It Truly is a Good Morning
Breathing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Nola
Posts: 97
It Truly is a Good Morning
I'm new here. Day 16. (again).Insert eye roll.
It's got to work this time.
LSS, Yes I know I'm an alcoholic, I never truly doubted that, just thought I could control it, but after 3 years of serious self abuse in the aftermath of Katrina, My Mother in Law's cancer diagnosis and subsequent death, loss of a business, bankruptcy, and a host of other, some more serious events... It became more than apparent that Nope, The Bottle had Control.
The sneaking, the hiding, the emotional wreckage, the damage I have wrought on myself and others, I simply cannot do it anymore. My wonderful husband has been far more patient than anyone deserves, but he'd had it. So had my stepchildren, employees and friends. It was essentially, " I have an appt to have all the locks re keyed this afternoon, you either get help or get out" ( this is not the first time, not even close).
So... I was handed a one way ticket to my Mom's, he called the locksmith and cancelled. I detoxed for 4 hellish days ( done it before, God that sucks) On day 5 I went to my 1st meeting in 18 years. went to 4 meetings a week, walked 3 miles a day, and lo and behold I feel physically anyway, human.
I go back to New Orleans ( a fine place for an alcoholic to live, dontcha think?) Tomorrow. I am exceedingly grateful that there is a meeting at 7:15 every morning 4 blocks away from the restaurant we have there.
I have far to many wonderful things in my life to throw them away for something that I know will kill me.
Being at Mom's has in fact been an easier, gentler way. God Bless her. The hard part will begin tomorrow. I just pray that I didn't burn those bridges, That I can repair the damage and regain some level of trust that I really don't deserve. I hope to prove to myself first of all and to my husband, that I can get back to being me, a better me, god forbid , a PRODUCTIVE me. Not the drunken, falling down, breaking bones slug that I've been off and on for more than 3 years.
That Rabbithole just kept getting deeper and deeper. It's time to throw away the damned shovel and live my life above ground. I have a life to live, a business to run and people to feed. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to take it one day, sometimes one minute at a time.
It kills me that I hurt so many and let so many people down. That said, I'm working very hard at NOT wallowing in self loathing, it's there, but I'm trying desperately to focus on the task at hand and the positives I have in my life, and trying not to set myself up for yet another relapse. I get too damned over confident. Embrace the humble ( she said to herself).
I guess that's pretty much it for right now. I need to get organized for my flight home tomorrow morning.
Prior to this post, I have been reading and familarizing myself with this board, and I truly think that it is going to be a bit of a Godsend for those rough patches and times I can't get to a meeting.
Thanks for being here
It's got to work this time.
LSS, Yes I know I'm an alcoholic, I never truly doubted that, just thought I could control it, but after 3 years of serious self abuse in the aftermath of Katrina, My Mother in Law's cancer diagnosis and subsequent death, loss of a business, bankruptcy, and a host of other, some more serious events... It became more than apparent that Nope, The Bottle had Control.
The sneaking, the hiding, the emotional wreckage, the damage I have wrought on myself and others, I simply cannot do it anymore. My wonderful husband has been far more patient than anyone deserves, but he'd had it. So had my stepchildren, employees and friends. It was essentially, " I have an appt to have all the locks re keyed this afternoon, you either get help or get out" ( this is not the first time, not even close).
So... I was handed a one way ticket to my Mom's, he called the locksmith and cancelled. I detoxed for 4 hellish days ( done it before, God that sucks) On day 5 I went to my 1st meeting in 18 years. went to 4 meetings a week, walked 3 miles a day, and lo and behold I feel physically anyway, human.
I go back to New Orleans ( a fine place for an alcoholic to live, dontcha think?) Tomorrow. I am exceedingly grateful that there is a meeting at 7:15 every morning 4 blocks away from the restaurant we have there.
I have far to many wonderful things in my life to throw them away for something that I know will kill me.
Being at Mom's has in fact been an easier, gentler way. God Bless her. The hard part will begin tomorrow. I just pray that I didn't burn those bridges, That I can repair the damage and regain some level of trust that I really don't deserve. I hope to prove to myself first of all and to my husband, that I can get back to being me, a better me, god forbid , a PRODUCTIVE me. Not the drunken, falling down, breaking bones slug that I've been off and on for more than 3 years.
That Rabbithole just kept getting deeper and deeper. It's time to throw away the damned shovel and live my life above ground. I have a life to live, a business to run and people to feed. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to take it one day, sometimes one minute at a time.
It kills me that I hurt so many and let so many people down. That said, I'm working very hard at NOT wallowing in self loathing, it's there, but I'm trying desperately to focus on the task at hand and the positives I have in my life, and trying not to set myself up for yet another relapse. I get too damned over confident. Embrace the humble ( she said to herself).
I guess that's pretty much it for right now. I need to get organized for my flight home tomorrow morning.
Prior to this post, I have been reading and familarizing myself with this board, and I truly think that it is going to be a bit of a Godsend for those rough patches and times I can't get to a meeting.
Thanks for being here
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi Nola,
Welcome!
I think that guilt and shame associated with things I did and said while I was drinking, were a huge hurdle to overcome. In fact, the cycle of guilt/shame/drinking continued for quite a long time because I couldn't get past my emotions. The good news, is that there is a way out of addiction and you can do this!
I'm glad that you found us and that you are working on living a sober life. Stay focused on your recovery and keep reading and posting.
Welcome!
I think that guilt and shame associated with things I did and said while I was drinking, were a huge hurdle to overcome. In fact, the cycle of guilt/shame/drinking continued for quite a long time because I couldn't get past my emotions. The good news, is that there is a way out of addiction and you can do this!
I'm glad that you found us and that you are working on living a sober life. Stay focused on your recovery and keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Thank you for joining SR and thank you very much for sharing. You deserve a good life and don't let that addict voice convince you otherwise. You can do it hon and we will be here to cheer you on! Welcome to SR!!
Breathing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Nola
Posts: 97
Thank you all for the warm welcome. It'll definitely be difficult, Hell I'll be serving beer and wine and have all freakin kinds of access. That said, I also have a bunch of people I'll be able to ask to take a table or cover me in the kitchen, if I just need to get out of there and focus on sobriety.
I too am hoping this AA group nearest me is a good fit. If not there are alot of meetings around town, I'd just prefer to keep it close to home if possible. I'm grateful to have found SR. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this.
Admittedly I am scared of my stepkids, employees and friends reaction to me when I return to the land of the " living". I really don't like being a topic of conversation. I'm hoping at some point, the topic turns to " dang, she's doing great, it's amazing!" Instead of, " Oh Hell here it goes again".
I too am hoping this AA group nearest me is a good fit. If not there are alot of meetings around town, I'd just prefer to keep it close to home if possible. I'm grateful to have found SR. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this.
Admittedly I am scared of my stepkids, employees and friends reaction to me when I return to the land of the " living". I really don't like being a topic of conversation. I'm hoping at some point, the topic turns to " dang, she's doing great, it's amazing!" Instead of, " Oh Hell here it goes again".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 27
Admittedly I am scared of my stepkids, employees and friends reaction to me when I return to the land of the " living". I really don't like being a topic of conversation. I'm hoping at some point, the topic turns to " dang, she's doing great, it's amazing!" Instead of, " Oh Hell here it goes again".
I hear you there girl! I have heard that too many times myself. I try to remember that I myself am the only one that can determine that. You sound like you are certainly traveling down the right road now, key is to stay on it! Too many things out there to "pull" us in the wrong direction. I am new to this as well, so nice to hear from you.
I hear you there girl! I have heard that too many times myself. I try to remember that I myself am the only one that can determine that. You sound like you are certainly traveling down the right road now, key is to stay on it! Too many things out there to "pull" us in the wrong direction. I am new to this as well, so nice to hear from you.
Breathing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Nola
Posts: 97
Day 17. 4 hours and 49 minutes till my flight leaves.
God bless my husband. He went and got us a Motel room for tonight, so we could have some time together after not seeing each other in 18 days. ( His Daughter and her BF live in our den currently and work for us, and our 2nd in command in our kitchen lives in the loft upstairs, so there is not a whole lot of privacy at home) So this is going to give me a chance to ease back into it a little without the overwhelming blast of people/faces/voices/messes, etc. Just to be alone with him for 1 night is a big thing.
God bless my husband. He went and got us a Motel room for tonight, so we could have some time together after not seeing each other in 18 days. ( His Daughter and her BF live in our den currently and work for us, and our 2nd in command in our kitchen lives in the loft upstairs, so there is not a whole lot of privacy at home) So this is going to give me a chance to ease back into it a little without the overwhelming blast of people/faces/voices/messes, etc. Just to be alone with him for 1 night is a big thing.
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