Hi I'm New. Here's my story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4
Hi I'm New. Here's my story.
Hi.
I am a person who has battled with alcoholism since I was about 17 years of age. The first time I ever drank I got really high from alcohol. I remember wanting more and more. My friend who had drunk less woke up sick, I woke up feeling fine.
I have been in lots of trouble because of alcohol. I was homeless for a couple of years. I have been arrested probably around 30 times because of alcohol. I have (serious) scars all over my arms and legs cause I used to smash up bottles and cut myself.
I can remember throwing a stake at an incoming train, which was probably only 25 metres of so away from me. I can remember nearly drowning a river that surrounds a brewery (at the time I was trying to get to it, though I could get more alcohol).
I have been taken into hospital many dozens of times, detained on several occasions.
I have done some bad things when drunk, things i would NEVER do when sober. I'm considered to be polite and mild mannered when sober. When drunk I have smashed shop windows, smashed up cars, attacked police with knives, jumped on top of moving police cars etc. Of course I have woken up plenty of times covered in vomit and worst. In my worst period i had horrific hallucinations, the worst you could possibly imagine, they still scare me to this day. I always want more and more alcohol and i am a rapid drinker. It makes me really, really high at first. At its best i cant imagine ANY drug could make me possibly better. I feel clever, and able to handle everything- motivated, happy, excited, interested, relaxed, this "buzz" feeling. Sometimes when drunk I have stolen from bottleshops (something i would never normally do- i do not steal) to get more alcohol. WHen i was homeless in the city I you would find me passed out around various spots in the city. I used to get free food at homeless shelter, they were actually pretty good there. The doctor used to say i would end up dead if I didnt stop drinking, they would give me you know those vitamin injections.
I usually drink about 4-5 times a week. Usually I drink between 1 to 1.5 bottles of scotch. Sometimes I drink beer or cask wine.
I just got back on the internet recently cause I have managed to hold a unit over the last year or so (only reason i haven't been evicted is cause my brother who is well of financially has spent thousands repairing various damage i have done to it drunk etc) but i kept selling off my possessions to get alcohol. I sold my computer for $50 to another tenant so I could pissed. Just bought a cheap one again on payday (i am on a disability pension).
But I think I have found a happy ending.
I have never been into stuff like AA. Its not my cup of tea because I am an atheist and totally against the seemingly religious type components. Although the group interaction does appeal to me.
I've been diagnosed before by various doctors with borderline personality disorder, also as a child I was diagnosed with ADHD. Most people consider me fairly hyperactive. I get a lot of anxiety and used to have bad panic attacks, but dont get them anymore (I really have no idea why they went away). Yeah I've been on the antidepressant bandwagon. I frequently struggle with feeling depressed and unmotivated, sad, like nothing interests me. Nothing. But the antidepressants have never done anything. They just dont "hit" the spot. Of course alcohol does, for a little while anyway before it turns into anarchy.
Anyway 6 weeks ago a doctor suggested I try naltrexone. I was quite skeptical because I though it probably doesn't do anything, its for blocking the opiod receptors. Probably does nothing in alcoholics, probably corrupt clinical trials sponsored by greedy pharmaceutical companies are the only reason it got on the market...
Well I have not had a single drink for 6 weeks. I have not even been trying. I have not "felt" like drinking at all. I have not craved alcohol in the slightest. Its only been 6 weeks but I feel like I have been "cured" of alcoholism. I hope it continues. I could almost never make a week before without drinking. The best I have done in the last year was 12 days. Now I have gone 6 weeks. I haven't had any counseling etc. In fact I know if the craving came, I would soon loose out against it and end up drinking. I'd probably not be able to get on here cause I'd pawn off my computer or smash my unit to pieces (as I have done various times when very intoxicated).
Well its looking good for me. I am really, really grateful. If people are interested I will keep an update here, and tell you people if I still haven't slipped up. I'll be honest.
I think ANYBODY who is an alcoholic who has NOT tried naltrexone MUST TRY IT. It works in about 20-30% of people to some degree according to the research.
Edit: Some interesting research (it wont let me link it), just came out in the last few days. A clinical trial of 80 methamphetamine addicted individuals showed that it also seems effect in amphetamine addicts. Some of my friends have struggled as chronic iv meth users.
I am a person who has battled with alcoholism since I was about 17 years of age. The first time I ever drank I got really high from alcohol. I remember wanting more and more. My friend who had drunk less woke up sick, I woke up feeling fine.
I have been in lots of trouble because of alcohol. I was homeless for a couple of years. I have been arrested probably around 30 times because of alcohol. I have (serious) scars all over my arms and legs cause I used to smash up bottles and cut myself.
I can remember throwing a stake at an incoming train, which was probably only 25 metres of so away from me. I can remember nearly drowning a river that surrounds a brewery (at the time I was trying to get to it, though I could get more alcohol).
I have been taken into hospital many dozens of times, detained on several occasions.
I have done some bad things when drunk, things i would NEVER do when sober. I'm considered to be polite and mild mannered when sober. When drunk I have smashed shop windows, smashed up cars, attacked police with knives, jumped on top of moving police cars etc. Of course I have woken up plenty of times covered in vomit and worst. In my worst period i had horrific hallucinations, the worst you could possibly imagine, they still scare me to this day. I always want more and more alcohol and i am a rapid drinker. It makes me really, really high at first. At its best i cant imagine ANY drug could make me possibly better. I feel clever, and able to handle everything- motivated, happy, excited, interested, relaxed, this "buzz" feeling. Sometimes when drunk I have stolen from bottleshops (something i would never normally do- i do not steal) to get more alcohol. WHen i was homeless in the city I you would find me passed out around various spots in the city. I used to get free food at homeless shelter, they were actually pretty good there. The doctor used to say i would end up dead if I didnt stop drinking, they would give me you know those vitamin injections.
I usually drink about 4-5 times a week. Usually I drink between 1 to 1.5 bottles of scotch. Sometimes I drink beer or cask wine.
I just got back on the internet recently cause I have managed to hold a unit over the last year or so (only reason i haven't been evicted is cause my brother who is well of financially has spent thousands repairing various damage i have done to it drunk etc) but i kept selling off my possessions to get alcohol. I sold my computer for $50 to another tenant so I could pissed. Just bought a cheap one again on payday (i am on a disability pension).
But I think I have found a happy ending.
I have never been into stuff like AA. Its not my cup of tea because I am an atheist and totally against the seemingly religious type components. Although the group interaction does appeal to me.
I've been diagnosed before by various doctors with borderline personality disorder, also as a child I was diagnosed with ADHD. Most people consider me fairly hyperactive. I get a lot of anxiety and used to have bad panic attacks, but dont get them anymore (I really have no idea why they went away). Yeah I've been on the antidepressant bandwagon. I frequently struggle with feeling depressed and unmotivated, sad, like nothing interests me. Nothing. But the antidepressants have never done anything. They just dont "hit" the spot. Of course alcohol does, for a little while anyway before it turns into anarchy.
Anyway 6 weeks ago a doctor suggested I try naltrexone. I was quite skeptical because I though it probably doesn't do anything, its for blocking the opiod receptors. Probably does nothing in alcoholics, probably corrupt clinical trials sponsored by greedy pharmaceutical companies are the only reason it got on the market...
Well I have not had a single drink for 6 weeks. I have not even been trying. I have not "felt" like drinking at all. I have not craved alcohol in the slightest. Its only been 6 weeks but I feel like I have been "cured" of alcoholism. I hope it continues. I could almost never make a week before without drinking. The best I have done in the last year was 12 days. Now I have gone 6 weeks. I haven't had any counseling etc. In fact I know if the craving came, I would soon loose out against it and end up drinking. I'd probably not be able to get on here cause I'd pawn off my computer or smash my unit to pieces (as I have done various times when very intoxicated).
Well its looking good for me. I am really, really grateful. If people are interested I will keep an update here, and tell you people if I still haven't slipped up. I'll be honest.
I think ANYBODY who is an alcoholic who has NOT tried naltrexone MUST TRY IT. It works in about 20-30% of people to some degree according to the research.
Edit: Some interesting research (it wont let me link it), just came out in the last few days. A clinical trial of 80 methamphetamine addicted individuals showed that it also seems effect in amphetamine addicts. Some of my friends have struggled as chronic iv meth users.
Last edited by borderline; 11-29-2008 at 11:56 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Hi borderline, welcome to SR. I find that I can fight cravings but the moment alcohol touches my lips all bets are off. I'm glad to hear you are doing well and craving alcohol but do you have a plan set up in case you do start craving? It is good to have someone to talk to when we are craving, someone to call or go see, or a support group of some sort.
I hope you stick around, this is a great place with great people.
I hope you stick around, this is a great place with great people.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4
Thanks for your welcomes.. Im about to go to bed but noticed your replies...
I have been reading this forum for a few days but thought i would register today.
In regards to a craving management plan, I don't really have one in place. I am hoping the naltrexone will keep working the way it did, though I am scared my brain will "adapt" to it somehow or it will stop working (cause it really seems to be working, i can't offer any other explanation for why i am not craving alcohol)... If I do get a craving, I will have to something drastic, I want to live an alcohol free life. I dont want to go back. Its damn hell. I don't just hurt myself but people I love. I live alone and i dont have a GF but I do have people who love me. In that way I am lucky. If I run into trouble i'll talk about it on here..
Again thanks for your welcomes
Off to bed for me
I have been reading this forum for a few days but thought i would register today.
In regards to a craving management plan, I don't really have one in place. I am hoping the naltrexone will keep working the way it did, though I am scared my brain will "adapt" to it somehow or it will stop working (cause it really seems to be working, i can't offer any other explanation for why i am not craving alcohol)... If I do get a craving, I will have to something drastic, I want to live an alcohol free life. I dont want to go back. Its damn hell. I don't just hurt myself but people I love. I live alone and i dont have a GF but I do have people who love me. In that way I am lucky. If I run into trouble i'll talk about it on here..
Again thanks for your welcomes
Off to bed for me Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
thanks for shareing Border , and congrats on 6 weeks keep doing what ever it is thats working for you ... its great being sober and shows there is hope for those like you who stuggle so badly, do keep us posted ...:ghug3
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Hi borderline. What a story - but it can have a good ending. There can be joy and hope again in your life without the terrible fear of what'll happen next time you drink. I don't attend AA meetings - I did in the past when they were court-ordered, and I never was hit over the head with religious talk in any meeting I went to. I think the help you would get would far outweigh any uncomfortable moments, if there were any. As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. If one meeting doesn't appeal to you, try others. I really think it's a good idea for the future, & could give you that extra something to cling to that you may need. For now, though, I'm so glad you found SR - and that you have the determination to turn things around. I hope you will keep checking in. You'll be helping us, too, by telling about your journey to sobriety. Love, Joanie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 164
welcome borderline...congrats on 6 weeks...that's awesome! keep coming back!! i'm a huge proponent of AA, helped me tremendously and continues to do so...check it out....i don't find it to be hugely religious...and again you can take what you need and leave the rest...every meeting i attend i hear something i need to hear at that time...not sure how, now sure why...but hey it works...so who cares!!
my thoughts and prayers are with you!! you're doing great!!
Lisa
my thoughts and prayers are with you!! you're doing great!!
Lisa
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Hey, Borderline!
Thanks for sharing. We all say that but we all mean it. I know personally I never get tired of hearing that other people are dealing with the same problems I've been having. It's therapeutic to hear that others are also trying to change.
I have a BPD diagnosis too. I know how incredibly horrid and dangerous it gets when you mix an impulsive mindset with alcohol abuse. I've found that everyone with both issues also had the tendency to be a "rapid drinker." I also used to slam down alcohol and would go from being a nice guy to a sociopath monster in minutes flat. Definitely glad that I've been able to put that side of me aside and make some amends.
I go to AA, and while I am religious the spiritual aspects of it are not what keeps me going. While sobriety does have spiritual implications for me it's not something I go to AA for. Some of my friends from the program are atheists and while they could do without the prayers and God of our AA groups, they still find the benefits of AA are great enough to "leave the rest" as it's said. One way we all look at the AA program is it's about developing a stronger understanding of the self and our relationship with the world. That can be equally spirituality or just secular self-awareness, same thing in my opinion.
And one nice thing about AA and Sober Recovery is both are places to let off some steam, about any cause or kind of problem, in an anonymous, non-judgmental setting, before those problems push you too close to relapse.
And six weeks is no small change either! That's an amazing start even if, sure, it's still a beginning. I think I've got close to 11 and while every week helps I know I'm still nowhere near being over the hump.
Thanks for sharing. We all say that but we all mean it. I know personally I never get tired of hearing that other people are dealing with the same problems I've been having. It's therapeutic to hear that others are also trying to change.
I have a BPD diagnosis too. I know how incredibly horrid and dangerous it gets when you mix an impulsive mindset with alcohol abuse. I've found that everyone with both issues also had the tendency to be a "rapid drinker." I also used to slam down alcohol and would go from being a nice guy to a sociopath monster in minutes flat. Definitely glad that I've been able to put that side of me aside and make some amends.
I go to AA, and while I am religious the spiritual aspects of it are not what keeps me going. While sobriety does have spiritual implications for me it's not something I go to AA for. Some of my friends from the program are atheists and while they could do without the prayers and God of our AA groups, they still find the benefits of AA are great enough to "leave the rest" as it's said. One way we all look at the AA program is it's about developing a stronger understanding of the self and our relationship with the world. That can be equally spirituality or just secular self-awareness, same thing in my opinion.
And one nice thing about AA and Sober Recovery is both are places to let off some steam, about any cause or kind of problem, in an anonymous, non-judgmental setting, before those problems push you too close to relapse.
And six weeks is no small change either! That's an amazing start even if, sure, it's still a beginning. I think I've got close to 11 and while every week helps I know I'm still nowhere near being over the hump.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 469
Welcome to SR and congratulations on your 6 weeks of sobriety. I have never taken naltrexone, but I did take campral. I didn't notice a huge difference on my cravings. My cravings were not only physical, but mental too. I am over the physical part of craving, and with the help of this forum and AA. I am losing the mental craving, and when it comes and I think of a drink, I play the drinking tape in my head all the way thru...(I remember the whole scenerio of drinking, not just the beginning when it feels good but to the end, black outs, bad times, and the next morning full of guilt and horrible feelings....that is keeping me sober at times of toxic thinking.
Hope you have a plan in motion for the craving can very well come..You would be very blessed if it has been lifted from you forever. But just incase..be prepared for the if's..with a what now.. Keep posting and reading posts here..helps sobriety alot.
Hope you have a plan in motion for the craving can very well come..You would be very blessed if it has been lifted from you forever. But just incase..be prepared for the if's..with a what now..
Keep posting and reading posts here..helps sobriety alot.
It's time to change!
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lake tahoe
Posts: 1,025
Thanks, Borderline for posting!
I have never tried Naltrexone yet now am curious about it. At this particular time in 8 days of sobriety, I haven't had the "cravings" or overwhelming desire to drink (thank God) like so often in the past when I quit drinking.
What I know for me is that I have to build up -- which I have currently in place -- support, accountability and safety with those whom I trust for those moments and days yet to come that will trigger the "sleeping tiger" within me, and to help me push through the tirade of chaotic feelings that lead me back into the bottle.
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and is ever patiently awaiting for me to let my guard down to speak seductively to me and wooo me back to its nectar. Time and time again this has happened (and did just this morning in thought), but it never has a happy ending or a short lived visit anymore.
It sounds as if you are pretty aware of its devasting consequences in your life and actions.... That's wonderful -- hold on to that! Remember that! Possibly journal about all the "cons" alcohol has had on your life, anything that will help keep it fresh in your mind and heart. Wow! 6 weeks is a huge thing... I encourage you not to put all your reliance on the naldrexone, however. Pursue support and you are welcome here 24/7!!!
Best!!!!
:ghug3
I have never tried Naltrexone yet now am curious about it. At this particular time in 8 days of sobriety, I haven't had the "cravings" or overwhelming desire to drink (thank God) like so often in the past when I quit drinking.
What I know for me is that I have to build up -- which I have currently in place -- support, accountability and safety with those whom I trust for those moments and days yet to come that will trigger the "sleeping tiger" within me, and to help me push through the tirade of chaotic feelings that lead me back into the bottle.
Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and is ever patiently awaiting for me to let my guard down to speak seductively to me and wooo me back to its nectar. Time and time again this has happened (and did just this morning in thought), but it never has a happy ending or a short lived visit anymore.
It sounds as if you are pretty aware of its devasting consequences in your life and actions.... That's wonderful -- hold on to that! Remember that! Possibly journal about all the "cons" alcohol has had on your life, anything that will help keep it fresh in your mind and heart. Wow! 6 weeks is a huge thing... I encourage you not to put all your reliance on the naldrexone, however. Pursue support and you are welcome here 24/7!!!
Best!!!!
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 4
Wow! I'd just like to thank everyone for the overwhelmingly positive and supportive messages. I thought I would tell me story warts and all, I wanted people to know what a destructive influence alcohol has truly been on my life. I will definitely stick around this forum, I read so many interesting stories and viewpoints on here... I am thinking a bit more towards giving AA a go. I am a social person, and I think just getting out in a positive social circle (with some focus on keep off alcohol) is probably what would benefit me most from AA.
Oh Pam08 in regards to campral I tried that as well, and I didn't feel it helped reduce cravings or the desire to drink at all in me. Of course its important people don't get put off trying it, because its supposed to help in some cases. From what I have read and experienced both campral and naltrexone are both quite safe medications, and any side effects that occur- if they occur at all- tend to be mild. The only exception I believe is that if you have *SERIOUS* liver damage you should get your live enzymes monitored on naltrexone. Also I have read it can cause problems to people that have HEP C, so they should be monitored also.
I am not trying to overly advocate medication. At the moment it seems to be working wonders for me. But I would be happy with anything. If wearing a silly magical hat seemed to stop me drinking then I would do that. Of course I appreciate that having the correct mindset and trying to take control of ones situation is very important also.
Oh Pam08 in regards to campral I tried that as well, and I didn't feel it helped reduce cravings or the desire to drink at all in me. Of course its important people don't get put off trying it, because its supposed to help in some cases. From what I have read and experienced both campral and naltrexone are both quite safe medications, and any side effects that occur- if they occur at all- tend to be mild. The only exception I believe is that if you have *SERIOUS* liver damage you should get your live enzymes monitored on naltrexone. Also I have read it can cause problems to people that have HEP C, so they should be monitored also.
I am not trying to overly advocate medication. At the moment it seems to be working wonders for me. But I would be happy with anything. If wearing a silly magical hat seemed to stop me drinking then I would do that. Of course I appreciate that having the correct mindset and trying to take control of ones situation is very important also.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
welcome borderline.....
"borderline personality", I remember being told i had that in the early 80's of my life. in the 90's another doctor called it manic depression. whatever's going around I got it too!
you are not alone.
hey you wrote:
those are powerful combination of words!
keep up the good work borderline....and welcome
"borderline personality", I remember being told i had that in the early 80's of my life. in the 90's another doctor called it manic depression. whatever's going around I got it too!
you are not alone.
hey you wrote:
I will have to something drastic, I want to live an alcohol free life. I dont want to go back. Its damn hell.
keep up the good work borderline....and welcome
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