Mark75

Is the sadness and lack of motivation, on some, but not all days, because of shame?

I'm 51, still have my home, beautiful and supportive wife and four kids, my job and thank God, my health. I am 72 days sober after drinking and drugging since I was 11 yo, and daily heavy drinking for the last 4-5 years.

I was the beneficiary of an intervention, not like those you see on TV. Not quite an arrest, but close. I would not be sober now if it had not happened. I went to rehab for 8 weeks soon after, something that was not even in the universe of possibilities I had, at that time, considered as necessary. But the intervention and rehab is why I still have everything in my life that I am so grateful for. I believe, absolutely, God saved me. I am home and back to work a little more than 2 weeks.

So why do I feel sad a lot of the time? I mean, what do I have to complain about ???

Lot's of times, though getting better, I feel unworthy to participate in life, ie shop, ride bike, plan a ski trip, etc. With thanksgiving approaching and the day to be spent with 2 of my wife's siblings (and their families) - all non alcoholics and very successful, and there will be plenty of fine wines and martinis served at my brother-in-law's - My wife and I do have a plan for that day - agreed leaving time, maybe take two cars (not practical but maybe necessary), list of AA meetings in the neighborhood, walking shoes...

Why do I get that lonely feeling, that I am different, not the man I was... I am reasonably successful in my own right (except when it comes to my relationship to pills and alcohol) and fiercely proud of my children.

Why do I feel like I am the bad boy at school who has to stand in the corner and can't do what all the good kids can?

Am I not grateful enough for the divine intervention that lead to the intervention and rehab, not jail? That I am sober because of that intervention? Do I feel that somehow I was punished instead of rescued? AM I ASHAMED?

I go to meetings and plan on making 90 in 90 days... I am working on my fourth step, don't have a sponsor yet, but have a couple of people in mind to ask. I pray, meditate and my wife has been amazing and as supportive as any spouse could after years of living with an AH. But I am having motivation problems...I used to bicycle and exercise ALOT and am having trouble getting into any kind of routine at present. I don't play my guitar.

Please share experience, strength and hope so I can begin to understand and learn to diminish this feeling, this shame (?)...

Mark

nickishine

We've all come from different places yet all deal with some of those major issues, feelings I believe anyway.

When I've had some time before, wondered why I didn't feel what should feel "normal". I felt like I should be "well & wonderful". Not so, from what I've learned. Give "time - TIME". I think that's my new motto now as what I may be feeling right here and now I probably won't be feeling in a day, week, month, year from now. When AA says "this to shall pass"... it just may. Shame & guilt are incredibily debilitating emotions. I'm just glad those who have gone before me and are with me now, relate!

You are not alone! Best to you!
Nicki

Astro

Holy smokes Mark, that's a lot of gifts to have as a result of 72 days of recovery. Keep reading the posts on SR and keep your ears open at AA meetings, you'll hear stories of people in recovery who lost everything as a result of their disease, it took years of recovery for them to get their lives back in order.

Part of my program of recovery is taking time every day, even if it's just a few minutes, to be thankful and grateful for the smallest of things that I have in my life. It helps to make my big complaints seem very small or even meaningless.

You're not alone in these feelings Mark. I can relate to so much of what you've shared. Keep going to those meetings and find a sponsor, one who will walk with you on your journey through the Steps. Self-sponsorship never worked very well for me.

As I continued through the 12 Steps I found that my shame slowly diminished, the Promises came true, I learned to love myself and be proud of the person I was becoming in recovery. It's a neverending process for me. There are days when I'll be walking along thinking that everything's fine, then all of a sudden something triggers a memory and my past bites me in the @ss. But the programs of AA (and CoDA) have given me the tools to free myself from the bondage of the past and to have a spiritually full life.

What you're going though sounds perfectly normal Mark. Be patient, work the program, and you'll receive the gifts of recovery.

Astro

BTW Mark, in early sobriety I couldn't focus on doing much of anything. All my hobbies had to be put on the back burner while I worked on my recovery.

Now that I've got a little sober time under my belt I can barely find the time to fit all the activities in. Bicycling, motorcycling, cooking, stargazing, reading, hiking, fishing, camping, home improvement. You get the picture

Oh, and I try to be SuperDad and have a great relationship with my fiance too!

Give it time, those things will come back to you.

Dean62

Your not different that is for sure. I was on an emotional roller coaster in my early days of sobriety. Having a sponsor help you through the steps will help a lot with this. Keep in mind feelings of shame or guilt are from the past. You are sober today and doing the best you can. You have no reason for shame today.

Mark75

Thanx Astro. Boy I hate it when I get that bite in the ass - sometimes it can ruin a whole day, or two... But I'm learning that I'll be able to get over that as I continue my recovery.

I am very grateful and I have to make it a point to remember that always.

Mark

Mark75

Thanx Dean, Nickishine and Deerwalk. Nice to know you are all out there with your support...

Mark