Jackie36

I am having a terrible mental battle going on. I need some outside help to sort out what the heck is going on. I am not even sure if this should be posted here or not, but here goes.....

I am not a newcomer in the sense of sober recovery, but I am once again a newcomer to sobriety. I am coming up on 3 months, and its the best I have felt in years, and the strongest I started this journey 6 years ago, I have had about 4 years sober in that time, with wicked relapes in that time. The differnce this time, is I am IN THE PROGRAM physically and mentally, its absolutely wonderful.

Here is my agony. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 yrs. He was right there along with me in some terrible times, I mean, doing the same things I was doing, 24/7 drinking/drugging, we had about a 6 month spree. In that time he settled down and so did I. I have quit, and I am growing, mentally and spiritually. He still drinks a 12 pack + a day. Now he doesn't think he has a problem, cause he "never gets as bad as I did" I was absolutely wicked when I drank. Anyway, this is wearing on me, into depression. He has a fulltime job, and he does not get stupid, angry, nothing like that, doesn't black out, although forgetfull. In his eyes he doesn't have a problem. BUT, when we are together, all I get to see him do is drink. He goes to the liquor store and buys a 12 pack to put in his backpack, and drinks wherever we are. At the mall, into the bathroom he goes to drink, grocery shopping, into the bathroom to slam one. We even we to the hospital to see his uncle, into the bathroom to slam. Then of course, he has to pee all the time for the Gods sakes!! He says he has nothing but support for me, and is so proud of me, but is this support? And is this not nomral??? I am getting more and more disgusted by it, to the point of it driving me crazy!! I am growing resentful, and I am pulling away at the slightest touch from him. I do love him, I really do, but I am not liking this feeling I have. I am scared of the way I am feeling!! He is like a child, and I am his mother. I am working 4 jobs right now, he has one, I don't have a lot of time between jobs, meetings, and my daughter. He has a couple responsiblities during the week, that I have to keep reminding him to do! I hate this!!

Now here is the weird thing with me, I have not brought him up in my meetings at all! No one in my group even knows I have a SO. Why am I doing this? I feel like I am protecting him or something, but why??

I would really like some outside advice on this, and maybe someone reading this can see clearer than me. If this isn't the right place to post this, let me know. I have to work today, so I hope to have some good input from you all when I get home.

Thank you so much!
Jackie

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

We are attracted to what we are. And your SO wouldn't be the first to compare their drinking to someone elses. I feel for you, can't imagine how difficult it is to remain clean and sober while being around someone that drinks constantly.


I don't know you, can't see into your heart, but maybe you don't mention him because you're afraid of the advice that they might offer regarding the relationship? Stay away from wet people and places. Good Luck to you and keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Sugah

Do you go to open meetings? Perhaps if you invite him along, he might hear something that hits home for him.

But, ultimately, it's up to him to decide if his drinking is a problem. You can't really know what's going on inside him other than what he chooses to share (and if it's filtered through alcohol, well....), but most folks I know don't make the decision to stop until the Problem manifests in external circumstances. Most, but not all. I sponsor a woman who thought her DUI was no big deal, but eventually, it was the realization that she hadn't accomplished anything in her "5 year plan" that helped her make the decision to try sobriety.

If he chooses not to go to a meeting with you, then it's up to you how you want to live your life.

Congrats on three months!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Pelican

Is that real support? No.
Sounds like lip service to me.

I'm married to my drinking buddy of 14 years. I quit and he did not. However, he has cut way back. He may have had 2 beers over the last 5 days. He does not drink in the car while I am driving (no open container). He does not expect intimacy when he has had a few drinks. These were boundaries we discussed when I became sober. I don't nag him about his drinking and he does not put his drinking in my face.

From your post, you sound very frustrated with this relationship. Your love for him is the only positive note. Do you think you could communicate to him your need for physical support during your recovery?

What about your daughter? Is he a positive influence on your daughter? Is his drinking putting you and/or her at risk?

You have a full plate with work, your daughter and your sobriety. Your personal relationship will require effort from both partners.

I agree with Sugah: it is up to you how you want to live your life.

353

Hi Jackie36,

I never had a very high opinion of myself. Not really, I was always saddled with this huge amount of guilt. My life experience, things I did, things I saw other people do, the way I could never live up to this expectation I had of myself.

If I could find somebody to help relieve this guilt, I would say I loved that person. People in the program of AA sometimes refer to this as "taking hostages". If I could just find the right person to do and say the right things, to make me feel happy, I would be in love.

The only problem was nobody could do that for any extended period of time. At first romance, the hollywood version of love, would work well and during those periods I could semi-control my drinking and drugging. But soon the romance would begin to wear and this person that was once my source of love, the reason I felt good about myself, would fade and this person would become the source of my problems, or so I thought.

That's my experience with love....I don't really know what it is....but it's becoming apparent to me, the longer I stay sober and surround myself with sober people and think sober thoughts...love has nothing to do with how someone makes me feel. Love has more to do with knowing who I am and realizing what I have to give.

The only advice I have, if you're an alcoholic/addict...stay sober, whatever it takes, job/no job, boyfriend/no boyfreind...whatever it takes.

The answer to all your questions are within you, I believe that with all my being.

God's Peace

least

Whatever you do, do it for you, for your life and your sobriety. I live alone and drank alone so I have no idea how it must be for someone getting sober and living with someone who drinks a lot.

You cannot change him or his behavior, you can only change yourself. I wish you the best. Come here often for support and suggestions.

Hugs for you!

bumble2008123

If he is chugging beers in grocery store bathrooms I'd say he has a serious problem. Unfortunately as you know, he needs to realize that for himself. I guess it comes down to whether or not is healthy for you to remain in a relationship with someone who is abusing the very same substance from which you are trying so hard to abstain.

CarolD

Oh my...I can sooo relate....

My lover and I were together 5 years....
we met during the final years of my active alcoholism.

Our rlationship did not last once I quit drinking.
Why?
We had little in common...the new me and the old he.

I hated the way he smelled connstantly of beer.
I no longer hung out in bars and pool rooms.
He missed his drinking party girl.

Sooo...I broke up with him
He survived...I thrived...

I didn't mention Jim often to my sober friends either.
In retrospect ...probably because I knew he was not
going to be a person in my new life.
He was not a bad man.....just not what I wanted sober.

I'm not suggesting you choose what I did...but if
you do....it's certainly possible to live alone with joy.

Prayers for your peace and clarity

tommyk

I used to be sooooo in love with my past, and my 'visions' of the people in my past.

Jackie36

I have been in knots about this all day. This is the very first time I have "voiced" this to anyone. I have spent so much time and energy painting a better pictures to other.

Thank you so much for your replies, this is so very hard for me, but on the other hand a relief to let this out a little bit.

I am 41 yrs old, he is 40. We do not live together. I have one daughter, Danielle, love of my life, she will be 17 on Monday! We are living with my mom until I can get back on my feet financially. My SO and her do not really have any kind of relationship. She blamed him and hated him for what I was doing to myself for a long time. He has never pushed a relationship with her, its almost like I am having to live seperate lives. My family blames him also, plus some of my family chose to not have me in their lives because of the mess I was. I did get my daughter into couseling in January, and we are back on track. Very proud of that girl, always been a straight A student, and will not touch alcohol.

So he has 2 kids in another state, only a couple of family members, and ME. And WE have NO friends whatsoever!!! I am starting to make some in my homegroup tho.

Oh what a mess I feel like. I am scared to open this up, but I feel I am at my strongest right now, that I have to. He really is a great person, fun, and I know he loves me. But he has a problem, and its thrown in my face daily. I am growing and he is stagnent.

Thank you again, I welcome all opinions, outlooks I can get. Even tho the butterflies make me nervous to read them!!

Jackie

CarolD

I think the butterflies mean you are breaking out of a cocoon

barb dwyer

I agree with that up to a point.

You are growing.
That's the point.
You're seeing something that could not be seen from inside addiction.

Hon, that's a GOOD thing.

You ARE growing.

Now about the not telling the group about the SO and all that.
If you've got a sponsor - maybe that's where you shold begin.
I think if it's something that might endanger your own sobriety (which is what it's sounding like might be down the road) that's what sponsors are there for.

Nowhere in the AA setup does it require the spilling of guts and revealing of personal lives to groups.

I think the thing that repels so many people is that an alcoholic... witholds things in order to deceive. You can also discuss this with your sponsor, how appropriate it is to share that aspect and all that.

COngratualtions on staying sober with a SO who still drinks.

I couldn't do it.

Maybe you're just coming to a new event in sobriety and I honor that you asked ofr opinions from others before doing anything, and before it built to the point that you felt the need to drink.

Good for YOU!!!

thenawoman

You are being a codependent. Be true to yourself, and share about what is going on at home. Tlak to him when he is wanting to change and gert him to a jmeeting befoe hyou lose him forever. I have been around recovery for awhile and I am so very grateful to be alive.

Celebration1994

The hardest decision I ever had to make in my early recovery,(I got sober, my husband didn't), was...am I happy or building up resentments that will destroy my sober life. He continued drinking and I started to "out grow" his drinking, as I continued to be sober. We were together 25 years... and the drinking of his, my trying to hide his drinking from others, his needing to have a drink no matter where we were all started to drive me crazy. The decision I had to make was, is this what I need or want. I made the decision that no.. and we talked and nothing on his part changed. I finally had to make the decision to stay or leave him. I left him...and it was the most painful time of my life. But I survived and continued to stay sober, he continues to drink. I cried and loss sleep, I was lonely, depressed and scared, but I didn't die from a broken heart. It hurt and hurt for a year, and at times even now(after 14 years) it still does hurt a little...but I wanted to be happy, joyous and free from the bondage of alcohol. He was not helping me be that.

I am not saying to leave him....but do you want to spend your sober life going crazy over his drinking? Go to some al-anon meetings and ask them for help...they know the alcoholic quite well, and have a great program. They will help you live with the active drinker, if that is your choice, and still find your own way to living life happy, joyous and free.

Prayers going out to you

Jackie36

This has been to get this out, and thak YOU ALL for your feedback. Its comforting to know that I am not crazy, and this situation is not right. I was beginning to think I was the one wrong in wanting to have changes, that I was over reacting. I do feel soooo good, and sooo strong, I am starting to be happy with me! And the funny part is, once I feel that, I feel weird about it, cause being happy with ME is such a foreign feeling! lol If that makes sense.....

I know I have to have this talk, and I have to be prepared for the outcome. I think he would change, but the thing is, I need him to do it because he acknowleges HIS problem, not just for me. My plan is to keep posting here, getting more feedback, become stronger with what I need to do, and discuss it after the holidays. I will be working 68-72 hours a week the whole month of December, I don't want that added stress until after that. Maybe if I can get some more support and opinions for all of you, it will help my strength grow.

Thank you so much, you have know idea how good you all have made me feel

Jackie