Becoming Real.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
*blush* I've heard THAT time of the month can be tough for some ladies.
The work you're doing is intensive. I was tended to by an orthodox psychoanalyst for several years - it was quite an experience. My symptoms went completely haywire as we continued to explore my past. Though I eventually terminated therapy with him, it was an amazingly enriching experience. But extremely painful as well. The insight I gained was NOT an emotional bargain.
The flow 
That's so very real. IMHO the only way to engage it is by accepting both the light AND the darkness - they are both necessary parts of life.
Anyway.. :ghug3
The work you're doing is intensive. I was tended to by an orthodox psychoanalyst for several years - it was quite an experience. My symptoms went completely haywire as we continued to explore my past. Though I eventually terminated therapy with him, it was an amazingly enriching experience. But extremely painful as well. The insight I gained was NOT an emotional bargain.
Originally Posted by Eleison 
More and more now I'm getting in touch with a flow and a creative inspired surge pre-menstrually. Which is how it should be, naturally. There's the darker stuff too, but life is a balance, and I'm working on things.
That's so very real. IMHO the only way to engage it is by accepting both the light AND the darkness - they are both necessary parts of life. Anyway.. :ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 242
Thank you.
Today. What can I say? My heart hurts so much.
Therapy this morning.
I cannot love. There's too much blockage of anger, rage, hatred, jealousy, envy.
There is hope. Surely there is hope - as my heart hurts so much as it does right now, surely that means I am capable of loving, even though it is so distant from me right now.
Internal pathologising mind is having a field day from this, as maybe imagined.
And. Katrina, my alternate persecutory protector self. Her spiriting me away through various manners of dissociation. Is indeed like a drug. An addiction.
I don't know whether substance addicts have a harder time, because they have emotional issues beneath the addiction. I have the emotional issues full volume. I have the stubborn will power not to get addicted to substances. But that same stubborness makes emotional self abuse a far harder issue to overcome.
I'm not trying to compare myself or anything. I'm just exploring and trying to understand.
Thankfully I saw my GP after the session, an appointment already arranged. She helped me find the positives. She helped me feel some warmth.
But. God. This is hard.
Not being able to love.
This hurts.
Today. What can I say? My heart hurts so much.
Therapy this morning.
I cannot love. There's too much blockage of anger, rage, hatred, jealousy, envy.
There is hope. Surely there is hope - as my heart hurts so much as it does right now, surely that means I am capable of loving, even though it is so distant from me right now.
Internal pathologising mind is having a field day from this, as maybe imagined.
And. Katrina, my alternate persecutory protector self. Her spiriting me away through various manners of dissociation. Is indeed like a drug. An addiction.
I don't know whether substance addicts have a harder time, because they have emotional issues beneath the addiction. I have the emotional issues full volume. I have the stubborn will power not to get addicted to substances. But that same stubborness makes emotional self abuse a far harder issue to overcome.
I'm not trying to compare myself or anything. I'm just exploring and trying to understand.
Thankfully I saw my GP after the session, an appointment already arranged. She helped me find the positives. She helped me feel some warmth.
But. God. This is hard.
Not being able to love.
This hurts.
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