CatWings

I am heading into week 3 and if I thought I was self-medicating when I was using, I am starting to feel like now I know why, though I have no desire to go back to using.

It's like the volume is suddenly turned up too loud. I am totally in my body, but I am not sure I am in my head. I feel like I constantly have a raging case of PMS or something. I'm getting things done, but I don't know how.

Sometimes I feel like I am just going to lose it though I am not sure what that means or how it will come out.

It probably goes without saying, but I just wanted to check in and maybe get some reassurance that it is not just me that is having a hard time with reality to the point where it is distressing.

Can a person except to feel half-insane and totally exposed on some level in the first so many weeks or sobriety?

How long does it last? Did you or do you notice it getting more "comfortable"?

I guess I have to be realistic and realize that I spent so many years stoned and it is not going to feel normal right away. I already had mental health problems to begin with and they seem almost harder to deal with now or at least more obvious.

Also, the things and people I was putting up with, I no longer want to to deal with as much and I feel a bit anti-social. I feel like my whole social orientation is shifting as well, I'm just not sure where.

Anyway, just doing a check in. I hope it is getting or got better for some of you. Would love to hear a story or two about how things were for a while and how long it took to feel like you had your bearings again.

Thanks!
Cat

TTOSBT

Hi Cat,
Okay, was going to bed, but you want a story, huh?
The first month I felt like I was in shock or something. I was completely scatter-brained and felt like I was floating half the time? lol. Seriously, I had a lot of trouble sleeping, felt jumpy, anxious, distracted, irritated, you name it.

Just be kind to yourself. Remember HALT
H ungry
A ngry
L onely
T ired

Do not allow yourself to get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired while you are gettng sober, or ever really. These are triggers for us and make how you are feeling worse! In my first month or two, one day I found myself very hungry in WalMart. My blood sugar dropped and I about took this clerk's head off! And wow, did I get an urge to drink right after that. Be kind to yourself. Get some extra sleep, try to avoid stressful situations, drink lots of water, eat healthy and get some exercise. It will help tremendously!

I joined the gym at about 45 days sober and working out has been great! Most importantly for me, I joined AA and I found a second home. I have balance in my life for the first time ever! I truly feel like I am learning how to live in physical, spirtual and mental balance. Now, I only have 6 1/2 months sober so I am still all over the place a lot of the time but life is pretty darn good most of the time. And I have been through some stuff. One being that I had to put my doggy down last week, now that was some life on life's terms. But today I have some tools and I am starting to learn how to handle situations that used to baffle us (paraphrase Big Book).

So, sorry, I will stop babbling BUT to answer your question, I took care of myself and felt a WHOLE lot better at around 60 days. It is SO worth it!

BackToSquareOne

The post acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) can last quite a while after you quit. It usually depends on the length of time and amount you were using. Anxiety, depression and insomnia are very common in the early weeks when you stop but usually subside over time. Do a google search of post acute withdrawal syndrome and see if you can relate. I've been there many times myself and it will get better over time.

mtnmagic

Hi CatWings

I could relate to your post. It is 38 days today for me. It is slowly changing and getting better. I can really only identify it by looking back and then comparing the first three weeks with now. The very first week was complete withdrawal. The physical stuff. Sweating, sick to my stomach, no sleep, huge anxiety bordering on terror and shaking both internal and external. I couldn't remember anything from one minute to another.

Second week I felt better physically but was weak and my mind just could not concentrate on anything at all. Felt numb and like I was going through the motions. Started to want to take care of myself, but honestly didn't have a clue how to. Began eating a little bit, taking vitamins and wanting
to venture out in the world.

Third week my emotions started to come back and they were all over the place too. Looking back I see it is getting better, but I can get angry in a flash, cry at the drop of a hat and still feel like an alien and completely detached from the world. I was sleeping better but totally fatigued all the time. I thought it might be because I just wasn't used to dealing with the
world stone cold sober.

Fourth week - Cravings that would come on strong started to lessen a wee bit. Would feel comfortable in work situations or around other people for a little while, yet that too could turn on a dime. My mind still felt like mush and
I would get very impatient that things were not getting better physically or mentally faster.

Fifth week - I noticed I was calmer. Still crazy mood swings, but am able to recognize, acknowledge and deal with them better. Cravings much less intense. I am putting myself out there more often. In other words feeling
more comfortable doing things like grocery shopping, doing errands, having
conversations with others. I have more of a positive attitude. Less doom and gloom. Less worry. Less feeling like I'm so different then others.

I attend AA on a daily basis. For me it is what has made the difference of being able to stay sober longer then I have in years. I need that structure
and reminder face to face. It has gotten better, but it has been very small changes, gradually over the days and weeks. Hope this helps.

Rusty Zipper

we came, we came to, we came to believe!

yep, you aint alone!

good wishes cat

tommyk

Yes, I felt like that.

I think I was mad, angry, frustrated, and dejected because I couldn't do what I used to do, and I felt that everyone could drink except for me. Woe was me, poor me.

I began thinking more about my new life today as versus what I thought I had 'lost'.

lostbutterfly

YES. Felt absolutely naked, every nerve exposed.

least

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome can be a bear to deal with. I'm over four months now and still my feelings are all over the map. I'm learning to take it one minute at a time if I have to and to remember too that these feelings will pass. It does get better, really.

Pam08

I felt the emotions last summer during the first 26 days sober.....I was on an emotinal rollercoaster. I remember telling my therapist, I cant take the emotions..I have cried more this past week or so then I have in all of the last 10 years..that passed and anger set in, and i was really snappy...this all has pretty much subsided now. atleast the extremes .....

I think being sober now for 17 days, what i realise most is that I did medicate myself and now I am having to deal, really deal with my life..and for now I am not sure I can very well.. I believe this is my reality check...and I am grateful for it, I am on anti depressant so I think that is helping to some degree...keeping me on the level, I am not having the extreme mood swings I was having...It all gets better, it has to..can't be worse then rock bottoom i was in.

Anna

CatWings,

I had a really difficult time in early sobriety. It felt like I had years of emotional growing to do, just to begin to feel human and it was happening at warp speed. I really had to focus on getting through each day and doing things that I could manage to do, each day. That helped me to gain confidence in myself.

Mariposa18

Cat~ Wow, can I relate to this!!! Before this last relapse I'd been sober for about 9 months. I started smoking weed, but stayed off the booze. I went through a time period when I was doing both and felt nothing. When I quit it was like all the emotions I'd been trying to hold back for so long were always on the surface. I was always either sad or angry, nothing in between. I started to feel better but then my emotions got too much for me and unfortunately I relapsed again (with the drinking, I haven't smoked weed since August) and here I am.

That's my pattern I've realized. I quit because I feel like crap, feel crappy while withdrawing, start to feel better, something goes wrong and triggers emotions I don't want to feel, start again. I don't want to do that anymore and that is why I'm here. I'm on day 7~

doorknob

Nuttier than a fruitcake!!!!

Is this what PMS feels like???

Ditto.

My OCD attacks with a vengeance, but being clear-headed gives me a chance to face it head on.

You're doing great!

DK

Pam08

Hey doorknob,,aren't you glad you don't get pms?

doorknob

Yep... I couldn't imagine having to deal with both at the same time!

CatWings

Thanks, everyone. I had no idea there was such a thing as PAWS. I just thought maybe it was me being too sensitive or having my own problems with mental health stuff. There have been times where I have felt suicidal even - I think because I am finally looking at how my life ended up and it could have been better and more productive without being stoned most of the time. Sure, I got through grad school even, but I didn't make the most of things.

When I used to feel all this remorse and depression, I'd just get high and it would make things not seem as bad. I always figured that when I quit, those moods would be there with an unrelenting vengance.

The summer before last when I quit for 21 days, I don't remember going through any of this, but then by this time, I had been smoking a bit more with friends, eating some pretty loaded brownies, and getting into hash, and other psychedelics.

But it could also be the psychology this time of knowing I want out of it for good and it's the long haul this time.

I wonder if being a more sensitive person has anything to do with it as I asked my friend who just quit drinking if she is going through this at all and she said not at all. But then she is a pretty robust person or it might hit her later. She drank a lot and did a lot of drugs.

But at least I notice that as hard as it may seem, I am getting things done that I had been putting off for months. It's kind of like I have no choice since I can't just get stoned instead. I wake up and more seriously think about what I need to do for the day.

Thanks for sharing everyone. I think us addicts have spent a lot of time just trying to feel good and life is not about just trying to feel good a lot of the time and that is where I have some growing up to do, whether I can handle living in the twilight zone of recovery or not.

But it really is just taking it a day at a time and getting through the next hour if need be.

I had to get out of VJing gig a big warehouse party this weekend because it would be too slippery of a situation. But then I felt like an idiot because I am missing out and some other VJs will be getting all the gigs if I don't do them, etc. etc. Stinking thinking. But I can't afford to hang out with the "cool kids" and have a relapse right now.

But at least I am starting to think about other ways I could use my talents that might be more profitable. So it pays to focus on the positives of being clean and sober. Other options just have to come to mind.

I need to get to some more support groups this week and this weekend. I will come out the other side of this somehow.

Bucswnsb37

I had stopped drinking two days ago. I still feel terrible. I drank all weekend long with friends who drank all weekend long. A friend missed two days of work. I've been unemployed for about 6 months. Bored out of my mind, I started drinking again after a few weeks of sobriety. I have been the weekend drinker of beer the past 18 years. I go on binges mainly on the weekends. Most of it is due to boredom. Also, I get irritated as well once I quit./detox. I almost feel the hangovers aren't worth the time exhausted for doing something else.. I live alone and it's the boredom that starts it, then escalates into a good time watching football, ice hockey, and baseball....With buddies.

CatWings

Bucswnsb37. Are you going to any support meetings at all? These are helping me. I got to LifeRing and NA meetings on occasion too. Sometimes it just helps to sit in a room full of other recovery people. It sounds like you really want to get sober but it sounds also like you are going to have to make some changes that may be tough in terms of lifestyle.
I can't hang out very much with a bunch of pot smokers anymore. I also have a hard time not wanting to drinking around others who are drinking. That is almost worse for some reason. Stay busy. Exercise helps me if I can just get myself out of the door. Lifting free weights at home gives me a different feeling too. Best of luck to you. Keep posting here!

Mark75

I can really relate to your post. I am in week 10. I am recovering alcoholic and addict. I don't know if it's Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (my memory is good, my coordination is ok, I am sleeping reasonably well (amazingly - better than I have for, oh... DECADES...). But I can't watch TV, read, play guitar, for any length of time because my mind doesn't stay where I am. My emotions, hell, talk about self will riots, they got nothin' on this emotional roller coaster.

But, to the point. My long haul is only for today, tomorrow is tomorrow. Staying in the moment and being spiritually fit is my answer. AA is helping as is meditation, prayer, SR forum, etc.....

CatWings

When I read online about symptoms of PAWS, it totally made sense to me as to why, in the first 8 days of being clean, I was totally dizzy and stumbled even, as if I was drunk. I was seriously worried at times that I was going to have some kind of a seizure. I am still getting dizzy but not as bad.

doorknob

Just curious, Cat... how much were you smokin' when you quit?