christin1225

I’m torn as to whether or not to post. I think that I might have originally posted on this site because I had a foolish hope that I could find something that would make me do what I have always done, to choose to do what I know is best. I say foolish because no one nor anything can MAKE anyone CHOOSE. I’m a grown woman and I know that.

I wonder if, when I decided to register here, I had an inkling that whatever it is that torments me would not be appeased easily this time. I don’t know.

I have thought about never logging on again. But, that would mean that I would just walk away from some of the most compassionate and understanding people I have ever encountered.

I considered returning to post pleasant things, to “reward” you all for your kindness by showing you how well I am doing (big temptation) so that I could remain a part of this "family" and not worry about … I don't know. Just worry.

But, I’ve decided to be completely honest with you and even risk offending any addicts here (okay, so that means pretty much risking offending the whole forum!). I hope that I do not make myself unwelcome in doing so.

Saturday night, I thought that I was going nuts, I’ve never before been so anxious that I couldn’t hear music. (If Anna sees this... that’s why your giggle meant so much). Music fills me up like nothing else does and it was being drowned out by ... I don’t even know what to call it. Half the day on Sunday, I couldn’t concentrate. I could only obsess about trying to find some relief and I finally did.

Someone asked on another thread, what to do when you get the “itch”? I had chicken pox as an adult and currently have idiopathic hiving (daily hives of unknown origin); I know an itch. Although I had to avoid scratching at all costs with the chicken pox, I can scratch lightly or rub the hives that I get so that they stop driving me crazy because in the end the antihistamine will eventually take care of it. The two cases are two separate animals.

Likewise, if you’re fortunate enough NOT to have a history of physical dependence on drugs, a few hydrocodone scratches just enough to take the edge off the itch and grant a few hours of calm and some (no, I mean quite a bit of) relief. My intent was not to get high, just to quiet … I still don't know what to call it. All I know is that it worked with only 15mg.

As I decide to post this, I wonder if a part of me is looking for someone to say something to make me want to be sorry for what I did because I can't honestly say that I am. Almost twenty four hours later and the sense of relief remains. Although my thoughts remain somewhat obsessive, I’m not anxious anymore. I actually feel sane again and can distract myself with other activities.

I haven’t given up on trying to find out what’s going on inside of me to make me feel this way. I hope that's enough for you guys not to shun me at this point. I’m still searching. I know that I chose the easy way out. But, it was the only way out that I could find. I needed to be able to look ahead to facing tomorrow.

tommyk

Keep coming back, it's a free site for everyone.

Don't worry so much about what others will think at this point.

Welcome!

mle-sober

Yes - what Tommy K said.

I'm not even sure I understand your post. Are you saying you took hydrocodon to relieve anxiety? Why do you have hydrocodone sitting around the house? That sounds like asking for trouble.

You have identified yourself as a non-alcoholic, non-addict with alcoholic and addict cravings. Is that like being an normie in an alckie body? That's what it sounds like. Like you almost want to follow your urges to addiction in order to escape some part of yourself or your life. Do you think you romantize it?

I wish you'd talk to a therapist. I know you are admamently against it. But I think that's where you could find true lasting relief from what's torturing you.

timzup

Ok, I'm having one of those investigative moments. So much so I'm certain that I'm making up words just to express my thoughts....nevermind, here we go.

A few hypotheticals for all to consider, I don't proclaim to know the answers.

1) Does anyone really have to reach their rock bottom before an addiction ought to be addressed?
2) Does anyone have to abuse a substance before cravings/obsessions take hold?
3) For example, if alcoholism is a disease as is widely claimed, does an individual have to experience abuse of it before recovery can commence? Can the same question apply to other substances? Surely an allergic reaction is only found upon injestion of that substance however, should that substance never be injested that doesn't make the person any less alergic to it.

Considers this, most of us crave a large lottery win or suchlike. We perhaps fantasise about this happening. But on what basis? In the vast majority of cases it certainly isn't from experience but that doesn't prevent us from perhaps dreaming about it.

Any thoughts, anyone? Someone? Not bothered who, go on, you know you want to.

mle-sober

No totally. With Christin's 1st or 2nd post, I proposed that she was an alcoholic who'd been sober for 20 years and just never worked a program so hasn't felt the relief.

AbbySinthe

Unfortunately, I'm a newcomer here & can't offer much advice. I can recommend that that you should continue to post if you feel like it's helping you.

Also, I wanted you to know you're not the only one who suffers from Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria. I've had it off & on since I was 2 (i'll be 30 in jan). Just wanted to reach out & let you know if you need someone to vent to, I'm here.

lostbutterfly

Shun you??? You are joking aren't you. We all have messed up heads, the more the merrier!

Seriously, I think your disease was suggesting the hydros for an itch when you knew antihistamines would do. Our disease talks all the time and it defies all logical thoughts.

Do you do any kind of meetings?

Fiona630

Timzup, it would seem that if maybe u have a parent that is an alcoholic then u should already know that ur chances of becoming one are greater than most people so therefore, with this in mind, I dont see why someone could go ahead, early in life, and make the choice to never drink. I do know a few teens that will not touch the stuff. One girl in particular, im friends with her mom. Her dad is an abusive drunk. She watched for years her mom getting beat on by dad..till mom finally had enough. This young lady has experimented but has decided at 17 to be drug and alcohol free. She might change her mind as she gets older..but seeing what she saw, she has learned what alcohol might do to her. She also lost a b/f's mom due to drunk driving. I also know a 19 yr old young lady that will not touch alcohol. Good for them, I say.

As for hitting rock bottom..hmm..I dont know. I think things could get much worse for me if I keep drinking the way that I have. I dont want to lose my family, which to me would be rock bottom. So Im trying to prevent that from happening by trying to quit now. I dont think its really hitting rock bottom..i think there comes a point where ur finally just soooooo tired of the alcohol/drugs controlling u. U finally see what u have become because of it..a lazy parent, gaining weight, an uncaring spouse, health issues, always tried, always sick, etc.

Just my opinions...

four812

no shunning from me. share anything you can, everything you are uncomfortable with. and I will not run. i come here to support you--an alcholic or addict who wants to be a better person.

i hope you post post post and keep posting. and especially i hope that this isn't your last post

Fiona630

christin...i wouldnt shun u either. This forum is here to help everyone. We all have issues and that is why we are here...like ksplash said...post post post.

IO Storm

I am not shunning you.

And..not sure what the problem is...but you are beating yourself up..

No one here is..and no one here will.

SR is for you.

christin1225

God, I wish that I could explain this to you guys. I really wish that I could.

I can clarify the "itch" example, however. It was metaphorical. Just as a person with chicken pox is NOT SUPPOSED to itch, a person with an addiction should not "scratch their itch" with drugs. However, a person with idiopathic urticaria may scratch (does make it temporarily worse but the meds will take care of it eventually) and, therefore, a person not addicted has much more liberty to satisfy such "an itch" with chemicals.

That was how I felt when I decided to take the hydrocodone. I was going nuts inside my own head. I needed relief and some peace. I wish that I could say that it didn't help. But, it did. Maybe, I am losing it. I don't know. I keep telling myself to snap out of it. For God's sake, it's in my head. Am I doing this to myself? Why am I thinking and feeling like this? The drug quieted my head, if that makes sense (because I'm not one who hears voices or anything). It was also a gentle quieting of everything else in me. I'm beginning to think that was my favorite part of getting high.

It's not my script, so I have a limited supply. I've made sure to limit myself so that I would keep my head clear enough for work this afternoon and have no intention of taking any more today. I'm hoping that if I can get over these next few days, things will return to normal for me. I'm not afraid of using the pills for a bit of calm during this time because, as you know, dependence only happens after prolonged use.

So, if I know all this, why do I come back here and tell you? Because you didn't kick me out the first time and for some reason I can't bear the thought of being alone in this while trying to wait it out or see if I can make it go away somehow.

If I eventually end up going raving mad -- which might be where this is heading, who knows -- (MLE), I'll finally talk to that therapist. (Please laugh with me. It doesn't help to cry.)

Anna

This will always be a safe place for you to come and discuss your issues.

I would be lost without SR, and the wonderful friends that I have here.

I do think that you are using a substance to make you feel better and you know that it's not a good idea. I do remember almost going out of my mind when I stopped drinking because I was so agitated and anxious. Have you tried some of the more obvious calming things like music, meditation, exercise? Those things really helped me.

Fiona630

After I have that first beer, I get what I can an itch for more. I feel antsy. Im obsessed by that next beer. Watching for the waitress..where the hell is she? I want my beer NOW! I feel like Im crawling out of my skin. Most people can have their one beer, go play pool, darts, talk..i cant even think..im waiting..i will order my next beer before my first beer is even halfway gone...just to make sure. I feel like Im going crazy for that next beer. Reminds me, in a way, of my dogs when I have a treat for them. Eyes locked on that treat. They will go through all the stupid pet tricks for that one treat..u give it to them and they sit there staring at u waiting for more. U tell them no and push them away and they go a bit nuts, jumping around, sniffing, one of them will bark at me for more. I know its prob. not the exact feeling ur feeling...but its how I relate my "itch" to wanting another drink once I start. When I get that next beer...oh do I feel sooooo much better. Its like the stress goes away, i dont feel antsy..until Im waiting for the next one and the waitress is no where to be seen. lol And that feeling only goes away with opening the next one. If I try to control it, Im antsy and irritable all night.

mle-sober

"I'm not afraid of using the pills for a bit of calm during this time because, as you know, dependence only happens after prolonged use."

I don't know. That sounds like a rationalization. I'm not addicted so I should be ok to use this percription drug that wasn't even prescribed for me when there is a perfectly good alternative.

When I was about 7, I had my first drink. Eggnog at a holiday party. Oh boy did I like it. I would've kept drinking more until this very day if my father hadn't gently taken the cup away from me. Was I an alcoholic even then?

Who cares! Spiked eggnog really wasn't meant for 7 year olds. And Hydrocodone really isn't meant for urticaria (I've had it too for years and I take Hydrozxyzine or Benedryl).

I am glad you're here and posting. Don't let me scare you away. But the issue of addiction is almost mute at this point.

You're using a drug that gets you high and is not meant for you to substitute for one that is meant for you but doesn't get you high. Because it not only addresses the original problem but it also makes you feel good. It gets you high! It soothes your busy head.

That's what we addicts and alcoholic do. We find substances that SOOTHE us! And we avoid the hard work of looking at why we need soothed in the first place and what might be some healthier ways to soothe ourselves... We take this to extremes and then it is a horrible mess. And we have to find our way back through all those tangled things.

I'm afraid you're looking straight down the barrel of addiction to a very potent substance. Because you're afraid to look down the barrel of your own fears and anxieties. Believe me, that way lies madness.

Sugah

I sponsor a woman who is 51 years old. She's been sober for five years. She didn't take a drink until she was 43 years old. In three years, she was hopelessly alcoholic. She was also mixing sedatives with alcohol. After several psychiatric hospitalizations and a rehab, she decided she had a problem.

That you can sense a problem before the "symptoms" are full-blown is quite the blessing, if you choose to accept it. Unfortunately, the symptoms are not the problem. What you're describing doesn't go away just by not putting chemicals into your body.

If you were to slip into a seat at an AA or NA speaker meeting, you'd hear that most folks felt something different about themselves before their addictions were full-blown. "I always felt different," or "I just wanted to be numb, not feel." You might not hear your story the first time, but eventually, from what you describe, something would click, and then, you could hear the rest of the story--what comes after we start to use drugs or alcohol to feel normal. I would guess it's not a place you want to go.

As far as having only a limited supply of drugs available to you, well--if you are what you suspect you are, that won't stop you. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Counseling? Meetings? The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop--and now that you've started, you have something to stop.

Just some things to consider. I wish you well.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Anna

Sugah,

That's a really good point.

I didn't drink until my mid-forties. At that time, I was overwhelmed with insomnia, a husband who travelled all the time, a stressful job and two teenagers (one of whom was living dangerously). I turned to alcohol to help me sleep. It never occurred to me that I could become an alcoholic. But, all the symptoms had been there for years - control-freak, depressed, angry, moody, never dealt with my emotions - all I had to do was add alcohol and the addiction was almost instant.

christin1225

Thanks, Anna. Yes. I tried music and walking, but could not hear the music. My head drowned it out. Meditation is just too quiet right now. I can't have nothing in my head. Will do the music and walking tonight. Thanks again!

four812

music and walking....good things to help.

when it's hard for me to be "quiet" in my mind.

staying busy during times like this helps me also, ie...cleaning my living area,work area
going grocery or "walmart" shopping
watching an inspirational movie
watching any movie
calling an old friend