Serenidad

Hello! I need some help. I am on the 9th step and I am in the process of making ammends.

Today, I went to a neighbor's house to try to make ammends to her for something that happened 4 years ago and it went TERRIBLE! She wouldn't come to the door and her husband was really rude to me. She hates me and wants nothing to do with me! I am hurt because I really am trying to make things right with the people I have hurt and she was not willing to accept my apology and she and her husband were so mean!

Can anyone help me feel a little better? Do I just move on? I really tried to make it right. I am really trying to be a better person.

Thanks!

Toomutch

(((Jen)) - I have not worked the 9th step. But I do know that your neighbors were very rude to you. I would say if you made the effort to make amends and they wouldn't except it, then maybe you should just move on. You can't force someone to forgive you.

TTOSBT

I would talk to your sponsor BUT my advice would be to write a note with an apology and drop it on her doorstep. At that point you have done your best to clean your side of the street and you are done.

sailorjohn

Uh, apologize in advance if I'm nit-picking here, but I noticed your choice of language. Was it something that happened or something you did?

Anna

All you can do is to apologize.

You can't make someone accept your apology, and you can't stop them from being rude to you.

Just know that you apologized, which must have been hard for you. That's all you can do.

BeamMeUpScotty

I agree. I would leave a very short note, so they have no choice but to read it, saying something like, "I'm sorry for.... I am willing to talk about it if you like."

Other than that I'd just keep on doing what your doing. Things like that have a way of working themselves out eventually and often in ways you don't expect.

Good luck,

BMUS

Rusty Zipper

hey jen

did you make a appointment with the neighbors?

"Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Occasionally, they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our demonstration,
done our part. It's water over the dam."

we cant force people to act how we want...

hey, in time, your actions just might change things...

good wishes on your step work jen...

rz

tennis71

I wise person in AA told me that you do have to apologize and make amends, but they don't have to accept your apology.

Don't let that trip you up. Keep moving forward.

mle-sober

Jen,

My understanding of the intent of making amends is that we are trying to clean up some of the wrongs we did by making apologies and correcting things when we can.

But that we should AVOID doing so if it causes the people who we harmed additional distress. This sounds like maybe that kind of situation? Maybe you are actually causing more harm by trying to make yourself feel better with an apology rather than noticing and accepting that your presence alone causes your neighbor stress?

I think it's a great idea to talk to your sponsor about this. And like others have said, if you tried then you tried. And you can't force anyone to forgive you.

least

I agree that if you have sincerely apologized and they did not accept it, you have done all you can to clean your own house. Perhaps a short note, but other than that, don't worry yourself too much. You are doing what you can. You cannot create their response.

:ghug3

Hevyn

Jen, there's some great advice here - I like the idea of the note, then you'll know you've done all you possibly can. I've allowed myself to be consumed with remorse because a family member won't forgive or try to understand some of my actions. It held me back for years, but now I finally see that I have to move on, with or without her acceptance. I feel like a whole new person with this burden lifted. No, the regret will never be gone entirely, but I can always hope someday she'll come to understand. It's so hard, if not impossible, to explain our behavior to people who don't have our problem. I should think a sincere apology would be happily accepted so everyone can feel better and move on, but apparently it doesn't work that way in some cases. Don't stop moving forward because of one snag.

Aysha

What mle said..I dont do the steps..But I am aware of how they work.
It's hard to tell if it is going to be one of those times. So If it were me. And I have done this in the past. Not working a step. But just to do what was right.
All you can do is do your part. How that person takes it is on them.
You did what you had to do. And thats all that matters.

Serenidad

Thanks so much for your help guys! :ghug

doorknob

Jen, I just wanted to say that you are doing great and are an inspiration. I very much appreciate all your open and honest posts. Thank you!

CarolD

Jen...
please go read the Step 9 instructions
in your 12 & 12 for guidelines.
Then talk to your sponsor.

Mega

David69

If you think you must have their acceptance in order to move forward.....write a letter and mail it to them. However, if you already made a honest effort and they refused to accept it or even acknowledge it.....I would move on. Not everyone in this world is in a place to forgive people...just plain and simple. At this point the ball is in their court and you have done your job. Sorry all but a handbook does not always account for human emotions and reactions. Bottom line is don't let this eat at you as it is not healthy at this point. Good luck with this matter. Remember, apologizing is great but forgiving someone demonstrates greatness.

Celebration1994

One of the big things on making amends for me was to not harm myself or others making them. I do not ask ask for forgiveness, I just apologize and that is the best I can do when someone holds a resentment with me. Some I have had to write a note of apology to and enclose monies I got from them under false pretenses or theivery, because they just don't want to hear it. I know their are a few that it could harm them, so I made a donation in there name anonymously to the local cancer center, as to not cause more strife in their life. When I made my amends, I didn't expect a thank you or forgiveness, because to make the amend made me stronger, no matter which route I chose to make it. My sponsor told me keep it simple and humble.

The only ones I asked forgiveness from were my daughters after I had been sober and they realized I was staying sober....and even with them, I left it up to them what they chose to discuss about my parenting them, and their feelings. The rest of my family who are sober were just thrilled I got and stayed sober.

mle-sober

Actually, as Carol suggested, the "12 x 12" (and I believe even the Big Book) does account for this very human and common experience when making amends. Although we WANT forgiveness, it is really not the point. I don't have the "12 x 12" I read in front of me as I gave my borrowed copy back, but I distinctly recall that we are encouraged to make direct amends only when we do not further cause distress or harm to those that we are making amends. It seems pretty clear in this instance that the neighbors are further distressed by the attempt to make an amend.

I love the idea of making a small anonymous contribution to a charity you think they might support.

Hope I'm not beating this into the ground. I just thought it was important to note that the literature actually does very specifically address this situation. It's very common. We will almost all run into it at one point or another. Because we have most likely all caused real harm by our drinking and/or drugging. And not everyone will have their hearts open to us and our efforts to put things right.

Boleo

Amends are mostly about sweeping YOUR SIDE of the street. If you failed to get a good result, it is not your fault. The important thing is that you were as Honest, Open-minded and Willing (HOW) as you could be in the situation.