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I feel so lost...

Old 11-24-2008, 03:11 PM
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I feel so lost...

I am probably posting in the wrong place, I am very sorry.
My husband has a drinking problem. It's like this horrible cycle. He stays out until 11 or 12 and gets drunk; he stays home the next night, but doesn't move from the couch. This makes me angry, and I am not nice to him when he is home, so the next night he goes and gets drunk. And it repeats over and over and over. We used to party together. We used to talk. We used to have so much in common. Now we have a 3 year old, and I don't feel like I can have one drink at all without being a hypocrite. I don't have a problem with drinking. But I don't even want to drink because of what it is doing to my husband, my marriage, my self-confidence, my daughter, our future. I have told him that I feel neglected. He went and got drunk. I told him that we needed to talk; he went camping and got drunk, went to a football game and got drunk, etc. Am i making him drink? Am I making him choose alcohol over me and our daughter? I feel like this is my fault. All of it. Is our life so awful that he feels like he HAS to drink? I have tried to lay down some rules, but all that does it make him retaliatory. And then I get hurt more. He gets so mean. He took my cell phone, password protected the computer at home, he leaves with our only car seat. I used to be so strong and confident. My friends don't even call anymore because I can never keep our plans as I don't know if he is coming home or not, or how drunk he will be when he gets there. I feel so cheated, and well, just plain lost. How did I get here? It's like I woke up one morning, and I am "that" girl. How did this happen? I'm that girl that people feel sorry for, and I don't know how that happened. I am not financially able to leave, and being a child of divorce, I do not want that for my daughter. I just don't know how to get through to him. I don't know what I am supposed to do, and I certainly do not know how to fix this. I just don't know what to do... I know that I am not alone in the way that I feel, but I am alone in this marriage. I just want to be able to fix this so badly.
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:17 PM
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Jenny,
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Make sure that you go post in the Friends and Family area.
There are some amazing women here that have been through what you are going through!
Welcome!!
By the way,
You did NOT cause it
You can NOT control it
And you can NOT cure it
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:20 PM
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Welcome Jenny and what TTOSBT said very well. Glad you came here and pray you get what you and your daughter need. Its horrible to feel so helpless. You aren't alone.
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by jennygirl73 View Post
Am i making him drink? Am I making him choose alcohol over me and our daughter? I feel like this is my fault.
Nope .. His drinking is not your fault. He drinks because he wants too. Not because you don't want him too. It sounds to me like he is an alcoholic. Does he see any problem at all with his drinking?

Welcome to SR ..

Andy
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:31 PM
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Jenny, Very sorry you are going through so much turmoil now. I hate to see children suffer. There is alot of support here...so keep posting. I am an alcoholic, but I am also in a marraige with a very controlling, abusive man..he doesn't drink, but he sets the rules and i have to follow,,he has even told me at times that I need to listen and do what he says..
Have you thought of al-anon? If you could get to meetings you would find people who you can connect with..and a whole lotta support. I pray things get better foryou..take care of you and your little girl...you didn't cause this ,and only he can change his behavior....you can only take care of you and your child..god bless.
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:55 PM
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Jenny.....listen to what has been said so far. This is NOT your fault on ANY level. Your husband makes the choice of alcohol over your relationship each and every time he puts it above you and your daughter. Me being the drinker in my marriage helps me understand where the fault sits...and it is not with you. Those of us who drink know how to get what we want. When my spouse did not want me to drink or go out (even though I rarely went out) I could easily get an argument going which would then provide me the freedom to get out of the house and do what I wanted. If we were arguing she would not stop me from leaving.....job accomplished! I could then go drink and get my fix (this works whether I left or drank at home). Your current position is a VERY difficult one and I will not try to paint over that fact. You have a LOT of people here who went or are going through the same thing you are and could probably provide some better advice.

The one thing that did work for me is me! I tried many times for my wife, for my children to quit or at least get under control....it would eventually fail, always. The only way it can work is when the person with the problem is ready to realize they have a problem and make a change.

I wish you the best and hope this works out for you and yours.
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Old 11-25-2008, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by AW2486 View Post
Nope .. His drinking is not your fault. He drinks because he wants too. Not because you don't want him too. It sounds to me like he is an alcoholic. Does he see any problem at all with his drinking?

Welcome to SR ..

Andy
He knows that he drinks too much, and he binge drinks. He does not drink every day, but more like every other day. He quit completely for a month, but started again. I don't think that he thinks he is an alcoholic. I know that he is. Once he starts, he can't stop. How can I help him see that he has a problem, and how can I help him see that he is ruining his chance at a happy family?
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Old 11-25-2008, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Pam08 View Post
J
Have you thought of al-anon? If you could get to meetings you would find people who you can connect with..and a whole lotta support. I pray things get better foryou..take care of you and your little girl...you didn't cause this ,and only he can change his behavior....you can only take care of you and your child..god bless.
I am looking into the local al-anon meetings, but they all seem to be at 6 pm, or 8pm and I don't want him to know that I am going. It'll take some work, but I will find someone to watch my daughter so that I can go. Thank you for your kind words and support.

Everyone here has been so nice, it just makes me so sad that complete strangers can be so patient and kind and the man who was the love of my life is so hurtful and selfish.
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Old 11-25-2008, 08:56 AM
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His behavior and actions are not your fault...he is using you as an excuse to drink. The one thing I hear from al-anon is...You didn't cause...You can't control it..You can't cure it. You need to get connected with al-anon to find your path and they will help you. Praying for you and your wee one.
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Old 11-25-2008, 11:25 AM
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Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for caring. Really.
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Old 11-25-2008, 11:34 AM
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jenny,
I respect your choices but that (telling him you are going to an Alanon meeting) would be a sure fire way for him to know that even if HE doesn't think his drinking is a problem, you do and that you are going to do what you need to do for YOU.

It might spark a discussion but after the uncomfortableness, wouldn't that be for the best? I know that it would have made me think if my husband had sought out recovery for himself before I hit bottom. Something to think about....
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Old 11-25-2008, 12:27 PM
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Thanks for sharing and my heart goes out to you! Us drunks don't only hurt ourselves, but our children, family, friends the list goes on. Al-Anon is a great help for family members suffering from the alcoholics in their lives. My step-mom years ago started going (due to me mainly - my dad is not an alcoholic) and it was very liberating for her and she seemed to find herself again and create boundaries that gave her strength.

All the feelings you are going through and the reality of what you face day-to-day and not uncommon whatsoever. Just as us alcoholics can relate to one another on very deep and not so deep issues, there are those that you will be able to too! I encourage you to seek out support because you truly are not alone.

Sincerely,
Nicki
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Old 11-25-2008, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by jennygirl73 View Post
How can I help him see that he has a problem, and how can I help him see that he is ruining his chance at a happy family?
By not enabling his behavior. On your first post it sounds like your already laying down rules, and it makes him retaliate. This is were Al-Anon is helpful. You need the support of people that gone through what you are going through right now. For you own sanity.

He won't stop drinking until the pain and consequences reach a point where he has to, then hopefully he will want to. Until that time comes.. get support from close friends, family, and Al-Anon. You need not go through this alone.

Praying for you

Andy
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Old 11-25-2008, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by TTOSBT View Post
jenny,
I respect your choices but that (telling him you are going to an Alanon meeting) would be a sure fire way for him to know that even if HE doesn't think his drinking is a problem, you do and that you are going to do what you need to do for YOU.

It might spark a discussion but after the uncomfortableness, wouldn't that be for the best? I know that it would have made me think if my husband had sought out recovery for himself before I hit bottom. Something to think about....
Just reading your words scares me to death! I don't know if I could tell him, I don't know him well enough anymore to even begin to imagine how he would react. Trying to imagine what he would say brings tears to my eyes. Knowing that I am afraid to say something is making me bawl. Currently we avoid one another, unless our daughter is present, or it's absolutely necessary. But you are right, it definitely gives me alot to think about.

I just don't believe that he thinks there is anything wrong. He is apparently okay with the distance in our relationship. He is okay with the silence. He is okay with sleeping on the couch, he is okay with going a whole day and not seeing his beautiful daughter. He HAS to be or else he would be here trying to make this better!

I am trying not to have an excuse for why everything is too hard, or why I can't accomplish something. I know that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to, but getting over that fear is what cripples me. I have never been scared of everything all the time before, I just don't understand why this is so different. I am at the beginning of my journey here. I don't know yet where I want it to lead me. I don't have all the answers yet. I can honestly say that I am not even sure that I want him even if he sobered up this very moment and I had a guarantee that it would be permanent. I just feel lost in my own skin.
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Old 11-25-2008, 01:59 PM
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Aaahh jenny,
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I can feel your pain and confusion. But you are taking the first steps by coming here and talking about it. For that, be proud! Do you have to tell him? Can you just say you are going out and then if he asks whee, tell him? I know it all is easier said than done. BUT I think you will feel 100% better once you steps in an Alanon meeting and feel face to face that you are not alone. There is strength in numbers. You are worth it!!
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Old 11-25-2008, 02:16 PM
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Thank you so much for your kind words. You really do not know how much it means to me. I never thought I would be in this position, and I really appreciate your kindness.
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Old 11-25-2008, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by jennygirl73 View Post
Just reading your words scares me to death! I don't know if I could tell him, I don't know him well enough anymore to even begin to imagine how he would react. Trying to imagine what he would say brings tears to my eyes. Knowing that I am afraid to say something is making me bawl. Currently we avoid one another, unless our daughter is present, or it's absolutely necessary. But you are right, it definitely gives me alot to think about.

I just don't believe that he thinks there is anything wrong. He is apparently okay with the distance in our relationship. He is okay with the silence. He is okay with sleeping on the couch, he is okay with going a whole day and not seeing his beautiful daughter. He HAS to be or else he would be here trying to make this better!

I am trying not to have an excuse for why everything is too hard, or why I can't accomplish something. I know that I can accomplish anything that I put my mind to, but getting over that fear is what cripples me. I have never been scared of everything all the time before, I just don't understand why this is so different. I am at the beginning of my journey here. I don't know yet where I want it to lead me. I don't have all the answers yet. I can honestly say that I am not even sure that I want him even if he sobered up this very moment and I had a guarantee that it would be permanent. I just feel lost in my own skin.
I sympathise for your position, partly because I have been, in the past, your husband. I wasn't willing to listen to my partner and thought my drinking was acceptable, just a slong as I didn't do it all the time. I set the rules, she didn't. I hate to say this, but I think you have a difficult task ahead. If your husband is anywhere near as stubborn as I it will take something special for him to double take and sit back and realise who he is hurting. However, if he is, at his core, a kind hearted man then hopefully this will happen.

Please don't be agressive and don't dictate terms to him unless you feel its absolutely necessary. You need to somehow give him the message that you are considering leaving him without setting an ultimatum. I understand why you don't want a broken home, but your child will be better off in a single mum family than in an alcoholic family at the end of the day so you need to find a less obvious way of basically getting him to choose between the bottle3 and you guys. I'm sorry if I seem a bit a harsh, but I really hate to see you just carry on as things are.
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Old 11-25-2008, 03:28 PM
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Chupacabra,

Thank you so much for your insight. I am curious to know what your wake up call was? What made you listen to your partner? or did you? I just don't know how to get through to him, and I am scared that if I approach this badly from the start that I will fail.
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Old 11-25-2008, 04:21 PM
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I heard this from Charlie P .. of Joe & Charlie fame.

He said what helped him hit his bottom, His wife bought him tons of vodka and told him to drink until he was finished. He was a low bottom drunk, and by his own account close to death when she did that. May sound insane .. but it worked.

I think she was telling him .. she knew he needed to hit bottom and she helped him get there.
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Old 11-25-2008, 08:04 PM
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Of course he's happy in his drinking and lying on the couch the next day. As alcoholics, our best thought is of someone else taking care of things while we recover and lounge around. My advice would be to do what it is that you need to do for you. He can then decide whether or not he wants do what is necessary to be invited to tag along. Not an ultimatum, just re-establishing forward motion.
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