Bamboozle

I guess I’m feeling a little guilty…I broke my sobriety of one week and drank yesterday. I needed to give myself a good scare again. Cross your fingers for me people. I’m crossing my fingers for you, too.

I'm a little stunned right now...

Just finished watching some clips about "Lawrence" from the Intervention series by A&E (even though I don't like the show because I think it exploits the people shown...but that’s for another post…[maybe]…). Thanks to whoever posted the link (crap, now I don’t know where it is…lost it!).

Anywho, it was hard to watch. I decided to do a little math and compare my worst with what they thought he was drinking on a daily basis. I was surprised with the numbers I got. Now, my math may be wrong (it certainly wasn’t my best subject), but I figured that drinking 1.5 liters of booze at 40% is only slightly higher in total alcohol content than 5 liters of wine at 11%. At my worst, I was fluctuating anywhere from 2.5-5 liters of wine a day. Ouch.

I still remember the mess my old apartment was…there were always several empty boxes thrown anywhere and everywhere. I used to laugh about it. And I used to think I was getting a good deal at the grocery store with boxed wine. Hmm…5 liters for 12 bucks American…sort of like going for the “all you can drink” special. I think that if I hadn't moved when I did I’d be dead now. I still have a long way to go towards recovery, but at least I’m not as bad-off as I was.

I know some of you are wondering when I'm finally going to quit. I'm hanging on and not giving up. Just keeping myself honest with this post...and giving sobriety another try TODAY.


Disclaimer: The amount of alcohol consumed by the individual is not always a reliable measuring stick for determining if one has a drinking problem. This post is merely a reflection of my experiences. Please don't think you're safe if you drink less.

stone

It is good to be honest and I know how you are feeling, I am sober only 5 days after a horrendous 5 day binge. I hope this was the last time for us both.

Bamboozle

Hi, stone! Good to hear from you.

bumble2008123

glad you got back to it.

bugsworth

Morning Bam...your post leaves me puzzled...maybe it's my quirky thinking. IMO you should worry less about how much you use to drink and more about remaining committed to sobriety. I hope for your sake you did give yourself that scare you said you needed. Relapse is not a part of recovery unless you accept it as such. Glad your here...glad your back on the horse.

Bamboozle

Bugs...


...The point is I'm probably not that far off from death. It is a sobering thought--therefore, it is very important for me to reflect upon--to remember where I was and where I could be headed AGAIN. To not reflect upon the damage done only gives me an excuse to drink again. Ignorance will kill me. Therefore, I must acknowledge what I've done (and dwell on it at times to keep me sober) in order to move on with my life. I don't know why I'm explaining this...Everyone takes different paths to sobriety and this is the road I'm on. I'm doing what's working for me. It would be naive of me to think that after 6 years of heavy drinking I would be able to solve this in a few months. It takes time to change behavior and mind set (that’s the way that I am). This post is my personal experience. It is here for others to read who may be going through something similar...my focus is exactly where it needs to be, in my opinion.

Relapse is a part of my recovery. It never occurred to me how much I drank--it never sunk in. This past year, it has been sinking in. I'm learning.

bugsworth

Bam...maybe I misunderstood your post. I thought you said you drank yesterday. I agree it is very important to remember where we have been but continuing to drink is not where we have been but where we are. Continuing to drink is not relapsing...it is drinking. Sorry to have sounded so harsh...indeed this is your journey.

Bamboozle

I did drink yesterday. I am sober today. My "slip" has in no way negated the personal efforts I've made to quit. That's a huge reason I'm not counting days anymore. Every time I did and then got drunk, I felt even more like a failure. I cannot do that to myself any longer. I've already put myself through enough.

When I hear things like "continuing to drink is not where we have been but where we are", it's a bit of a smack down. That is NOT where I am at. I am human. I am in no way perfect, but I'm not the mess I was one year ago. I know you mean well, Bugs, but give us newbies a little break. I feel that the ones who made it sometimes forget where they came from and how difficult this road is.

bugsworth

I am sorry you feel as though my statement was a "smack down" I prefer to call it a reality check. I will never forget where I came from...that is why I prefer not to sugar coat my response. You said you are "probably not that far off from death"...that is probably true...hence my reply. Count days... don't count days neither is an excuse to drink. I wish you well Bam.

Pam08

I had a few relapses, each were a one episode deal. I felt so horrible each time after, finally the last one, the worst one, I got scared for my life and my mind. I truly believe we have to hit our own rock bottom whatever that maybe. I feel that this time I have a different feeling. I do not want to drink again. AA is such a big help for me. I have gotten so much from AA and the people there. I pray everyday, I ask God to remove the obsession for alcohol, I pray for guidance, I say the serenity prayer. The obsession to drink has been lifted for now, it is so incredible. Now I can't say that it won't come back but for now I do not have it and haven't even when bad crap has happened in my life. I listen to people who have years and years of sobriety, I do what they tell me worked and continues to work for them...and so far it is working. I have along road ahead of me..but I know I am on the right path for the first time in my life.

TryingSoHard

Hi there, Bam. Big *hugs* for you this morning.

First of all, I'd just like to say good for you for being honest and accountable and taking a good hard look at your habits and their consequences. I do think it's wise for you to keep yourself in check and keep those "sobering thoughts" close by.

I also agree that a slip does not negate all the progress you've made over the past year, nor does it take away the sober days that you had under your belt. I personally am trying not to OBSESS over counting days, but I do like to know what that number is. It is a HUGE pressure though. Some days it feels like that number is just a big weight hanging over my head, waiting to drop down on top of me at any moment. So I can TOTALLY understand why you don't want to count days anymore.

I'm also pretty sure I've read before that booze is booze is booze... I think a 4 oz. glass of wine (or maybe 6 oz) is the same as a 1 1/2 oz. shot of liquor. So, I think in your math you were trying to "convert" or compare wine to liquor... Looks like it's about a 4:1 ratio (using the 6 oz glass of wine, since the math on that works out nicely) . So yeah, for purposes of your calculations, 5 liters of wine would be roughly equivalent to about 1 1/4 liters of liquor. The main point being... it's all bad.

I wish you the best. I really do. Hang in there, and keep posting.

Horselover

I did the box wine Bam. I went through a box in 3 nights. That's a lot of wine!! I was staying up later and later and drinking longer and longer as each day progressed. Glad to have stopped when I did. I do wish it was sooner, but glad its done. Glad you are done with drinking. Good to hear!

doorknob

Major positive vibes going out to Bam & Stone...

DK

Toomutch

Bam - Glad your back up on the horse and not kicking yourself too hard. Relapses happen... Do you have a different plan in mind? Just curious.

Hevyn

(Well, I could do a box in one day, H & be looking for more )
Bam, I've made it after over 25 yrs. & countless attempts. Like Pam, the last time I binged I feared for my life. I couldn't sleep because I'd be too shaky after only an hour without booze, also was afraid I wouldn't wake up, so terror brought me to where I am today.It didn't need to come to that. I also believe you have to have your own personal bottom. Mine was within my soul, I didn't need to end up living under a bridge or anything. I know you're going to get there, you have all the tools and the intelligence to do what has to be done. This is a tough season to get through for all of us.

Dean62

Thanks for your honesty and I am glad you are getting right back into sobriety. Part of your post sent up a red flag for me.
Life can get better for an alcoholic for short periods of time. It doesn't last if we keep drinking. I had my ups and downs during the years I was trying to get sober. The fact is if an alcoholic continues to drink it always gets worse never better.

Bugs was trying to help you without the sugar coating and so am I. So please understand no matter how it sounds or feels I want the best for you which means total abstinence from alcohol. Your looking at how much you drank compared to Lawrence. The reason he is dead is because of his denial. Long after I "admitted" I was an alcoholic I continued to drink because deep down inside I still thought I could. Denial kept me drinking for years. Denial kept me from moving past step one.

I really am pulling for you bamboozle.

desertdonna

Hey Bam,

Whatever it takes for you to get there, my friend. I just know for me it was finally a done deal. I think it was Bugs who said, "I know I have another drink in me, but I don't have another recovery."

That pretty much sums up my feelings for where I am.

Behind you 100%, Mr. Bam. Please stick close for the support.



Donna

Dee74

I also agree with others here that a 'slip' does not negate all the progress you've made over the past year, nor does it take away the sober days that you had under your belt (not that I use that method of validation)

But 'smack down'? Hardly.

Lets be serious Bam - drinking is drinking...every drink we have, whether its a sip or a box or three, contributes to the problem and keeps us down.

I haven't forgotten where I came from - I have reminders of where I came from here everyday - some weeks I'd do 'better', then worse, then better still, then very badly....

Simply? I wasn't in control - drinking was...even when I wasn't drinking.

I'm glad you're making progress...I've watched yr journey here.

But my real progress started the day I had my last drink. I may have taken years to get there, but it didn't take me months to do it.

I drank so much I didn't have that option - I felt then, and I still feel now, that it was quit - today - or die.

Where I stand today - with the benefit of some 19 months perspective - there's drinking...or not drinking....and you don't start to get better until you *stop* drinking Bam.

I do no one any favours to suggest otherwise.

D

IO Storm

Good luck and Welcome Back Bam!

You can do this. You didn't lose progress. You carry everything you learned before

inside you. On the flip side...the "disease" itself is progressive, and worsens even during

periods of abstinence. So, folks who pick up find they cannot control drinking..and drink

more than they did before, and a lot faster. I sure did. Tried "the experiment" many times.

Strange..cunning, baffling, and powerful !!

The answer is to stay sober.

One Day at a Time.

I'm with you Bam.

Bamboozle

I am being serious. This is not a joke.

Let’s not forget that everyone’s journey is not the same.

One year ago it never occurred to me that I should stop drinking. There was always a nagging doubt about what I was doing, but the realization was and is slow to set in for me.

My health has been slowly deteriorating over the years. Some of you were unfortunate enough to experience tragic consequences which led to a strong turning point. As of this writing, I have not had such a profound experience. I thought that at the beginning of the year I was ready enough to change my life...

I drank to self-medicate. Period. The only reason I finished school was because of alcohol. My identity was turned onto its head when I was in my second year. At the time I could not handle the realization that I am a lesbian. For two semesters in a row I ditched classes and gave up on school work. I withdrew both of those semesters to save my GPA. Of course it was the wrong way, but as soon as I picked up drinking to deal with my pain (and to forget), it was a crutch enough to get my sorry butt through school. I did well. I even managed to get a couple of scholarships. I should NEVER have received a degree. Well, now I have a degree and my life is a mess. I realized quite recently that most of my entire adult life was lived under the influence of alcohol.

I’m lost and I’m terribly alone. No friends and no romantic attachments now. This is not a pity party--this is where I am. It’s going to take a while for this insecure, sensitive, emotional human being to get her $h!t together. I am truly happy for the people who have it all figured out and have successfully conquered their demons. I am NOT where they are. As usual, I’m out in left field playing and dancing to my own song.

Peace out, peeps…and thanks to everyone who replied.