Is my girlfriend an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Is my girlfriend an alcoholic?
Hi Everyone!
First, thanks for any advice that you may give
Here's my story: I have a girlfriend of 4 months and she is quite a bit different from me, having recently entered the single scene, I guess I wasn't aware what single and 30, or thereabouts, entailed. I guess I should say upfront that I maybe lack a little perspective due to my inexperience with alcohol.
The first thing I noticed about her is that when we first started talking, she was almost always drunk. Declared drunk by her "I'm soooo drunk hee hee"--originally I thought it was fairly normal to go out dancing, drink, or get buzzed etc. But at some point I realized "I think she's drunk most nights of the week!"--right now I adjust that statement and say that she's doesn't seem the have much capacity to NOT get drunk when alcohol is present. For example, if there are 3 bottles of wine, she won't stop drinking until she's very buzzed or drunk. If there was only 1 bottle of wine, she'd stop with 1. It seems to mostly be about availability; as in, she doesn't seem to get to a point where she thinks, before she's drunk, "ok, that's enough for me".
I'm pretty sure there is not a single day during the week in which she doesn't have a glass or two of wine. If more wine, she'll have more.
The guy at the liquor store knows her personally (greets her as she comes in), and basically any time we ever go out, she will get fairly drunk. We dance Salsa alot, and she's almost always fairly drunk by the time she gets to the dance floor.
Her two roomates drink wine every night too, and so it's kind of a 'thing' that they do after work. Drink wine, smoke a little, watch Tv, and go to bed.
She has a DUI and should have gotten another one sometime last week.
ok! So that's the bad. Let me explain the good.
She's very well educated with her masters degree in counseling, she goes to work on time, she makes a good amount of money. You can barely tell she's drunk when she's drunk---the only indication that she has been drinking is slurred speech and stumbling a bit. She's not an angry drinker, she doesn't really have hang-overs, she's not wrecking her life in any blaring way, other than perhaps her body and bank account. She's completely functional.
It's just that it's almost completely impossible for her to go without drinking--but if I say "could you not drink for a week you think?" she says "yeah, that'd be easy!".
She went on a bit of a road trip with some friends last night and they drank beer and champagne on the way up so that they were 'buzzed', and she called me last night at 1:30, long after I was asleep, going "I'm soo drunk!" she said "well, I had like 6 cups of wine". So..that kind of bugged me honestly. In my head I'm going "can't she go out to some party and not drink, even once?"
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do with her, and I'm not sure if she counts as an alcoholic. She would never admit it--she's got a masters degree in counseling people with psychological and substance abuse issues. Her life isn't being destroyed--as in she's not a train wreck, but I can see that happening I guess. I just presumed the "I'm sooo drunk hee hee" stage ended when most people leave college, not into their early 30's.
So ..anyway, would any of you consider her an alcoholic? And if you do, what type? How do I talk to her and address that this is an issue, when she truly believes there is no issue at all?
She says she'd stop drinking and smoking (yes, smokes too) if she got married or were pregnant--I tend to think that one needs to get their life in order BEFORE those points.
Anywho...thoughts? Not sure how to proceed with someone who doesn't think she has any issue at all, and is surrounded by people who do the same thing, reinforcing the behavior. Do you think she'll get worse?
Hope you all had a great thanksgiving!
e
First, thanks for any advice that you may give
Here's my story: I have a girlfriend of 4 months and she is quite a bit different from me, having recently entered the single scene, I guess I wasn't aware what single and 30, or thereabouts, entailed. I guess I should say upfront that I maybe lack a little perspective due to my inexperience with alcohol.
The first thing I noticed about her is that when we first started talking, she was almost always drunk. Declared drunk by her "I'm soooo drunk hee hee"--originally I thought it was fairly normal to go out dancing, drink, or get buzzed etc. But at some point I realized "I think she's drunk most nights of the week!"--right now I adjust that statement and say that she's doesn't seem the have much capacity to NOT get drunk when alcohol is present. For example, if there are 3 bottles of wine, she won't stop drinking until she's very buzzed or drunk. If there was only 1 bottle of wine, she'd stop with 1. It seems to mostly be about availability; as in, she doesn't seem to get to a point where she thinks, before she's drunk, "ok, that's enough for me".
I'm pretty sure there is not a single day during the week in which she doesn't have a glass or two of wine. If more wine, she'll have more.
The guy at the liquor store knows her personally (greets her as she comes in), and basically any time we ever go out, she will get fairly drunk. We dance Salsa alot, and she's almost always fairly drunk by the time she gets to the dance floor.
Her two roomates drink wine every night too, and so it's kind of a 'thing' that they do after work. Drink wine, smoke a little, watch Tv, and go to bed.
She has a DUI and should have gotten another one sometime last week.
ok! So that's the bad. Let me explain the good.
She's very well educated with her masters degree in counseling, she goes to work on time, she makes a good amount of money. You can barely tell she's drunk when she's drunk---the only indication that she has been drinking is slurred speech and stumbling a bit. She's not an angry drinker, she doesn't really have hang-overs, she's not wrecking her life in any blaring way, other than perhaps her body and bank account. She's completely functional.
It's just that it's almost completely impossible for her to go without drinking--but if I say "could you not drink for a week you think?" she says "yeah, that'd be easy!".
She went on a bit of a road trip with some friends last night and they drank beer and champagne on the way up so that they were 'buzzed', and she called me last night at 1:30, long after I was asleep, going "I'm soo drunk!" she said "well, I had like 6 cups of wine". So..that kind of bugged me honestly. In my head I'm going "can't she go out to some party and not drink, even once?"
Anyway, I'm not sure what to do with her, and I'm not sure if she counts as an alcoholic. She would never admit it--she's got a masters degree in counseling people with psychological and substance abuse issues. Her life isn't being destroyed--as in she's not a train wreck, but I can see that happening I guess. I just presumed the "I'm sooo drunk hee hee" stage ended when most people leave college, not into their early 30's.
So ..anyway, would any of you consider her an alcoholic? And if you do, what type? How do I talk to her and address that this is an issue, when she truly believes there is no issue at all?
She says she'd stop drinking and smoking (yes, smokes too) if she got married or were pregnant--I tend to think that one needs to get their life in order BEFORE those points.
Anywho...thoughts? Not sure how to proceed with someone who doesn't think she has any issue at all, and is surrounded by people who do the same thing, reinforcing the behavior. Do you think she'll get worse?
Hope you all had a great thanksgiving!
e
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Posts: 61,501
Hi and Welcome,
Your girlfriend would need to decide for herself whether or not she is an alcoholic. That isn't something someone can decide for her. And, yes, definitely, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse if it is not stopped.
It does seem to me that her drinking is a problem for you, and I hope that you seek support for yourself in dealing with this situation. You might check out AlAnon or the forum for Friends and Families on this board.
Your girlfriend would need to decide for herself whether or not she is an alcoholic. That isn't something someone can decide for her. And, yes, definitely, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse if it is not stopped.
It does seem to me that her drinking is a problem for you, and I hope that you seek support for yourself in dealing with this situation. You might check out AlAnon or the forum for Friends and Families on this board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
interesting advice.
separating is certainly an option for me, honestly, though I'd like to work with her before it gets to that point.
I think it's pretty clear it's not going anywhere good, which is why I'd like to be of some help to her.
Right now I'm not going to consider separating an option, as in, not for the next few months. I am however, very capable of breaking up with her were I to need to. I've never dated a smoker or drinker honestly--but beneath it all she's a good person that I like. So I'll give it a shot for a while.
"I hope that you seek support for yourself in dealing with this situation."
that's why I'm here.
Just looking for some advice, (other than to separate, which will undoubtedly happen within 3-4 months if she doesn't change at all)
You know, I thought there was some irony as I sat with her and her roomates watching a Sex in the City episode (ugh, yes), and it was a scene where Sarah Jessica Parker meets this guy and she falls in love and they go back to her apartment and they're on the steps--and she goes for a cigarette, and once he realizes she's a smoker, he's like "I'm sorry, I can't do this, I just don't date smokers, it's a personal rule with me". So she tried to stop smoking for a few days, and as they were out, she could only think about getting back to the house so she could smoke--and she had a bit of introspection and said "I can't believe I was doing this, I was about to pass off this wonderful man and possible future for a single cigarette." She obsessed with the addiction and then eventually lit up.
As I was sitting with my girlfriend, I wondered if she saw the parallels that I did...
e
e
separating is certainly an option for me, honestly, though I'd like to work with her before it gets to that point.
I think it's pretty clear it's not going anywhere good, which is why I'd like to be of some help to her.
Right now I'm not going to consider separating an option, as in, not for the next few months. I am however, very capable of breaking up with her were I to need to. I've never dated a smoker or drinker honestly--but beneath it all she's a good person that I like. So I'll give it a shot for a while.
"I hope that you seek support for yourself in dealing with this situation."
that's why I'm here.
Just looking for some advice, (other than to separate, which will undoubtedly happen within 3-4 months if she doesn't change at all)You know, I thought there was some irony as I sat with her and her roomates watching a Sex in the City episode (ugh, yes), and it was a scene where Sarah Jessica Parker meets this guy and she falls in love and they go back to her apartment and they're on the steps--and she goes for a cigarette, and once he realizes she's a smoker, he's like "I'm sorry, I can't do this, I just don't date smokers, it's a personal rule with me". So she tried to stop smoking for a few days, and as they were out, she could only think about getting back to the house so she could smoke--and she had a bit of introspection and said "I can't believe I was doing this, I was about to pass off this wonderful man and possible future for a single cigarette." She obsessed with the addiction and then eventually lit up.
As I was sitting with my girlfriend, I wondered if she saw the parallels that I did...
e
e
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