sdfox15fb

I have been drinking heavily since I was 16 and I am 26 now. At first it was just a weekend thing but now it is every night that I am looking to drink. I have tried to quit before but it is always around and I get very excited to drink. All of my friends drink a lot and I get a euphoric feeling when I am able to pre game and then go out to the bars. This is the way that it has been for years. But now it is even worse. I have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.
About seven months ago I had a psychotic manic episode and was locked up in a psych ward for two weeks. I have lost my job and my home and have moved back in with my apartments. The psychotic episode that I went through had me believing that I was the second coming of Jesus. My parents sent the police to my house and after being brought to the hospital, I had escaped. I ran away and went to downtown Manhattan. Where I was climbing to the tops of bars and hopping from roof to roof because I believed I was in a movie or a TV show. I could do anything I wanted and nothing could stop me. I made it past the security guards of the Trump building because I said I was with the cleaning crew and started knocking on all the doors because I believed that there was a party waiting for me in one of those rooms. After I broke down that night I ended up back at my home, the police came the next morning and made sure that I was cuffed the whole time until I was submitted into the psychiatric ward.
I was in there for two weeks and when I came I had only the broken pieces that was my life to deal with. Ever since then, I have been drinking as much as possible and as often as possible. It has been a way for me to escape and while I am drinking I feel great about myself, but once I stop the earth shattering depression hits. I know that b/c of the meds that I am on and all the drinking that I am damaging my body and I dont want to die young. I am very reliant on alcohol and it is starting to scare me. Every where I go to socialize it is right in my face and it is very hard for me to turn it down, but I have to start. I appreciate any help and support that I can get. Thank you for listening.

tommyk

Give the meds a chance to work on their own without the alcohol.

Use AA and whatever else is necessary to stop the drinking.

Keep coming back.

Pam08

Welcome to SR, very glad you found us, you will get alot of support here that is forsure...you might also want to post on the mental health side so you can also get the bi-polar support too, but am sure there are alot of alcoholics with bi-polar. That is very common/dual diagnosis.

I have not been diagnosed bi-polar, but also never been to a pshchiatrist. and they are the ones to diagnose..my therapist in rehab. said he thought I was border line..so who knows. I know I do not have the extreme manic episodes you spoke of, but there are two types of bi-polar. Anyway...enuf of that.

I have learned that people with mental illness, depression, bi-polar, anxiety, etc etc drink and drug to medicate themselves....so this is why you feel better for a bit when drinking, you lose feelings, get numb. I originally started drinking to be more social, out going, fun, etc etc., but as I got older it changed to medicating myself, to avoid the pain of life, and that was the start of my life spiralling down hill over the years. Finally I hit rock bottom, drinking no longer made me feel good, I lost control of me and who I am. The last time I drank I knew in my head and heart that if I continue to drink I will die or be locked up in a mental ward, the writing was on the wall for me.
With the grace of God, I found AA and this forum and I am feeling better each and everyday.

You spoke of medications, for bi-polar? If so, have you been on them very long? I know the medication I take, welbutrin, I am not supose to drink with it. The medication should be stabilizing your moods, the manic time and the depressed times. If they are not working you should speak to your psychiatrist.

I hope you find a safe haven here to talk to people who are living a pretty parralell life as yours, slight differences, but in the end we are all alot alike.
AA is a great program, and I hope you might consider going to a meeting, if you do, don't just try one, go a few times and give it a chance. I feel so much different then I did a month ago, and I thank my higher power for giving me a chance at life.

Keep coming back!

Rainbowgirl128

I feel the same way. It is everywhere and hard to turn down, especially when other people are drinking and hanging out "normally." Some good advice given above. Good luck...

sdfox15fb

Thank you so much for your reply. I have bee on depekote for eight months now. It makes me feel very lethargic.
I am doing exactly what you said and I am only drinking b/c it is such an escape for me. I know how productive I can be and if I am drinking, it only holds me back. When I am feeling so low, I know that as long as I can have a drink, that I will feel so much better. It is such a short term fix and I need to see the bigger picture.
I am going to look into the meetings in my area. I think that would really be a great help, as well as sticking with this site.

Pam08

I have friends who are on depekote, not sure about them feeling lethargic on it..hmmm..interesting...did they say that is normal?

Great that you gonna look into the AA meetings around you...I tell you they are changing my life. I feel so connected there...and it didn't come the first day...so give it a few days ....let us know how it goes..
Keep posting, keep us updated..

mle-sober

I'm sorry for your very terrifying and difficult expereince.

I myself am severely bipolar and an alcoholic. My bipolar did result in severe psychotic mania of the sort you mention. Cops and hospitals and four-point restraints and Haldol and the whole nine yards.

Yuck.

Eventually, when I was able to make one small decision at a time and eventually grown through some of the horrid stuff in my past, I was able to get honest about the role of alcohol in my life and go to rehab, then to AA. I have been sober for almost 10 months.

In conjunction, I had to agree to take Lithium, Seroquel, and Depakote. Those three have balanced me out. I am neither depressed nor manic. I go to weekly therapy. I have to watch how much stress I have in my life. I have to eat well and get enough sleep. In short, I have to take responsiblity for myself.

Addressing both of those issues at essentially the same time has renewed my life and made it possible for me to do many things I've wanted to do. I can take care of my children. I can read. I can cook. Those were all things I couldn't do before. Or not with any skill.

It is devestating when you are first starting out and trying to figure out how to juggle all these peices. But it can be done. Three years ago, no one would have given me much hope to be more than a mubbling, incoherent, looney, somewhat dangerous drunk. No longer. I am Emilie. Getting closer and closer every day to the Emilie I really think God wants me to me.

Keep trying. Keep trying. Keep trying.

sdfox15fb

Thank you so much. I am sorry that you have been afflicted with both of these diseases but I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone. It has been tough for me but I think that is so clear to me now what I have to do. And it is from reading all of your posts that I have been inspired by all of your stories and your kindness. It is beautiful to see that there is a life without alcohol and all of you are living it. I want to be right there next to you!

IO Storm

Bipolar bear here too. Severe Type I.

Yeah..a true horror story. Up the down hill she goes, and where stops, no one knows.

I took speed pills too..a pillhead. Most likely to maintain the "high", my doc says.

But when I drank..look out! I take Depakote too..combined with Topomax.

Not so lethargic lately..I still have my ups and downs..but not severe.

I am getting my life back..inch by inch. And recovery is possible because I

am not self medicating without knowing why? I thought I was just crazy.

But, please..don't drink on this stuff...get into a program.

I am in AA..and it works for me.

Good luck.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

About half of the members in my AA home group are Bi-Polar.
They use meds for that....AA for staying sober.

Hope you will find your way...Recovery Rocks!