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Day 2, again Well I slipped...I thought this last time of quitting was going to be different, but alas, I "fell off the wagon" again. I was feeling pretty good with myself. My husband had been hunting and it has been just my son and I. I wasnt drinking. Just busy with school. But then Mid october, we went out with another couple...I didnt get drunk, but I had a few beers and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Trying to nurse my beer so I wouldnt be sucking 'em down. The night was hell, I should have just not drank at all. Then it was back to hunting and no drinking for me. I didnt miss it at all. Then the night before thanksgiving we went out again, my husband and I. It was a friends birthday and I went overboard. The binge drinking alcoholic took over. There were shots of I dont know what everywhere. Endless supply of beer. I dont know who was buying all the alcohol..wasnt me. All my will power to not drink left before I got in the car to go out...its easy to blame it on the day I was having since it was a pretty crappy day. So I got soooo drunk that my husband said around 1130 pm he actually took a beer away from me and I guess I got pretty pissed at him and that started my pissy attitude the rest of the night. I dont remember. He asked me what I was talking to some girl about a friend of his about..dont know, dont remember. Dont remember leaving. I have the "snapshots" of certain things. I do remember laying in bed with my husband and he was mad at me hollerin' at me about how I treated him and I was trying to pass out. So of course I have the complete guilt and being ashamed of how I acted...made worse by not remembering how I acted..only being able to take my husbands word on it. Ive usually been a happy drunk. So that night surprised me. My husband and I made up, sort of. I cant help feeling bad for how he says I treated him. He says to me, why cant u just slow down?! oh gee...i dont know..maybe cuz im an ALCOHOLIC!!!! He says that he is one too but he can control it when need be and I said well then ur not really an alcoholic. I cant just turn it on and off when I want to. I wish I could! THen I could be like my friends and go to the bar and only have a few beers and be fine and have fun. I have to have them all or none. Oh new years eve, trying to be sober, that will be fun. Anyways...day 2...again...at least I wont quit trying to quit. |
Hi, The negative emotions involved with relapsing can be overwhelming. So, try to stay focused on your recovery. For me, it was crucial to stay away from alcohol and anything involving alcohol for quite a long time into my recovery. I know there are hard choices to make, but recovery is worth it. |
Fiona630, You are talking my language! Could'a, should'a, would'a.... Why is it all or nothing.... "I can't remember doing that, saying that ......" Try not to hammer yourself today! :a043: I'm guessing this is not "new NEWS" for you with your drinking???.... You can't change the yesterdays. We have an opportunity at today and if we are lucky enough - tomorrow. You recognize what's going on with you and additionally your husband. You're in a good place. Build up support for yourself because we really aren't like the "others" out there and can make partying fun without the consequences anymore. New Years.... ??? Let's try to stick to today cuz tomorrow is a long way off for us! My encouragement is heartfelt! :Val004: |
At least you are back now. I find comfort in the fact that everyone is here, trying together. Big hugs :) |
The negative emotions are surely bad today. Last time I quit I didnt feel this emotional, but every time I have tried to quit I felt different, emotionally. Its not bad like I want to have a drink..just depressing...I guess. I dont want to blow up at anyone so Im trying to just keep to myself but thats hard to do with my son home with me and the husband off hunting again. All the pissed off feelings of the past few months seem to be piled up on my shoulders today. So I went and got a few movies and think I will order some pizza in a little bit. Bought a few different flavors of some herbal tea...and thats how I will roll tonight! lolol And that all or nothing thing...why is that? Why do we have to be cursed with that? We surely never asked to have this problem. I so wish I could be "normal" and have 4 beers within an entire evening at the bar and be good. I used to just go to the bar to dance..had a few beers here and there..but as I got older that seemed to have slipped from me. But I do know that I can party without drinking..I have done it and I did still have fun. I felt great the next day when everyone else had hangovers. I was proud of myself cuz I REMEMBERED every thing that no one else could! lol So it can be done and it will be. Thanks all! |
Fiona - The guilt after drinking can be crippling but try to be good to yourself. We have all relapsed before and all you can do at this point is figure out how to not let it happen again. My last drunk was so shameful that thinking back on it makes me not want to drink. Without going into details, it was a terrible night. In addition I have to stay in the day and when I have a craving I pray and come here to SR. |
I wish you tremendous strength and peace at this difficult time. Forgiving yourself has got to be one of the most difficult things to do. Time helps. I want to share something. Yesterday I believed I could have one beer or one glass of wine and stop at that. Can you believe how prideful and dangerous that was??? I think part of what gives me that sense of false pride and false thinking is it is not always about the quantity I drank or could drink. I believe that my problem is about the fiercely complicated relationship that I have with alcohol...how I think about it. I do know that I could set a limit and stop at that limit. I'd done it many times. Hell, I'd stopped drinking completely while pregnant and wanted to fool myself into thinking that if I could do that, I was not an alcoholic. Similarly, I thought yesterday for a fleeting moment that I could set the limit and have one, stop at that, and be OK. I have got to learn that that is a huge part of my problem....how I THINK about the drink. And I always hated the limitations and would work to create situations in which I could drink myself into obliteration. Didn't matter if I had one or twenty one. I didn't have alcohol. Alcohol had me. Again, the best to you! I love the Celestial Seasonings fruit flavored tea and am going to start a pot about now!!! |
Liberty, Forgiving oneself is very hard. I am my worst enemy and biggest critic. At one point I had thought if I switched to drinking wine instead of beer that my drinking would be fine. What I found out is that alcohol is alcohol no matter what form. Alcohol does have a hold of me, thats for sure. I too would come up with a reason to get drunk off my butt. A year ago, putting up the christmas tree would be a reason to get drunk..lets celebrate! Instead I drank a cup of green tea while I cussed because I couldnt find plug A for the pre lit christmas tree and I had to ask my son..was it this stressful last year putting up the tree? oh my! Have you tried the sleepytime tea by celestial seasonings? Very good. Doesnt really make me sleepy, but does relax me a bit. |
Just a couple days ago I felt I would drown in those depressing feelings all day. Like I'd never again see sunshine or be able to smile, Ouch! -- It seemed it would kill me and last forever if I didn't die first. It passed, thank God!! It will for you too. If my magic wand worked, I'd be able to ensure it right now for the both of us! Hang in there. It's all up and down from here -- those things we are experiencing I guess are feelings. New to me these days! Keep posting and getting it out! Thank you!!!! :Val004: |
Originally Posted by Fiona630
(Post 2002731)
... Have you tried the sleepytime tea by celestial seasonings? Very good. Doesnt really make me sleepy, but does relax me a bit. I too am my own worst critic. That tendency seems very commonplace on these boards. What I also find common here is forgiveness, compassion and understanding. Maybe we give to others what we wish we wish we could give ourselves more freely. And then, maybe I ought to just speak for myself~ Alcohol will always have power over me too, sadly. I accept that. And I will stay sober today. I can do this today~ I have a feeling I am in good company! |
Hey Fiona, Hang in there!! You CAN do this!! The two things that came to mind when reading your posts are: People, Places & Things - For the first 6 months of my sobriety I had to basically change my entire life, no more going out with friends, no more social gatherings, staying away from drinking family, parties, etc.. you get the picture! I had to focus totally on my sobriety! I am so thankful for this now because I can go to places where people are drinking and not be all freaked out by it! Of course, I still have a problem when people are drinking to excess such as yesterday with my brother and nephew...but I did what I have learned to do....I left early! Honesty - I think the first step for me was being honest with myself that I couldn't drink like other people. I am an Alcoholic and can never drink again!!! I had to really accept that and believe it! It sounds from your posts that you believe it too. Don't waste time on the what if's...what if I could drink like everyone else...what if I could stop at 1 or 2....you've already said you can't! I find my experience, strength & hope here and in the rooms of AA. I hope you too find yours! My thoughts and prayers are with you and wish you sobriety and peace! Keep coming back, keep posting...we are all here for you!! Lisa :) :ghug3 |
And that all or nothing thing...why is that? Why do we have to be cursed with that? We surely never asked to have this problem. I so wish I could be "normal" and have 4 beers within an entire evening at the bar and be good. I used to just go to the bar to dance..had a few beers here and there..but as I got older that seemed to have slipped from me. But I do know that I can party without drinking..I have done it and I did still have fun. I felt great the next day when everyone else had hangovers. I was proud of myself cuz I REMEMBERED every thing that no one else could! lol So it can be done and it will be. Thanks all![/QUOTE] I don't know why it has to be that way, "all or nothing". I have always been this way though. I drink to get drunk, not a buzz! If I only have 6 or 7 beers in the fridge, then why bother? I need atleast a 12 pk for a real good buzz, 18 to pass out and not remember anything. But I too wake up and wonder why the heck did I do those things that I barely remember, or have my husband being pissed at me all day when I have a hangover and can't remember for the life of me WHY he is pissed. He has been with me for over 20 yrs and knows how I get when I drink. He should not be upset with me. I guess I'm still in denial because I think some of it is his fault, for supplying the beer. He should not have bought me that extra 6 pk after I already had 12. He should have taken me home and put me to bed sooner before I made a fool of myself and him. He should have never allowed me to even have one. I blame him for 50% of my problem because I have to tell you. I am 37 yrs old and have been drinking since I can't remember. I have been with him since I was 16 and I bet that I have NOT purchased alcohol more than 10 times since I was 21. But somehow I manage to drink atleast 5 to 6 times a week and get so drunk that I pass out and don't remember. I have told him more than once that I want to stop drinking, but yet, another 12 pk ends up in my fridge mysteriously!!!!!!! Sorry, I got wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy off topic here. My point was that you have experienced having a good time with out be wasted and I truly would like to try that. To go out, have a good time without drinking and wake up feeling great and remembering the entire night. I hope that some day I can say the same thing............... |
Timetowakeup, I hear ya about if there is only 6 or 7 beers in the fridge..that's a teaser..i have to either go get more before I start or dont bother..ive been trying to not bother...lol. I have blamed my husband before too. Have told him that I wanted to quit and felt like I didnt get his full support. But I would tell him I quit and 2 days later Im asking him if he wants to have a beer. So, maybe he feels Im not serious enough..story of my life...I start and dont finish a lot of things. He has said in the past if Im serious then he wont buy beer and keep it in the house and if it makes me uncomfortable, he wont drink at the house until Im ready to be around it. But in the long run its up to me to be serious enough about it to say no, no more, I need/have to stay sober. I dont want pancreatitis again. Soooooo tired of the guilt and shame after a night of boozing. I turn into someone I do not like while drinking. Really tired of looks and comments by "friends" when we go out and they see Im drinking...snide comments...how many is she going to drink tonight? bring the credit card, she drinks like a fish...they think its funny. A friend compared his wifes drinking one night to my usual drinking and she was so mad at him, told him that she would never drink like I do..then she says..oops, sorry u heard that...w/e. It is what it is and I am who I am..Im trying to change it day by day. I agree with Lisa t...I think its best to stay away from it for awhile when u first quit. I didnt stay away and I ended up drinking...but everyone is different. |
I had to make changes in my lifestyle to fnally quit. I stopped working in and going to bars. I started to attend AA. Hope you find your way...recovery rocks! :yup: Blessings to you and your family |
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