooking with my little friend. Until little friend wasn't much of a friend anymore; I cut my fingers, burned myself, burned meals and even burned pots, broke dishes; in the end, I was more marinated than the food I was cooking.

When you start to identify your triggers you can find other ways to de-stress. When I identified that cooking after work/cooking with kids needing help with homework, cooking when tired, etc, was stressing me, I cooked the easiest things I could think of, cooked ahead or used frozen meals. Or I just threw in the apron and ordered a pizza.

Once you start to identify the triggers, you can start to deal with them.

Mariposa18

TryingTo~ First of all Welcome to SR =) I'm glad you are here and looking for a way to get better, that is the first step!

I can relate to how you are feeling as far as thinking that your feelings are crazy or that you are a nutcase. Hon, we aren't! We have an addiction, a disease. It's not something we can turn on/off, but something we have to deal with everyday. It does get easier, the more days you go without a drink the better it gets. You realize that things are even better sober, best of all you REMEMBER them!

Sometimes it's overwhelming when all these feelings come rushing in, but remember its' better to feel something, than to feel nothing. It lets us know we are alive~

Keep coming here, keep posting, asking questions. We are all here to support each other!

four812

some thought for you:

this thinking people are laughing at you or that people are ignoring you is simply illusion. at least for the most part (99%). your thoughts here are perhaps more self-centered-skewed than of the real truth of the situation.

the key thing is where you wrote "this is not a good feeling". that is where you need to concentrate. feel the feeling. You are avoiding the feeling by thinking about what others are doing or thinking about you. forget about the others. and try to focus upon your own feelings.

bumble2008123

How are you doing now? I think you have taken a giant first step and should be proud of yourself. Keep posting, we are here.