Aysha

Ok..Another rant...whine..whatever.

I just need to vent.

I am doing everything I am suppose to. Being very tolerant and very patient with EVERYTHING.
And it is hard as hell some days. I literally have to stay on top of it every minuts of the day sometimes.
I will be the first to admit. I am spoiled..I am use to getting what I want when I want it. I am a hot head with a very short fuse. I am use to just not giving a sh!t.
I have been working very very hard at changing that about myself. Because it isnt cute. It isnt who I want to be.
I mean from me getting aggravated about the littlest things..to my mouth..And I have a slick mouth sometimes. To being patient with time and life. Watching what I say. How I feel ..Just everything that is incorporated into this new attitude I want to have.
I guess I am trying to remold my character. I dont want to change who I am. Just how I think and perceive things.
I am me underneath it all. But I dont have to act like a child or a B**** when things dont go my way.
I am trying to stay positive.
And for the most part is paying off. And my stress levels have gone way down.
I am so aware of myself lately and I like I am seeing.
Even my grams told me she sees a big change in me.

BUT...Things that I am trying to do..to better my life. I get so close and then its like a brick wall.

What brought this on is the procedure I have been talking about.
I am going throuhg the motions. Really educating myself with it. Going to the support groups and doing everything they are asking of me. And the screening for this is brutal. I went to see their pdoc last week. And he told me I have to quit smoking. OK..I can deal with that. I have been wanting to do it anyway. He just sealed the deal. So now I have to and chances are I will because I HAVE TO.
But now he has told the surgeon that I need to see a pdoc regularly before he approve me. Because of what I did to muself last year.
Ok..I know. Yea..It was a very serious thing I did. And I honestly dont know why I am still even here. But its not like I thought those things before then. It was a freak thing and I dont even remember it.
I dont feel that way now and havent since.
I just dont want to be told I have to be put on meds and have this pdoc start picking my brain telling me I have "underlying" issues when I know thats not the case.
Stirring the pot makes it worse for me. And thats when I get upset and do stupid things. I have no resentments. I have no problems with letting go and forgiveness.
So what is the point of this? Its been over a year and a half since I did that. It isnt even an issue to me anymore.
I dont know what I am getting at.
I just know..I dont want to take meds. I dont want someone making me dig up old bones when I have layed them to rest long ago.
I just dont get why all this matters for a procedure that will greatly improve my health and make me feel better about myself.

AND..My old boss emails me the other day talkign about "Do I want a job?"
The one who saved my job 4 times 2 yrs ago. And got me that big great job I screwed up last year. I burned him so many times. But for some reason he has faith in me. And now he wants to bring me on board with him.
Thats awesome. I would love nothing better.

But its so up in the air right now.

My bills are stacking up again. Because I am only getting 20 hrs at work.
Christmas is coming up. I cant buy anything for anyone. I cant even pay my bills on time.

I was thinking the other day I was grateful for not having extra money. Because it allowed me to do what I had to do and not get into trouble. Money is my demon for screwing up.

And I was ok with that. But now..I am like. I am barely payiong my bills. And I cant just get by. I need to get ahead.
What happens if my van breaks down? Or I need some money for something at the spur of the moment?

I am stressing again. And I dont have to. But its building.

And I am still going to do what I ahve to do. And go through these hoops for that surgeon. And go to work and come home and be broke and just keep doing what I have been.

Because..Thats all I really can do. And I cant give up now. I cant get all crazy and frustrated.

I just need some relief. I wish something would give.

I am very lucky to be where I am right now. Not only in life..But mentally and emotionally.

I dont want to back slide there.

I like who I am becoming. Which is a responsible...calm..positive person.
Never in a million years would I have thought I could be this way.
I still have so much work to do. And like I said. Some days I want to kick down walls. but I catch myself and do what it takes to bring those levels of aggravation down.

Oh and right now especially. 4 kids going nuts..fighting and crying and my grams is buggin out there. They thing their funny and talking back. I am locked in my room. LOL..
I will go out in a little while and help her. But right now. I cant be around it or I will lose it.

I cant help but believe everything will work out eventually. I eman they always do for the most part.
But just some things that I am working so hard for and they are right there in reach and yet so far.
I Just wonder how long and how much ot takes to get there.

I guess this is a good lesson for myself.
OK..I know it is.

But DAM...I have been good and doing alot of improving. Can I get something here?

Ok done..Thinking out loud. Thanks for reading if you lasted to the end. LOL...

More for a blog this thread..But I need feed back. And not everyone reads blogs.
Thanks.

And I wan tto add..that this time of the year..Just like with alot of people is hard for me. Not just because of the holidays. But because My baby would have been born on Dec 4th 1996. I lost that pregnancy at 5 mos. I was shattered. It messed me up for a very very long time. They would have been 12 yrs old this yr. I dont have any kids and cant have any from what my gyno says. Also my mothers bday is Dec 29th. She has been missing since I was 5. I really go on self destruct this time of the year. This will be the first year in so long that I have been clean.
I am so happy for that. I never think about those things and go crazy egtting high. It just always seems to happen that way without relizing it I guess.

Its going to be a very hard couple months.

But I will be ok. I know I will.

With the help of my family and all of you here. I couldnt be more blessed.
And I know thats all I need to be worrying about. Cause thats all that matters really. In the end...Its all I need.

Astro

Wow, that was long. Damn.

I was thinking about you yesterday Trish, and what crossed my mind was that you hadn't slipped in a long time. You were taking suggestions, posting, doing the right things, being an inspiration, etc. etc. etc.

Isn't that progress? That's what I was noticing. Your recovery seems to be "sticking" this time.

Patience. My fiance finally convinced me that the saying "God never gives us more than we can handle" is B.S. But sometimes he pushes me a little past what I think are my limits, and what I learn from that is that I can probably handle more than I thought I could. When I feel like I'm being punished and I'm suffering, usually I'm going through a learning process, and I'm growing in my recovery.

Stay strong and keep growing chiy. You're an inspiration to many people on SR, newcomers and oldtimers alike.

Dee74

LOL just kidding

I don't have much to add to what Astro said, Trish - you are making progress.
(and I dunno whether I see everything as a God driven test, but I've never had anything I couldn't handle anyway - often it doesn't turn out like I wanted, but it always turns out)

One of the hardest lessons I have to learn is that the days of instant gratification, with my addiction, are gone.

I have to wait for things now, I have realised not everything is on my timetable.
I have to work for things and eat the odd sh*t sandwich and be places and do things I don't really want to be or do...

It's called being a responsible adult - and it sucks LOL. But it's also very very good.

hugs to ya - especially around this time
love ya Chiy
D

Astro

You oughta have that put on a t-shirt D! Words to live by for those in recovery.

Have a nice Thanksgiving Trish!

Celebration1994

Wow Those last statemets are so powerful. What hope I felt when I read them. Thank you very much. You are a miracle ((chiynita))

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I've had the same thoughts a LOT lately...been yelling "can I get a BREAK here??!?!?!?" And I just realized, while reading your post, I don't think I've actually GOTTEN a break, but somehow, I've gotten through, and you will, too. Or maybe it's not the break I would LIKE....like a vacation on the beach in FL?

Last week was awful...hormones were raging, I was broke, had too much to do, and just wanted to snap. This week, other than the hormones, same stuff, but I'm in a great mood. Don't have a clue as to why, but I'm holding onto it for dear life.

I like getting what I want, when I want it, too. It hasn't worked out, quite that way, in a long, long time, but darned if I don't keep trying. I'm stubborn as heck, and refuse to give up. Patience is NOT one of my virtues, but I'm being forced to learn it. I've decided to put all this to good...I'm using my stubbornness in a good way...I refuse to let all my consequences and struggles get me down. If my own mind, or someone else says "you really screwed up..you can't get ahead", I say "watch me..it may take a while, but I'll do it".

Think about it, Trish..every day we stay clean and remember to be grateful....that is HUGE. Every time you come here and talk about what you're feeling, you are making some major steps forward! You USED to keep it all inside, disappear, use, and come back, hating yourself. Now, you're asking for advice, talking about what's going on inside that head of yours, and looking for ways to feel better about yourself.

I can understand not wanting to go on meds and dig up stuff that is done and over with. There are some things I don't want to do in order to get my nursing license back. My dr. discussed it with me, and he told me to look at the big picture...how bad do Iwant my nursing license back...I really, really want it back. So, he told me "suck it up". Maybe we both have to "suck it up" to get what we really want in the long run?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

My daughter recently said something to be snotty along the lines of I get what I want. I wanted to say to her if what you mean by that is you got a huge addiction to heroin, you got the loss of trust from people who love you and you got 3 miserable years of living in one sleazy motel after another plus a mound of unpaid bills, then I guess you got what you wanted I didn't say that because that would have been pure sarcasm and my daughter is clean right now and doesn't need that. But I sure said it inside my head. So maybe you could start thinking that when you got what you thought you wanted you ended up using. Now if you start to think that God will give you what you need then maybe it will be easier to stop worrying and just take things as they come. I hope that makes sense Trish. You are doing great and I hope you have the best, clean holidays ever. Hugs, Marle

Aysha

That makes perfect sense.
Like when I was thinking I was grateful for not having extra money. I have just enough to put enough gas for the week to get to work. Just enough to pay the bare minimum of the bills.
Lets just say I have exactly what I NEED.
And once in awhile..Enough for a treat. Like chinese take out or somethin like that.
So I cant not be grateful. *I know bad grammar*
And when I was thinking I have just want I need. I was like..Its suppose to be this way for now. And thats a good thing.

I would just like to have this procedure done. I have been waiting a year for it. And now it looks like longer.
But I dont NEED it that bad.

I will keep moving in the right direction. And what happens I find..Is that eventually things work out better and differently than imagined.
Thx guys.

And if you all are wondering what "The procedure" is...Its the lapband.
It will improve my health so much. I am pushing 300 lbs and it is wearing on my knees..feet and back.
I weighed 110 all my life until 1996. Lost the baby. Gained about 50 lbs. And then shot right up there over the past 7 or 8 yrs. Its alot of weight in such a short time.
And not to mention how much better I will feel about myself. I dont want to be 110 again. Just under 200.
I dont want to develope heart problems and diabetes.
Alot of people are so against these types of procedures. But it may very well save my life. Why work so hard to get clean if I am going to drop dead from being over weight?

adore79

I hope the job opportunity works out, that would be a great change. I'm happy to see you progressing in recovery. Happy holidays. :ghug3